Monday, June 30, 2008
So I’m holding a handful of nuts (that’s what she said) and blindly popping them into my mouth. It’s about 3pm, I’m hungry and some cashews, almonds and peanuts are really hitting the spot. And then outta nowhere. CRACK! What the fuck? A shell. A motherfucking pistachio shell. Who the fuck puts pistachio’s in the mix of nuts? I’m going to answer that for you. The new girl they hired at the front desk. I respect her ambition and thank her for keeping us fat and happy at work (stupid mini Snickers) but maybe we mix the nuts the normal way. Without pistachios. This is what irks me today.
Our new favorite joke, between Jericho and myself, is IMing each other Rick Reily’s latest column on ESPN hoping to get the other guy to click on the link. His articles are always the most schmaltzy, exploitative, cheesy pile of shit ever written. And it just gets worse from there. Seriously, try reading more than 4 sentences without throwing up in your mouth a little. So we hide the link, we rename the descriptor, anything it takes to get the other guy to open the article. Yep. That’s how we pass the time at work.
Ouch. Baron Davis bailed on the final year of his contract and won’t be with the Warriors next season. I don’t get it. Somebody explain this to me. He was guaranteed $17.8M this year. He can’t possibly think he will get more from someone. And if it’s all about the championship that’s not fair either. The Warriors are lining up a solid squad this year. Pick up a big free agent and they could be a serious contender. Oh well. Good times Boom Diddy. Time to usher in the Monta Ellis era.
What is it about using the toilet in a public restroom that makes you always flush before you go? I mean, you’re just gonna mess it up again anyways. Why do we feel the need to make sure our excrement is received in only the cleanest, untainted and pristine toilet water possible? Or is that just me? I’m over sharing again aren’t I?
One of my Fantasy Football leagues is drafting in Vegas this year. The question won’t be who is the most hungover or who lost the most gambling the night before the draft. The real question will be the same as any other year. How long will the draft take? We average about 6-8 hours a draft easily. Last year’s draft took 9 hours. (Armand literally took 45 minutes in the 8th round to pick Greg Jennings. But what was anyone gonna do about it? Armand looks like a cross between Ving Rhames and that big fucker Vin Diesel.) And that was when we were crammed into someone’s living room. So what happens when we’re surrounded with the sins of Vegas? Over/Under is 10.5 hours. Shit. I’m gonna need a lot of dirty magazines.
Sweet. The Bachelorette “the men tell all” episode was tonight. And DeAnna put on a few pounds. But not like a casual few. A hefty handful. I bet a few of those dudes let out a sigh of relief when they saw her. Sure, she can keep it nice and tidy when the cameras are rolling but when the show’s over she doubled down more than a few times at the dessert bar. Why did this make me so happy? I’m not quite sure.
Side note: The ‘tell all’ episode of The Bachelor or Bachelorette show is so stupid. They always play it at the worst time too…one week before the finale. So you have to wait a whole week to see the final episode. It’s the equivalent of the NFL making you watch the punt, pass and kick competition on Super Bowl Sunday and then playing the game the following weekend. And yes, I did just compare the Bachelor with the NFL. Drink it in Simmons.
The Giants got horse cocked tonight. Zito dropped to 3-12. Who cares? We’re still fucking cooler than the Mariners. And Lincecum is making a serious case to start the NL All-Star game. And fuck you Cubs. I hope you’re cursed for another 135 years. Damn I love the Giants.
Damn. New pictures of Jessica Simpson on the beach with Tony Romo. And she’s sporting a teeny tiny bikini. God bless the paparazzi. Check them out here.
Actual: $63 million
Actual: $51 million
Was a little too busy to post predictions last week, but still wanted to do a quick recap and make a few observations on the box office as we wrap up June and head into July.
- Another Pixar movie, another metacritic score in the 90s, another $60+ opening. Just incredible. Pixar is kind of like Radiohead, they’ve been so good for so long that every time they put out an album you think, “Ok, maybe this is the one that will suck.” But it never happens; they hit everything out of the park. What's more, Pixar has officially entered the “Spielberg zone” – when you see a trailer for a movie, if it starts with something to the effect of, “from the mind of Steven Spielberg," you immediately know it’ll be good and want to see it. Think about the way Wall-E was marketed, no dialogue, no story really, just a cute little robot chirping around picking up garbage – and it still opens with $60+. What an amazing brand.
