An A&M to start the week

Apple
Where does the fact that all four #1 seeds have never made the final four rank on the “things that don’t make any sense yet make complete sense” scale? Before or after W getting elected twice? Before or after Megan Fox having sexual intercourse with Brian Austin Green on a regular basis? Or, before or after the idea that when you’re on a long car trip all you can think about is standing up and walking around but once you’re up and walking all you want to do is sit down?

Moustache
Let me put it this way, scrubbing the bathroom because you need your deposit back rather than want your deposit back is akin to jerking off when your girlfriend has to run an errand versus jerking off after a week long camping trip with the boys and coming home to find your girlfriend is out running errands.

Apple
An anatomical guide to the political parties:

Republicans = a penis.

Republicans don’t give a fuck. They want the White House and will do whatever it takes to get there. If the nomination process was reversed right now, do you think the Republicans would be worried about the “rules” and “being fair to everyone” or would they just say, “fuck it” and do an automatic redo in Michigan and Florida? See, a penis doesn’t think about consequences, a penis says, I’m going in something tonight and I don’t give a fuck who knows or who cares. A penis acts without thinking, trusts its instincts and ultimately just does what’s best for itself at that exact moment, if that’s not “playing fair” who cares? Fair is a relative term that changes based on what the penis is currently after. A penis can have friends as long as there’s a distinct understanding of what everyone is after; anything or anyone that gets in its way is an enemy. Don’t fuck with a penis when it’s hard about something, it won’t listen and it won’t back down.

Democrats = a vagina

A vagina is a deep thinker, a philosopher, fair and equal, considerate, compassionate, just, educated, or in other words, a vagina is a complete fucking pussy. Only a vagina is capable of being dominated for 8 years and then get itself into a tizzy about whether or not to count Michigan and Florida, even though the penis has no say and is not involved in the decision in any way, shape or form. A vagina argues with itself constantly, it’s compassionate to a fault sometimes, spending so much time weighing the pros and cons that it lets opportunities slip away. A penis doesn’t have pros and cons, it has yes and no and that’s it. A vagina spends so much time analyzing its analysis that it doesn’t even realize the penis is fucking it until too late. A vagina wants to be loved and a penis wants to be respected, and that makes all the difference.

Moustache
I wouldn’t call it my favorite movie, even though it’s definitely in my top 5, but the last 15 minutes of Shawshank are the best 15 minutes in movie history. There isn’t better writing, acting or direction anywhere. If you watch the last three minutes starting with “For the second time in my life, I’m guilty of committing a crime” and don’t get goose bumps then you need to step away from the computer and call your Mom right now.

Apple
Is Ashlee Simpson the Kate Bosworth of “I can look smoking hot or hideous depending on my outfit and your mood” or is it the other way around?

Moustache
Look, I don’t blame the Giants for wanting to move on, start a new era and put the focus back on the team as a whole, but I think removing everything Bonds related is egregiously inane. The man was the Giants for the last 16 years and you remove every single image of him from the park? What about all the money he made the franchise over the years? Do you really think people were filling the park to see Rich fucking Aurilia? Ticket sales, merchandise, national exposure, you can erase all of that without Bonds. $100 million, $200 million, I don’t think it’s possible to calculate how much cash he made for the Giants and to cut ties that quickly is just wrong in my opinion. What about a simple poster in left field thanking him for 16 years? You don’t have to mention any of the records, the man won 5 MVPs in your uniform and this is how it ends? That’s sad.

Home, Sick

Things that sound like fun to do when you’re home sick from work, but actually kinda suck…

*Watch morning shows on TV?…um, has anyone seen those lately? Regis and Kelly can blow me. The View? Yeah, if I’m menstruating. Price is Right? I’m not sure if this show still exists.

*Jerk off?…no energy. Too tired.

*Nap?…too many meds in the system won’t allow actual sleep

*Read?…not possible, head is too fuzzy which means words are too fuzzy which means my head gets fuzzy again

*Talk on the phone?…to whom? Everyone is working. At least my wife doesn’t have caller ID at her desk so I can keep bugging her.

*Check Email?…why would I do that when I’m away from work? That’s just crazy talk.

*Play with Patch?...That’s fun for like 10 minutes, but then he gets pissed I’m not just letting him sleep all day. I don’t blame him. Little bastard.

*Watch a movie…too much commitment. I tried to watch Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds but gave up about 3 minutes in. But damn it he’s handsome.

