Thursday, July 14, 2011

It Will Make Sense at the End

By Jericho

- I don't just love food, I honor food. More importantly, I honor the history of food. Our ancestors didn't have supermarkets, ovens, pizza delivery boys. They had farms and they had fire. I honor those traditions. That's why I grow all my own food, cook it by fire and currently have dysentery. Sure, my vegetables taste like dog piss and look like something we feed death-row inmates, but the TRADITION lives. This is how I feel about the British Open. Who fucking cares if they invented the game there, the courses look like fucking shit! The weather is miserable, the players are miserable, it's terrible TV. In a world where courses like Augusta, Pebble and Sawgrass exist, why the fuck do we play a major championship in a fucking wasteland?

- Here's something you may not know about me: when I order a coffee, or a burrito, or hail a cab or ask a concierge where the nearest bathroom is, I like to use my full name and full title. "Yeah, hi, my name is Jericho Perseus Royall, I'm the senior director of saltiness for Apples and Moustaches, I studied English because I hate studying and love weed and amazingly graduated in four years and now I have that job that I just mentioned a few words ago in this sentence right after my name and before I told you what I studied. I'd like a latte please." This is how I feel about doctors wearing their scrubs in public, basically the clothing version of talking about yourself in the third person. We all get it, asshole, you’re a fucking doctor. You went to college for 16 years, make 800k and use the word epidermis in casual conversation. You know what? FUCK YOU. Bunch of pricks. Fuck doctors.

- After doing it for roughly 31 years now, let me tell you something I've learned about walking: it's much more effective with my thumb up my butt. Sure it's a bit awkward when I'm at the park, or ordering a coffee or on the treadmill with an inch and a half of thumb in me. And yes, I do look like a donkey-humping assbag. And yeah, people give me looks that say, "is that guy a retard or a sex offender?" But on the whole, or hole rather, my movements are more fluid and more efficient. This is how I feel about dudes who wear spandex pants. Awesome, you can ride your bike 2 mph faster and you've decreased wind resistance by 13%, but everyone can see your dick, you fucking idiot. Is finishing your run in 39 minutes rather than 42 really worth a thumb up the butt?


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