- Wanted opened with a massive, massive $51 – making back 2/3 of its $75 million budget on the first weekend and also registering: the 2nd biggest non #1 opening weekend of all time and the 7th highest opening for an R rated movie. Major numbers from a movie that no one really knew what to make of a few weeks back. Also, all the talk so far this summer has been about Iron Man and Indiana – but how about Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie? With Wanted as well as Dark Knight (Freeman, looking like a sure bet for $250+) and Fuck You Panda (Jolie, currently at $180 and holding strong) – they look like they’ll have the biggest summers for an actor and an actress, crazy, huh? Morgan Freeman has really had an amazing career; do you realize that Wanted and Dark Knight will be his 11th and 12th $100 million films? To put that in perspective, Murphy, Ford and Hanks, the three biggest stars in terms of overall domestic box office, have 13, 11 and 15 $100 million films respectively. In any list of top box office stars of all time, Freeman is right there – crazy.
A couple of things I’m wondering:
- Will Indy eventually top Iron Man for biggest movie of the summer? It looked definite a few weeks ago but Indy is slowing down
- Will Hancock be a bigger hit than Batman?
- Will Batman be the last movie of the summer to cross $150 million? Look at the release schedule post Dark Knight – pretty weak.
- Is Angelina a bigger overall star than Brad? I think the difference between them is pretty negligible, but the Oscar might push the debate in Angelina’s favor…
Marketing / distribution: $115
Total Budget: $300
Worldwide Gross to Date: $713
Net Profit: $413
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
New rule! US Weekly magazines need to be mailed in that protective black plastic that the Penthouse sits in at liquor stores. I’m convinced our mailman is stealing our US Weekly. And it’s bullshit. He’s probably curious about the details of Ruben Studdard’s upcoming nuptials. But I can’t blame him. Who isn’t?
Michael Beasely will never win an NBA championship. And you can quote me on that.
My life used to be in the ad agency world. Now I’ve switched to the client side. This Friday I have a meeting at my old agency to see if they’d be a good fit to do our TV commercials. I imagine this is how Omar Vizquel felt when he returned to Cleveland last night. You think they’ll be expecting the squeeze bunt from me in the 8th to win the game?
We saw ‘Be Kind Rewind’ last night. Great concept for a movie. And Jack Black was perfect to have act out a bunch of different movie roles. But overall it was a terrible movie. It just didn’t know what it wanted to be. A comedy or a drama or a period piece or a feel good story about sticking to your roots. Just a terrible movie. And doesn’t Danny Glover live in San Francisco? I can’t tell if that’s cool or not.
Skip Kevin Love, OJ Mayo, DJ Augustin and Joe Alexander. If I’m in the top 10 I want Eric Gordon. A pure scorer in the mold of Juan Dixon and Stephen Curry. Wait, Dixon was only good in college and Curry is still in college. See? That’s what you get when you listen to my thoughts on the NBA. Bring back illegal defense!
Has anyone seen The Strangers? The fucked up movie with Liv Tyler? You couldn’t pay me to see it. I wouldn’t sleep for a week. I’m just curious if it was as scary as the trailer made it out to be. I’m looking forward to seeing Hancock. I’ll see anything with Will Smith in it. Great theory with movies like Ali and Pursuit of Happiness. Terrible theory for Hitch. I’m willing to risk the $10.50 on this one though.
Anyone seen this article about Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend? Yeah, homeboy is fucked. What aggravates you the most here? The fact that he duped millionaires into thinking he had ties to the Vatican? The fact that he got to slap her biggens around at will or the stupid smile he has in that picture? I’m going with the last one. What a smug son-of-a-bitch.
If video killed the radio star then what happened when the MP3 came along? Why did Candace Cameron marry an NHL all-star, the Olsen twins develop a billion dollar empire and Jodie Sweeden wound up a chubby meth addict? Why, no matter what the temperature, do my balls stick to the side of my leg? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Conor Oberst is at Bottom of the Hill on Saturday August 2nd. Who’s coming with me?
The Love Guru with Mike Myers has bombed at the box office. The biggest debate between Jericho and myself right now is what his reaction might be. Jericho thinks Myers has secluded himself from any human contact and is suicidal. I think he’s got his feet kicked up sipping a double pina colada and laughing every time he’s tricked another person into seeing such a stupid movie. No doubt JT is crying though. But he has Jessica Biel’s breasts to comfort him in his time of humiliation.
