Apples & Moustaches: Yick

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Yick

Fuck, fuck, double-turtle monkey humper. Fuck. I hate taking the bus. It’s so crowded with breath and condensation and touching and snot and weirdos. It makes my fucking skin crawl. I can’t figure out what’s worse…the drooling guy behind doctor prescribed wrap around sun glasses who keeps reaching his hand out to me like he wants me to touch him, the creepy 40-something woman with long white hair continuously sneezing into her hand, which mind you is protected by what appears to be a white mesh biking glove, or the clean cut dooshbag from the Marina who yells ‘Let her off people’ every time the bus stops. Yeah, we get it asshole. We know how the fucking bus works. As soon as I remove my testicles from this man’s left shoulder, contort my right leg so I can step over the impeccably dressed black guy without stepping on his alligator boots and duck so I don’t inhale a big furry Berkeley armpit from the 22-year old “God is a tree” chick then I can let her off. Man, I hate the fucking bus.

III

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: I saw that bus in the picture at Market and 1st.; March 31, 2009 at 1:17 PM
KB said...: At least it isn't the buses in Vista... people actually die on those buses. No joke.

Also, gross Berkeley armpit.; March 31, 2009 at 8:49 PM

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We are Apples and Moustaches

1. Magglio is the handsome one. Jericho is the angry one.
2. We’re dead on with our Box Office predictions. But we only do those during the summer when there are good movies out. I mean, who gives two shits about ‘27 dresses’. We’re also deadly accurate with our Oscar guesses. A word to the wise; never get into a betting situation with Jericho around Oscar time. Trust me on this.
3. We are West Coast centric. When it’s all said and done we want West Coast sports team to horse fuck East Coast sports teams. It’s just the way it goes. Even if that means rooting for a sissy team like Washington State or the Lakers, we’ll do it. That’s just the kind of guys we are.
4. We post once a day. Sometimes twice a day. And if we’re both too hungover then we’ll just put up pictures of hot chicks to fill the space.
5. Magglio once tried to eat a large Stuffed Crust Pepperoni Pizza from Pizza Hut in one hour. He came up half a piece short. He has no question in his mind if he tried it again he could finish the whole pizza, no problem.
6. Our whole goal is to make each other laugh. That’s it. If you don’t like what you’re reading then fuck off. If you love what you’re reading then spread our link all over the blogosphere so we can quit our stupid day jobs.
7. Magglio loves The Hills, Matt Cain/Tim Lincecum and Soy Lattes. Jericho hates baseball and people who use the word "humorous", loves football, movies and has only 5 friends, admittedly by choice.
8. In their lifetime, Magglio and Jericho have gotten in two sanctioned* fist fights with each other. Each won one of the contests with the loser puking in the back yard.
9. We both support Barrack Obama. However, if John Clayton would have been on the ballot undoubtedly that’s where our vote would have gone.
10. We both consider the NFL Draft Day, our fantasy draft day and the Super Bowl as the greatest days of the year. Without question. Better than our birthdays. And better than Christmas.
*We only had 1 set of gloves but luckily Magglio is a righty and Jericho is a lefty. We also were both wasted when the fights took place. Magglio did knock his ass out though. Bitch.