5 Apples, 4 Moustaches

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Brangelina. Bennifer. Even Billary Clinton. You know what? The Giants’ Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum need a nickname too. I’m thinking Lin-ce-cain. Or, Cain-ce-cum. On second thought maybe just Cain and Cum. Nope. That doesn’t work either. Back to the drawing board.

 

Moustache

Here’s the deal. If you’re a bartender with great tits it doesn’t mean you can try to rip people off. Saturday night, I had a few drinks, I stumbled to the bar, ordered a drink and handed the bartender a 20. She giggled, took my 20 and put it in the cash register…then went to the next person. I waited for her to return. She finally came back, giggled and handed me 50 cents. Again, I waited. She came back for a third time and said (in a voice that sounded like a chipmunk) ‘whoops, you gave me a 20, not a 5, right?’ Bitch. Good luck with those tits. It’s all you’ve got.

 

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I love the new strategy for the Britney campaign. Make her the victim! Blame it all on Sam Lufti. Make it seem as though he’s been the culprit behind the months and months of her bat shit crazy rampage. The public loves a good victim story, right? I can see the outcome already…three months of psychiatric rehab. Then, she gets her kids back. Then, a heart-to-heart with Barbara Walters during May sweeps. Schedule the comeback tour. She becomes the new face of Maybeline (maybe she’s born with it?) and in 30 years she’s headlining at Cesar’s Palace in a sing-along/poetry reading event titled ‘An evening with Britney.’ I can’t wait.

 

Moustache

We posted a few rules, guidelines, and friendly get-to-know-yas on the right. It’s under a header titled ‘We are Apples and Moustaches.’ When you read the title, please read it like you’re Matthew McConaughey in ‘We are Marshall.’ Thank you.

 

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I’ve been working out to Kanye West’s album Graduation for far too long now and I have a problem with it. There are directly contradicting statements from Kanye that throw me off every time I hear them. On the song ‘Stronger’, Kanye says ‘Now that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger.’ Fantastic motivation right? Perfect for working out. Then, three songs later on ‘Can’t tell me nothing’ Kanye directly contradicts himself by saying he takes it easy…‘Cause when you try hard that’s when you die hard.’ Now how the fuck am I supposed to get ‘stronger’ but not ‘try hard’. What the fuck Kanye? Explain yourself.

 

Moustache

I’m not a big Peyton Manning fan, never have been. But on Sunday I was so impressed with him and frankly I liked him more than I ever have before. When TV cameras kept switching to his booth and showed how into the game he was, it was really cool. He was supporting his little brother, wanting him to succeed. And he let Eli have his moment. He didn’t come down onto the field to congratulate him and you’ll be hard pressed to find a quote from him about the game. Sure, Peyton is a gigantic scrotum but for the first time in a long time, I didn’t hate him.

 

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Crank up the rumor mill. How nice would Roy Williams or Chad Johnson look in a Niners jersey next season? Not sure who’d be throwing him the ball but one of those guys could really jump start our offense. At most they would cost us a 2^nd round pick. My two cents? Draft a defensive lineman then trade the 2^nd round pick for one of these dudes.

 

Moustache

A general rule of thumb is we never post pictures of dudes with their shirts off. Especially d-bags like Leonardo DiCaprio. But needless to say, this one had to be posted. Ladies and gentlemen, Bar Refaeli.

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Lastly, today is national signing day for preps to college. Fingers crossed Washington can find some stud receivers to compliment Jake Locker next season. Locker for Heisman in 2008.