Thursday, January 31, 2008

The 30-day experiment

On January 2nd I decided to give up eating meat for 30 days. This Saturday will mark the end of my little experiment. There were a handful of reasons I decided to not eat meat for 30 days, mostly to see if I could actually do it. I’m going to make it, save for a couple of raw fish bites (sushi). It was painful no doubt. Here are the top 10 things I’ve learned while not eating meat for the last 30 days.


1. Lunch is by far the toughest meal to try and survive. Turkey sandwiches are gone. Salads with chicken are a no-no. It’s been by far the most difficult part of this whole challenge. I’ve tried Tofurkey sandwiches believe it or not. If you smatter them with enough Dijon mustard and/or spicy hummus you can get over the fact that it’s not actually turkey. Just don’t try eating Tofurkey by itself…trust me.


2. I am CRAVING a big fat piece of steak. Not sketchy Taco Bell, not bacon on a bagel-egg-cheese sandwich but a really nice cut of steak grilled to perfection. Fuck. I’m like a pregnant woman.


3. My insides feel better. It’s hard to describe, but there’s not this wretched clenched feeling in the pit of my stomach. I also have more energy. I can get out of bed no problem in the mornings. Also, my tolerance for alcohol is way down. I guess Tofurkey sandwiches don’t suck up the booze like the real thing.


4. There seems to have been an influx of sketchy news articles coming out about the poor quality of meat. See here, here and here.


5. Not eating meat does not mean you’ll lose weight. Maybe a pound or two, but it’s just not happening. I thought you should know. Also, watching football and not eating meat is a bitch. Not sure what it is, but I've been to too many BBQs in the past 30 days where I've just had to admit to being a pussy. It stings.


6. I’ve had to stop my self numerous times from expounding the information I’ve learned. There’s nothing worse than a mouthy vegetarian. It’s comparable to people knocking on your door and selling bibles. I get this. I have been learning a lot and while I’ll bore my parents with what I’ve found I’m doing my best to spare the lectures to my friends.


7. I know this is going to make me sound like a tree hugging hippie, but Tofu is fucking great. I’m serious. It’s a secret nobody ever told me about. It has ZERO smell or taste until you cook it with something. My vegetable teriyaki stir-fry with tofu is easily better than the same meal with chicken. There, I said it.


8. This is an interesting one; Mexican food sucks without the meat. I love Mexican food. I love crispy tacos or a giant burrito the size of a small mule. But, without the meat, Mexican food just comes up short. This was really shocking to me actually.


9. It’s hard to go to restaurants. It used to be one of my favorite hobbies, but it’s just not the same without the meat. And I’m not a huge Italian food fan. We went to Myth a couple of nights ago and the risotto was my only option. Fuck that. And I’m too stubborn to go to one of the hardcore vegetarian restaurants in the city. I might not be eating meat, but I’m not going to admit that I’m a vegetarian. I’m just not eating meat for now. If that makes any sense.


10. I’m convinced that this Saturday (my 31st day) cannot be a free for all or I am seriously fucked. If I am going to reintroduce meat back into my diet (please note the ‘if’) then I cannot start with a triple double cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr. (damn, that does sound good though doesn’t it?)


Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Mid-Week Apples and Moustaches



Apple:
We’re only days away from the Super Bowl! It’s the most wonderful time of the year. I will watch, read and digest every ounce of information I can find. For all you haters bitching because it’s New York vs. Boston. Or saying you don’t want Eli to have a Super Bowl ring or the Patriots to make history…snap out of it. This is the last bit of football we get until the combine in April.


Moustaches:
Pitchers and catchers report in 15 days. (I got a semi just typing that sentence.)


Apple:
The more I go to small boutique coffee houses the more I realize that Starbucks coffee is just plain shit. There’s no two ways around it. It’s not to say all small coffee places have supreme coffee but as a whole they are 10 times better than Starbucks. It’s like going to McDonalds versus a burger joint. The problem? When you need a caffeine fix and the only nearby place is a Starbucks you’re fucked. I’d rather let Sam Lufti handle my personal affairs than drink a Soy Latte from Starbucks.

Side note: Jericho’s response to my soy latte at Starbucks - “I'd rather shave my legs with cottage cheese than order a soy latte.” and "I'd rather take tae bo with a tampon in then order a soy latte." Sweet.


Moustache:
The first single was leaked online today for the new band She & Him.
Download it here: "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"- She & Him

Apple:
Oooo SNAP! Check out this crazy plug-in for your iTunes. It syncs with your music library and tells you when artists are performing in your area.
(Thanks Kendall)


Moustache:
Whew, Miss L is back up and running over at The Champagne Bubble after her site mysteriously disappeared for a few weeks. Nobody said she was a tech genius.


Apple:

So much has already been said about this but I’m going to add my two cents. I hate that the Warriors picked up Chris Webber. For a group that thrives on their supreme teamwork and “mojo” to add a cancer to their locker room could be devastating. Look at the Patriots and Randy Moss. Yes, I just contradicted myself there. But that’s the exception and not the norm. For every Randy Moss and the Patriots there’s an A.J. Perzynski and the Giants. Fuck that guy.


Moustache:
I love the word ‘gait’. I don’t use that word enough. Like, damn, that chick has a hitch in her gait.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Super Bowl Media Day




Because of the overwhelming success of Apples and Moustache and the frenzy it has caused throughout the sports world, we have been invited to participate in today’s Media Day in Phoenix, AZ. You heard that correctly, Jericho and I were flown out as special guests of the NFL to attend the Super Bowl’s Media Day and get up-close and personal with the Patriots and the Giants. Below are the unedited and unfiltered responses to questions asked by yours truly.

After ransacking the food tent, stacking up on as much cheese and chili cheese Fritos as we could possibly get our hands on, we were ushered onto the field to talk with the players. First up was 5’9” WR Wes Welker who led the Patriots with 112 receptions this season.

Magglio:
Wes, hi there, Magglio from Apples and Moustaches, congratulations on making the Super Bowl. So, you look like a hobbit and you run like a hyena, if you had to choose one TV Sitcom character that best describes your play on the field who would it be?

Welker:
Great question Magglio, and welcome to Phoenix. I think Six from Blossom would best describe my style of play. Flashy, sexy and way hotter than anyone else on the show.

Magglio:
Wes, not sure if I agree with you on that one. I was going to say more like David Silver from 90210. He made a splash on some episodes but deep down everyone knew they could kick his ass.

With that, I skedaddled over to the next podium where none other than Tom Brady was answering questions. It took me at least 10 minutes to wedge my way to the front…it was like a Britney deposition out there.

Magglio:
Tom, first of all congratulations on your record breaking season. I’m Magglio from…

Brady:
I know who you are. I’m a longtime reader of A&M. I loved your 5 levels of sports knowledge post and I thought your interview with Shaun Alexander’s vagina was spot on. What a pussy that guy is huh?

Magglio:
Totally. Thanks for reading. Anyways, my question to you is more of a word association. I’m going to say a word or a phrase and I want you to respond with whatever comes to mind. Ready?

Brady:
Hit me.

Magglio:
David Beckham?

Brady:
Second most handsome man on the planet.

Magglio:
Leonardo DiCaprio?

Brady:
Luckily, the guy showered A LOT!

Magglio:
The boot you’ve been spotted wearing?

Brady:
Designed by Armani, buckles by Hummer.

