Apples and Moustaches after MNF

Apple
Fifteen years ago Steve Young was the coolest motherfucker on the planet. He loved to pick apart a defense with his arm or his feet and he loved fueling speculation that he was gay by…well, just acting gay. But that’s not the point. Fifteen years ago Steve Young was so cool. And now? He’s a flaming dooshwad. What happened? Did anyone catch him on MNF tonight? His hair looks like it’s been sprayed on worst than John Travolta and he says the most asinine things. For example “Desean Jackson is a kid. He’ll fix that.” (in reference to Jackson throwing the ball away before crossing the goalline.) Newsflash Steve…Desean is a moron. He’ll never change. Fortunately for Desean his talent will keep him in this league. Fortunately for Karma fans everywhere Desean won’t finish this season after being de-cleated going across the middle in a few weeks. Stay tuned.



Moustache
Look what happens. We go and hype Chris Cooley’s blog and then he goes and posts a picture of his genitals on his site…”on accident.” Come on Cooley, fess up. I’ve posted pics of my balls on this site at least 5 times and pictures of Jericho’s mom countless other times. (Wow! We haven’t had a mom joke on here in ages. That felt good.)



Apple
Doesn’t it feel so forced whenever ESPN switches over to ESPN Deportes so we can hear how “them real life Mexicans hear the game”? (It‘s like the kid who has one black friend and then invites said friend out and makes sure to talk ghetto and do a lot of complicated handshakes with him in front of everyone.) The ESPN Deportes announcer finishes his call and there’s an awkward silence and Tony Kornheiser laughs and says “We have a few of those that tend to our lawn. I just want them to fix me a lemonade!” (Insert old guy laughs here.) I don’t get it.



Moustache
Does anyone else get Palladium on TV? It is possibly the greatest channel in the history of the world. It’s all live music all the time. Sure, right now some bitch group is covering Simon and Garfunkel but that’s not the point. Give me a sports page, a soy latte and a hooded sweatshirt and put palladium on and call it a night. Wait, scratch that. Make it the new GQ, a drip coffee with a dash of cream and some 5-inch heels squishing my balls until they turn blue. Now put Palladium on. Voila. Heaven.



Apple
In case you couldn’t tell, the picture above is of Patch. Yes, the world famous Patch. His haircut has taken a turn for the better so we thought we’d show him to the world. It dawned on me we only showed his picture one time previously and that was months ago. As you can see, Patch has gained some weight and now lives the life of a suburban housewife minus the minivan and the Chardonnay. He loves Regis and Kelly and shushes everyone in the room when Dr. Phil comes on TV. On another note we’re thinking of dressing him as Che Guevara for Halloween and referring to him as El Comandante. This is one dog who could lead a revolution. This much I know.



Moustache
I can’t stop listening to this song…I also caved on my own rules by listening to some of the new TV on the Radio album before it’s come out (next Tuesday!). Three words to describe what I heard after previewing the songs Friday night; experimental, frantic and spiritual. God Bless TVOTR. And no, the link above is not from the new album. It’s actually from their first album. An unreleased record called OK Calculator.






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A few thoughts, then the weekend

By Mags and Jer:

Apple
Would you rather tie a rubber band six times (wrapping it and wrapping it) around your testicles for an entire day…

Or go see this movie…?

Based on the classic 1939 film, The Women is a comedy about contemporary womanhood in modern Manhattan society and the power of female relationships. At the center of it all is Mary Haines (Meg Ryan), a thoroughly modern woman suddenly confronted with an age-old dilemma: a cheating husband. The ladies in her life swiftly rally to Mary's side, led by her best friend, magazine editor Sylvie Fowler (Annette Bening). But when Sylvie betrays Mary in a Faustian bargain, the entire group is shaken to the core, and two women face the most painful breakup of all -- their friendship. Eva Mendes, Debra Messing and Jada Pinkett Smith also star.

What the fuck?

Oh and by the way, if Meg ever decides to write a book about her career post You’ve Got Mail, I think the best possible title would be:

How I grew so tired of people calling me Sally or Annie, I left Hollywood, adopted a Chinese baby and had so much surgery that my face looks like Dyan Cannon’s left butt cheek.

Moustache
Patch got a haircut yesterday. We are now calling him KiKi. He looks like a cocktail waitress on a low priced Caribbean cruise. After a few drinks he moves his hips a bunch more and gets lipstick all over the end of his cigarette. Needless to say we're all hoping this one grows out soon.

