Percentage Chance...

by Magglio and Jericho

Percentage chance Brett Favre is actually retired: 50%
When Aaron Rodgers takes the first snap then it’s official.

Percentage chance Christian wins Project Runway tomorrow night: 35%
The bitchy chick with no personality seems like she has the edge.

Percentage chance Barack Obama wins Texas and Ohio today: 65%
That bitch is played out. Time to rock out with your Barack out.

Percentage chance 6’8” high school Junior Britney Griner is actually a dude: 88%
Watch 1:45 on this video. Listen to her talk.

Percentage chance that Randy Moss does something really dumb now that he has the security of a three year contract: 87%

Percentage chance that this headline will appear on Espn.com after Randy Moss is arrested for driving with marijuana in his car: Rolling Stoned Gathers Much Moss: 100%

Percentage chance Sean Salisbury has a dildo strapped to his forehead right now and is “pleading” with Chris Berman to let him back into Bristol: 95%

Percentage chance that someone from ESPN will actually have an orgasm on air during a Favre montage this week: 96%

Percentage chance that Memphis and Kansas both won't make the Sweet 16: 67%

Percentage chance Stanford makes the Sweet 16: 75%

Percentage chance that Ryan Seacrest will accidentally out himself on national TV by thinking his mic is off and turning to Simon and saying: "God, I want to fuck you so bad": 68%

Percentage chance that Big Ben used a large portion of his signing bonus to totally supe up his Match.com account: 98%

Percentage chance that a video exists on the web of someone navigating their iPhone with the tip of thier penis: 100% - percentage chance that it's Steve Jobs: 97%

Percentage chance that Eddie Van Halen's mystery ailment turns out to be a major case of "you fucking suck give it up all ready": 98%

Percentage chance that at least one of the candidates will mention Brett Favre in a speech tonight: 17%

Percentage chance that a reporter is interviewing McCain and just thinks to himself "oh fuck it, I'm asking him if he got botox, his eyes are tighter than a baby's kneecaps": 82%

Percentage chance the next question is: Mr. McCain, would you say you're the greatest hero in American history, or the second greatest?": 100%

Percentage chance that "pouring syrup on her pancakes" becomes the hot sex move of 2008: 67%

Percentage chance that the editor of TIME who leads the first general election issue with the headline "Black vs Mac" will be fired immediately after: 100%

Percentage chance Noah Lowry actually caught the Mackey Sasser/Rick Ankiel bug: 33%

Percentage chance Nicole Ritchie is withholding breast milk from her new born baby because she thinks she’s getting fat: 80%

6 Thoughts on the NFL as Free Agency winds down

No, this pic has nothing to do with anything, but when I put "free agency"
into google images this was the fist pic that came up. So there you go.

1.
Best free agent signing: ATL, Michael Turner

This is a brilliant move, 6 years at $34.5 million – that is a fucking steal. Not only will he give them the first home rum threat they’ve had since Jamal Anderson, but this frees them up to take either the best OL or best QB at the #3 spot in the draft. They can use Norwood as the change of pace back and get Turner 25-30 touches a game – I love this move.

2.
Worst free agent signing: CLE, Donte Stallworth

I don’t get this one at all. You’re building a young, talented offense, why spend $35 million on an injury prone head case? Besides, with Braylon Edwards on board you don’t need a deap threat, home run hitter type complement, you need a tough, move the chains, Wes Welker type slot receiver. CLE’s offense was out of this world last year, but the D couldn’t stop anyone – you’re not doing anything in that division unless you can bang with PITT and BAL, spend that money on D, don’t sign a speedster who won’t play more than 12 games next year.

3.
Best trade: NO getting Jonathan Vilma for a 4th rounder

My jaw hit the floor when I saw this. Vilma was an absolute star in his first couple of years when he was the fast, active MLB in the 4-3. The last few, he’s been the strong side backer in the 3-4, which nullifies all of his strengths and is just an absolute mismatch. With that said, the Saints got an impact player, who will fly all over the Superdome making plays at every point in the field and only had to give up a 4th rd pick. Phenomenal trade, does the NFL do comeback player of the year awards? If they do, you just found your candidate.