Magglio:
Brady for President 2016?

Brady:
Only if Gavin Newsom is my running mate.

Magglio:
Eli Manning?

Brady:
Pass.

Magglio:
What? You can’t pass on the question.

Brady:
I’m not passing. I’m saying ‘pass’. I hope he passes the ball 40 times because our defense will be ready.

Magglio:
Real World/Road Rules the Gauntlet 3.

Brady:
Evan is a man child. I’m shocked Evelyn is a lesbian. Was that well known? Danny is on so many steroids he makes Rodney Harrison look sane. And I’ve never understood the whole Nehemiah and Beth thing. I mean she’s got to have some serious sagging going on and he’s not a bad looking guy.

Magglio:
Best quarterback of all time?

Brady:
That’s easy, Joe Montana.

What a great guy huh?

With that our trip to Media Day came to an end. I crammed as much Velveeta cheese into my mouth as I could and Jericho stayed behind to witness the annual NBC circle jerk contest starring Tiki Barber, Keith Olberman and that big bitch from the Bionic Woman. Stay tuned for the results.




Who are you voting for?


Admittedly, I don’t know enough about politics. But I do have a vote and I want to make sure I use it correctly. We stumbled upon this site and found it incredibly insightful when it comes to the current presidential candidates and how they match up with our personal beliefs. You can see where each candidate stands on certain issues and in the end you can change how important each issue is to you overall. Personally? I match up best with Dennis Kucinich. He dropped out months ago. Back to the drawing board I guess.

Why are we posting this? Because it's our civic duty, that's why. You fascist fucks.


***What does the picture of Alessandra Ambrosio have to do with any of this? Not sure. But damn it she's hot.

***Today's post is for A&M's friend KK who we know doesn't have shit to do at work today. Kevin, this should keep you busy for a while.

Monday, January 28, 2008

5 Things the Oscars Screwed Up


1. Joe Wright not getting nominated for best director

I’ve said this before, but Atonement is far and away the best-directed movie of the year. The tone, pacing, dual story lines, mood are all perfect, I feel like the movie is better than the story, if that makes sense, which is a 100% tribute to the director. Here’s something I’ve never understood, how can a movie be nominated but not the director? Aren’t they synonymous with each other? When you acknowledge a movie as one of the 5 best of the year, aren’t you also saying it was one of the 5 best-directed movies too? Isn't that like saying "I loved the dinner but don't think the chef did a very good job?" I can see a very character-driven movie not getting a director nod, but Atonement is purely driven by the story. They say that directing a movie is having to make 1,000 decisions at once, well every decision Wright makes is spot on here, he got robbed.

2. Tommy Lee Jones not being nominated for best supporting actor

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me with this one. Honestly, Jones’ performance in No Country For Old Men is not only the best performance of the year; it’s one of the best in the last 10 years. OK, maybe that’s a little melodramatic but he nailed every single nuance of the role, carries the movie and totally cements and at the same time redefines his tough guy image. Now, Jones did get nominated for best actor for The Valley of Elah, which I haven’t seen and heard he’s great in, and the academy may have given him this nod to make up for the supporting snub, but either way you slice it, this is a major crime.

3. Eddie Vedder not being nominated for best song

Please look at the best song nominees. 3 songs from Enchanted! Are you fucking kidding me? Does anything sum up the “70 yr old white guy” theme of the Oscars better than this category? Enchanted!? 3?!?! What a fucking joke. Honestly, I love the Oscars and of course will watch every second of the ceremony, but I think this serves as a major blow to its credibility. God forbid they have a politically outspoken rocker performing, he might say something controversial. Oh fucking no! Fuck Enchanted.

4. Helena Bonham Carter not being nominated for best actress

Here’s one of the biggest problems with the Oscars, there’s no way to know if the academy members have seen all of the nominated films. One of the side effects of this is that often times a role and not the performance itself will be nominated and sometimes win. Look at 1999, when Boys Don’t Cry’s Hilary Swank won best actress over American Beauty’s Annette Benning, in one of the dumbest Oscar wins of all time. Hilary was incredible of course, but she was playing a transvestite, of course she won! This year we’ve got Queen Elizabeth, a woman trying to reconcile with her family before dementia takes over, a drug addicted French singer from the 30s, a woman caring for her dying father and a pregnant teenager. All great performances but also all very Oscar-ish roles, not to take anything away from any of the women nominated, but I’ve seen Laura Linney and Ellen Page’s movies and neither of them was as good as Carter. She is able to make a despicable character likable, which seems like more of an accomplishment than what Page and Linney have done.

5. Knocked Up not being nominated for best original screenplay

Wait, explain to me again how Juno was better written than Knocked Up? Sure these movies are unfairly compared because they have similar themes (which is kind of like comparing Jerry Maguire to The Last Boy Scout because they both revolve around football), but that’s what happens in arbitrarily picked contests. Juno was great but weren’t there a few moments when you said, “ok, ok, that’s clever, but no one talks like that?” You didn’t do that once in Knocked Up, right? Doesn’t that count for something. Screenplay is a funny category; it’s tough for comedies to be nominated especially more straight-laced comedies like Knocked Up. You have to be a little zany and off the wall like Juno or Little Miss Sunshine to get some love here and I think that’s dumb. There should be room for both of these scripts.

And, to be fair, 5 nominations I loved:

1. Johnny Depp for best actor, Sweeney Todd
2. Amy Ryan for best supporting actress, Gone Baby Gone
3. Once for best original song
4. Atonement for best adapted screenplay
5. Ratatouille for best original screenplay

Friday, January 25, 2008

We're taking the day off


In observation of Australia Day, Apples and Moustaches are taking the day off. We will post again on Monday. Have a good weekend.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Apples and Moustaches - Thursday


Apple:
The only acceptable umbrellas are the ones that can fit 2 or more people in them. These umbrella’s for 1, which are a bit more bell shaped, piss me off. It’s more ‘fuck you’ and less ‘share some shelter with me’. While we’re at it, you should have to be at least 5 foot 7 to carry an umbrella on a crowded sidewalk.


Moustache:
New life rule: never trust a man who voluntarily wears a bow tie


Apple:
“I was like the Miley Cyrus of my generation” - Debbie Gibson


Moustache:
Drinking tea is kind of like jerking off to Playboy. Sure it has its own merits and is fun for a while but at the end of the day it just doesn't get the job done.


Apple:
Dear Dolphins,

Don't do something stupid like every team does when they have the #1 pick, just do the simple thing and take the best player on the board. Don't worry about what position he plays, just take the best player, Trust me on this one. Take McFadden. Just take him. Trust me on this.

Sincerely,
Someone who fucking hates the Dolphins but loves the draft.


Moustache:
Fearless ‘who’s going pro’ after this season predictions:

  1. Michael Beasely, Kansas St – LEAVING
  2. Kevin Love, UCLA – STAYING
  3. OJ Mayo, USC – LEAVING (or kicked out)
  4. James Harden, Arizona State – LEAVING
  5. Eric Gordon, Indiana - STAYING


Apple:
My birthday is coming up. Anyone wanna get this for me?


Moustache:
Scarlett Johansson has a new album coming out and has some incredible producers helping her out. Has any actor successfully made the leap as a respected music artist? For every Juliette Lewis there’s a hundred Russell Crowes. (we’re still crossing our fingers Zooey Deushanel pulls off the crossover.)


