Sunday night A&Ms

Apple
I broke my phone, again. No, this is not a joke. I did not make this up like Jericho’s “bad shoulder” when I’m kicking his ass and he can’t take it anymore. I once again proceeded to break my phone. This time however it was not my fault. It was set to vibrate, it was on the edge of the table and whiz! bang! boom! what do you know my phone is in 18 pieces. So apologies if you’ve tried to text/call me over the past week. I’m unreachable. At first I wanted to love not having a phone like some purist hippie who enjoyed having my own time…but fuck that. It sucks.


Moustache
Anyone seen Kath & Kim on NBC? Holy shit. This is a great show. Molly Shannon and Selma Blair are fantastically revolting and their comedic timing is a 10 out of 10. The gay dude from Best in Show is in it as well, and even though he’s good, they don’t need him. The whole show could just be conversations between Kath and Kim and it would work.


Apple
I saw the movie The Duchess on Friday night. Yes, I am totally gay. No, it wasn’t my choice. Yes, I have now seen The Duchess, Sex and the City and The Other Boleyn Girl. Yes, I am embarrassed to have seen all 3 of those. No, I don’t care what you think. Yes, my expectations were low so I actually enjoyed 2 of the 3 movies with Sex and the City being by far the worst. No, I hadn’t told Jericho about seeing any of these movies. Yes, I wish I didn’t just share this with everyone. No, I don’t blame you if you want to stop reading our blog now.


Moustache
I give up in fantasy football. I’m done with it. I hearby retire both of my teams. I didn’t start Aaron Rodgers or Ben Rothlisberger because they were “hurt”. I benched Donald Driver in favor of Matt Jones and Ladanian Tomlinson and Maurice Jones-Drew are quite possibly the biggest pussies in all of America. And that’s coming from a dude who SAW THE DUCHESS THIS WEEKEND! I hate fantasy football. It’s stupid.


Apple
I like the show Mad Men. I can’t figure out why though. It’s dialogue is simple, it’s acting isn’t anything spicy but for some reason it’s a great show. Maybe it’s all about the white space, things that are implied rather than said. I don’t know. I’m not gonna try to figure it out. The main character Draper is crazy though for cheating on his wife. She’s smoking hot. I know that much.


Moustache
I went to the Niners/Pats game with my dad today. 5 quick observations:

1. Matt Cassell might quite possibly be the worst QB in the NFL. He’s terrible.

2. Patriots fans (all Boston fans for that matter) talk funny, are blindly obsessed with their teams and are shockingly friendly. Maybe it’s just how they travel but despite popular belief the Pats fans we saw (and there were TONS of them at the game) were not total white trash cousin humpers.

3. People are idiots. Americans are idiots. From the guys who high-five each other for correctly picking which helmet has the hidden football under it to the morons who boo Mike Nolan during the first quarter when it’s 4th and 6 and the Niners punt team jogs onto the field. An NFL game is a great place to witness why our country is made up of a bunch of rejects.

4. At least half of the people in attendance wore jerseys. Jerseys were everywhere. There were of course the predictable ones; Gore, Willis and the poor suckers wearing Alex Smith. But for pure coolness, I saw a guy in an Ole Miss college jersey of Patrick Willis. Nasty. I also saw some chick in a Ben Coats jersey and randomly, an overweight Mexican guy in a Mark Chumura Packers jersey. Made no sense. But that Willis Ole Miss jersey was something else.

5. JT O’Sullivan is the real deal. He’s like a less endearing Jeff Garcia. He does everything he can to get the job done. Sure, he doesn’t have the rifle arm but he has what the grown-ups like to call “intangibles.” I was impressed with JT O’Sullivan. Now where can I find a UC Davis O’Sullivan jersey? That my friends would take the cake.



*Final note: Tahoe Banta wins for best comment of the month.

And he could play a guitar just like he's ringing a bell

Six Fuck Yous for the Football Season:


1. Fuck You Ben Rothlisberger, you chubby chinned motherfucker. Quit grinning and make a play. Your defense continues to bail you out and you constantly look like you’re about to fall over. Why are you good again? I’m over you Ben Rothlisberger.


