Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tuesday A&Ms

I don’t know what bothers me more: a successful actor (Joaquin Phoenix) walking away from acting in the prime of his career or a successful teeny bop band (Jonas Brothers) being abstinent. I guess if you had a gun to my head, I’d say Joaquin because he’s been so flippant about quitting a job that 50 million people want. But if Nick Jonas ever comes out and says something really glib about pussy I have the right to change my mind.

Here’s a term I can’t stop saying lately: mind fucking. It’s so cool and it works in so many different ways. There’s the obvious: I’ve been mind fucking Bar Rafaeli ever since the SI swimsuit issue hit the stands. But it’s multi-dimensional too. For example, I was so hungry today in this meeting I actually mind fucked a sandwich. Or, I was so excited about my outfit for Magglio’s birthday party I mind fucked it all week. See, addictive, huh?

I’m really digging when chicks rock the sweater dress, tights, big belt and boots look at work. That outfit really belongs in its own genre: stripper professional. I couldn’t be happier about this. If we can figure out how to blare ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’ when the accounting assistant walks by all the better.

Let’s get one thing straight: when you give birth to octuplets when you already have six kids and then go on TV and say you have no idea how you’re going to support them, but that you’re asking God for help - you are not asking God for help, you are asking people for help. Let me put this another way, when you put your wife’s hand on your dick you’re not hoping that God gives it a few tugs. We all clear on that?

How are Led Zeppelin fans supposed to feel about Allison Krauss and Robert Plant’s album winning record of the year at the Grammys? I mean, that album and that tour is probably the biggest roadblock to Zep getting back together, right? It’s Plant, so you have to be happy for him, but sort of fuck him too, right? This is kind of like your wife declaring that she won’t blow you again until she finishes her novel and then the novel wins the Pulitzer Prize. After all, nothing ruins a Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech like a flying dick to the mouth.


tahoesanta said...

Wow. Welcome back, sir.

The Fat White Guy said...


You're right. Nothing ruins a speech like a dick to the mouth.

My current deodorant smells like "RAID" the shit i used to spray on ants when I was a kid....someone please try and tell me I wont get cancer from this product.