Thursday, March 26, 2009
A&Ms...make it bounce!
By Magglio and Jericho
Let’s get one thing straight. I want to see the new movie ‘I Love You, Man.’ I think those dudes are funny, especially Jonah Hill. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to plan a man date around it. All these stories I hear about two dudes going out to dinner then to this movie is gayer than two guys on a unicycle. Look, Jericho and I went on man dates before man dates existed, before the term “bromance” existed, and coined the term ‘man salads’ before any one else did. But that doesn’t mean that we’re going to put on our fanciest cocktail dresses, slam some cosmos and giggle on our way to the Sex in the City premiere. Do I make myself clear? Give me some steaks, some whisky and some MNF and then let’s talk man date. Grow a pair gentlemen.
Why do we still print the Phone Book? What a fucking waste of paper, money and time. Printing and distributing the phone book is like offering a movie on VHS, calling a restaurant to make a reservation or jerking off to the lingerie section of the Sears Catalogue. I would walk outside of my house and scream “I need to buy balloons!” before I looked that shit up in the Phone Book.
Is it wrong that I really want to see the Pussycat Dolls naked? Even though I’m totally convinced at least one of them has a dick. Not like a full on dick, but like an oversized WWE Chyna clit-dick. Know what I’m saying?
My new favorite phenomenon is chubby buff guys that wear really tight shirts; because you can’t really tell if they used to be ripped and packed on a few, or used to be el gordo and are shaping up. In other words, is this guy on his way somewhere or did he just leave?
We don’t really discuss religion on A&M and for good reason, but I need to ask for a ruling here. As a quick preface, I was raised in a multi-denominational house, was exposed to a little bit of everything, but don’t really side one way or the other and am generally very unknowledgeable about religion and religious customs. Anyway, my wife and I go to the same Easter function at her aunt’s house every year and got the official invite earlier this week. I was chatting about it with a few people and asked this question, “It’s a little early to send the invite, isn’t it? Was Jesus even dead yet?” The group was patently offended. I don’t get it – he died right? And we celebrate his rebirth on Easter? How was that question offensive?
Just an observation: whenever you see dogs humping how come the chick never seems to be enjoying it? Is it because there wasn’t any foreplay and he was just ramming it home? Or is she not an exhibitionist? This is the question that continues to baffle me.
This time of year always features my favorite mind-numbingly idiotic story: “Team X said they will listen to offers for the #1 pick.” No one wants the #1 pick; too much money and too much pressure to make the right pick. Think of it this way, would you spend half of your life savings to go on five dates with Cameron Diaz? Maybe you like each other, maybe you fall in love, get married and live the rest of your life spending her money and working on your short game. But what are the odds of that? Isn’t it more likely that after the fifth date she stands up with a “if you ever get 500 miles from me again I will have you shot and electrocuted,” as you look around for a US Weekly photographer in the slim hopes that maybe you can parlay this adventure into a stint on Fox’s new reality show “So You Think You Can Dance With a Monkey.” Well, sometimes NFL teams have to dance with a monkey, but no one ever really wants to.