4.
Worst trade: NYJ getting Kris Jenkins from CAR for a 3rd and 5th rounder

Giving up two draft picks for a 360 pound (ESPN says 335, which is kind of like saying OJ Simpson is “sort of” crazy), ball of lard, would’ve been bad enough, but what makes this worse is that the Jets immediately tore up the final two years of his contract, giving him a five-year, $35 million deal that includes $20 million in guarantees. $20 million in guarantees! He’s averaged ten games a year in his career; he’s only going to get older and fatter, $35 million! That’s just stupid. Here’s the thing about the Jets off season so far, if you have a ratty old couch and you trade it to someone on craigslist for a ratty loveseat and recliner, you know what you’ve done to improve your living room? Absolutely nothing. I can understand the Faneca signing, I get trading Vilma when he didn’t fit, I’m fine with trading Dwayne Robertson if he’s underachieved, but you add all these moves together and it seems like they’re in the exact same place. Kind of like a treadmill.

5.
How the top 5 draft picks look like they're going to shape up:
1. MIA = Chris Long, DE, Virginia
2. STL = Jake Long, OL, Michigan
3. ATL = Matt Ryan, QB, BC
4. OAK = Glenn Dorsey, DL, LSU
5. KC = Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State

A few things to note / watch out for:

- Did you know that the last time a top 5 pick was traded was the Vick / LT deal? You’ll hear a lot about “Miami entertaining offers for #1” don’t believe them for a second – this rarely, rarely happens.
- With that said, the only possible trade I can see happening is Dallas packaging the #22 and the #28, and possibly a third rounder and moving up to #4 or #5 to take McFadden. Makes a lot of sense for all three of these teams, but we’ll see how it all plays out.
- You cannot underestimate how important Left Tackles are in football. Everything on offense starts and stops with that position, with that said, if I’m MIA and I have the #1, I take Jake Long 10 times out of 10. Look at the boost Joe Thomas gave CLE last year, young tackles contribute immediately. QB, RB, DE, these are all important, but every team would get instantly better with a great young tackle, if Long is on the board I think every team in the top 5 should take him, regardless of more pressing needs.

6.
Here’s a trade that makes so much sense it won’t happen:

PHI sends McNabb and the #19 to CHI for the #14 and Ced Benson.

Tell me that trade doesn’t make both teams immediately better. It’s time to end the McNabb era in PHI, too much baggage, too much “almost there.” Besides, it’s been painfully obvious the last few years that PHI isn’t McNabb’s team anymore; it’s Westbrook’s. However, Westbrook is injury prone and he needs a tough, grind it out complement, Benson is perfect. Same story for Ced in CHI, expectations were way too high from the start, he clashed with Lovie, this is a chance for him to start over for a good coach in an offense that will let him touch the ball 12-15 times a game and score 10 touchdowns. At #14, PHI can get a lineman or an impact receiver like Limas Sweed and at #19 CHI will be able to get a solid RB like Mendenhall from Illinois, Stewart from Oregon or Felix Jones from Arkansas. Perfect trade all around.

Is it Friday yet?

Apple
I’m still pissed about Diablo Cody winning an Academy Award for Best Screenplay. Look, Juno was a good movie. Hell, Juno was a great movie. But best screenplay? No way. There were so many RTs, so much forced teenage dialogue, so many moments where I cringed because that’s just not the way kids talk. I feel like crusty old Academy voters felt like they were finally connecting to a younger generation and assumed the dialogue was ‘just the way the kids talk these days’. So they voted for it. Can you imagine when you tell grandpa something and he replies “serious to blog?”. Yuck. On the other hand, you have to appreciate that Diablo Cody became the first screenwriter to win an Oscar and then have naked pics of her posted on the internet the next day. Glad it was her and not Tony Gilroy.

Side note: That pic is not of Diablo Cody. It's of Antonella Barba, from last season's Amercian Idol. Know your pop culture. Thank you.

Moustache
Drinking at the movies is not only encouraged here at A&M it is strongly recommended. (if you’re 21 or older, of course.) We’re always scouting good movies to bring a little Southern Comfort along. Some previous favorites? Little Miss Sunshine, Because of Winn Dixie (come on, it was Dave Matthews) and Blades of Glory. Next on our radar? Step Brothers. Will Farrell owns this category. We wanted to see Into the Wild but it seemed a bit blasphemous to be getting tanked as we watched a guy starve to death on screen. Unfortunately I went empty handed to see Fred Claus. It would’ve taken at lot more than a pint to make that movie good.