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Fuck You! - by Magglio and Jericho



There’s something in the air. Maybe it’s the freezing cold weather or the post-xmas hangover but people are definitely in a bad mood lately. In the past 3 days we’ve experienced more road rage, more angry co-workers and more depressing news than in recent memory. And we at Apples & Moustaches are no exception. We’re cranky, stressed-out and ready to go Kung Fu panda on somebody (btw, have you seen the fucking stupid trailer for this fucking stupid movie? Fuck You, Kung Fu Panda). So to try and quell our rage we decided to write a list of Fuck Yous. And if you don’t like it then Fuck You too!

*Fuck You, girl in my office who is always cold. Put on a fucking sweater. We can’t take off our shirts so it’s up to you to make it better.

*Fuck you, Incubus. Your music sucks.

*Fuck you, chubby blonde driving the Toyota Highlander this morning. You don’t own the fucking road. Put down your coffee and your cell phone and drive. There’s a reason you’ve got cobwebs in your crotch

*Fuck you, left ball, for being stuck to my leg right now. We're not at home you twisty little fuck. Unstick yourself, I'm not doing it for you anymore!

*Fuck you, Super Burrito. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten you. Now you’re sending me your own special fuck you back.

*Fuck you, Anderson Cooper's hair and Larry King's head. You both have no respect for the laws of physics. Hair cannot part like that and a forehead cannot be that big. Fuck you both!

*Fuck you, George Clooney. You smug mother fucker. Nobody cares about you, your movies, or your quest to save the world. You’re an actor. That’s it.

*Fuck You, Rory. I don't know you but I hate your fucking name.

*Fuck You, non-fat wheat thins. You taste like microwaved cardboard. Let's call you what you really are: cunty crisps.

*Fuck you, agent showing apartments. You’re having an open house for 20 minutes at 1pm during the week. You arrogant motherfucker you don’t think people work? And for 20 minutes?! What just cause you have the keys to a place and can open a door you think you own the world?

*Fuck You, "based on a true story". That doesn't mean anything anymore. It's like saying Michael Jackson's face is based on a real person.

*Fuck You, messaging platform. If a company doesn't know its own message then why the fuck are they a company? Here’s a message, fuck you!

*Fuck you, The Biggest Loser. What are you feeding those people? I don’t give a shit how much they cry and how much they work out and how bad they used to eat…what the fuck are they eating now? Why is this a secret? These people are losing 16 lbs a week and you tiptoe around the subject of what they’re eating. I need some fucking answers.

*Fuck You, "parallel". I always misspell you and you're a stupid fucking word anyway.


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Apartment Hunting in SF


We’ve been looking for a new place to live. It’s time to venture out of our little corner of the city and experience new coffee shops, new homeless people and new awkward hellos with neighbors. It’s been 2 weeks now and though we’ve made progress we still haven’t found the perfect place. It’s been an interesting adventure with creepy landlords, weird smells and monitoring of police blotters. We’d like to impart some of our findings to you, in hopes of making your next apartment hunt a bit easier.

Ten things to keep in mind when looking for an apt in SF:

1. Craigslist is still the way to go. There are a lot of pretenders out there but when it comes down to it Craigslist has the most listings and is the easiest to search through. Plus, if you get bored, it’s only a few short clicks away from this type of thing. Brilliant. (Thank you immoral compass)

2. Key words to be aware of: Adorable, Quaint, Charming, Cute – this means the apartment is really fucking small.

3. Other key words to be aware of: Opulent, Luxury, Residence – this means the apartment is really fucking expensive

4. If the landlord showing you around follows your wife too closely, recalls in detail the contents of the previous tenant’s garbage, won’t look you in the eyes when you ask about parking in the area and occupies the unit above…skip it.

5. When you’re concerned about storage space and the agent showing the apartment offers up the bathroom’s tub and shower as a “good place for your stuff” then skip it.

6. It’s nice to smell fresh paint. But when the fumes are so overwhelming your eyes are watering, it’s a sign of trouble. The landlord is covering up something. Skip that apartment.

7. Be wary of prices too good to be true. The last place we checked out didn’t have a dishwasher, laundry, parking, outdoor area or internet accessibility. And it was listed as a “GREAT FIND…this place will GO FAST!” Asswipes.

8. If the listing says Bayview, Excelsior, or Visitacion Valley then skip it. Unless you want to dodge bullets on your way to the corner mart.

9. If the listing says Seacliff or Sunset then skip it. Unless you can handle jokes from your friends like “How is it living in Daly City?” or “Are we still in San Francisco” when they come to visit.

10. Don’t click on the absurdly expensive properties. It’ll just make you angry and wanting to TP the fuck outta them like it’s 8th grade again. I got my eyes on you Octagon house.


Monday, January 21, 2008

Giants / Pats breakdown


1.
One of the truths of football at any level is that the QB gets all the credit when you win and all the blame when you lose. That’s just the way it is and how it always will be. So, I’m ready for all the “The Maturation of Eli” and “From Sibling to Super Bowl” and “From Vag to Super Swagger” and so on and so forth. However, as we’re jerking him off let’s remember three things: 1) The Defense, which gave up 70 points in the first two weeks, has come together and is playing outstanding football. We always knew the pass rush was good, but the second and third levels, particularly the corners, Madison and Ross are playing out of their heads. 2) The Offensive line, long one of the weaknesses of the team is road grading people, Eli has more time and is making better decisions, let’s give the line some credit for this. 3) Brandon Jacobs and Bradshaw are the perfect 1-2 punch. Jacobs, despite some momentary lapses when he runs too tall, has been unstoppable and Bradshaw has the quicks to cut back when defenses over pursue (which the fast GB linebackers did on almost every single play). I don’t know how any of these three will translate to the Bowl, but they are stories we need to remember during the “pull out and come on my tits” Eli stories we’re going to get overwhelmed with over the next 13 days.

2.
Giants Defensive Coordinator Steve Spagnuolo will be a head coach somewhere next year. He’s transformed a very good unit into an elite unit and has the look, feel and goatee of a head coach. How much would Washington love to nab him from the Giants next year?

3.
Mike McCarthy’s play calling in the second half was atrocious. Why was every run an off tackle and why was every pass play 10-15 yards down the field? That’s the exact opposite approach of what got them here and what Brett’s strengths are. Where’s the slant? Where’s the draw and screen pass? Why not stand up and throw it immediately to Jennings, see if he can make a couple of guys miss? Why not run the stretch play and tire out the Giants’ DEs? Where’s Donald Lee up the seams? That baffled me more than anything yesterday. Brett didn’t throw the ball very well, their LBs over pursued, Plaxico got to fuck Al Harris without even taking him out to dinner or anything, but McCarthy got out coached yesterday.

4.
5 quick hits:
- I think Favre comes back for one more year. He doesn’t want the last pass he threw to be a horrible pick that cost his team the NFC championship.
- Atari Bibgy needs to be mentioned in the “hardest hitters in the NFL” debate, that guy is a fucking assassin out there.
- What were Terry, Howie and Jimmy trying to prove with those hats? We get it, you’re all rich, white dickheads. We knew that all ready, you don’t have to scream it. They were one Barry Manilow song, one Bingo game and one “sending back the soup because it’s too hot and too tomatoey” away from having an old white man power rally.
- How great was Eli’s celebration? You could almost hear his thought process as he was looking for someone to hug, “white person, white person, white person, white person, white person, white person, there’s Jeff Feagles! Hug me Feagles! I love you, I love you, I love you.”
- How weird and uncomfortable was Archie Manning’s box yesterday. Can’t you see him just screaming at people the whole game? “Gall darn it, Robbie, sit your buns down! You know Eli hates when we high-five after a first down and I’ll be a toasted bagel in a synagogue before I let my son see you slapping skin after another first and ten!”