*Listen to the new Raconteurs album?...I felt too shitty to even do that. And if you know how much I love Jack White then you know how crappy I felt.

NCAA Pool Update

You know you're out of an NCAA pool when you're watching a game hoping for Butler to beat Oklahoma but the problem is Butler and Oklahoma haven't been playing for at least a week. Here's the current standings of our super nerd blog pool we're in. Keep in mind the hockey blog is in first place. Awesome. Our self esteem is sky high.

The Battle of California – 58

The Sports Lounge – 56

Gossip on Sports – 55

Apples & Moustaches – 51

The Play in CA – 48

Bears Necessity – 44

More to come...

Countdown...

By Magglio and Jericho-

*4 hours and 20 minutes until…the NCAA tournament resumes…sweet

*8 hours until…Jose Gonzlaez takes the stage at The Fillmore tonight

*3 days until…the potential reappearance of JustinBobby! Holy shit. What mischief has ol’ JB gotten himself into this time? Excessive knots in his hair? A battle and a loss with a bar of soap? Some sort of silly shenanigans? The legend returns. Stay tuned.

*4 days until…we all collectively scratch our heads and say…how the fuck did an 11-year-old kid lead Davidson to the Final 4?

*5 days until…someone hits two homers on opening day, prompting someone to make the requisite, "(fill in the blank) is on pace to hit 324 homeruns this season" joke, proving yet again how fucking stupid baseball is.

*20 days until…the Biggest Loser finale when the men finally take off their shirts and we learn that despite the massive weight loss they do in fact still have bitch tits. (Sweet luscious man bitch tits. Whoops, did I say that outloud?)

*30 days until…the Niners pass on lineman Gosder Cherilus to take a WR who is no better than Rashaun Woods was a few years back. (Side note: this is the guy that Jericho has been recommending the Niners take and we all should trust him after he lobbied for and got Patrick Willis last year.)

*4 months until…a man in a panda suit rides a unicycle into a large stadium, has pantomimed sex with a rhino and then gets eaten by a dragon, who swallows the bear, burps and then shoots fireballs out of his eyes at a large podium, or whatever else the weird Chinese will think of for the opening ceremony at the Olympics. Silly China.

*5 and a half months until…Jericho’s bachelor party. We’re looking into houses in Lake Tahoe, arranging “supplies” and seeing if we can contact Ashley Dupre. (side note: Honey, that’s not cause we want to have sex with a hooker. That’s cause we want Benny to have sex with a hooker. We’re trying to help a brother out. You understand. Don’t you?)

*2 years until…Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn join forces to form the world’s first super social networking site. The new domain, “LinkMyFaceToYourSpace” will fail after cunnilingus enthusiasts everywhere cry false advertising.

*3 years until…squatting and kneeling merge together to form Knequatting, the most uncomfortable position in human history.

*5 years until…the LSOLS (the lesbian society of lesbian societies) petitions congress to have Jodie Foster's knuckles declared national landmarks.

*6 years until…the scientific community finally agrees to remove “tit” from Hepatitis, saving a beautiful word from further disparity and forcing Paris Hilton to update her Hepais medicine.

*7 years until…Jenny Craig announces a controversial new diet drug called “DirtyPussy.” A spray that can be applied to all tempting foods, DirtyPussy makes even the sweetest treats taste like Rosie O’Donnell’s turf after a six-mile walk. In a moment of extreme irony, Pamela Anderson will spray her Keebler Rings with DirtyPussy only to have Rod Stewart (the one’s she’s currently giving Rabies to) proclaim, “blimey, these cookies taste just like your cookie, baby.”

Hold please

Apples & Moustaches will return as soon as I shake this head cold and Jericho pulls his head out of his ass. In the meantime...thoughts from my snot rag... 