Apple
You know who would fit perfectly into the Niners and Mike Martz’s offense? Colt Brennan. The Niners could draft him in the 5^th round, nab Devin Thomas (WR from MSU) in the 1^st round and build a team that can actually move the ball. There was a telling point last season when Nate Clemens picked off a pass and the announcers were saying he had to score if the Niners had any chance of winning. He didn’t score on the return. And, not surprisingly, they didn’t win.

Moustache
I’m not watching American Idol, not since AG was voted off. I am watching Project Runway and am not afraid to admit it. I could listen to The Beatles’ Abby Road all day long. My new apt has a back yard which has and will change my life. My dog only has one eye. I haven’t had a proper drink in 2+ weeks. Washington plays Stanford tonight and it’s not on TV. Is that really how bad the Huskies are? The Giants first spring training game is today. I will pick Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain with my first 2 picks in every Fantasy Baseball league I’m in this year. I landed 2 tickets to see Eddie Vedder in Berkeley in March. I’ll probably scalp them both. I feel like head butting everyone at work today. And not in a celebratory way.

A Few A&Ms for a Wednesday

Apple
The recent “I’m Fucking” videos have served as a glaring reminder of just how big the coolness gap between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck is. Matt did it first; Matt did it better and, like most of his acting performances, Ben’s video tries a little too hard. This debate was decided a long time ago - right around the time Matt was premiering the first Bourne movie and Ben was offering to floss for Jenny but she turned it down because after all, if she was ever in the mood for flossing she had her own – but if you need another reminder, there it is.

Moustache
Think about this question before answering, kids. Would the world be a better place if we could push a button and immediately remove all a) religion b) nuclear weapons or c) disease?

Got your answer? If you answered “b” or “c” you’re a moron.

Apple
Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds were recently seen hanging out in Vegas together, partying at Pure and gambling until 5am. Through our contacts at the Hard Rock, we actually got a transcript of a conversation the two of them had at a blackjack table very late at night, take a look:

BB: Man, I got that Queen again! Barry hate the way this bitch look at him!

TO: That white bitch ain’t know shit. Let’s get some waffles.

BB: Barry can’t eat no waffles. Barry don’t eat nothing that he don’t know what in it.

TO: (tearing up) You can’t talk about waffles like that. It’s not fair. Okay? It’s not fair. That’s my favorite. That’s my breakfast.

BB: Barry hate this hand! Okay, Vegas, you win. You wanted to break Barry, well you broke him. You wanted Barry to jump, well the wind is blowing Barry’s hair around and Barry’s clothes are flapping back and forth because Barry jumped and now gravity is working on Barry.

TO: Gravity don’t work on TO! TO decide what shit goes up and when that shit come down!

BB: Barry agree!

TO: You hungry yet?

BB: No, Barry ain’t want no chewing! Barry decide when Barry eat and when Barry…Barry starving!

TO: Oh shoot.

Apple
The Justice Department has been ordered to investigate whether or not Roger Clemens committed perjury by lying in his senate hearing a few days ago. In other news, Congress has convened in an emergency session to determine who actually was the best dressed at the Oscars, Senator Horman Cranst (R, Oregon) will shave his scrotum in a special session so that the Senate can finally answer the age old question of “does shaving your balls really make your dick look bigger?” and the Supreme Court will decide the legal implications of Panic at the Disco dropping the exclamation point.

Moustache
I know we joke a lot here at A&M, but I wanted to call attention to a very cool, very important event that happened a few days ago. The New York Philharmonic recently visited North Korea for a seminal, 2-day run that was an operatic movement towards peace and unity. For a brief moment, cries of “terrorism!” and “sanctions!” went as deaf as Ludwig van Beethoven and the only WMD on hand were Wolfgang Mendelssohn Dyoshtetevsky. We may not be able to orchestrate a treaty, but we can orchestrate an orchestration. Bravo.

Apple
Yahoo! turning down MSFT’s bid happened a few weeks ago, but I was busy and didn’t get to chime in, so here goes: Yahoo! turning down MSFT is akin to having Alessandra Ambrosio offer to blow you twice a day but turning it down because you’d rather just wear silk boxers.

Yahoo! is fucking Betamax, that’s how fucking worthless they are at this point. This will be remembered as one of the dumbest and costly decisions of all time. No offense to Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang, but you are wong on this. Way wong.

