Today's Apples and Moustaches

Apple
This Sunday is Bay 2 Breakers. For those of you who know what this is, then you know the madness that is about to ensue. For those of you that don’t, let me see if I can provide some insight using only 10 words. San Fancisco, Walk/Run/Race, Booze, Nudity, Floats, Costumes, Peeing in Public, TahoeSanta, One-of-a-kind, best day of the year. Yep, that about sums it up. Choosing the right outfit is critical. I’m deciding between head-to-toe spandex, a full Giants uniform or dressing as Dora the Explorer. And Tahoe, I am more excited to see you than the sloppy bitches on Biggest Loser when they finally give into their temptations and decide to actually eat the Twinkie. You’re my Twinkie Tahoe. And I will eat you whole.


Moustache
I can’t wait for Casey Blake to get a big fat fucking fastball in his pussy. After hitting a game-tying home run off of Brian Wilson in the 12th inning Sunday, Blake got back to the dugout and mocked the hand gesture Wilson does after completing a save. Of course the gesture he makes is a tribute to God and to Wilson’s late father. Whoops. Casey Blake has a 99mph fastball to the jaw in his future. Which brings me to my next point. Have I ever been such a fan of an outright, holy rolling, Jesus humping athlete? Usually I roll my eyes and am immediately turned off when an athlete drops the JC bomb, but Wilson is different. He doesn’t preach. His faith is blatant but he’s not all up in my business about it. And you know what? He’s a fucking lunatic. Mohawk, tattoos, straight talk, no bullshit. I like this guy. He’s exactly what we need as a save man. He may have even cracked my top 5 favorite Giants on this year’s squad.


Apple
You know who's hot? Leighton Meester. And since we no longer post pictures of hot chicks I’ll just have to link to them here. (On a side note…why are you putting up with this? Look, I can’t say anything because I’m “affiliated” with the site. But you can. You’re the reader. Power to the people. Nobody reading this wants to look at Brian Wilson’s dumb face. Start a mutiny! Riot. Break things! Send letters to your local elected officials! Bring back the sweet tits on A&M!)


Moustache
Just an observation. Whenever you see a chick bring her purse with her into the bathroom it means she’s about to get up in it. It’s the equivalent of seeing a guy walking into the bathroom with some wet wipes and the Lifestyle section of the newspaper.


Apple
In case you haven’t noticed, our friend Jericho is ridiculously ridiculous in his ability to predict box office numbers. The only problem is there’s nothing to do with this talent. We can’t make millions from his knowledge. We can’t go on a game show and have him take home the grand prize. Hell, it’s even difficult to work the info into a cocktail party conversation…”You know, I have an inkling Wolverine will make roughly 70% less than it did opening weekend.” See? Not that cool. Well, I guess it’s just our little secret then. I know I’m not alone when I say I definitely want him to continue predicting box office numbers and giving us his thoughts/insights. But the first reader who can figure out a way to monetize Jericho’s freakish talent wins a lap dance from Caity.



III

I had Sex With It…

Box Office Results for 5/8/2009

1.
Star Trek
Prediction: $77 million
Actual: $79 million (this includes $4 million from Thursday night shows, which I’m including)

2.
Wolverine
Prediction: $30 million
Actual: $26 million

- As Red said to Andy when he learned the full extent of his money laundering schemes, “did I say you were good? Shit, you’re a Rembrandt.” Yes, Red, yes I am.

- I think the title of this post says it all, but I think it’s worth noting that the Box Office showed up at my house this morning asking for abortion money.

- I think the Star Trek wagon keeps rolling, I bet it averages close to $5m a day this week and puts up another $45-50 weekend next week – putting it right around $150m after 10 days – a phenomenal opening for a movie we had questions about a few days ago.

- Not to be a gasteroid from the Planet Leakycokcle, but the film vastly underperformed overseas with only $35m. My overall prediction of $525 overall was based on very, very strong international numbers, unless we can complete the Overbunder Canal in under 10 Parsecs I could be in trouble with that one.

- Wow, Wolverine sure faded quickly huh? I predicted the film to drop 65% - it dropped 70% to $26m. However, it’s made $129 here and $254m worldwide – with a price tag of $150, this should still make a nice little profit – anytime you drop in the 70s though, that’s a big number.


JR

And The Nerds Came in Droves…

Box Office Prediction for 5/8/2009

1.
Star Trek
Estimate: $77 million

2.
Wolverine
Estimate: $30 million


- Star Trek is a tough one to predict. On one hand, does any one outside of the Trek fraternity really want to see a movie about the series’ origins? On the other, it’s big, it’s loud, it’s summer, it’s got the Leonardo DiCaprio of nerds J.J. Abrams at the helm – this could be one of those movies that tips the scales into the mainstream. Earlier in the week, I had the movie opening in the $50-60 range, but the reviews are through the roof, the buzz is strong, which I think will push this into the $70-80 slot. However, neither $55 nor $105 would surprise me with this one, so let’s call it $77 to be safe.