2. Fuck You Ladanian Tomlinson. Quit scaring me and every other fantasy owner this season. Your half assed attempts at running the ball for 3 and a half quarters and then breaking a few runs is getting old. Step it up for the whole game. Have you seen your Vizio commercial? You’re unstoppable!!!! Act like it.


3. Fuck You Ty Willingham. You’ve turned my beloved Huskies into the worst team in college football. The team you put together on Saturday against Stanford couldn’t have beat half the high school team’s in the bay area. Your time is up Ty. Pack your bags. Thank you for your service. Enjoy coaching the running backs for the Tukwila Junior Walnuts of the Pop Warner league.


4. Fuck You Al Davis. You’re creepy. And your face looks like its about to melt off. Lane Kiffen has done the best he can with those slap dicks across the bay. If you’re gonna fire him, do it honorably, instead of making him look bad in the process. Remember the 80s? Yeah, neither do we. So leave already. We forgot why anyone cares about you in the first place.


5. Fuck You Brian Griese for doing what you do every season. You show up, put up 400 yards for a few weeks, trick everyone into thinking you’re someone and then duping them into starting you for their fantasy team. Fool me once? Shame on me. Fool me for the 4th year in a row? Oh, that’s crushing me.


6. Fuck you Maurice Jones-Drew for showing up in those lame EA commercials. It’s a veiled way to be cursed and guess what? It’s working! Do what I do when I need a recharge; turn out all the lights, turn on Johnny B. Good real loud, march around the room like you’re the leader of a big old band and do a lot of pelvic thrusts. Oh yeah. I’m feeling better already.



***On a side note, I had the best sports betting weekend of my life. I started Saturday morning with 9 dollars (yes, 9 dollars) and 5 bets later had a small fortune. Check out these picks (and those first 3 aren’t spreads, those are on the money line. Now what’s up):

- North Carolina to beat Miami Fla
- Alabama to beat Georgia
- Parlay Alabama to beat Georgia and the over off 46.5
- The over of 43 in the SD vs. OAK game
- Bears getting -3 on Sunday Night Football.


It almost washed that awful taste of the Washington game out of my mouth. Washington won’t win a game this year. And if they do (see, I can’t bring myself to say ‘we’ anymore) it’ll be so unexpected. Like against Oregon State. Or Cal. Yeah, let’s beat Cal. Those stinky hippies.




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Swim, Madge, swim forever.

Gay? What?

A few whacky links on a whacky Friday:

Wait, Best Buy is buying Napster? How may fucking times do we have to go through this? Napster is like the Pam Anderson of companies – it doesn’t matter how broke she looks, how crazy she acts or how cavernous her honey pot is, there’s always some moron waiting in line to snatch her up. It’s gotten to the point that Tommy Lee should call Best Buy and ask the CEO how his dick tastes.

Watch this video of Megan Fox, but watch it carefully. About 45 seconds in I suffered the world’s first boner induced seizure, or bonzure, if you will. Please tread carefully.


Here’s one of the weirdest stories from one of the weirdest elections in history. Apparently, Palin recently granted the first interview to her traveling press corps. Let me get this straight – she was nominated two months ago, was assigned a group of press to follow her around on each step of the campaign, and she’s just now talking to them? What the fuck? What have those reporters been doing? You have to like Palin’s approach here – she’s running her campaign exactly like Forrest Gump handled his run across America – slowly picking up followers, not saying anything and then finally after 2 years and a big fucking beard she finally opens her mouth. In related news, apparently her first quote to the press was, “I’m pretty tired, think I’ll go home now.”


I found this link to Megan Hauserman’s (the hot, slutty, retardedly dumb blond chick from "I Love Money" and "Rock of Love 2") Playboy pictorial and was shockingly disappointed by the spread. She’s so hot on I Love Money – I mean she wears the fuck out of a bikini – but is actually kind of hideous in these pics. I haven’t been this disappointed by a pictorial since the fourth page of the Amanda Beard spread when they had a jarringly close up shot of her erect penis.


It’s gotten to point that every male between the ages of 14-40 has seen Britney Spears’ vagina. When you stop to think about it’s kind of crazy that we’ve seen the vagina of a incredibly famous, complete stranger (assuming of course that you actually took the time to think about something which is impossible when you can click three buttons and see Britney Spear’s vagina). Anyway, if you are one of the few people who hasn’t seen Britney Spears’ vagina than you’re also one of the few people shocked by the Clay Aiken “Yes, I’m gay” news.