To spend...or not to spend

We moved last weekend. We uprooted our peaceful little home, crammed it all into boxes and then spewed our lives all over our new place of residence. For those of you who haven’t moved in a while or forgot what it’s like let me have the pleasure of reminding you. It sucks. It royally sucks. It sucks like an outdoor festival with the Von Bondies opening and Smashing Pumpkins as the headliner. Yeah. That’s how bad it sucks.

Let me put things into perspective for you. For the third consecutive day I’m wearing my wife’s deodorant. I smell like a cucumber salad. Every night I’ve had to search through boxes to find something to make for dinner. Going to the bathroom is like competing in American Gladiators. At any point in time a pile of clothes, a sharp object or a wayward box could end my life. Now imagine trying to find the bathroom with the lights out. Yeah, it sucks.

The past 2 weeks have been a train wreck of tape, boxes, bad pizza and a sore back. Nothing fucks up your life quite like moving. There’s the terrible purgatory state in which nothing is settled. I’m literally dreading going home tonight because I know the mountain of shit that awaits.

Last week, I got into a fight with a roll of packing tape that lasted 20 minutes. The open strip of tape somehow sealed back onto the rest of the roll. After finally relocating the starting point I spent the next 18 minutes picking and picking away trying to get it going again. I shit you not. Little shards of clear tape flew off in every direction. Big strips turned to small strips. Eventually I gave up and threw the whole roll away. I wish I would’ve spent the extra money on packing tape. I selected the $1.29 generic roll over the $3.29 big brand name. Costly mistake. How could I have known? It got me thinking, there are certain things in life you should spend money on. There are other things in life you’d be stupid to spend money on. Let’s explore.

Cardboard boxes: Save your cash
These are abundant. Go to any recycling center, grocery store or anywhere on Market St. from 3^rd to 8^th and you can pilfer some good boxes. We actually stopped by UPS to see how much they cost…$8.50 a box. Are you kidding me? We laughed and left and completed our move without spending a single dollar on a box. Felt good about it too.

Shoes: Spend your cash
This is a definite. I don’t care if you’re dirt poor, invest in a good pair of shoes. No fluctuating on this one. I know that Jericho disagrees with this one. He wears thrift store shoes often. But not me. I’ll happily drop some bills on a nice pair of shoes. Mark Nason anyone?

Giants tickets: Save your cash
Please note this has nothing to do with the quality of baseball on the field. But is has always been my goal to go to as many Giants games as possible without spending a dime on a ticket. It’s not as hard as it sounds. There are so many floating around in corporate America. My advice? Make friends with a large printing house. Those dudes ALWAYS have seats. Or start blowing Peter Magowan. That works too.

Produce: Spend your cash
Nothing worse than a dried out orange or a mangled apple. Spend the extra ten bucks and buy your produce at Whole Foods or the farmers market. It makes fruit taste like candy.

Porn: Save your cash
If you can’t find good free porn online then you don’t know what you’re doing. Email magglioandjericho@hotmail.com for tips on some good sites.

Shampoo, Conditioner, Hair Gel: Save your cash
This one is simple. Just use your chick’s stuff. Sure, it costs her a fortune but you don’t need much and if you’re sly about it then you can get away with it for months. Better yet, if your girlfriend has roommates you can use stuff from each of them. It delays them finding out. (sorry…and thanks Andrea). Added bonus, your hair will shine like a 12-year-old school girl.

Sugar: Save your cash
Steal it from Starbucks. They never pay attention. But only use the Sugar in the Raw. The fake shit will kill you someday.

Wrapping Paper: Save your cash
Use newspaper. You learned this one in 4^th grade. No need to thank us.

Pens, paper, rubber bands, etc: Save your cash
Steal from work. Everyone knows that.

Umbrellas: Save your cash
Never, I repeat, never buy an umbrella. What’s the point? You’ll lose it anyways. Just wait until one falls into your possession. It’ll happen. Just give it time.

Good workout clothes: Save your cash
Sure they provide a porous surface to release sweat while you blah blah blah. Problem is you look like a fuckwad who spend $65 bucks on a workout shirt. Try old frat shirts. Those work the best.

Ketchup: Spend your cash
You definitely don’t want to be the guy who brings out the Hunts.

10 Thoughts on the Oscars

1.
Solid all around show, good opening monologue, good speeches, nothing really memorable but entertaining throughout. Solid B+

2.
Anyone who is calling Actress and Best Supporting Actress upsets hasn’t seen those two performances. La Vie En Rose was just ok, but Marion Cottilard absolutely killed that role, a total 100% transformation. I haven’t seen Away From Her so I’m a bit biased, but I can’t see anyone being better than Cottilard, might be the best performance I saw all year.