Apple
You have to love how stupid people who write about advertising are. The ad trades have been absolutely slaughtering the new Microsoft ad with Gates and Seinfeld, mocking the company, wondering what the hell the ad was for and bemoaning the fact MSFT spent $300 million on a campaign that makes no sense. Don’t they realize that by mocking the ad they are demonstrating it’s worth? No, it doesn’t make sense, but you fucks keep blabbing about it to the point that people are talking about it – which, correct me if I’m wrong, is the fucking point of advertising in the first place? How dumb is that? That’s like wondering why the soup tastes like piss while you’re pissing in it! “This soup missed on all levels! It tastes like pee and not just any pee, my pee! I wouldn’t eat this…(tap) goddamn soup if I...(tap, tap, tap, a little stream, tap, one last burst, tap, drip, drip)...if it were the last soup on earth. Now give me a spoon damn it!”

Moustache
I saw a guy on the street today wearing a full Indian headdress. This wasn’t an Indian mind you. This was a homeless black dude in a wheelchair wearing ray-bans, a navy blazer with gold buttons, rocking a full beard and, funny enough, wearing a full Indian headdress. This wasn’t the most interesting part however, you see this kind of shit every day in the city. No, the interesting part is he was screaming at a bike messenger to “turn off yo bike! Turn off yo bike!” He kept yelling that over and over. I kept walking. True story.

Apple
I’m taking Michigan and giving the points at home against the Irish. I’m taking the Chiefs at home and giving the points against the lowly Raiders. And I’m taking myself and the over on the number of times I yell “JTO…The Future is NOW!” during the game at Seattle.

Moustache
I drafted Eddie Royal. I totally did. If you don’t believe me then scroll down about 7 or 8 posts ago where we discuss our teams. Everyone made fun of me when I picked him. One dude sent me a text the next day that read ‘McRoyal with Cheese?’. Well guess who’s laughing now bitches. Granted he sat on my bench week 1, I’ll admit it. This week he will start for me since Marques Colston has an owie on his thumb, even though Brandon Marshall is returning. I’m not afraid. I’m also not afraid to go after a wayward spoon in the garbage disposal while it’s still running. Yep. Big time balls on this guy right here.

Apple
I don’t care what anyone says, Spiderman is a cunt. Can you imagine if Vince Young’s mom was Jewish? Not only would he be “hurting in his heart” but he’d also be the most special, most handsome and most important boy in the universe. Forget the prospect of the first black president or the first female vice president and the significance of either of those achievements, between John McCain’s comb over and Joe Biden’s hair plugs this is a turning point for bald guys everywhere. Please watch the trailer for the Soloist, I don’t ask much. This is the early front runner for the “sloppiest sappiest cunt music themed movie” award of 2008. Taking the mantle from 2007’s August Rush and 2006’s Dreamgirls. I think it's safe to say, fuck any movie that has the line, "he's my friend. I'm his friend" in the trailer, am I wrong? I’ve never understood why the J is only worth 8 points in Scrabble. I mean, unless a ninja is dong a jig, going for a jog or jotting down notes on a jet, you’re completely fucked, right?

Check it out

As our friend Gavin would say...."Keep it"





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The Island

I don’t watch a lot of TV. That’s not a ‘holier than thou’ statement it’s simply a fact of growing up. There’s just less time in the day. After work, after the gym, after walking Patch, after making dinner and trying to get laid….then there’s TV. My DVR is overflowing. When it’s a show I really care about, then I make the time, such as Hard Knocks. But shows like Family Guy, Intervention, Curb Your Enthusiasm even Mad Men seem to get backed up. But one show never does…and that’s Road Rules/Real World Challenge. Let me tell you one thing, last night I was exhausted. Just run down. But you know what? It was the season premier of RRRW: The Island and there wasn’t a chance in Bristol Palin’s sexy thong that I would’ve missed it. (wait, she’s underage right? Whoops. Strike that then. Let’s make it her mom’s thong. There, that’s better. Wait, she’s from Alaska? Different rules there you say? Ok cool. We’re sticking with Bristol then.)





RRRW The Island premiered last night with a bang. Well, not really a bang, but a TON of heavy petting. Does anyone else think that Johanna is like 85% hot? She’s got the whole package but when you start to break it down piece by piece (starting with the face) then she’s kinda broke. Anyways, I’m not gonna recap the show, that’s for dooshbag bloggers. I’m here to provide predictions, observations and perverse fantasies. It’s what we do best.



The Premise – Ok, so they’re stranded on an Island with meager supplies and tough living conditions…what? Come on. It looked like a resort. They had comfy chairs and nets over their beds. I mean, I understand that having just rice to eat could get old but they have a refrigerator for fuck’s sake. MTV missed the boat on this one. Anyone who’s seen Survivor (which I imagine most people have or know the premise) will call bullshit on these ‘brutal living conditions.






