Friday, April 24, 2009

Caity's Time of the Month...

*We've got tits! That's right. A&M has a female writer complete with anatomically correct parts. Enjoy Caity's time of the month, a segment written for the female side, from the female side of Apples and Moustaches.

by Caity

My sister has been dating a real fucking douche-bag for some time now. Apart from acting like a 13-year-old girl with her first period on the daily, this future Tool Academy reject says things like, "You have a black hole in your heart" and "I just don't know if I can trust you anymore." Really? I saw that episode of Hannah Montana, too, and it doesn't end well. As if that weren't sufficient grounds for dismissal, I was looking at her Facebook pictures (shut up) and this grown, tax-paying individual blatantly frosts his tips. What? Sun-In and lemon juice wasn't cutting it anymore? Just had to go for the real deal? Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ, your balls called and they want to come home. What do you even say when you go to the salon?

Dick Lick McGillicutty: Um, if you could just lighten the top part of the strands a little bit...

Central Florida Super Cuts Associate: Oh, you mean you'd like me to frost your tips? Dick

Lick McGillicutty: [hangs head] Yes.

Central Florida Super Cuts Associate: [Rolls eyes and says in Tagalog] Queen.

You want to know the episode of Dawson's Creek I remember most vividly? Season 2, episode 1. Pacey, convinced that a new school year spells big changes for him, decides to frost his tips. I remember this episode because it was the day my 10th grade heart shattered into a million tiny pieces that I'm still picking up. At that moment I realized that if Pacey could fall for this fuckery, then perfection was an illusion and I've been looking for love in all the wrong places ever since. Taking this to its logical conclusion, I thought it would be appropriate to compile a list of the "10 Least Appealing Things a Gentleman Has Said While I Had No Panties On." I have some real winners, but I decided to include some of the gems from my best loved (read sluttiest) friends, as well.

The 10 Least Attractive Things a Gentleman Has Said While I Had No Panties On:

10. "I never hold in farts."

9. "Whoops...maybe I should have taken a piss beforehand."

8. "I am not Zach, I am his father. Zach is resting after last night, young lady. Now, get some clothes on so I can take you home."

7. "Hey, could I borrow twenty dollars tomorrow for a cab?"

6. "Maybe if you had another drink you'd be more open to it." (For the record, I did and I was, so this one could be out of place.)

5. "I did meth earlier so I'm probably not going to be able to fall asleep for a while."

4. "Wait, if I started the medication on Tuesday I should be fine to do it today. Right?"

3. "I never lost my suckling reflex...want me to show you?

2. "I see you're fine with the ball gag. What do you say to a game of anal ring toss?"

1. "Check out my new Christian Dior sunglasses."

I know the readership of Apples and Moustaches are an elegant and sophisticated group, but should any of you have your own klassy stories to contribute, that's why Jesus invented the comment section.



Anonymous said...

I had a "I once dated this girl with really huge tits (pause for stare off into space to reminisce while I am topless). Huge (silence). But you know, I think small tits are cool." Really? Because I think small, short penises are cool as opposed to large, horse cocks. Dick.

Anonymous said...

I'm in love!

Derek said...

That Top Ten list is fucking brilliant. Made my weekend already and the Eagles haven't even picked Knowshon Moreno yet. After reading that post, everything that happens from now until Sunday at midnight is just icing. That post already took the fucking cake. Caity = Genius. Encore!

tahoesanta said...

I will spoon your brains out.

BDiddy said...'s all so funny until you realize, opps! I WAS dating that duchebag and the proposition of anal ring toss scared me and sent me into what is an ongoing Kettle One bender. I suppose it makes for good weekend reading though.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I have a new worst from the weekend: "Dude, did you hear that Bea Arthur died".