Graham going home on the Bachelorette was a fucking travesty. But you know what? He was just being himself. And I respect that. Most dudes on that show absolutely sell out at the drop of a hat. “What’s that Deanna? You like purple-laced napkins too? I was just telling my mother the same thing. How weird.” Graham flat out told this chick “Yup. That’s who I am.” For once a dude decided to be himself.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I went away this weekend. Boy, I tell ya…I went a ways away this weekend. I packed some jeans, my most western looking shirt and my thousand dollar designer cowboy boots and went on a helluva adventure. I went to a dude ranch.
10 observations from my weekend at a dude ranch.
1. I’m not as tough as I think I am. And you know what? You’re not as tough you think you are either. The dudes who worked at this ranch, who wrangled the horses and led the adventure expeditions…these were real cowboys. These guys kill rattlesnakes with their bare hands, chase and catch wild pigs on foot (both witnessed this weekend) and if they need a beer they unleash their 12 foot cocks to go fetch it for them. (not witnessed this weekend...but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.)
2. Everything is quoted in beers. How long will this horse ride last for? About 5 beers. How long before we get back to the lodge? About 2-3 beers. How much longer will this post be? About 1 more beer. But drink quickly.*
3. Sure, I might not be able to drink like I’m 22 anymore (thank God) but when the Maker’s comes out I’ll put the kids to bed. Believe that.
4. Shooting a shotgun is exhilarating. But it leaves a motherfucker of a bruise. It’s one of those bruises that I’m proud of though. I’m not gonna lie, when I was at the bathroom today during work, I lifted my sleeve to check it out again. It kinda looks like the top of Gorbachev’s head.
5. Coors Light is quite possibly the best beer for a dude ranch. It’s the trifecta of beverages. Light, refreshing and super easy to pound. It also blends in perfectly with clothing when you spill it. It’s like the Kate Hudson of beers. You wouldn’t mind having one around all the time.
6. Sunburned lips suck real bad.
7. A rule even I knew…don’t take your BMW to the country. It’s a given…or so I thought. We aren’t in Kansas anymore Dorothy. You’ll be forging rivers (city kid talk) which are actually small streams (country talk) and the BMW just isn’t gonna make it. Our lesbian car (Honda C-RV) however handled like a true champion. The ROI on the lesbian car purchase has definitely been achieved.
8. Not bringing Patch was the right call. Sure, he would have looked adorable with a little red bandana tied around his neck but between the coyotes, the 12-guage target practice and the stomping horses Patch would’ve been in for a rough ride. Plus, they grow ‘em big in the country. The cats on the ranch were easily twice his size.
9. Horseback riding is incredible but be warned. Afterwards your inner crotchel area will hurt real bad for days and days. Not your crotch or your choate per se, but like the inner leg/crotch/balls area. For the sake of argument let’s just stick with inner crotchel.
10. Words you can’t say while at a dude ranch: sparkles, berry, ouch, tickle, bunny rabbit, snickerdoodle or rumpelstilsken. Not that I tried or anything.
*Apples and Moustaches do not condone drinking and driving. However, Apples and Moustaches absolutely condone shot gunning, beer bonging, and flip cup while operating a slip and slide.
**You wanna see where boys become men and men become cowboys? Check out RS- Guest Ranch. Now man up lady boy and click that link!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Pardon me while I dust off the keyboard and stretch the 1s and 2s. It’s been far too long and I apologize. Luckily
But I’m back. Our man date was sweet. Resident dingle berry KK got engaged. The Giants are up and down. Bill Simmons has successfully removed his proverbial floating ribs. I bought a Lotto scratcher and won $25 bucks. My brother moved to
As you know, every morning I read the sports page. It helps get my day moving if you catch my drift. But I haven’t been completely honest with you. It’s not just the sports page. I also can’t really get going without reading Dear Abby. Call it my inner Jewish woman but I have to check in to read the average American’s quandaries and some old bag’s canned responses. I can’t explain it. I’m sure there is a correlation with my mother’s fascination with retelling disturbing real-life stories but that’s for my therapist to figure out. (side note: I don’t have a therapist. But the thought seemed to end better by saying so. I also never won $25 bucks on a Lotto scratcher as I eluded to earlier. I secretly hope that by lying about scratchers it will turn my sports gambling fortunes around. You see, I bet on the Celtics to cover the 4.5 points – killed it – and also bet the under at 191.5. What the fuck? The Celtics almost scored 191 themselves. I got greedy. Never parlay. Start small. Get some confidence. Then blow your load. I’m horrible at sports betting.)