Come on in the water's great:

1. The Hills return to MTV...

2. Brian Bocock and Eugenio Valez

3. Jack White

4. Stanford Basketball

5. Betting on The Bachelor...I'm taking Shayne this season.

Get the F! outta here:

1. Allergies, Head Colds, Sarah Michelle Geller

2. Chris Webber

3. Continuous chatter about the NFL draft...let's just do it already

4. Texas Basketball 

5. Taxes...uh those are due soon right?

The Sweet 16

By Magglio and Jericho -

Following the best weekend in all of sports we wanted to provide you with the top 16 moments that stand out in our minds. Of course these started out as just NCAA posts but quickly turned into whatever was on our minds. In no particular order…

1. Stanford’s Brook Lopez is a man among boys. This kid is amazing. He single handily won the game for The Cardinal on Saturday. There was no part of him that would let his team lose. This is the kind of performance that will lift him to a top 10 pick in the upcoming NBA draft. You know what won’t help his twin brother Robin’s draft status? His Krusty the Clown hair. It looks like he has Macy Gray’s dome in a leg lock. But one questions remains, why do they have girl names? Did their parents lose a bet? I can't take them seriously

2. When you hear the statement “hit the glass” do you want to take a phat bong rip? Or is that just me?

3. MLB officially kicks off tonight/tomorrow morning at 3am with Boston and Oakland battling in Tokyo. Reports say the entire Japanese media hangs on the Sox every word and then vacates the premise when it’s time for them to speak with the A’s. Not sure why this is news. It’s called the ‘Associated Press’ or ‘ESPN’ or any of those other coastists fucks who will suck off anything having to do with Boston or New York while ignoring the West Coast. Go A’s.

4. Look, I like OJ Mayo. He's like a cross between Ben Gordon and Tayshaun Prince. But at the same time can someone talk to him about his little mustache? He looks like an accountant, and there's nothing dorkier than a chest-bumping accountant.

5. If they were handing out top seeds for the tournament this weekend, we’d give the nod to UNC, Wisconsin, Louisville and Kansas. Sorry West Virginia and Memphis. You get a 2 seed. UCLA? Stanford? 3-seeds. You’ve got a tall climb ahead of you.

6. Tickets for SF’s Outside Lands show are on sale this weekend to the general public. But, click on this link if you want to buy tickets now. As far as we can tell only 3-day passes are available. Plus, whose call was it to put Jack Johnson as a headliner above Wilco, Beck and Ben Harper? Bold call.

7. Hey CBS! Way too much Clark Kellog and Billy Packer and not enough Seth Davis and Bill Rafferty.

8. Defense wins championships. We all know this. So who has the best defense right now of the 16 teams remaining? Our bet is on Wisconsin, Washington State or West Virginia. Those teams play smothering in-your-face defense. It’s like a team of Stacey Augmon’s out there. If WSU can somehow make UNC play their style of ball, then they have a shot. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s any chance for the Cougars. Can you believe the spread for this game is only 8?

9. For some reason the other blogs in our ‘Battle of the Blogs’ challenge are scared to post the results after 2 rounds. We’re not. Here’s how we stand:

Apples & Moustaches – 43

Gossip on Sports – 43

The Battle of California – 42

The Sports Lounge – 40

The Play in CA – 40

Bears Necessity – 36

Yeah, that’s right. We’re tied for the lead at this point. And tied with a chick none-the-less. We’re not worried about it. Of course, it’s still anyone’s game. Pitt hurt us but we’re banking on big wins from West Virginia and Wisconsin as well as Memphis to choke on their own free throws. We like where we stand. Countdown till Apples and Moustaches take over the universe! (or at least get to offend a whole new crop of readers.)

10. After looking at her recent bikini pics…we came to a startling revelation. Jennifer Aniston is hotter than Angelina Jolie. How the fuck did this happen? This is like waking up one morning and realizing the Monkees were better than the Beatles.

11. Stephen Curry reminds me of Monta Ellis. Quick first step, natural jump shooter, glider rather than a sprinter. He seems like one of those guys that will get drafted in the 20s or 30s, do nothing for the first 2-3 years and then come out of nowhere to be a solid #2 option on a team.

12. We offered resident donkey punch KK the chance to write something for this post…here is what he came up with…:

The first week of March Madness is the most exciting and entertaining week of sports bar none. Last week proved once again why college basketball is the premier sport and why college football is a couple steps behind. March Madness generates so much buzz for not only sports-enthusiasts but also for people who don’t give a shit about sports. What other sport allows you to discuss predictions and analysis with co-workers who are fucking useless when it comes to sports.

And that concludes our KK as a writer experiment. Sorry, buddy, but this isn't show friends, this is show business.

13. Another thing CBS fucks up is having way too much analysis and predictions in the pre and halftime shows and not nearly enough info about the schools themselves. Where the fuck is Davidson? Why does Xavier’s mascot look like it belongs on a frozen fish sticks box? Who did they beat in the regular season, who’s their best player and what kind of defenses and offenses are they susceptible to? Instead we get blanket statements like “Georgetown has to make free throws.” Oh really, you think so, doctor?