Here’s my favorite part of the Clay Gaiken story – the fact the people are shocked/outraged that he received such a little amount from People to break the story. Huh? The really shocking thing is he got more than a loaf of bread. Honestly, Clay Aiken loving the feeling of fresh chode on his upper lip has been one of the predominant, “I know this and fully believe it and don’t need it to be confirmed because it’s so fucking obvious” stories. It’s right up there with, “Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson are absolutely awful in bed,” “Women actually don’t have orgasms, they’re just making us feel good,” “Nicole Kidman poops out of her eyes” and “Will Smith and Jada Pinket have removable privates and trade off being male and female depending on their mood.”


"Too much, too soon? Too coddled, for too long? Critics say so. Many who know Vince Young and his spiritual journey say the quarterback's state of mind is widely misunderstood."

You’ve go to be fucking kidding me with this shit. A 40 yr old white woman writing an article about the struggles of a 25 yr old black athlete is kind of like me writing an article on Madonna’s menstruation cycle - "has the material girl stopped bleeding for good?"

In fact, that sounds like a good idea; let’s give it a shot.

Has the Material Girl Stopped Bleeding For Good?

“The strains of womanhood are nothing compared to the hood of woman strains.”

I just made that quote up because I wanted to give this article a sense of poignancy and I read in “From Paper to Pulitzer: How to Write Articles That Tug At the Heart Strings of A Heartless World” that quotes are a really great ways to start articles if you want them to have a sense of poignancy.

For years, Madonna has signified, typified and epitomized the new wave of feminism in America. This isn’t woman’s suffrage, or equal pay for equal work, or even “hey, stop making those jokes about women that end in ‘in the kitchen’” – no, this was a different era, a different epoch, a different series of minutes and hours that combine together to form days, weeks and years; or in other words: time.

Yet another word for time is period, and the Period of Madonna may be coming to an end because of Madonna’s Period. Or lack thereof.

There comes a time in every woman’s life where she has to look at her vagina and say, “is that it?” It’s not easy of course, it can be extremely difficult, in fact, just having the flexibility to bend far enough to look your vagina squarely in the eye is enough to cripple most women.

Madonna has contorted her body into more positions than most fuzzy pipe cleaners could ever dream of, she’s handled more sausages than a 300 pound Italian grandmother, she’s been plugged more than something that gets plugged a lot by real plugs and not metaphorical plugs that are really just metaphors for all the penises that Madonna has been plugged by. However, much like the Salmon of the great rivers on this great planet, Madonna is faced with a large river and now has to swim up the current she so gallantly swam down. Swim, Madge, swim forever.

We're against privacy

 

Apple

The most underrated part of personal checks is the memo section. I like to write personal messages when paying the bills. Like “if I could punch you I would” when paying the Comcast cable bill and “Like I have a choice” to PG&E. This is one of those jokes that never really pays off. Like graffiti in a bathroom stall. You just hope somebody somewhere laughs someday.

 

Moustache 

I hate drinking coffee out of a clear mug. It’s degrading. At work we have about 9-10 actual coffee cups. Most of them are from tech companies with made up names and a ghetto graphic as a logo, like “Intermixate.” I love coffee and I want my time to drink it to be perfect. Too weak, not hot enough or a glass mug are the easiest ways to fuck up my morning.

 

 Apple

My favorite text message of the week, courtesy of Jericho:

“I can’t believe that Yankee stadium is no more. (fart noises)”

Moustache

Seeing Tim Lincecum lose last night was tough to watch. Not tough to watch was Buster Posey and Madison Bumgarner sitting front row next to lame duck owner’s representative Peter Magowan during the game. We’re 2 years away, at most, from winning the NL West. And next year we’ll be a serious contender. And if you catch me after a few drinks I’m sure you can talk me into putting money on that one.

 

Apple

Fantasy Fuck Yous: Carson Palmer, Santonio Holmes, Braylon Edwards and Joseph Addai.

 

Moustache

Actual conversation:

KK: Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

Magglio: Yeah

KK: I couldn’t believe all the male nudity.

Magglio: Crazy huh?

KK: I kept thinking it would be over and then it kept going. 

Magglio: Pretty sweet dong huh?