Where was I? Ah yes. Dear Abby. Why do I bring this up today? Well because today the questions and answers were just too much for me to handle. Usually there’s a question about what sort of fountain pen a woman should use when responding to her friend’s son’s 5-year old’s kindergarten graduation brunch invitation. And Abby responds, delicately, appropriately and with a bit of a lesson along the way. It’s the equivalent of calling your mother every morning. But not today. Today was so ridiculous, the questions were so contrived and the responses so dated I had to chime in.
Let the chiming begin.
These are actual questions from today’s paper…with my responses. I hope the folks asking are listening. Because my time is valuable.
Dear Abby: Summer begins today, and many parents are wondering how to keep their children entertained. I have a simple answer: Visit your local Library. Most libraries offer summer programs for kids that not only encourage them to read, but also provide access to wonderful educational opportunities. My children are excited to be part of the library’s summer program, and I am thrilled that they have something to look forward to.
BOOK MOM IN
Dear Book Mom: Dude, wake up and smell the paint fumes. Your kids aren’t thrilled to go the library this summer. They’re thrilled for you to drop them off so little Billy can take whip-its in the parking lot with the older kids and little Suzie can update her Facebook profile with provocative self pics she took in the bathroom. I bet you also think your husband is thrilled when you decide to wear the yellow nightgown instead of the teal nightgown. Actually he’s most thrilled when you’re out running errands so he can pull one off in peace while indulging his sick ear hole fetish online. Enjoy your summer. And K.I.T. – Magglio
Dear Abby: I have two children under the age of 11. When they address adults I have taught them to preface it with “Ms.” or “Mr.” We consider it a form of respect, and although I realize that each parent has her (or his) own take on this, it has begun to bother me when the neighborhood children address us by our firt names. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? WONDERING IN
Dear Ms. Wondering: No, you’re right to make a big deal out of this. You’re also right to make a big deal when one of the children leaves a dish out, has a spot on their t-shirt or doesn’t put their Transformers away. Next time one of those ornery neighborhood kids comes over, try a little dish washing liquid in their morning cereal. That’ll show them. Then when they’re doubled over with the shits ask them to call you daddy. No, mister daddy. Now do you feel like a grown-up? You dumb bitch. – Mr. Magglio
Happy Friday everyone.
Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Prediction: $48 million
Actual: $55 million
Prediction: $29 million
Actual: $30 million
Hulk exceeded my expectations, opening with a very solid $55 domestically and about $85 million worldwide – with a budget of $150 though it’s got a little work to do to make a profit. Ang Lee’s Hulk (Otherwise known as the Hulk movie that the current Hulk movie is pretending never happened) opened with $63 but cooled significantly, finishing with a very pedestrian $132. Will be interesting to see how this movie holds with some big fish coming up in next few weeks…
The Happening opened with a very solid $30 million, earning back half of its production budget in the first frame. The reviews for this movie are HORRIBLE so am dubious of its long-term strength, but with about $50 million worldwide in week 1 should continue M. Night’s track record of profitability.
Will be another fun Friday with Get Smart opening up against the Love Guru, until then…
As Indy inches closer to being in the top 30 all time, let’s recap where everyone stands:
Marketing / distribution: $115
Total Budget: $300
Worldwide Gross to Date: $634
Net Profit: $334
Friday, June 13, 2008
Interesting slate of movies this week: Hulk v. The Happening.
Hulk comes five years after the widely panned Ang Lee / Eric Bana version, do people want to give this franchise another shot? Are there still Hulk fans out there? Is this movie just a weird stopgap between Iron Man and The Dark Knight? How much is Edward Norton being paid for this? I’m dying to hear about his deal, does anyone know of a site where you can track this kind of stuff? Also, is it just me, or is Hulk the most phallic thing of all time? He gets aroused and he gets bigger, isn’t that what a penis does?
The Happening. I have tons and tons of thoughts on this one, so much so that I’m going to bullets for this:
- Three weeks ago, the studio announced it was opening this as an R-rated movie, the first time an M. Night movie hasn’t been PG-13. This could mean a number of things obviously, but my take is that they saw the movie and thought it was absolutely awful, knew they’d never make their money back and decided to pump up the shock value and position the movie as a gory, gruesome Saw-like movie.
