Monday, February 16, 2009

The first 8 Facebook Commandments

If you’ve been paying attention lately you’ve noticed that I have some pet peeves when it comes to Facebook. As interesting of a time suck as Facebook is there are certain things that people do that really get under my skin. So I’m putting it down on paper…here are the first* 8 commandments of Facebook.

*Please Note: Jesus needed 10. Our founding fathers needed 10. I am taking 8. But just like the right-wing Christians added to the 10 commandments and women bitched long enough to get the right to vote (what are we up to 26 amendments now?) I hereby leave this topic open to change, amendments and/or room for same sex marriage. We’re off topic. What are we doing here? Enough with the side note.

(Sing like Montel Williams and/or Tahoe Banta) “This is how we do it……”

The First 8 Commandments of Facebook:

1. Thou shall not have more than 500 friends. We’re capping this at 500. Honestly 350 is pushing it. Seriously, nobody actually has this many friends in real life. If you do have more than 500 friends then you’re either:

a) a drug dealer

b) claiming "friends" for social status like they’re 1989 Upper Deck baseball cards

c) Mormon

d) Kendall. That’s right, Kendall is allowed to have 676 and beyond. Please note, 676 is an accurate count of Kendall's friends as of this post. By the time you read this she may be well into the 700s.

2. Thou shall not post pictures of yourself breast feeding. Here’s the thing, even if it’s like a sexy or artistic tit shot with maybe a close up of your nipple and the babies mouth or some leaves and ivy or some shit like that…NOBODY WANTS TO SEE IT. I just saw some uncomfortably personal pictures from a friend that I did not need to see. But there was some decent exposed areola. So that counts. Sweet.

3. Thou shall not post mundane and uninteresting status updates. Look, we can’t all be as amazing as ‘Bamer’ (her status update tonight was “Bamer has been conversing somewhat impolitely with the universe.”) But like we learned in 2nd grade, if you don’t have anything interesting to say then don’t fucking post it on your Facebook status.

4. Thou shall not become a fan of bullshit companies. This is a site for personal interaction. I have no problem if you become a fan of a music act, a sports team or even your local deli. But Chipotle? Or T-Mobile wireless? What are you the definition of sell out? Blow me, please.

5. Thou shall have a picture of yourself available for public judgment. People with 10 pictures total, none of which are of them self, trip me the fuck out. If you’ve gained 200 lbs or had some serious plastic surgery to fix that lazy eye let’s see it! I don’t trust people who don’t flaunt their business. Don’t be shy. It’s only the internet.

6. Thou shall not have pictures only of one's self. We all know the guy. He has 30 photos, all of himself, mugging for the camera like he’s Jamie Foxx or some shit. What’s worse is he blatantly cut other people out of all the photos. And at least 8 of them look the exact same. From the same angle. Like somewhere along the way somebody told him this one picture of him was good so for the next 15 years he did everything possible to hit that same angle. We all know this guy. What a dick wad.

7. Thou shall go easy on the super pokes, the drink gifts, the flirty nods, the poker invites, the Ben & Jerry gifts, the snowballs, the Tetris invites (yes, Joshy, easy on the Tetris invites), the quizzes, the 25 things you didn't know about me but somehow incorporates my Aunt's name and the last name of my 3rd grade teacher blah blah blah come on already. We are all grown ups. We are on Facebook to be pervy, to be caddy, to point and laugh and I guess to say hello to each other. So calm the fuck down everyone.

8. Thou shall understand the natural progression of things. There are rules people. If we are not friends and I send you a ‘message’ to say hello, don’t just reply with a friend request. This is like dating, but friend dating. Let’s talk before we become friends. I haven’t seen or talked to you in 10 years. Let’s friend flirt before I let you ram it home.

Now your turn. What else needs to be added to this list of commandments?

Disclaimer: I am guilty of breaking a handful of these rules and truth be told if my friends on Facebook ever read this post I’d be, well, friendless. But I’ll tell you one thing for sure. Those pictures of me breast feeding Patch will never, ever see the light of Facebook.



Anonymous said...

HA! Great post. Dare I say it, a little "Freddish"? But you hit all the points...I couldn't take it anymore and nuked my Facebook...but if you're going to have a page, these rules are good to follow.

Anonymous said...

Rule #9: Never be caught in public taking repeated "profile" photos of yourself. 1, sure, okay. But making your friends, the person sitting behind you at the game, his wife, and your girlfriend take photos of just creepy. When you shout overzealously "Yayyy! Profile picture!!!! it's like shouting "I'm A GIANT DOUCHEBAG." What do you, work at Abercrombie?

bamer. said...

thank you, thank you. finally, my frugal hand with regards to status updates pays off.

p.s. rule#10: abolish the "lil green patch" and other such requests. ABOLISH!