Friday, January 18, 2008

Fearless Playoff Picks


The closer we get to the Super Bowl the more pseudo fans come out of the woodwork. Chances are you watched the Wild Card game with just a few friends all of whom could tell the difference between Ernest Graham and Ernest Wilford. By the Divisional Playoffs, girlfriends started to surface, use of the f-word started to dwindle a bit and inevitably somebody asked “have they shown Jessica Simpson yet?” This weekend is what is commonly referred to as the ‘real Super Bowl’. And that’s not just because of the match-ups. It’s because of the people you’re surrounded by. This is the last chance you’ll have to semi-watch the game in peace. Most likely you’ll be surrounded by children and wives but for the most part they won’t care about the game. Someone will ask everyone to quiet down at the commercials and you can tell them to “fuck off”…that’s in 2 weeks. This weekend, remember, the f-word can be used but only when entirely appropriate…there will be women and children in attendance. As for the Super Bowl? Forget it. You’ll be shushed during commercials and the f-word is non-existent. Thank God nobody I care about is playing anymore.


Enjoy this weekend of football. It will be your last.

Game: Patriots vs. Chargers
The only question here is Randy Moss. Will he do anything this week or will he go through the entire playoffs as a decoy? The challenge when defending the Pats is they are loaded…and Brady sees all. He’s like the Perez Hilton of the NFL, but not as fat, gay or annoying. My guess? Moss catches 4 passes for 36 yards and a TD early on. The game is close until the third quarter when Wes Welker takes over. Not a lot of suspense in this game. Fingers crossed the Pats lose in the Super Bowl because if I have to take one more Bill Simmons “why I want to hump the entire city of Boston” article I might puke.

Prediction:
Patriots – 34
Chargers – 13

Game: Packers vs. Giants
Six things to think about during this game:

1. Eli Manning is starting in an NFC Championship game.

2. Snow is really fun to play in but could potentially slow this game waaaay down. As my dad says, it’s like having another player on the field which changes everything. I agree. Damn it Dallas, you’ve got the dome…where you at?

3. Osi Umenyiora might literally shit on Brett Favre…which would make for great TV.

4. This will be the James Jones coming out party.

5. AJ McLean has just announced that he believes in Britney Spears. You can close the book on that one.

6. Eli Manning is a bitch

Prediction:
Packers - 27
Giants - 21

Thursday, January 17, 2008

5 Fights to the Death We Want to See


Magglio's post yesterday about Brian Sabean fighting Bud Selig got me thinking about some other fights that we'd like to see. Here, in no particular order, are five fights to the death that would, could and should shatter all Pay Per View records as we know it. Does anyone have Don King's number? I'd like to present these to him personally.

1.
Fight: George Siefert v Barry Switzer

Title: “The Sloppy Seconds Super Bowl”

Why it’s Awesome: Both very average coaches that took over dynasties in their primes from legendary coaches and won a Super Bowl. Both struggled once the superstars left and suffered very ignominious final seasons, Siefert going 1-15 with Carolina, Switzer 6-10 with the Cowboys.

What’s at stake: Whoever wins drops the “Sloppy Seconds” title and is immediately enshrined into the Hall of Fame and enters the “greatest coach of all time debate.”

2.
Fight: Barry Bonds v Roger Clemens

Title: “Take it All Backne”

Why it’s Awesome: forget the fact that they are both the poster boys for steroid use and (correspondingly?) arguably, the greatest players to play their respective positions, we’re talking about two massive, ornery, pissed off forces of nature here. You’re telling me you wouldn’t pay $25 to watch these guys fight to the death?

What’s at stake: The winner has his name forever removed from the steroid debate, the congressional hearing list and George Mitchell’s comb over (related note, how can you trust someone to report on “performance enhancers” when they have a fucking horrible comb over? Isn’t that like preaching abstinence to kids with a massive hard on?)

3.
Fight: This Rachel Bilson Video v a bottle of Cialis

Title: “The Erection Dysfunction Malfunction”

Why it’s Awesome: One of the hottest chicks in the world battles a proven stiff lifter to see who can give a guy boner first and longer. Cialis says you should call a doctor if you have a hard on for more than 36 hours, can this video match that time frame? Early returns say yes.

What’s at stake: Years of scientific research could go straight down the tubes if this is proven true. Actually, nothing is at stake but how ridiculous is that video?

4.
Fight: George Lucas’ Imagination v George Lucas’ Ego

Title: “Awesome Worlds v Awful Words”

Why it’s Awesome: You know the old saying “the reach exceeding the grasp?” That kind of applies to George, but with this wrinkle added, “what the brain imagines the fingers shit out in the form of wooden characters and horrific dialogue.” No one on earth, or even in a galaxy far, far away for that matter, can match George’s genius in creating worlds, stories, characters and environments. The problem is that the first three films built him into this Hitchcock-like figure that had to control every single aspect of the production, including writing, producing, and directing. Watch Episodes I-III if you’re wondering if that’s a good thing.

What’s at Stake: if the Imagination wins then George can go on thinking up crazy shit and outlining how the movie should look, he might even get to direct, but he’s never allowed to produce or write another word ever again. If the Ego wins, then Episodes VII-IX will be announced in 15 years and have dialogue so bad it’ll sound like every speech George Bush has ever given looped together.

5.
Fight: A very drugged up Britney Spears v Britney Spears Kids

Title: Hit Me Babies One More Time

Why it’s Awesome: Look, here’s the thing that no one is talking about in regards to the Britney maternity trial: she doesn’t fucking want the kids! She could give a shit. She’s got 100x the resources that K-Fed does, if she really wanted them she could absolutely crush him. Build an airtight case, frame him, prove that he was with OJ during the robbery, you name it. I actually worked with Family Law attorneys in a past life and the firm that Britney hired, Trope and Trope is a bunch of fucking Piranhas. They could’ve absolutely crushed K-Fed’s team, but Britney doesn’t give a shit, she wants K-Fed to win, she’d rather pay child support than play Mom. No one wants to talk about this because it’s unimaginable that someone would willingly abandon their kids but that’s exactly what’s happening. So let’s take this a step further, forget the custody suit, let’s just give Britney her daily vitamins add a few cocktails and Vicodins into the mix and then figure this out Pagan style. Each of the kids gets an aluminum bat and gets to wear spiked cleats.

What’s at Stake: Life, Liberty and the pursuit of gossip magazines everywhere

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Is it Friday yet?


With yesterday’s congressional hearings on steriods putting direct blame on the San Francisco Giants and GM Brian Sabean, Bud Selig now has a tough choice to make. Should he turn the witch hunt on the owners and front office execs instead of just on the players themselves? Hasn’t this gone on far enough? What’s next, going after little 11-year-old Timmy’s parents because he had a poster of Mark McGwire in his room and surely they shoulda known McGuire was a doper? This is getting out of hand. We say settle it like men. With fisticuffs, bare knuckles, noogies and half-nelsons.