Tanya – First one out the door, and luckily it was on an island so there weren’t doors per se because this bitch put on a good 15-25lbs and I doubt she could fit through. I’m telling you, Tanya has beefed up since her sluttier days of going topless and doing soft core on Showbox.






Rachel – Always banging, but I think she gave those 15-25 lbs to Tanya. Rachel is so skinny I didn’t even recognize her. It makes me nervous. She didn’t have any weight to lose. And I’m not saying nervous like “is she bulimic, blah, blah, blah” I’m saying nervous like how can she knock heads with the other chicks when she weighs in at a buck o'four maybe a buck o'five at the most? Ev is the biggest lesbian threat on this show these days. Rachel has taken a serious back seat. (but I’d still totally hit that)





Johnny Bananas – (this is the part of the program where I talk real tough because I’m hiding in a blog.) Hey Johnny! Yeah you. Grow a pair! Get a haircut! It’s MTV for fuck’s sake! Do something with your life you bum. Remember Mark? And Beth? And Eric Neiss from the Grind? They wised up (or were asked not to return) and moved on with their lives. It’s your turn now buddy. P.S. You’re not cool. You’re the guy that quotes the Miller Taste League commish during parties and head bobs to music a bit too aggressively. You never get the hottest chick, you get the leftovers. Enjoy Paula!





Derick – My all-time favorite. This guy is an animal. And he’s married now with a kid? I love it. I can’t wait for him to chase down some bigger dude, knock him down, win the challenge, break into tears and talk about the strength he channeled from his child. I just got chills thinking about it.





Robyn – secretly, the hottest chick on this show. She knows what’s up. She works with what she’s got and let me say….it’s working. I hope she stays around just so we can see her in a bikini more often.



My prediction - I'm taking Derick and Rachel. They haven't said how many people actually will win, but traditionally we pick 2. So, there you go. Who do you got?

What's what

Here’s what’s what on this glorious Wednesday afternoon.


So hot right now:
-Handjobs at sporting events

-Eddie Royal’s coming out party

-Using a Rolodex instead of a blackberry/outlook calendar

-Giving someone bunny ears in a photograph

-The color Grey

-Wearing a pair of glasses to accessorize your outfit. Glasses. Not sunglasses.

- Referring to tits as “sweet candied yams”

-Chinese food

-New term for fucking two girls at same time: I'll prolly parlay those bitches

-Referring to a strong cup of coffee as “pokey”…For example, “this coffee is quite pokey”

- Polka dots and animation…but not together. Just separately.

- Red and Pink for holiday colors

-Chris Cooley’s blog

- Christian Louboutin handbags (and yes, I am a straight male.)

- The little nurse outfit Giselle is wearing right now.



So NOT hot right now:
-Masturbating with your other hand

-Telling people to “stay wit it”

-Mexican Food

-Marshmallows

-Referring to tits as ‘major yabbos’

-Marques Colston’s thumb

- Sarah Palin

-Beverly Hills 90210 and The Hills

-Not having Big Macs in your freezer...just in case

-The color black

-Any movie with George Clooney and Brad Pitt where they try to see who can look the most smug. Guess what? You both win!




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A few A&Ms

Apple
In an effort to appeal to its Hebrew audiences, Disney is remaking Toy Story with all Jewish toys – Woody will be a plastic Rabbi named Goldie and Buzz will be a futuristic dradle named Gavrel Spinstein – the title of the movie: Goy Story.

Moustache
Did you hear that NAMBLA’s President Timothy Ploughington has launched a presidential campaign? He’s vowing to fix Bush’s educational platform, amending the program to read: No Child Left Without Something in Their Behind.

Apple
On a scale of one to five of ball-pinching leg wedgies – with one being a wedgie you can fix by playing pocket pool under your desk and a five being “I’m going to a stall and starting over” – I’m about a 4.5 right now. My right nut feels like Winnie the Pooh when he got stuck in Rabbit’s house after eating all that honey.

Moustache
If there’s a better line to ask a sales person at Banana Republic than, “excuse me, do these chinos make my dick look too big?” then I haven’t heard it.

Apple
I’ve officially entered the “please just shut the fuck up and highlight the clip” portion of my relationship with Chris Berman. I never, ever thought I’d get here. Maybe it’s the weird “Blitz” thing, maybe it was one too many verbal Favre undercarriage licks, maybe it’s the dumb way he makes a prediction and then stares at the camera with that half cocked, “I’m fucking starving” look during the draft, maybe I’ve gotten to the point where I’m watching a little too much football related TV, I don’t know what it is, but I feel like Boom hasn’t said anything relevant in five years. I’m kind of depressed about this actually. Boom was always the Dre to TJ’s Snoop, but maybe it’s time for him to give up the game and just start doing steroids in the hills like Dre does.

