Thursday, January 17, 2008

5 Fights to the Death We Want to See

Magglio's post yesterday about Brian Sabean fighting Bud Selig got me thinking about some other fights that we'd like to see. Here, in no particular order, are five fights to the death that would, could and should shatter all Pay Per View records as we know it. Does anyone have Don King's number? I'd like to present these to him personally.

Fight: George Siefert v Barry Switzer

Title: “The Sloppy Seconds Super Bowl”

Why it’s Awesome: Both very average coaches that took over dynasties in their primes from legendary coaches and won a Super Bowl. Both struggled once the superstars left and suffered very ignominious final seasons, Siefert going 1-15 with Carolina, Switzer 6-10 with the Cowboys.

What’s at stake: Whoever wins drops the “Sloppy Seconds” title and is immediately enshrined into the Hall of Fame and enters the “greatest coach of all time debate.”

Fight: Barry Bonds v Roger Clemens

Title: “Take it All Backne”

Why it’s Awesome: forget the fact that they are both the poster boys for steroid use and (correspondingly?) arguably, the greatest players to play their respective positions, we’re talking about two massive, ornery, pissed off forces of nature here. You’re telling me you wouldn’t pay $25 to watch these guys fight to the death?

What’s at stake: The winner has his name forever removed from the steroid debate, the congressional hearing list and George Mitchell’s comb over (related note, how can you trust someone to report on “performance enhancers” when they have a fucking horrible comb over? Isn’t that like preaching abstinence to kids with a massive hard on?)

Fight: This Rachel Bilson Video v a bottle of Cialis

Title: “The Erection Dysfunction Malfunction”

Why it’s Awesome: One of the hottest chicks in the world battles a proven stiff lifter to see who can give a guy boner first and longer. Cialis says you should call a doctor if you have a hard on for more than 36 hours, can this video match that time frame? Early returns say yes.

What’s at stake: Years of scientific research could go straight down the tubes if this is proven true. Actually, nothing is at stake but how ridiculous is that video?

Fight: George Lucas’ Imagination v George Lucas’ Ego

Title: “Awesome Worlds v Awful Words”

Why it’s Awesome: You know the old saying “the reach exceeding the grasp?” That kind of applies to George, but with this wrinkle added, “what the brain imagines the fingers shit out in the form of wooden characters and horrific dialogue.” No one on earth, or even in a galaxy far, far away for that matter, can match George’s genius in creating worlds, stories, characters and environments. The problem is that the first three films built him into this Hitchcock-like figure that had to control every single aspect of the production, including writing, producing, and directing. Watch Episodes I-III if you’re wondering if that’s a good thing.

What’s at Stake: if the Imagination wins then George can go on thinking up crazy shit and outlining how the movie should look, he might even get to direct, but he’s never allowed to produce or write another word ever again. If the Ego wins, then Episodes VII-IX will be announced in 15 years and have dialogue so bad it’ll sound like every speech George Bush has ever given looped together.

Fight: A very drugged up Britney Spears v Britney Spears Kids

Title: Hit Me Babies One More Time

Why it’s Awesome: Look, here’s the thing that no one is talking about in regards to the Britney maternity trial: she doesn’t fucking want the kids! She could give a shit. She’s got 100x the resources that K-Fed does, if she really wanted them she could absolutely crush him. Build an airtight case, frame him, prove that he was with OJ during the robbery, you name it. I actually worked with Family Law attorneys in a past life and the firm that Britney hired, Trope and Trope is a bunch of fucking Piranhas. They could’ve absolutely crushed K-Fed’s team, but Britney doesn’t give a shit, she wants K-Fed to win, she’d rather pay child support than play Mom. No one wants to talk about this because it’s unimaginable that someone would willingly abandon their kids but that’s exactly what’s happening. So let’s take this a step further, forget the custody suit, let’s just give Britney her daily vitamins add a few cocktails and Vicodins into the mix and then figure this out Pagan style. Each of the kids gets an aluminum bat and gets to wear spiked cleats.

What’s at Stake: Life, Liberty and the pursuit of gossip magazines everywhere


Anonymous said...

1. Siefert
2. Bonds
3. Bilson video
4. Peter Jackson
5. Sean Preston in a 3rd round KO


Anonymous said...

Somehow I've been left out of the loop on Ms. Bilson. Effective immediately, she has been moved into the "closer" role in my personal spank bank. Wow. Thanks for the heads-up!

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