14. Is there a dumber column to read online than "revised tourney predictions?" Fuck you, man! I'm in last fucking place and so are you, just bend over and take it!

15. By far the stupidest NFL rumor right now is that the Bengals and Cowboys are considering a Chad Johnson trade. How would that work? Ocho Cinco and TO on the same team? That'd be like that show Big Love except with Chloe Seignvy and Gennifer Goodwin replaced by two enormous black guys that can't pronounce vowels.

16. I know Bill Parcells is a genius and a two-time champion and all, but nothing negates greatness faster than bitch tits. Have you see him lately? I keep reading draft articles about what he might do at #1, and I'm reading his quotes and nodding at the screen, but then halfway down they show him standing on the practice field looking like Oprah would look if the lock on her fridge broke. A good friend of mine once said, "you can't be a red neck with a shirt on." Which is amazing, but I'd also like to add "you can't be a genius with bitch tits." Thank you.

Underrated Day 5: Random Shit

Underrated Opportunity to Have an Honest Discussion With Your Girl About How Inherently Crazy Woman Are:
Sex and the City. Pick an episode, any episode. Let me preface this by saying two things 1) it’s a great show, it really is, if your girl forces you to watch something, this is the one to watch, and 2) Carrie Bradshaw is an absolutely unredeemable character, selfish, self-centered, neurotic, needy, conniving, malicious, she is a cunt with a capital CUNT. However, her cuntiness does give us the opportunity to say things like, “do you see?! Do you see how crazy that is?!” Now, what long-term effect will pointing out Carrie’s cunty moves ultimately have? None, none whatsoever, but it’s still nice to feel like you’re actually accomplishing something. Kind of like when you think “don’t talk to me, homeless person, don’t talk to me, homeless person,” and then when he doesn’t, feeling like you have telepathy for a few minutes. That’s pretty cool.


Underrated Asshole Move People Pull at the Gym:
Filling their water bottle at the drinking fountain while a whole line of people wait. Fuck you, lady! Step aside and let me get a drink! It takes two fucking seconds. We all know you’re going to polish off the rest of that Angel’s Food Cake, read Cosmo and cry yourself to sleep tonight anyway, get the fuck out of the way and start now!


Underrated Racial Slur:
Not our department actually. You’ll have to ask our redneck friends at Your Immoral Compass for that one.


Underrated Facial Expression:
The smirk. It’s so versatile; no facial expression could have so many possible interpretations. “I’m gonna fuck your brains out.” “I hate your fucking guts.” “I really like the way these jeans fit.” “Keep talking, shit head, you’re getting dumber by the fucking second.” “You know what? I think I like New York, I could live here.”

Big fan of the smirk. And while we’re praising the smirk, hats off to Pierce Brosnan, the preeminent smirker of his generation.


Underrated aspect of the MP3 Player revolution:
Being able to ignore people in public because you have headphones on. This has changed my whole life. Homeless people, old co-workers shouting your name from across the street, activists, small children drowning in a fountain – it doesn’t matter, you can just keep on walking.


Underrated Part About Having a Blog:
Sure it’s fun to rant, to have a forum for voicing all of the weird thoughts that pop up through out the day. But you know what a blog is really about? The people. New friends, old friends, friends you’d never knew you’d make and friends you never knew you had. Having this blog has opened me up to a totally undiscovered world of cool sites, great content and fantastic people. Can we all blog hug?


Underrated Sarcastic Statement:
The one right above this one. I mean, fuck you and your blogs. Seriously.

Except you, Tell Him Fred, you guys are pretty bad ass.


Underrated Part About the Above Statement Written About the Statement Above It:
The patented “Buddy, come on” IM I’m going to get from Magglio in about fifteen minutes. The kind of IM where you can actually hear his labia rubbing against his vaginal wall making a soft whining sound like a wet violin.

And with that, Underrated Week at A&M comes to a close. Magglio, you may now return to the Giants and The Hills and I'll go back to making nonsensical offensive statements just for the hell of it. You know what I'll remember most about our first foray into theme week? The laughter. The sound of all the children guffawing in unison like the soft chirp of a dog from the future running and his metal balls sparking together. Ahhhh...that's nice.

Until next time.