Think about it…

Bud Selig vs. Brian Sabean

Where you gonna hide Buddy boy? Behind Donald Fehr, George Mitchell and a bunch of other old, rich white guys? Take it like a man. Have you seen Sabean? He looks like he’s just stepped off the speedboat after a marathon limbo/wet t-shirt event out at Lost Isle…with his poofy faux mullet and beer belly. You wanna mess with Sabean? He’s got old man strength. He can bench press a Datsun. He’s wrestled alligators. This one is gonna be over quickly.


Links and gossip and whatnot:

Yes please:
Pics of Rachel Bilson in the latest GQ


Blake is leaving Amy Winehouse:

I can’t imagine why. I mean she’s almost more cracked out than Britney…almost.


Jessica Biel without makeup:
Still hot, am I wrong?


She and Him:

Zooey Deschanel (Elf and Almost Famous) and M. Ward’s new collaboration…album out in March. If she can sing half as well as she can act…then sign me up.


Fake Jessica Simpson!
This is what makes sports cool…right. Do you think she has a fake creepy dad?


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

3 Apples & 2 Moustaches


Apple
A recent headline:
George Clooney has offered to act as a mediator between the Writers Guild of America (WGA) union members and Hollywood bosses in a bid to end the strikes.

I mean, is there anything that Clooney can’t do? Did you know that his stubble cures cancer and his pee tastes like friendship?

Moustache
Politics:
Not our normal forte obviously, we specialize in balls, boobs and booze here at A&M, but if you’ll allow me to climb on a tall horse for a second…look, there are three really good Democratic candidates this year, all smart, well-spoken, driven and likable, all three seem to genuinely care and I truly believe that either of them would make a good President. I’ve watched the debates, read the materials from their Web sites and honestly, I can’t tell any of them apart. They all have the same goals, ending the war, improving healthcare, increasing the standing and perception of the US around the world – but they take different roads to get there and bicker constantly about the specifics. I have three thoughts on this:

1) Vote for the candidate that you connect with the most on a personal level; you have to trust that whoever the Dems put forward is going to have a strong agenda, your job is to pick the person that you’ll want to look at and listen to for the next 4 years

2) The general feeling of apathy that has permeated our country the last 5-6 years is fucking staggering. Bush has made us feel hopeless, uninspired, lost, that more than anything needs to change this election

3) Vote. Honestly, vote Republican. Vote for a horse. It doesn’t matter. Our generation votes at historically low levels, let’s change this (p.s. if you vote for a Republican or a horse don’t ever fucking read this page again – my diplomacy only goes so far you red neck fuck)

Apple
Three closing thoughts on the Hawks’ season:

1) I really hope Holmgren stays, there’s such a good foundation, we’re 2-3 players away from being a contender, but more than that, this team is built on his system, if he leaves and we can’t find a West Coast guy to replace him we’ll take a major step back

2) Sign Trufant and let DJ Hackett, Josh Brown and Locklear walk. Cut Marcus Pollard. Try and get Burleson and Alexander to take pay cuts. Hope that Chris Gray retires if not cut him. Sign an OG but not Alan Faneca; he’s too old and too expensive. Give Alexander one more year; if he falters again cut him next winter.

3) We need to use the draft to get a RB, a TE and to start rebuilding the offensive line. If Trufant leaves then DB will also jump to the top of the list. If for some crazy reason Jonathan Stewart, Fred Davis or Jeff Otah were there for us at 25, I’d jump up and down and grab my crotch thunderously.

Moustache
Three quickies on the Golden Globes:

1) Best picture is a two horse race between No Country and Atonement, and it looks like Sweeney Todd will eclipse Juno in the “no, we don’t only nominate stuffy dramas” best pic nom

2) Best actress and best actor seem to be all but decided, Julie Christie and Daniel Day-Lewis look pretty unchallenged at this point

3) The Globes are a very overrated Oscar predictor, pay attention to what the SGA and DGA do, those have much better track records

Apple
The current state of indie bands:
Thank God for The National, Kings of Leon, Band of Horses, Iron & Wine and LCD Soundsystem – in other words, I’d like to officially welcome back beards, booze and beer guts to the indie rock scene. Thank Fucking Christ. The skinny, black jeans, coked-up guyliner shit had to fucking go and let’s hope it stays dead forever, welcome back flannel shirts, boots and Mr. Jack Daniels.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Football Hangover – 1/14/08



Oh it hurts. My head is ringing from the weekend of games. What is typically referred to as the ‘best’ weekend in the NFL was a menagerie of chaos. How did we get to this point?

The weekend started with the following conversation:

Magglio: (wearing a game worn Seahawks Glenn Foley Jersey, sipping a Pabst Blue Ribbon, looking amazing) “Damn dude, I’m so excited about this weekend’s games.”

Jericho: (wearing a cardigan, sipping a pink lemonade) “Me too.”

Magglio: “Six of the eight teams are ridiculous. Which means we’re going to have a great weekend of championship games next weekend and the Super Bowl is gonna be filthy.”

Jericho: “Pats/Cowboys or Colts/Pack…this is gonna be great.”

(insert turntable scratch here)

What happened? Everything was lined up this weekend to put together some of the most competitive championship games in recent memory. And then reality sunk in. Peyton Manning does what he does best (choke) and the Cowboys got caught sniffing their own shit. Some observations from the weekend:

* Green Bay looked good. The Seahawks put up a decent fight, but the Packers are stacked. Can they be the team to unseat the Patriots?

* Shhhh. Eli Manning has quietly lead his team to the final four while big brother sits at home watching. Archie must feel like Richard Williams when Serena finally surpassed Venus. Except his pride and joy is a frail little ladyboy while Richard's is the man child. That sentence made no sense but I got to refer to Eli as a ladyboy. That was fun.

* Tony Romo played a helluva game. He didn’t get shit for protection and his receivers looked like they had alligator arms out there. T.O. is right to be crying this one is going to sting for a long while.

* The Jags put up a great fight, no doubt. This is the kinda team we’ll look back at and say if the Patriots were not the Patirots the Jags coulda done some real damage. Who knows how far they would’ve gone.

* Two reasons it sucks being a QB sometimes: Patrick Crayton and Marcus Pollard. Catch the ball for fuck’s sake.

* How soon before Peyton is back in the gym, working out, watching film, throwing passes and preparing for the 2008 season? My guess is he’s already there.

* Our man crush on Green Bay WR James Jones continues to swell (weird choice of words, we know). He’s a man child out there and when he gets the ball in the open field, watch out. He’s like a young T.O. with the Niners. When Donald Driver finally retires Jones will be the number 2 guy on that team. Watch out.

* The 2004 NFL draft featured Eli Manning and Philip Rivers in its first 5 picks. Both are starting this weekend. I’m still waiting for the Akili Smith/Tim Couch matchup from the illustrious 1999 draft.

* A&M had a disastrous prediction for the Colts/Chargers game. That was our guaranteed, can’t miss game. So what did you learn from this? Never take your football advice from a couple of slap dicks writing a blog. On another note, our can’t miss fearless predictions for this week’s games will be out Friday…I can’t wait!

* Brandon Jacobs is a beast. An absolute monster. I think he should be put in a caged ring with Christian Okoye and Jorvorskie Lane for a fight to the death.

* Get this, 145 running backs make more money than Ryan Grant.