- There's this strange conception that all of M Night's movies are colossal failures. However, when you look at the numbers this is totally false. First off, his movies always make money; Lady In the Water was his first movie not have a worldwide net higher than $100 million (yes you read that correctly) Due to a combination of factors, mostly b/c a) his movies are fairly cheap and b) he’s still riding the Sixth Sense wave – M. Night is actually one of the most successful directors of the last ten years. Take a look at this list plotting the worldwide gross of his films vs. production budgets:
Lady In the Water
Budget: $70 million
Worldwide Gross: $72 million
Net: $2 million
Budget: $60 million
Worldwide Gross: $256 million
Net: $196 million
Budget: $72 million
Worldwide Gross: $408 million
Net: $336 million
Budget: $75 million
Worldwide Gross: $248 million
Net: $173 million
The Sixth Sense
Budget: $40 million
Worldwide Gross: $673 million
Net: $633 million
Totals (for 5 movies)
Budget: $317 million
Worldwide Gross: $1.66 billion
Net: $1.3 billion
- $1.3 billion! The fucking guy has made the studios more than a billion dollars since 1999! I remember reading the story about M. Night throwing a tantrum when Disney didn’t like his script for Lady in The Water and demanding out of his deal so he could bring the movie to Warner Bros, and thinking, what a fucking prick this guy is. But look at the numbers, the guy made a billion dollars for Disney and they still don’t trust his value, no wonder he stormed off.
- The thing with M. Night is that more than anything else he’s a victim of his own success. Not only was Sixth Sense a massive, massive hit – over $600 million net! – but it was nominated for a bunch of Oscars and everyone crowned M. Night the new Spielberg. So everything he does is judged by those accolades and that kind of success is nearly impossible to replicate (unless of course you are actually Spielberg who could direct a Cheetos commercial and make $100 million)
- Now, with all that said, I think the Happening looks absolutely awful. Lady in the Water looked horrible and the Village is in my top ten worst movies off all time. However, his name is still good, the R factor will help, and horror movies always seem to open well – The Strangers opened with 20+ a few weeks ago – something that M. Night should easily be able to top. I’m giving him $29 but wouldn't be surprised with high 30s, low 40s
- I know I say this every time he’s in a movie, but are we just supposed to just forget about the Funky Bunch? I mean, are we really supposed to take this guy seriously? I’ll never get this…
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The recent release of Ced Benson and Ced Benson’s dumb face, got me thinking about something: are the Bears the worst drafting team of all time?
In the last 15 years the Bears have whiffed on 9 of their first round picks – and we all know that the Bears don’t just whiff, they piss their pants in public whiff.
Look at this list of massive, massive busts:
1994: John Thierry
1995: Rashan Salaam
1998: Curtis Enis
1999: Cade McNown
2001: David Terrell
2002: Marc Columbo
2003: Michael Haynes & Rex Grossman (peeing and shitting themselves)
2005: Ced The Un-Entertainer
Holy shit, right? Now, there are a few bright spots, Urlacher and Tommie Harris are top 3 at their positions, but including those two on a list that has Salaam, Enis, Terrell and Ced is kind of like buying the Mona Lisa and then drawing a cartoon bubble out of her mouth that says, “I suck gigantic elephant dicks!”
Can anyone top me here? Has a team drafted worse than the Bears in the last 15 years?
Monday, June 9, 2008
Four wins in a row. Five games back in the NL West. Zito picked up his 2nd win of the year. This isn’t your April Giants ladies and sweet dudes. Baseball superstition states that you shouldn’t say anything when your team is rolling like this. But you know what? Fuck it. These moments are few and far between for the Giants so let’s hear it! Huuuuuuuuuum Baby!
Summer is here. Crotches are getting a little swampy, Iced Tea isn’t the gayest thing you can order at Starbucks and sun dresses are aplenty. But watch out. Summer also means great fruit. Peaches, cherries, and plums oh my. But be careful. No more words need to be said. Just tread carefully.