KK: Totally.

Apple

On Tuesday Cold War Kids and TV on the Radio came out with new albums. I’m going back and forth with listening to them. Fantastic stuff. Totally different bands with totally different sounds. Both bands easily in my top 5. Also on Tuesday…it was longtime reader and frequent commenter Sa’s birthday. And last but not least the new GQ came out which raised two very important questions; 1) Is Megan Fox really only 22 years old? and 2) HOW FUCKING DELICIOUS IS MEGAN FOX? September 23^rd was a good day indeed.

Moustache 

The Giants are starting Tim Lincecum on Sunday, the last day of the season, after only 4 days of rest. Horseshit. Why in the world would we risk the franchise on a silly piece of hardware? Who cares about the Cy Young award? The team has nothing to play for right now. I mean, sure it would a cool honor, but we have a future to protect here. I think it’s irresponsible, short sighted and more asinine than Tony Romo in a postgame interview. Lincecum already has thrown the most pitches in the NL. Read that last sentence again. Then punch yourself in the mouth if your name is Bruce Bochy.

 

Apple

Matthew Berrry. Kinda funny? Or just another lame A&M knock off? Yeah, I said it.

 

 

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Cold War Kids

by Jericho....


Cold War Kids is dimly lit bars and girls with low cut jeans and you ask yourself is that a belt or her buttcrack and then you get closer and realize it's her buttcrack and then you take a shot because you're just so fucking happy.




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Mathematically eliminated

I love the San Francisco Giants. I always have. Even through my “I love Don Mattingly and the Yankees” phase of the late 80s. But I am a realistic Giants fan. I checked out months ago in terms of having any real hope for salvaging this season. That said, I did have hope for this season. And I still tune in to watch as much of a Tim Lincecum start as possible. He is the franchise, mind you. My brother on the other hand is different. This kid LOVES the Giants. When we were little if the Giants lost a game (a regular season game!) he would lock himself in his bedroom and not talk to anyone from hours. During the REGULAR season.

Every year we have a phone call before the season begins where we convince ourselves the Giants are good enough to make the Series. Without fail it happens every year. And, to be honest, I believe it at the time. But, at a certain point, I admit defeat. My brother however, does not. He frequently sends me a text or mentions on a call how the Giants are still mathematically not yet elimated. And there was a point a couple weeks ago when we pulled within 8 games and everything was aligning that I thought “hmm, the son-of-a-bitch may be right.” But then we got horse cocked by the Brewers or something and once again I was back to football and the 49ers.

And today, as the Giants are now officially mathematically eliminated, I got this email from my brother that I had to publish.

*******************************

All of the following are true:
The Giants…

1. Are the Only NL West team with a winning record against the NL East at 19-13

2. Are 29-20 in 1 run games

3. Have a winning record vs. the NL West

4. Did not lose a game while playing on turf (partially because they
didn't play anyone on Turf this year)

5. Have won more than twice as many games on grass as the Blue Jays.

6. Have Nate Schierholtz, Pablo Sandoval, Travis Ishikawa and Conor
Gillaspie who are all batting over .300! (The Future!)

7. Have The Great John Bowker.

8. Have the only player in baseball with a first name that’synonymous with a vaginal pubic wig.

9. Have Brad Hennessey who is batting over .600 vs. RHP (Over .800 when he's playing on Grass at night!)

10. Using only the letters from Schierholtz and Molina you can
spell...."Scrotom"

11. Have Bengie Molina whose fielding percentage is .995...

12. Opponents are batting only .137 against Sergio Romo when he's pitching
in an opposing team’s stadium.


Now if that doesn't spell out a successful season I don't know what does.
Go Giants!

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Bless him and his orange and black heart.








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Conversations

Magglio (4:59:51 PM): Want to post something?
Magglio (4:59:52 PM): Together?


Jericho (5:17:05 PM): No.


Magglio (5:17:15 PM): Maybe?


Jericho (5:17:50 PM): shhhhh, “Blue Veins” just came on
Jericho (5:19:10 PM): Could our (Jericho and his Fiancée’s) first dance be to “Blue Veins”?
Jericho (5:19:15 PM): How tuff would that be?


