Apples & Moustaches' First Annual Screenplay Contest

As scary as this may sound, our writing remit is not just limited to bad blog posts, we also write bad poetry, bad short stories, even bad screenplays. To honor the art of the bad screenplay, A&M recently held our first annual screenplay contest, click here to read the original announcement. Gotcha. While the winners were rewarded with good cheer and a coupon for $10 worth of Magglio’s famous chocolate bunny ears, the losers, aka, the worst scripts submitted will be further humiliated by having their work showcased here. Below, please find the 5 worst scripts by category and an interview with the grand prize loser, Katherine McFinney about her script, “The Switched On Heart.”

Category / Genre: Romance
Script: Building A Bridge For the Innocent
Writer: C.L. Paul

Category / Genre: Drama
Script: The Butter and The Butter Knife
Writer: Percy Cockswallow

Category / Genre: Sci Fi / Horror
Script: Nightmare on the Fisty Plains
Writer: Hanna Planderton

Category / Genre: Thriller / Crime
Script: Red Eyes
Writer: H.A. Ross

Category / Genre: Comedy
Script: Balls and Bush Willows
Writer: Jim McMahon

Transcript of interview with grand prize winner (loser) Katherine McFinney:

(To make this extra fun, we actually told Katherine that her script was chosen as the best in the entire contest, she has no idea that her script was dog shit and that we’re just making fun of her, isn’t that great?)

A&M: Katherine, thanks for taking the time to speak with us today and congratulations on writing such a unique piece of fiction.

KM: Thank you, thank you so much.

A&M: For those who haven’t had the distinct experience of reading it, can you quickly summarize what “The Switched On Heart” is about?

KM: Of course! The script is essentially a romantic comedy, but with a little hint of melodrama and medical expose. Think Serendipity with a little bit of Grey’s Anatomy and Erin Brocovich thrown in.

A&M: Oooohhhh! Walk us through the plot.

KM: A really successful businessman named Chris Smith is heartbroken when his fiancé Susannah leaves him at the altar. In order to numb the pain of his loss, he buries himself in his work, completely blocking out his friends and family. One night, while working extra, super hard to close a very important merger he has a major, major heart attack. His cardiologist, Missy Peters, looks at the X-rays and tells Chris that his heart is broken beyond repair and that he needs to have an emergency transplant. Chris gets the heart of Andy Michaels, a rich entrepreneur and adventurer who just died in a boating accident. After Chris recovers he finds that he’s having dreams about a woman he doesn’t know and is inexplicably compelled to find her and marry her. As Chris does a little research he discovers that the woman is Cindy Taylor, the high school crush of Andy Michaels, the man who’s heart is now beating in Chris’ chest! This discovery sends Chris on a spiritual and emotional quest to find Cindy and in doing so answers the question about how much our hearts really do feel.

A&M: Wow! That is rich, emotional, deep and rich. Who would you say your target demographic for this script is?

KM: Thank you. Well, I think that women will respond pretty well to the romantic comedy angle but there’s a lot in there for men to like too. The search for love, the quest to find out what is real and the trials we have to go through in order to acquire the knowledge and good sense to actually listen, not just hear but listen to our hearts are universal themes that I think everyone will respond to.

A&M: (silence)

KM: I mean, look at “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days,” “Failure to Launch” or “The Wedding Planner” those movies were great b/c they spoke to everyone, even though they seemed to be targeted towards women.

A&M: All great films. Also good arguments for the pussy side in a “is McConaughey a pimp or a pussy?” debate.

KM: Well…

A&M: Let’s talk about the writing process. Where do you get your ideas? How do you know you’ve got an idea that will make a good screenplay?

KM: I’m inspired by beautiful scenery, the people around me, and in finding the most interesting and direct way to –

A&M: Remove a man’s testicles?

KM: No, I was going to say, connect the audience directly to my heart.

A&M: Ah. So how do you know when you have a screenplay and not just a good idea? I’m guessing there’s a lot of crying and girl hugging involved.

KM: Well, I know my own heart better than anyone, so when I’ve really found the link, when I can see my dreams and myself clearly on the page, sure there’s some tears.

A&M: Fair enough. Any advice to the young writers out there trying to connect audiences with their own hearts?

KM: You know the old adage that says you have to love yourself before you can love someone else?

A&M: Wasn’t McConaughey in that?

KM: Well, it’s not a movie yet, but it could be.

A&M: Oh boy, look what I’ve done. Sorry, male population!

KM: I think the old adage is true of writing as well. You can’t expect to get into someone else’s head, to convey what their heart thinks and feels until you can do the same for yourself. I always start my scripts in a journal and recommend other writers do the same.

A&M: Is it necessary for the journal to have cats on it?

KM: I’m sorry?

A&M: Nothing, just making sure we’re covering everything. So, in closing, anything you’d like to add as the innagurual winner of the Apples & Moustaches’ Screenplay Contest?

(editor’s note, Katherine then spoke for roughly 15 minutes about her heart, my heart, your heart, everyone’s heart and how her heart was hurting b/c it was so full of connection and joy just knowing that other hearts were out there and that they were open to love and interested in hope and aware of other hearts and wanted to connect and share dreams and be together. A summary of her response is below).

KM: (getting teary)

Women blah hearts blah connect blah find blah tears blah puss blah blah blah.

A&M: Wow! That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. That was the biggest display of estrogen I’ve seen since Dick Vermeil retired. Thanks for your time Katherine and congratulations on winning this prestigious award.

KM: (microphone turned off)



In related news, “The Switched On Heart” was just optioned by Paramount for five million dollars, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Megan Fox, Matthew McConaughey and Paul Walker have agreed to star and Katherine McFinney has signed an eight-picture deal.

Fuck me in the ear.