Enjoy the week of banter, speculations, guesstimations, hyposthesis, Ed Werner and Merill Hodge. Championship Sunday is only 6 days away!


Friday, January 11, 2008

Fearless Playoff Picks - by Magglio & Jericho


Pats / Jags
Let’s all calm down here for a minute. Picking the Jags in an upset has been the trendiest of all trendy picks this playoff season. But people like this idiot need to consider a few things before they merrily take the points and buy a Garrard jersey.

1) The Pats are 16 and fucking 0! They’ve been pissed since week one; you honestly think they’re going to lose at home in the divisionals! Get real, dude. Everyone keeps saying, “the Jags are the hottest team in the NFL right now!” Um, isn’t the undefeated team the hottest team?

2) Belichick has been preparing for this game for two weeks, how good is Belichick at preparing in four days, let alone two weeks? Yes, the Jags have a great running game, but what happens when the Pats overload the line and make the Jags throw? Do you really think that Garrard can win a game in Foxborough against the best defensive mind ever? Me neither.

3) In addition to stopping the run, the other way you beat the Jags is by attacking the deep middle of the field. Which would be a problem for the Pats except for the fact that they have the GREATEST DEEP THREAT OF ALL TIME! Sorry for the Caps Lock, but come on! Moss will score three times on Saturday, you heard it here first.

4) This game will over by halftime.

Prediction:
Patriots - 31
Jags - 10


Colts / Chargers
If we had to choose one game to pick, our fool proof, no doubt, guaranteed winner…then this would be it. Did you watch the games last week? The Chargers looked terrible against the Titans of all teams. LT had 30 yards. How do you think they’re going to fair against a recharged, defending champ Peyton and the Colts? Everyone talks about the Chargers D and how they picked off Manning 6 times the last time these two teams met. But, everyone seems to forget that the Colts D finished 3rd in the NFL this season and feature the Defensive Player of the Year safety Bob Sanders. This has blowout written all over it. Like going deep into the Mission and ordering cabeza with your super burrito and extra beans. You know what I’m saying? This is a statement game for the Peyton and the Colts. New England who?

Prediciton:
Colts – 52
Chargers - 10


Cowboys / Giants
I’d feel 50x better about this game if we knew more about T.O.’s ankle, however, he’s such a threat that he’ll still draw a lot of attention regardless of how healthy he is, opening up things underneath for Witten and in the flat for Barber III. Adding to that, this is the 3rd time these teams have played each other, so no one’s fooling anyone, this is “what you do best against what I do best.” However, I like the Cowboys in this one for three reasons:

1) The Cowboys beat the Giants twice this year by an average of 10.5 points

2) Not counting T.O., the Cowboys are much, much, much healthier

3) The Giants looked a little too good last week, you can never trust wild card teams that look a little too good the first week, most likely they peak early, get over confident and get ass whipped in round 2

However, with all that said, I can’t get past three things: Eli Manning, Eli Manning’s face and Eli Manning’s vagina. Before last week I’d have said that a dog mating with a cat to produce the world’s first Dat, was more likely than Eli ever winning a playoff game on the road. I was wrong about that one, but I’m not ready to believe, in fact I’m 500 miles away from being ready to believe that Eli can win two road playoff games in a row. I just can’t see that happening, regardless of the destructive forces of T.O.’s ankle and Jessica Simpson’s bikini line.

Prediction:
Cowboys - 38
Giants - 24


Seahawks / Packers
(written by Magglio, because Jericho couldn’t handle the pressure on this one.)
With respect to Jericho who is a diehard Seahawks fan, something makes me really nervous about this match-up. Sure, the Hawks just tattooed the Skins in the wild card game but as we all know the score was a little misleading and they were in facing a guy named Todd Collins. That’s not my point. My point is that this Seahawk team, despite its tough D, its good QB and solid receiving corps is sketchy. This is not your 2005/2006 Seahawks. They lost at Pitt in week 5, at New Orleans in week 6, at Carolina in week 15 and at Atlanta in the last week of the season. The only wins on the road were at SF (doesn’t count) and a quality win week 13 at Philly. Face it, they’re not a good road team.

Bring the brash attitude, bring Lofa Tatupu and bring Patrick Kearny’s freaky robotic Todd Heap-like face. But it’ll be the same result. Green Bay will win this game by wearing down the secondary while Ryan Grant sneaks in frequent 10-12 yard runs. I wish it was different, but this my friends is the truth.

Prediction:
Packers - 27
Seahawks - 13


Thursday, January 10, 2008

We ain't got squat...



We at Apples and Moustaches pride ourselves on posting something everyday. Just as we count on our tens and tens of readers to read us everyday. We know you're counting on us to come up with something funny, interesting, annyoing, redundant, assinine, self-serving, or solipsistic. Well, today, we don't have squat. We apologize. We're busy at work, like all of you, and we can't pull our heads out of our ass long enough to come up with something. So, the least we can do is provide you with this delicious photo of Heidi Montag. Enjoy.

For more, click here.

Coming tomorrow: Fearless NFL playoff predictions.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Jericho Royall’s Top Ten Movies of the Year






* Note: I haven’t seen Into the Wild, There Will Be Blood, Eastern Promises, Michael Clooney or Charlie Wilson’s Vag and I’m expecting a few of these movies to join the list when all is said and done. I’ll redo this list once I’ve seen everything; I know you’ll be waiting with baited breath.


1. No Country For Old Men

Holy fucking shit this movie is fucking good (let’s see Roger Ebert start a top ten list that way). Great performances, great script, great tone and pacing and great action, honestly everything you want in a movie. Josh Brolin is perfectly cast, Javier Bardem is out of this world, and the supporting players all keep this baby humming, but I’ve got to single out Tommy Lee Jones, who gives one of the best performances I’ve ever seen. He nails every note, every nuance of the character. Even when he’s sitting silently on screen his eyes, his tired face, the slump in his shoulders – fuck, it’s an acting class. The Coens absolutely killed this movie, menacing, dark, philosophical, best movie of the year by a landslide.

2. Sweeney Todd

I don’t like modern musicals; I never have and probably never will. As I’ve said before, the problem with musicals is that the songs always feel forced and unnecessary; they’re big showy numbers that don’t advance the plot, they exist merely to exist almost like a special effect. Enter Sweeney Todd. The music doesn’t just drive the movie, it is the movie. I would guess that 90% of the words in Sweeney Todd are sung, not because the characters choose to, because they have to. Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter are absolutely fantastic, evoking empathy and hope for two raving psychopaths. That’s a great acid test for acting actually; do you connect and care for the characters even as they’re committing horrible acts on screen, otherwise known as the Tony Soprano corollary? Besides the acting, Tim Burton is at the top of his game here, creating a mood and environment that match perfectly with the subject matter. It’s extremely, ridiculously gory, btw, warn your girl beforehand.

3. Once

Wait, two musicals in my top three, what the fuck is wrong with me? Once is what’s wrong with me, what a perfect little movie. Honest, bare, moving, with great acting and incredible music. I bought this movie on DVD the day it was released, that pretty much says it all, right?

4. Gone Baby Gone

Oh, hello, Ben Affleck. Who knew he had this in him? Shooting in your hometown is a good start and having Casey Affleck, Amy Ryan, Morgan Freeman and Ed Harris onboard for your first feature always helps, but Ben announced himself in a major, major way with this film. Perfectly paced with great camera work and one of the most haunting closing shots in recent memory, this is one of those movies that stays with you for months after you see it. Well done, Ben.