Fuck Boston. Sorry TellHimFred but fuck Boston. Paul Pierce’s wheelchair act was the biggest narcissistic, self masturbation scene since Curt Schilling’s bloody sock. Boston sports have turned into such a cliché. They’re a parody of themselves. Every time Brady connects with Moss, Bill Simmons blows a load. Every time Dice-K pitches out of a jam I half expect NASA to announce they found another star and named it Terry Francona. It’s disgusting. All of it. It's like Heidi and Spencer. Nobody wants to see it anymore.
I’m watching the Bachelorette. You may know this by now. I bet on it. I’ve got Sean this season. Don’t blame me I had the 5th pick in the draft. That’s not my point. This chick Deanna sucks. She’s on a constant power trip and I swear there was a point tonight when all the guys saw how crazy she’d be as a wife and were ready to bow out. But you know what? She’s got a fantastic butt. That makes it worth watching.
Maybe Big Brown just didn’t want to run. He’s an animal for fuck’s sake. Enough of the analysis and speculation. He’s a horse. Ever think of that?
Final thought. Jericho, keep on with your movie stats and predictions. It's fascinating how good you are at that. Too bad it will never come in handy like knowing how to find the area of a circle or how to hot wire a car. But it's pretty cool for our blog. Keep the fire burning.
Fuck You Panda
Estimate: $53 million
Actual: $60 million
Estimate: $36 million
Actual: $38 million
Estimate: $26 million
Actual: $23 million
Estimate: $28 million
Actual: $21 million
Pretty standard stuff. Fuck You and Zohan exceeded expectations, Indy’s 3rd week passed SATC’s 2nd and Sandler had his ninth $30+ opening, just narrowly missing having his 5th $40+.
As Indy inches closer to $600 million worldwide, let’s recap where everyone stands:
Marketing / distribution: $115
Total Budget: $300
Worldwide Gross to Date: $579
Net Profit: $279
Friday, June 6, 2008
Fuck You Panda
Estimate: $53 million
Estimate: $36 million
Wah Wah, Big never understands me he doesn’t listen why doesn’t he talk to me I always ask him questions but he never answers he just sits there with this glazed look on his face but not the good glazed like a doughnut I love doughnuts no his glaze is more like the winter 2001 marc Jacobs line member that one the pinks were so bright I thought that a horse had literally kicked me in the uterus which wouldn’t bother Big at all since he thinks my uterus is just a receptacle for his man spoo he is so selfish like that so one sided so obtuse which really got me thinking was dating the new mud puddle and were we all just walking around with golashes not from the water that comes up but from the tears that drop down was the weather channel the new dating channel?
Estimate: $28 million
Estimate: $26 million
I was hoping that Fuck You and Zohan would be more of a battle so I could write a side-by-side battle royale-type prediction column like I did last week with Indy and Cunts in the Cunty, but unfortunately the reviews settled this one before it started. Fuck You Panda has a metacritic score of 72 – a fairly high number for a stupid kids movie – which means that it’ll be a big hit. Forget how stupid it looks, how unfunny Jack Black suddenly is, when kids movies get good reviews they blow up.
Because his movies don’t perform well overseas I think we tend to underestimate what a massive star Sandler is at the domestic Box Office, particularly in the opening frame – do you realize that, barring any surprises, Zohan will be Sandler’s 9th movie to open with more than $30 million? That is a mind-boggling number. For example, Eddie Murphy is the biggest box office star in terms of total gross – his movies have made over $3.4 billion – yet only 5 of his movies have opened at +30. Tom Hanks is second on the overall list yet only 3 of his movie have opened at 30 or more. Incredible statistic.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
...Nobody (besides J-hoff) commented on my top 10 girls post. What the fuck? I put myself out there. Showing you my top 10 is the equivalent of me showing up at Don Mattingly’s house tomorrow and confessing my 9-year old love for him. I left nothing on the field. That’s the last time I open up to you.
...Ok, I’m sorry. Maybe I was a little rough. I’m not mad. I’m just a little confused. Did you see that picture of Bar Rafaeli? If you didn’t have a strong physical reaction after you saw that picture then you are either a) dead, b) gay or c) not meant to be reading my blog. You heard me.
...Stop me if this sounds familiar…Jerramy Stevens was suspended by Tampa Bay for the first 2 games. Yep, good ol’ Jerramy Stevens. The same jackass who raped a girl in college. The same jackass who crashed his car, while driving drunk, into an old folks home. The same jackass who single handedly lost the Super Bowl for the Seahawks by dropping not 1 but 2 gimmie touchdowns. This guy is a fucking joke. Hey Jerramy, if you’re reading this….suck it.
