By Magglio and Jericho
Apple
I slept in my Matt Cain t-shirt jersey last night. I can’t tell if that’s really creepy or really awesome. I’m a grown man, sleeping in the fake jersey of a 24-year old in hopes it will bring us luck today. The Giants need a win so badly today. We’ve lost 4 in a row since our pitcher Joe Martinez got hit in the head with a line drive. He’s still in the hospital. And baseball is all about superstitions right? At least I didn’t wear my Eugenio Velez garter belt to work today. Now that would be awkward.
Moustache
Random fact: the schedule for Monday Night Football next year features only one game in which both teams went to the playoffs last year: week 2, Colts v Dolphins. How the fuck did that happen? Isn't MNF supposed to be the best game of the week? Member when Lance Bass wanted to be an astronaut, even though astronauts are typically the best Americans we've got. Kind of similar right? I guess we should've known better when halfway through this press conference Roger Goodell grunted and Lance Bass sheepishly emerged from under his desk.
Apple
My fixation on the Niners drafting Mark Sanchez is now officially in full-steam obsessed mode. It’s kinda like when all I wanted to do was date this big blonde freshman Pi Phi in college. She didn’t give me the time of day and then wound up gaining a good 25lbs over an impressive 3-month first quarter span. What’s the gambling equivalent? I figure it’s like putting money on CT to win this year’s RW/RR Challenge and then settling in for the first episode only to see his big dumb face get booted after punching Adam in the jaw. I shoulda seen it coming. She had the frame to support at least 25 more. What was I thinking?
Moustache
As Magglio makes a point of reminding you every three weeks, we are extremely West Coast centric and biased. Fuck the East Coast. However, West Coast football teams need to shut up about the amount of travel and the 10am start times. It’d be one thing, if like the rest of us, they were crammed into a Southwest flight nodding aimlessly as Ashley, a 900 pound third grade teacher from Lubbock, Texas, blabbers endlessly about how fun her dad’s birthday was. But they have private planes and stay at the nicest hotels in the country. Give me a fucking break already. Now, will I use this excuse when the Hawks get buttholed by Peyton in Week 4? Absolutely. But until then let me say this: Ashley, I’m not holding my breath b/c I have the hiccups, I’m actually trying to kill myself you gelatinous cum bucket!
Apple
I’m not a big metal fan. But I just got the new Mastodon album and I can’t stop listening to it. It’s big and thunderous like Metallica’s black album but better because you don’t picture James Hetfield’s stupid face on every song. Man that guy is such a dooshbag isn’t he? Metallica might just be the weakest tuff guy band in the history of the universe.
III
