Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I’m really, really smart and here’s proof

Here’s a few pant-crappingly good ideas for you:

Salad Dressing scale
Much like bananas, Thai food and fake tits, if salad isn’t perfect it’s terrible. Why don’t we have a formalized scale for ordering the amount of salad dressing? You could walk into a steak house in Seattle or Raleigh, order a filet medium rare and you know exactly how it’s coming in both places. We need a 1-5 salad dressing scale that everyone in the world follows – from little salad bars on the corner to fancy restaurants. “Caesar salad, 3, with chicken please.” See how easy that is?

Toilet bowls that glow in the dark
There’s nothing worse than standing in a dark bathroom at 3am having the following conversation with yourself, “do I just aim and hope for the best? Do I sit down like a little bitch? Do I pee in the shower and let it run for a minute before I get in tomorrow?” Let’s make all of these questions disappear with toilet bowls that glow in the dark. Everyone can applaud now.

Put W. back in theaters
Question: Why wasn’t W. well received by critics or audiences?
Answer: We weren’t ready for it.

George W is like a psycho girlfriend – you can’t truly appreciate how crazy she is until you’ve had some time away from her, started dating someone fun and normal and had conversations with yourself like “you know what? It was weird and totally unacceptable when she took a dump on my chest when I ate all the leftovers without asking her first.” I understand why they put the movie out when they did – trying to capitalize on the election and W’s 2% approval rating. Well, we were just to used to George to really appreciate what a fucking knuckle he was / is. I say they put the movie out again to celebrate Barack’s first 100 days with the slogan, “Now that we have a real president let’s take a moment to remember what a fucktard this guy is.”

We all collectively sue ESPN for sexual harassment
Does anyone else feel a little violated when SportsCenter has a “Bio Blast” segment? To those who haven’t been Bio Blasted yet, whenever ESPN provides background information on someone – aka their bio – they refer to the segment as “Bio Blast” - easily the most perverse thing on TV right now. Look, I’m excited about Michael Crabtree, I want to know things about Michael Crabtree, what I don’t want is a Michael Crabtree Bio Blast at 7am. Let the hood rats and baby mamas take his Bio Blasts, I just want to know his high school numbers and vertical leap please. And besides, if Bill Clinton and R. Kelly have taught us anything, when there’s documented evidence of a Bio Blast, the plaintiff always wins. So let’s all grab our stained blue dresses and sue these cunts!

Hollywood offers Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and Anthony Hopkins the same buyout clause that the Packers offered Brett Favre.

If you put together a list of the best actors of all time, Pacino and De Niro would be on every one of them and Hopkins would be on most. However, nowadays, the minute you see their names on a poster you immediately know the movie is going to be terrible. Like “uh oh, I just dropped my keys in the urinal at Candlestick” terrible. I think Hollywood offers them $25 million each to serve in an advisory role – basically they talk other aging actors out of making bad movies. Word is that Indy 5 is in the works, so the sooner we can get these three signed and having lunch with Harrison Ford the better.

Everyone should use this sentence at least once a day, “I wouldn’t want you to think I was only in this for the free cheesesteaks.”
It just works. Your wife / girlfriend, your boss, your clients, the dry cleaner, the fucktards from Comcast, your doctor, your in-laws. The minute someone says thank you or just acknowledges that you’ve done something, you reply with the cheesesteak line.

“Hey, thanks again for bringing my toaster back.”
“No worries, I wouldn’t want you to think I was only in this for the free cheesesteaks.”

“Honey, thanks again for the flowers, they’re beautiful.”
“Of course! I wouldn’t want you to think I was only in this for the free cheesesteaks.”

See what I’m saying? It just works.

Grocery stores invent / implement machines that stack fruit and veggies by readiness.
Honestly, how much of your life is wasted rummaging through avocados trying to find a good one? A month? Three months? Here’s the solution, grocery stores put in machines that stack and sort veggies and fruit by freshness – not only does this save incalculable time, but it also lets us avoid that weird stare down moment when someone arrives at a section the same time you do. You’re both going through the peppers, trying to find the good one first, finally settling on a half-ripe one just so you can make the “fuck you, Glen, I own the fucking pepper section!” look.

One of the big three auto dealers signs a deal with Apple to help design a new line of cars.
The American auto industry is fucked and everyone knows it. There’s only one company that could possible save it: Apple. I know what you’re thinking, “the iCar!” – which is exactly why I’m writing this post and not you, you fucking asstards! No, not the whole car, Apple just designs the dashboard, putting in a complete multi-media system that syncs wirelessly with the rest of your Apple products. Think about it – you can sit at your desk, download music from iTunes and then send it directly to your car stereo. An iPhone app lets you download podcasts right to your car. The list goes on and on. The problem with American cars is that they aren’t cool anymore; they’re big, clunky, slow and old – I think Apple could save them.


P.S. You're welcome.

1 comment:

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