- I think Wolverine takes an absolutely meteoric drop – slipping 65% to $30 million. You figure that the audience for this one was pre-built and went on opening weekend – but the reviews aren’t good enough to pull in repeat viewers and or people not familiar with the franchise. Still though, with another $20 million this week, $30 or so over the weekend and about $80 so far overseas, the movie should be on target for right around $400m overall – plenty of dough to make a profit and ensure a horrible sequel (which would be a sequel to a prequel or presequel or if you will)


JR

Today's Apples and Moustaches

Apple
You know what term I don’t get? “Sleep like a baby.” What does that mean? I don’t have kids and haven’t had a tit in my mouth since 7am. Do babies rest peacefully? Doesn’t it seem like they’d be up all night crying and shit? I can’t for the life of me figure this one out. After a tough work-out somebody told me “you’ll sleep like a baby.” I was up all night trying to figure out what that meant.


Moustache
Let’s be serious for a second. Is anyone actually going to watch Star Trek? Am I missing something here? If you’re 50+ years old, or if you’re a frequent masturbator of Japanese anime (not that there’s anything wrong with that) or if you’re a complete turtle humper, then sure…go see Star Trek. But for the rest of us isn’t this just recycling the same old shit? Take it from me. The guy whose best friend loves movies so much that he predicts box office results for months and months out. Let me set the record straight. I can’t stand movies like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Gladiator, Braveheart, etc, etc. Fuck Star Trek. And anyone who goes and sees it.

Apple
Can you feel that strong breeze coming out of The City right now? That’s a collective sigh coming from the Giants’ front office being thankful we didn’t sign Manny Ramirez. Could you imagine if this happened with Manny as a Giant? It would cripple our city, our team, our fans. I think the Giants should send a press release saying the reason they didn’t pursue Manny more aggressively is because they had a feeling he was juicing. Haha. Oh by the way, fuck you Boston. Your titles are tainted. CHEATERS!


Moustache
A couple nights ago Jericho called me and said “you watching the game?” The Giants had already played a day game so I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was talking about the NBA playoffs. “No chance. Wake me when it means something,” I said. I was wrong. I am admitting that now. I caught the 2nd half of the Lakers/Rockets last night and boy was I wrong. NBA Playoff basketball is about as good as it gets. The level of intensity, competition and athleticism makes my nipples hard. Similar to what happened when I watched this trailer.


Apple
You want to know what confuses me? Milk. I enjoy a cup of coffee or 8 every morning and I like to put a splash of milk in it. You know, just to be crazy. Well, there’s skim milk, 1%, 2% and whole milk. I usually opt for one of the first two since I need to maintain my girlish figure. But today, one of the options was Vitamin D Milk. What the fuck does that mean? D for delicious? D for don’t even think about it fat boy? Can’t we just make 2 versions of milk? One that’s full fat and one that’s for fat people. Who do contact to make this happen?


Moustache
We’re less than 4 months away from Fantasy Football drafts. Oh yeah, it’s time to start preparing. Not by like reading about the NFL or anything. But by making your draft day preparations. For my high school league I think we’re going to be drafting at a friend’s bar in Sacramento. Holla. For my college league…who knows? Usually Jericho and I just call-in from San Francisco to those fuck wads in Seattle and are thankful we don’t have to see their stupid faces. We even wrote about it last year, here. (by the way, read the post. I won the league that year. Yes, I'm gloating. Bang Bang Eddie Royal!)


Apple
Finally, the Tahoe/Caity bone-down is imminent. I just hope/fear I get to watch.





III

Summer Box Office Preview

Here’s a week-by-week preview of the summer box office including US, International and total grosses. I’ve indicated in the total gross section which movies I think will crack the top 100 all time and where I think they’ll rank when all is said and done. I’m not including opening weekend, because I wouldn’t dare rob you of your cherished weekly Box Office predictions. I’ve listed my predicted top 5 at the bottom.

(Also, I’m not including Wolverine in the mix b/c I couldn’t get this done in time; I don’t think it’ll be in the top 5 for the summer anyway, so no harm no foul).

(Also, also, you'll notice that I'm only tracking all time worldwide status - don't worry, I'm not a communist or anything, I just like the big numbers).

May 8
Film: Star Trek
US: $240
International: $285
Total: $525 (#59 All Time)

May 15
Film: Angels and Demons
US: $195
International: $435
Total: $630 (#38 All Time)

May 22
Film: Night at the Museum 2
US: $210
International: $350
Total: $560 (#51 All Time)

May 22
Film: Terminator 4
US: $135
International: $280
Total: $415 (#100 All Time)

May 29
Film: Up
US: $155
International: $220
Total: $375

June 5
Film: Land Of The Lost
US: $115
International: $90
Total: $205

June 12
Film: Taking Of Pelham 123
US: $75
International: $110
Total: $185

June 19
Film: Year One
US: $85
International: $40
Total: $125

June 26
Film: Transformers 2
US: $270
International: $340
Total: $610 (#42 All Time)

July 1
Film: Public Enemies
US: $160
International: $115
Total: $285

July 10
Film: Bruno
US: $115
International: $140
Total: $255

July 15
Film: Harry Potter 6
US: $295
International: $650
Total: $945 (#7 All Time)