Magglio (5:20:18 PM): wow
Magglio (5:20:21 PM): so tuff
Magglio (5:20:30 PM): What about “You're pretty good looking for a girl?”
Magglio (5:21:07 PM): Metallica’s black album is one of the best albums of all time
Magglio (5:21:09 PM): I don’t even like them but that album is so fucking sweet


Jericho (5:21:29 PM): Fuck Metallica. They're the gayest tough guy band ever
Jericho (5:21:57 PM): Lars is such a chocolate chip cuntie


Magglio (5:23:42 PM): But that album is full proof


Jericho (5:24:33 PM): I don't care. Playing hard rock doesn’t mean you can't be a pussy
Jericho (5:24:48 PM): it's a pussy shield


Magglio (5:26:20 PM): This album was early. Before they were super gay. When James Hetfield still had a totally awesome drinking problem. haven’t you seen Behind the Music?

Jericho (5:27:47 PM): uh oh, Jack's got the big guitar
Jericho (5:27:50 PM): “Death Letter”


Magglio (5:28:54 PM): You know what other album is incredible? The Decembrists. The Crane Wife. The one you burned for me.


Jericho (5:29:03 PM): yes
Jericho (5:29:08 PM): that doesn't get old


Magglio (5:29:34 PM): Makes me want to drink ale and pork my mid-wife


Jericho (5:29:54 PM): That should be on the album
Jericho (5:30:06 PM): It sounds like an unreleased Decembrists track


Magglio: Do you like Arctic Monkeys?


Jericho (5:30:49 PM): I loved their first album, but the more I listen, every song sounds exactly the same
Jericho (5:31:01 PM): You know who I fucking love though?
Jericho (5:31:05 PM): Interpol.
Jericho (5:31:08 PM): they fucking kill


Magglio (5:31:39 PM): Who would you rather? The lead singer of AFI or Sigourney Weaver?


Jericho (5:32:11 PM): let me look up AFI
Jericho (5:32:15 PM): not sure who that is


Magglio (5:32:20 PM): Davey Havoc
Magglio (5:32:24 PM): Wears eyeliner
Magglio (5:32:29 PM): Very androgynous


Jericho (5:32:29 PM): shit


Magglio (5:32:31 PM): Bay Area band


Jericho (5:32:49 PM): Sigourney “Gorillas in the mist? or Sigourney “Aliens 4?”


Magglio (5:33:34 PM): Sigourney in that Beavis and Butthead video
Magglio (5:33:37 PM): 'I've got flowers....'
Magglio (5:33:40 PM): oh wait that’s Cher


Jericho (5:33:58 PM): Sigourney’s a big woman
Jericho (5:34:01 PM): she's like 6'1
Jericho (5:34:12 PM): Weird name though
Jericho (5:34:20 PM): Sigourney
Jericho (5:34:24 PM): Use your elbow Sigourney
Jericho (5:34:27 PM): sounds so weird
Jericho (5:34:31 PM): I guess I go Davey
Jericho (5:41:26 PM): Would you rather be called "two-inch petey" or "the dumbest man in the world, way dumber than a pile of penguin shit"


Magglio (5:42:03 PM): So every time you're introduced it’s one or the other?


Jericho (5:42:08 PM): yes
Jericho (5:42:15 PM): every time
Jericho (5:42:18 PM): every situation
Jericho (5:42:32 PM): “hi, this is two-inch petey”
Jericho (5:42:48 PM): or, "Mr. Sullivan, may I introduce, "the dumbest man in the world, way dumber than a pile of penguin shit"


Magglio (5:43:24 PM): I think I take two-inch petey.


Jericho (5:43:49 PM): I guess that's easier to explain
Jericho (5:43:59 PM): When I was little is used to talk really close...or something. You can't explain yourself out of penguin shit


Magglio (5:45:33 PM): No. No it’s all right there.


Jericho (5:47:43 PM): would you rather only have black beans for every meal for six months
Jericho (5:48:34 PM): or, you can eat whatever you want, no restrictions, but you have to have an enormous portion, and whatever you don't eat gets shoved up your butt by a Swedish boxer brief model named Hans


Magglio (5:50:56 PM): dude that’s a win-win
Magglio (5:51:09 PM): I’d intentionally leave some raviolis behind
Magglio (5:51:11 PM): know what I’m saying?


Jericho (5:52:00 PM): Good point.




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