16 hours to kill

San Francisco to New York is roughly a 6 hour flight. New York to Buenos Aires takes another 10 and a half hours. That’s a total of 16.5 hours of me sitting on my fat ass with nothing to do. Except watch movies. FDA, FTC and USDA approved movies deemed socially acceptable for an airplane viewing audience. Meaning no foul language and no chance of a topless scene. It was like Hebrew school all over again. Man I watched some awful movies. Let’s do a quick run down of the movies I suffered through. And yes I watched every single one. What else was I supposed to do?



The Secret Life of Bees
Overview:
A story about dumpy women and their obsession with dusty roads, ugly frocks and the repugnant men in their lives. Similar to the Sarah Palin story.

Positives:
Dakota Fanning. Please let me know when it’s ok to publicly obsess over Dakota Fanning. I understand she’s only 15 but this chick is gonna be bangin’ in a few years.

Negatives:
Everything else. I didn’t actually watch the whole movie. I think Queen Latifah was in it and that big bitch from American Idol. Oh yeah Alicia Keys made an appearance but she’s about as worthless of an actress as Drew Barrymore post age 6.

Torture scale:
9 out of 10. This movie was fucking stupid.


Quantum of Solace
Overview:
A James Bond movie trying to break the record for most pointless car chase (or similar type chases) in the history of film.

Positives:
The theme song written, produced and performed by Jack White. (I think Alicia Keys sings on it too. That bitch has no idea how lucky she is.)

Negatives:
Everything else. Does anyone actually watch these movies? Can we please just stop making James Bond movies? They’re like the Brett Favre or the U2 or the PopTarts of movies. Nobody gives a shit. Your time has passed. Please, just go away.

Torture scale:
4 out of 10. Cool looking cars. Good looking chicks. And let’s be honest, Daniel Craig looks great without a shirt.


The Duchess
Overview:
Kiera Knightly purses her lips and struts around in awkward renaissance fair attire. Similar to those nerds in Golden Gate Park every 3rd Saturday of the month.

Positives:
Feeling the internal moral dilemmas of a woman coming of age in a land of male dominated society. The tension is palatable.

Negatives:
It’s The Duchess for fuck’s sake. If you need me to spell out the negatives of this movie then please stop reading my blog.

Torture scale:
7 out of 10. Stupid movie. Keira Knightly is stupid too.

The Express
Overview:
The story of Ernie Davis, the first black man to win the Heisman Trophy.

Positives:
Football scenes. Cliché football lines everywhere. Dennis Quaid.

Negatives:
Any minute it feels like they’re gonna break into song a la Remember the Titans. At least there’s no Denzel.

Torture scale:
3 out of 10. At least this movie had some balls. Way better than The Polar Express. Anyone remember that one? With the creepy 3D kids?


The Day the Earth Stood Still
Overview:
Aliens invade earth and plan on killing all human beings until Jennifer Connolly (who I want to put my poems inside of*) convinces Keanu Reeves (who plays the alien, no really) that they shouldn’t. No seriously. That’s the plot. That’s the whole fucking story.

Positives:
A gut wrenching performance by Trey Smith, Will and Jada’s 11 year-old shit stain son.

Negatives:
Everything. Worst movie ever. Go back and read the overview. Jennifer Connolly doesn’t even hint at her fun bags let alone whip them out. Remember the good old days? Like the double-sided dildo she dominates in Requiem for a Dream? I sure do.

Torture scale:
15 out of 10. Worst. Movie. Ever.


Slumdog Millionaire
Overview: N/A (we all know this story.) This was actually my second time seeing this movie. I wanted to see how it held up the second time around and frankly my Stephen King book of short stories was getting boring. I know, blasphemous.

Positives:
The little kids are still endearing. The chick is smoking hot when she grows up. The music is catchy and the director’s influence still stands up.

Negatives:
This movie will suck in a year. Trust me on this one. I think Jericho mentioned it earlier. This movie does not age well. The gimmick of the game show wears thin and the story line is just weak. It’s like watching Die Hard today. If Bruce Willis just had a cell phone then the movie would be 3 minutes long.

Torture scale:
3 out of 10. Second time around it’s still interesting to watch. But don’t wait too much longer to see this movie again. It’s gonna suck some serious dick in a few year’s time. Kinda like Dakota.



*Source: Tahoe Banta


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