July 24
Fuck July 24

July 31
Film: Funny People
US: $130
International: $75
Total: $205

August 7
Film: G.I. Joe
US: $130
International: $85
Total: $215


Jericho’s Top 5 for Summer 2009
1. Harry Potter 6: $945
2. Angels and Demons: $630
3. Transformers 2: $610
4. Night at the Museum 2: $560
5. Star Trek: $525


A few thoughts:
- May has a chance to be the biggest month of all time with 6 major films opening in the same frame. The biggest month in history is July 2007 with more than $1.3 billion (the month saw Transformers, Harry Potter 5 and the Simpsons Movie open, with carry over from Ratatouille, Die Hard 4 and Knocked Up). Considering that 4 of my top 5 open in May, with other films like Terminator and Wolverine also dropping, May has a great shot at being the highest grossing ever.

- If Angels and Demons performs the way it should, then Tom Hanks will pass both Harrison Ford and Eddie Murphy to be the biggest box office star of all time. This movie will be his 15th to make at least $100m, his 10th to make more than $150m and his 6th to make more than $200m. Un fucking believable.

- Do you realize that the top 100 domestic films of all time include 29 films with more than $300m and 89 films with more than $200m? In fact, the lowest grossing movie in the top 100 is Gladiator with $187m – which means that in order to crack the top 100 a film can’t just be a hit, it has to be a massive, massive hit. We’re heading towards a future where every film in the top 100 will be $200m+. To wit, the past three movie years have had an average of 7.5 movies make more than $200m. Which means that mid-way through 2010, the top 100 will be completely full of $200m+ films – isn’t that incredible?


JR

Awesome Town!

Watch this video!

That's it. One measly link today. I'm working on 4 hours of sleep...give me a break. Plus Jericho keeps hyping a movie post he's been working on. Usually when he nerds out like this and takes multiple days to finish a post it turns into either 1) a fantastical diatribe involving a porpoise and a MILF or 2) a dead-on accurate look predicting the upcoming success of summer movies. One or the other. I don't know about you but my palms are sweaty in anticipation.

P.S. Anyone know how to put the video in the post? It'd be a whole lot cooler if you did.



III

Line for Line

Apple
Crusty Republican Arlen Specter announcing he’s switching parties and joining the Democrats is analogous to Anne Heche’s move to the other side of the plate in every conceivable way. An ill-fated, desperate attempt at relevance that no one will care about it in 5 days. After all, if fake lesbians and attention-seeking Republicans have taught us anything, it’s that they all come back to the dick in the end.


Moustache
I just witnessed the following exchange on CNN about Swine Flu:

Blitzer: Dr. Gupta, knowing what we now know about the spread of Swine Flu, is it time to declare a state of total anarchy? In other words, should the citizens of the world start bashing each other’s heads open and feasting on the goo inside?

Gupta: Yes, Wolf, yes they should.


Apple
I was reviewing a list of McConaughey’s work this morning because I wanted to make a snarky joke about how long it’s been since he’s been in a good movie, but you know what? He’s never been in a good movie. EVER.

Basically, his work can be broken down as follows:

Shit Fucking Awful Movies:
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Surfer Dude, Fool's Gold, We Are Marshall, Failure to Launch, Two for the Money, Sahara, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Reign of Fire, Frailty, The Wedding Planner, Edtv, The Newton Boys, Amistad, The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Kinda Good Movies That Get Worse The More You Watch Them:
U-571, Contact, A Time to Kill

Good Movies That He Has A Tiny Part In And Therefore Doesn’t Get Credit For:
Tropic Thunder, Thirteen Conversations About One Thing, Dazed and Confused

Crazy list, huh? Not that I expected to find any diamonds in the rough, but I really had no idea it was that bad. I think we all agree that McConaughey is “A” list, right? Have you ever seen a worse list for an A list star? Say what you will about guys like Keanu or Nicolas Cage, but at least you can find a Point Break or a Raising Arizona on their IMBD pages. The funny thing? McConaughey’s still cool as shit; his movie sure do steam though.


Moustache
Fuck the Kentucky Derby. Fuck anyone who writes more than five words about Brett Favre (including myself). Fuck anyone in the United States wearing a surgical mask. Fuck the Wizard of Oz. Fuck PowerPoint. Fuck the new Star Trek movie. Fuck PDFs, JPGs, TIFFs and multi-purpose printers. Fuck hockey. Fuck the BCS. Fuck the UN, NATO, Chapter 11, Windows 7, Chrysler and Netbooks. Fuck NASA, the CDC and any office building that has a separate bin for composting (yes, we have one). Fuck The Wall Street Journal, The USA Today and The New York Times. Fuck the Lohan girls (seriously, fuck them both and tape it please). Fuck the penis, the vagina and surrogate mothers. Fuck ESPN the magazine, Scott’s Pelt’s glasses and Pedro Gomez or “el vagine” as he’s known on ESPN Deportes. Fuck cactuses, porcupines and Baja Fresh. Fuck business lunches, cab drivers that don’t drive 80 mph at all times and peanut butter. Fuck Prince, The Madison Square Garden, Dr. J and Casio watches. Oh yeah, and fuck this post. I’m out.


JR