Moustache
When you were 14 watching Michael Jordan in the playoffs – did you ever think to yourself, “you know what? One day they’re going to totally reinvent Sports Center and build the entire show around Hannah Storm?” What the fuck is that? If you flash forward fifteen years and the Oscars are named the Shias then we’ll know where the precedent came from.

Apple
The VMAs were incredibly depressing for me this year – it really drove home how fucking old I am. Who the fuck are these people? Who the fuck is Taylor Swift? Jordin Sparks? The Ting Tings? Am I that old? Remember when you were a little kid and you’d be watching the VMAs and your mom would walk in and see 2Pac bopping around the stage and say “what’s wrong with his pants?” Well, who the fuck is Flo Rida? And what’s wrong with his pants?

Let me clear my throat....

Whew. Now that’s what I call a hangover. Jericho’s bachelor party was legendary. So much so that we haven’t been able to function for the past 7 days…let alone post on our blog. That’s the longest we’ve gone without posting since Jericho thought it would be a good idea to put peanut butter all over our balls and go to the petting zoo in Salinas. Yeah, messy situation. Not recommended.


Where to begin? No, Andy we didn’t retire from blogging. Yes Emily, Roethlisberger looked great on Sunday but unfortunately he’s the only good player on my fantasy team. No Sa, we can’t post Facebook pictures of people who were hot 10 years ago and now look like raging lesbians…it just wouldn’t be right. And yes KK, that looks like a terrible rash. Put a little talcum powder on it and get plenty of tugjobs from the lady. That will cure most flare-ups.


Thoughts on things and other stuff:

*Thank God the NFL is back. My wife woke up Sunday morning to me watching football and mumbled “Thank God. I fucking hate baseball season.” While I won’t go that far I am fucking stoked that football is back. Granted, I seemed to have picked up right where I left off in my fantasy life, down 30 with a WR and a DEF to play tonight. But who cares. John Madden! Ed Hocholii! Michael Turner! Joe Flacco!….and twwwwwinnnnns! (Thanks Tahoe Banta. I think I blew my load on that joke. I’ll try to bring it out again later. Apologies. )



*My phone just rang at work and the first name was listed as ‘Starkisha’. Is that real? That must be a joke. Right? I didn’t answer. The mystery continues.



*Washington got screwed on Saturday. I completely agree that they made the “correct” call…but it’s a really stupid rule. Jake Locker may be the best player in the Pac-10. And if not, then he’s tied with Jahvid Best. Regardless, the Dawgs are 0-2 and have #3 Oklahoma coming to town this weekend. At least we don’t have Jimmy Clausen at QB. What a dooshbag that guy is. Did you see his hair? He looks like he’s on Little House on the Prairie.


*Lincecum is pitching tonight. The only reason worth watching a Giants game anymore. Give us 2 years though and we’ll be contenders. You heard it here first, again.


*Brady goes down! And while we’re at it, here’s an interesting fact we heard this weekend. Six of the last seven Super Bowl losers didn’t make the playoffs the following year. Matt Cassell may not save your fantasy season but with that sort of offense and Randy Moss he’s libel to put up some decent numbers. Pick him up. And who is this Dante Rosario from Carolina? 7 catches, 96 yards and 1 TD. He’s listed as a TE. He’s also listed as an Oregon Duck. Figures. Pussy.


*Nothing from Jericho’s bachelor party will make it on this blog. We operate on a “toe-the-line” NC-17 rating at all times (please see the “let’s hump the Jonas brother’s post here”)


*Person I wish I would’ve drafted: Marshawn Lynch


*Person I wish would impale themselves on a first down marker: Maurice Jones-Drew.


*Entourage is back! And with sex! And tits! And lots of F-words! I’m glad. But why couldn’t it return in June when we had nothing to watch and the Giants were sucking balls. It’s almost under appreciated at this point with football season kicking off.


*We failed to do a proper NFL preview this season. Who cares. We did make these predictions last week and failed to post them (please see hangover above). Our NFC picks will follow later this week.

-AFC West: SD 12-4, Den 8-8, OAK 6-10, KC 2-14
-AFC East: NE 13-3, NYJ 9-7, BUFF 7-9, MI 3-13
-AFC North: Pit - 12-4, CLE 7-9, CIN 6-10, BAL 5-11
-AFC South: INDY 11-5, HOU 10-6, JAX 9-7, TEN 8-8


*On a final note, blow me. We’re rusty. It’s been a week since we last posted. We’ll be back to normal shortly.






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