Monday, April 13, 2009

Save us Matt Cain

Five things I cannot explain

1) What’s wrong with Tim Lincecum?
I was so excited to update my Facebook status with ‘Timmy pitches on Easter because Timmy is the second coming.’ Two starts and an ERA over 9.00. Sure, he’s always been a little wild but nothing like this. Last night he gave up 10 hits in 6 innings. He didn’t give up 10 hits all last season. Too much weed? Did some chick dump him? I’m not really sure. But he needs to sort it out. Off day tomorrow, then Matt Cain on Wednesday. Just what the Dr ordered.

2) Why is ‘Facebook Perving’ is so fun?
Not much explanation is needed. Just search your friends’ profiles until you find things about them you shouldn’t have found, didn’t want to know, or might have to lie about if you ever take the stand in their defense.

3) How does Tiger Woods do what he does?
First off, fuck Phil Mickelson and his now non-existent bitch tits. You’re not fooling anyone. Secondly, anyone who thinks golf is boring needs to watch Tiger Woods on a Sunday afternoon. He is THE best athlete of our generation. Better than LeBron, better than Tom Brady, better than Jeter…and dare I say, better than Patrick Willis too.

4) Why does the NBA go from the stupidest sport on the planet to really fucking exciting after only 5 short months?
I can’t tell if that statement was ironic or sincere? Let’s be honest. Nobody gives two shits about the NBA until the playoffs. And then do we really care? For me, not unless Kobe or LeBron are in the Finals. Wake me up when Derek Fisher rises from the dead...again. And while we're at it Fuck Dwayne Wade.

5) Why is my cable bill $185 this month?
Oh wait. I just checked the movies we rented: Kung Fu Panda, Ghost Town, Three-way Nymphos 4, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2, College Coeds 9, Iron Man, Jenna Jameson: Sex in the 80s, My Best Friend’s Girl and House Bunny. Yep. That explains it.

*Bonus: Why are pictures up Jessica Simpson's skirt sexy even when they look like this?



sandy mangina said...

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styrofoam jones said...

why would anyone pay for porn? it's free via the internet. seriously, i have friends that pay for porn. i don't get it.

tahoesanta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tahoesanta said...

Mr. Jones,

Sometimes the computer is further away than the remote control.

Oh, and tits are bigger on a 50 inch plasma.