5. Juno

A great balance of light and heavy, of comedy and drama, Juno is a major coming out party for Jason Reitman. He jumped onto everybody’s radar last year when he made his debut with Thank You For Smoking, and rather than going bigger for his second film, he actually went smaller. Great performances throughout, a lot has been said about Ellen Page at this point, but how about J.K. Simmons and Allison Janney as her parents? Loved this movie.

6. Atonement

If modern musicals are my least favorite genre, sweeping, romantic, British epics are not far behind. However, Atonement is much, much different thanks to Joe Wright and a killer script by Christopher Hampton. The best directed movie of the year, Atonement hums along, creating a sense of danger just below the surface that gives this movie an edge that most epics don’t even sniff (eat that, A.O. Scott!). I’m not a huge Kiera fan, but she does that rich, tortured British chick better than anyone and James McAvoy is lights out. I went to see this only b/c I knew it’d be nominated for best pic and was totally blown away.

7. Bourne Ultimatum

Frantic, frenetic and fucking awesome (put that on a poster!). One of the best action movies ever.

8. Knocked Up

Have seen this movie three times and it gets better with each viewing. By far the funniest movie of the year with great performances and perfect comic timing (maybe I need to see Superbad again, I thought that movie was 40 minutes too long and dragged at times). How invaluable is Paul Rudd? He steals every scene he’s in.

9. Kite Runner

This movie was really, really good but not great. The story is horrifying and poignant, and the acting, particularly the kids and the dad, is amazing. Something about this movie just missed a little. I didn’t like the main character and the main villain wasn’t developed enough, so the final showdown seems a bit forced. However, it’s still a beautifully shot movie, with great direction (Marc Forster, my favorite so I’m biased) and solid acting, definitely worth seeing.

10. American Gangster

I remember watching Gladiator a few years ago, liking it but not loving it, saying again and again, “it’s no Braveheart.” Flash forward a few years and Gladiator is one of my favorites, I own the DVD and have probably seen it 15 times. The same thing may be happening with American Gangster, because I keep thinking, “man, this is no Departed.” So maybe I need to give this time. The acting is solid, especially Denzel, the script is tight and the direction is inspired, but I thought it was a little droll. Time will tell.

So to recap:

Best Movie: No Country For Old Men
Best Male Performance: Tommy Lee Jones, No Country For Old Men
Best Female Performance: Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
Best Director: Joe Wright, Atonement
Best Adapted Script: No Country For Old Men
Best Original Script: Knocked Up
Best Shot: (tie) the last shot in Gone Baby Gone, the beach scene in Atonement
Best Villain: (tie) Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd, Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men

And for fun, the worst movie of the year:

The Number 23. Why, why, why? It’s one thing when movies like Norbit are terrible, those are supposed to be terrible. But this movie had Jim Carrey, Joel Schumacher and an awesome, awesome premise, how did it go so wrong?









Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Our thoughts on…

LSU vs. OSU:
(in an unsteady high pitched voice) Ehhh. Entertaining? Yes. Full of future NFL players? Sure. Pointless because USC or Georgia coulda done the same thing to the Buckeyes? Absolutely. Side note: Jim Tressel is lucky he’s the coach of OSU. Any other profession and he would be mocked, beat up and tormented for his sissy little sweater vests.


Vegetarians (by Jericho only):

I feel the same way about vegetarians as I do about guys who don't like to go down on girls: good, more for me


Roger Clemens:

We're not wasting any energy on this Neanderthal. Not reading any of the articles, not watching his pathetic plea on 60 minutes, nothing. He's a cheater. He should just take it like the rest of them. Imagine if he woulda just apologized like Andy Petitie or F.P. Santangelo. Why does this asshole think he's larger than life?


Japanese gameshows:
Totally sweet. Why are they so innovative? We have Deal or No Deal and they have this?! And why are all of the contestants so unathletic. It makes it so much better. Imagine if you’re watching one of these clips and all of a sudden a super coordinated guy starts playing. I wonder if they make them like that over there.

Check this one out.
(thanks Andy)


Mike Martz, offensive coordinator of the 49ers:

We could not disagree more with this move. Alex Smith is a mobile, strong arm QB who needs to roll out, run bootlegs and make plays with his feet. Martz's offense calls for a big, lumbering, accurate QB, three things Alex Smith is not. The Niners will take a major, major step back next year, Alex Smith will get absolutely pounded and only play 6-8 games, and Nolan will be out of a job. Horrible, horrible, horrible move. How do you hire Martz with Brian Billick and Cam Cameron looking for work? Fucking insane.


The primaries:

I look at it this way. There is no way possible that a Republican will win the presidential election. None. Not a single chance in hell. Laura Bush is more likely to be caught mounting the handyman on Big Brother 9 than having any of the Republican fucksticks (McCain, Romney, Huckabee) getting elected our next president. So party on you earth haters. Your time is almost up.


Jessica Alba, Baron Davis, and Cash Warren recently had a meal at Mamacita:

A really famous black athlete can have dinner with a hot white couple, which works. But the adverse is not true. Peyton Manning could not go out for sushi with Rihanna and her boyfriend. "Man, that umbrella-ella song, that just tickled me pink."


According to reports, Eminem was rushed to a
Detroit hospital over the holidays due to severe pneumonia and a serious heart condition. (he reportedly weighed more than 200 pounds):
It’s day 6 of my no-meat exploration. Sure, lunch gets a little more creative but my insides sure do feel better. The problem is I’ve actually gained weight. Hey Em, try reading Skinny Bitch. Meat is murder! Dairy is rape! Fat is fun!


Now, for all of you at home. What are your thoughts on this!


Monday, January 7, 2008

Gladiators ready?



Remember when Hulk Hogan was the baddest dude on the block?

If his ‘comeback’ with the WWE or his reality show on VH1 wasn’t enough, now we have this: Hulk Hogan is hosting American Gladiators. And while on paper this may sound like a match made in heaven it’s actuality a disaster. Instead of smashing skulls and waxing poetic on his opponents, Hulk has been reduced to scripted questions for overacting contestants on the most over produced show on television.

American Gladiators premiered last night after a 12-year hiatus. The show featured a new cast of beefed up Gladiators to compete against mere mortals on challenging physical events. But for all the hype, the show fell short of expectations in last night’s 2-hour premiere.

That’s not to say I didn’t like American Gladiators. It was entertaining at times and the action, though only in 30 second bursts, was intense. The problem with American Gladiators is how overly produced the show is. The beauty in the original show was the integrity of the events, the “everyday” contestants and the Gladiators. The original show felt like it could have been filmed at a local gym with a few local jocks vs. some ex-athletes. Today’s show was like a David Blaine special where the cast of the Real World battled against the BALCO patients we didn’t hear about. And it was all wrapped up with a pretty red bow disguised as Hulk Hogan.

A few observations from last night:

*Hulk’s flat-ironed hair was no better than his ridiculously lame questions to contestants. “Chris, you like strawberry shortcake. What was it like to go against Titan on the Wall?” or my personal favorite: “Brooke, you’re a physical therapist, how did your body feel after taking on Siren in the Joust?”