Best Supporting Actress is always the most difficult category to call, I was personally pulling for Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone, but Tilda Swinton was incredible in Michael Clayton. On a side note, how fucking weird is Tilda Swinton? Seriously. You know how we often refer to great actors as “chameleons?” – well Tilda Swinton is a chameleon… literally. Would anyone be surprised if it was revealed that she lays eggs? Me neither.

3.
I take back my earlier comments about Eddie Vedder not being nominated for best song. After seeing the three whimsical Enchanted songs and the uplifting, touching choir number from August Rush, I don’t think Eddie was robbed at all, he had a good song, a great song, but he was way out of his league last night.



(Are you fucking kidding me!?!?)

4.
Once! Yes, yes, yes! I honestly yelled out loud when they won. I’m telling you, see this movie please, I don’t ask much. If you rent it and don’t love it Magglio will blow you. I promise.

5.
The most ridiculous thing about the Oscars is how strict they are about the acceptance speeches yet bore us with fifteen minute long montages, a fact that Jon Stewart skewered brilliantly with the binoculars and periscopes skit. You have to love that the Oscars are billed as a night to award the best in film, when really the Oscars are about celebrating the Oscars.

6.
The best part about Diablo Cody is that even though she’s the hot new thing and an Oscar winner, she’ll still blow you for $15. You have to respect that.

7.
Did you know that George Clooney sweats courage and that every time he smiles a child dreams of peace in French even if they don’t speak French? What’s up with his chick? Why does she always look like she’s trying to read a sign that’s too far away?

8.
Do you realize that all of the acting trophies went to foreigners last night? Javier = Spain. Cotillard = France. Swinton = England. Day-Lewis = wherever the fuck he wants.

9.
Really happy with all of the awards last night, some really deserving people won. I would rather have Michael Clayton for screenplay over Juno, and PT over the Coens for directing, but you really can’t complain with how everything worked out. See ya next year.

10.
And just for fun, since we’ve officially wrapped up the movie year, here’s my updated and final top 10 list:

1. No Country
2. There Will Be Blood
3. Michael Clayton
4. Sweeney Todd
5. Once
6. Gone Baby Gone
7. Eastern Promises
8. Atonement
9. Juno
10. Bourne Ultimatum

A Few A&Ms for a Friday

Apple
Had about four minutes to eat lunch yesterday and ran over to a sketchy Mexican place where I heard a woman in a power suit ask the woman at the register, “what’s good here?” Are you kidding me, lady? You don’t ask what’s good at a sketchy Mexican place, you order the simplest thing on the menu and pray that you can get through the meeting before the diarrhea kicks in.

Moustache
You know you’re at a “boys weekend” when the subject of sexual exploits comes up and someone says, “I beat that pussy like it owed me money.” Fair. Totally fair.

Apple
Did anyone see the lunar eclipse the other night?!?! Big fucking whoop. Seeing a lunar eclipse is kind of like seeing Meg Ryan naked, everyone should do it once and then just move on.

Moustache
If you had a long drunken night with your buddies and are laying in bed trying to figure out how much money you spent, here’s a great litmus test: if there are pictures of you in a limo and you have no recollection of being in a limo then you spent a shitload of money.

Apple
Two fun celebrity-oriented headlines and two bad jokes to go with them:

"Stars who attended Punk'd star Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday party in New York are among those being urged to get a vaccination against Hepatitis A."

After getting Punk’d, Ashton’s friends now have to get Prick’d! Or, now that’s what I call schwag!

“There are two new kids on the block joining Jenny.”

Don’t be fooled by the twins that I popped, I got an extra stitch in my twat. Or, the Earth welcomed two more people who hate that "El Cantante" movie.

Apple
Oscar predictions:

Best Picture
Will Win: No Country
Should Win: No Country

Actor
Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis
Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis

Actress
Will Win: Julie Christie
Should Win: Helena Bonham Carter (not nominated)

Supporting Actor
Will Win: Javier Bardem
Should Win: Tommy Lee Jones (not nominated, but I’m more than happy with Javier winning)

Supporting Actress
Will Win: Cate Blanchett
Should Win: Amy Ryan

Original Screenplay
Will Win: Juno
Should Win: Michael Clayton

Adapted Screenplay
Will Win: No Country
Should Win: There Will Be Blood