We moved last weekend. We uprooted our peaceful little home, crammed it all into boxes and then spewed our lives all over our new place of residence. For those of you who haven’t moved in a while or forgot what it’s like let me have the pleasure of reminding you. It sucks. It royally sucks. It sucks like an outdoor festival with the Von Bondies opening and Smashing Pumpkins as the headliner. Yeah. That’s how bad it sucks.
Let me put things into perspective for you. For the third consecutive day I’m wearing my wife’s deodorant. I smell like a cucumber salad. Every night I’ve had to search through boxes to find something to make for dinner. Going to the bathroom is like competing in American Gladiators. At any point in time a pile of clothes, a sharp object or a wayward box could end my life. Now imagine trying to find the bathroom with the lights out. Yeah, it sucks.
The past 2 weeks have been a train wreck of tape, boxes, bad pizza and a sore back. Nothing fucks up your life quite like moving. There’s the terrible purgatory state in which nothing is settled. I’m literally dreading going home tonight because I know the mountain of shit that awaits.
Last week, I got into a fight with a roll of packing tape that lasted 20 minutes. The open strip of tape somehow sealed back onto the rest of the roll. After finally relocating the starting point I spent the next 18 minutes picking and picking away trying to get it going again. I shit you not. Little shards of clear tape flew off in every direction. Big strips turned to small strips. Eventually I gave up and threw the whole roll away. I wish I would’ve spent the extra money on packing tape. I selected the $1.29 generic roll over the $3.29 big brand name. Costly mistake. How could I have known? It got me thinking, there are certain things in life you should spend money on. There are other things in life you’d be stupid to spend money on. Let’s explore.
Cardboard boxes: Save your cash
These are abundant. Go to any recycling center, grocery store or anywhere on
Shoes: Spend your cash
This is a definite. I don’t care if you’re dirt poor, invest in a good pair of shoes. No fluctuating on this one. I know that
Giants tickets: Save your cash
Please note this has nothing to do with the quality of baseball on the field. But is has always been my goal to go to as many Giants games as possible without spending a dime on a ticket. It’s not as hard as it sounds. There are so many floating around in corporate
Produce: Spend your cash
Nothing worse than a dried out orange or a mangled apple. Spend the extra ten bucks and buy your produce at Whole Foods or the farmers market. It makes fruit taste like candy.
Porn: Save your cash
If you can’t find good free porn online then you don’t know what you’re doing. Email firstname.lastname@example.org for tips on some good sites.
Shampoo, Conditioner, Hair Gel: Save your cash
This one is simple. Just use your chick’s stuff. Sure, it costs her a fortune but you don’t need much and if you’re sly about it then you can get away with it for months. Better yet, if your girlfriend has roommates you can use stuff from each of them. It delays them finding out. (sorry…and thanks Andrea). Added bonus, your hair will shine like a 12-year-old school girl.
Sugar: Save your cash
Steal it from Starbucks. They never pay attention. But only use the Sugar in the Raw. The fake shit will kill you someday.
Wrapping Paper: Save your cash
Use newspaper. You learned this one in 4th grade. No need to thank us.
Pens, paper, rubber bands, etc: Save your cash
Steal from work. Everyone knows that.
Umbrellas: Save your cash
Never, I repeat, never buy an umbrella. What’s the point? You’ll lose it anyways. Just wait until one falls into your possession. It’ll happen. Just give it time.
Good workout clothes: Save your cash
Sure they provide a porous surface to release sweat while you blah blah blah. Problem is you look like a fuckwad who spend $65 bucks on a workout shirt. Try old frat shirts. Those work the best.
Ketchup: Spend your cash
You definitely don’t want to be the guy who brings out the Hunts.