*The dialogue from the contestants was so candy corn and spoon fed it made me nauseous. It was like ‘Date my Mom’ or ‘Next’ on MTV. An actual quote from one of the contestants before an event… “And just like medical school, I’m going straight to the top.” I realize NBC is desperate to have story lines for each contestant but come on, we’re better than that.

*Anyone notice how hot the Gladiator Crush is? I’m just saying.

*Why do all of the male Gladiators look like women? Are they drug testing on this show? Really Mayhem…eyeliner? Come on dude.

*Talk about anti-climatic. On the very first event one of the chicks blew out her knee and couldn’t finish. She ultimately dropped out of the show altogether. Pretty weak. They should have road tested that chick.

*Best line of the night was from Hulk, interviewing a chick after the Rings event. “What was it like having her legs around your head?” Pervert.

*Like ultimate fighting, the biggest person isn’t always the best. A 5’4” chick defeated a lanky 6’ girl in the final event. Sometimes it’s the chokes and holds that beat the raw strength.

*“Beware of Helga!” All of the previews screamed it, the opening introductions of the show ended with the feared Helga and the audience went crazy when she was announced. How did this behemoth of a woman fair in her first event? She got owned by a 5’6” Vietnamese girl who ran right by her. So much for Helga.

*Two hours was way too much for the premiere. It was just two shows jammed together. Nothing in the 2nd hour was new or different besides the contestants. They blew their load early if you ask me. Two more hours tonight?

*The show did a terrible job of explaining the rules and points and how it all adds up to the final event. They just kinda launched into events and you had to figure out how points were acquired. Less should have been put into the fancy camera angles and smoke machines and more into the audience’s experience.

*My favorite part was when one of the male contestants raised his fists to Laila Ali (the other host) in jest and she said “You don’t want to do that.” Damn I wish she woulda knocked his dumbass out.

*Do you think Hulk is secretly politicking for Brooke Hogan to be a female Gladiator for next season?

*Why can’t we get more background on the Gladiators? Who are these people? Failed atheletes? Ex-bodybuilders? Pedophiliac sickos?

This show will make it. Hell, if a show that's nothing more than a contestant picking numbers of different suitcases can succeed, then surely American Gladiators will. Hulk will survive too unfortunately. In the end you don't even notice he's a part of the show. The real test will be when the contestants are narrowed down to the final 4 or final 2. Will anyone care? Will people rally behind these guys? Will anyone care that the winner gets to come back as a Gladiator next season?

In conclusion, the new American Gladiators was a lot of hype, talk, smoke machines, shit talking, spandex and beefy goodness. Despite its short comings where else can you see gigantic humans battle shit-talking mere mortals? I’m not giving up yet. Especially if Crush keeps on sweating and being all gigantor-hot. You hear me Crush? I’m having fantasies about you gunning me down in Assault. You know what I’m saying?



Friday, January 4, 2008

Apples and Moustaches for a wet Friday


Apple:
That’s it. Enough already. Look, I’ll be honest here. I wasn’t bothered by all the ‘Dr. McDreamy’ talk on Grey’s Anatomy…his character was ok and he’s not a terrible actor. I was only mildly nauseous when he started gracing different magazine covers and talk show couches. Sure, he’s got great hair. I get that. But this?! Are you kidding me with this? This is too much. Patrick Dempsey is so gay even Lance Bass wouldn’t fuck him.


Moustache:
"The good Lord has blessed me with skills that are uncommon, but are just something that I do naturally.” –Patrick Willis

Congrats to Patirck Willis, the NFL’s Defensive Rookie of the Year. (and congrats to Jericho for correctly picking both ROYs in his pre-season picks.)


Apple:

Speaking of apples, I ate my entire apple today. Including the core. My friend Kevin told me it’s the healthiest part of the apple. Something about more fiber. I’ll eat anything so I tried it. The texture wasn’t as friendly and it was a little scratchier going down. The real test will be on its way out. We’ll see what happens.


Moustache:
Were the first few days back from ‘winter break’ always this tough? I used to come back from the holidays feeling refreshed and energized. But for some reason I’m still dragging ass. I’m going to chalk it up as still in my vacation mindset. Or maybe it’s time for a career change. Either way the weather isn’t helping. My suggestion for you this weekend? A steady dose of Radiohead’s In Rainbows, ‘Intervention’ on A&E (not to be confused with A&M thank you very much) and push-ups…lots of fucking push ups…why? Cause American Gladiators premiers this Sunday on NBC! Holla.

Apple:
We’re on day 3 of the ‘no meat’ diet. I don’t feel any different. Except my cravings for double bacon cheeseburgers have sky rocketed.


Moustache:
NFL Playoff predictions for this weekend:
Seattle 24, Washington 14
Pittsburgh 27, Jacksonville 21
Tampa Bay 34, New York 10
San Diego 41, Tennessee 13


Apple:
Finish the sentence with resident A&M meat-eater Jericho:

Mark Mangino is so fat…. that Dorothy's original line was: "we may not be in Kansas anymore, Toto, but I can still see Mark Mangino’s fat ass.

If I had a pint of Guinness, a red sharpie and dysentery right now....I’d be a drunken Irish pirate with red circles around his nipples, or in other words Bono.

Megan Fox is so hot…that I wish I had a second penis so I could jack off to her twice.

And that my friend is why this blog is making so much noise.
Apples and Moustaches; read by tens and tens of readers.
Damn it feels good to be a gangster.


Thursday, January 3, 2008

3 Apples & 3 Moustaches


Apple
Of course Eli played out of his mind against the Pats, there was nothing to play for! All of these “he’s finally arrived!” and “no one wants any part of the Eli in the playoffs!” stories could not be dumber. Honestly as a Seahawk fan, I’d rather be the 4 seed and play the Giants at home in the wild card and then go to Dallas for the divisions. I’d much rather play Eli than Todd Collins, everyone on earth knows Eli will crap the bed in the playoffs, even Eli knows this! Instead, the Hawks get an emotional Skins team and then have to go to Lambeau in mid-January. Ouch. Sports writers are so fucking stupid.

Moustache
You know the old saying, “to really know someone you have to walk around for a day in their shoes?” Well, let me tell you, I bought a pair of used Steve Maddens this weekend and I feel exactly the same.

Apple
If a successful barber deems in his will that his oldest son will inherit his shop after he dies, could you say that his son is the hair apparent?

Moustache
I came down with a horrible cold over break. My nose is red and swollen and I’m emitting green goo every five minutes. In other words, my head is now Paris Hilton’s vagina. Or maybe I’m just making that connection because I met Stavros Niarchos at a bar on New Year’s Eve and let him nostril me in the men’s room.

Apple
The fact that there isn’t a playoff system in college football is rivaling the Writer’s strike for “baffling things that seem confusing but are actually so simple that they become confusing again.”

Moustache
Here’s a question: is Carlos Santana the Christopher Walken of music or is Christopher Walken the Carols Santana of movies? Think about it, both major, major talents, both incredibly unique with recognizable and often imitated styles, both can carry a project if need be but are better used and more comfortable as a supporting player, and both have settled comfortably into the “fuck it, I’m just making crazy cameos” phases of their careers. Maybe another, more A&M way of asking this question would be: is playing guitar on a Michelle Branch song the Balls of Fury of music cameos or is Balls of Fury the playing guitar on a Michelle Branch song of movie cameos? Can we get a ruling here? Do you see cameo and think cameltoe or is that just me?