...I watched more hockey this season then I ever have in my life. Not by choice. I got suckered into watching that crazy Sharks game a few weeks back. Then, I was duped into staying up on the finals between Pittsburgh and Detroit. Despite all of the airtime, I can’t get into it. It’s impossible to see the puck. There are so many shots on goal without any scoring it reminds me of my college days picking up on chicks at the bar. Talk about a cock tease.
...Patch is getting a haircut on Friday. It’s a big point of contention in the house actually. I don’t think he needs it. He looks like a perfect mix between Ringo Starr and a well-frosted cupcake. I see no reason to put an end to that harmonious marriage. Let him be.
...Jericho and I have a man date scheduled for Friday the 13th. This is going to be epic. Details to follow in the coming days, but just know that if there is one thing we do right, it’s man dates. Suits are mandatory. Steaks are a given. And whisky is the drink of choice. I can’t wait. I’m going to powder my balls with the best talcum powder money can buy.
...The delay in announcing Pacman Jones’ return to the NFL is nothing more than creative public relations. The NFL has said Jones can workout with the Cowboys but they won’t make their final decision until September 5th…2 days before their season opener. Well played Commissioner Godell. Mark my words…Pacman gets a pick on opening day in Cleveland. Anyone wanna put money on it?
...I’m excited for the NBA final. There, I said it. If I was allowed to place bets online I’d put plenty on the Lake show getting 2.5 points tomorrow night on the road. A no-brainer in my opinion. And you should listen to me. I was pre-med.
1. The fact that CNN is still referring to McCain and Obama as the “presumptive nominees.” What’s presumptive about it at this point? It's been 74 fucking years! Can we just call it already?! This is like telling your fiance that until you get married she’s your “presumptive wife.” Or eating a gigantic burrito and calling the stomach rumblings your “presumptive diarrhea.”
2. When companies or organizations purposely misspell words in order to make a witty acronym. KICK: Kids In Charge of Kalories. BAAC: Bloggers Against Asinine ‘Cronyms
3. Haylie Duff’s face. Haylie’s Duff’s voice. Haylie Duff’s Haylie Duff. I can’t stand the fact that Haylie Duff is the host of that show where actors are auditioning for the lead role in the Broadway version of Legally Blond. Haylie Duff giving a room full of actors advice on how to act is like Clay Aiken telling a bunch of frat guys what a vagina smells like. Or Michael Jackson reading a bedtime story to children with pants on. Or Patrick Dempsey giving John Mayer "sensitive" lessons. It goes on and on with this one...
4. The fact that Sienna Miller is currently dating a guy named Rhys Ifans when her last boyfriend was Matthew Rhys. First off, how do you say Rhys? Just spell your name Rizz, you fuck. And second, how weird is it to date someone with the same first name as your ex’s last name? That’s almost as weird as when Paris Hilton dated that guy named Paris which redefined narcissism as we know it.
5. The fact that Rick Reilly now writes for espn.com. Look, I like Reilly as much as the next guy, I mean after all, where else can you learn about a Russian gymnast with one leg who overcame being raped and abandoned to face the most challenging obstacle of all: wasted tears. With that said, and I don’t mean to sound callous here, but I’m eating! I have a fifteen-minute break, if I wanted to read about how hard it is to grow up in Russia I’d…actually, fuck that! Fuck you one-legged gymnast! Hop over here so I can bitch slap you, you fucking crooked bunghole!
6. My contacts. Man, contacts really make you wish that inanimate objects had feelings so you could really cut them down. Fuck you, contacts! You’re mama was a ziplock bag! I can see better out of my butt! Cuntacts! Not sure if any of those would work, but man, fuck these things.
Monday, June 2, 2008
It’s not like when Playboy announces its Playmate of the Year. And it’s not like when the newest Girls Gone Wild DVD arrives and you scour the footage to see if you know any of the chicks. And it’s definitely not like when you stumble upon Wild Things playing in HD and you’re home alone. But the yearly announcement of Maxim’s top 100 is definitely something to take note of. Maxim gets credit for being the greatest cock tease magazine of all time. Only Maxim can get you desperately close to a chick’s nude nipple without showing you said nude nipple. And if you ever saw the Christina Aguilera spread then you know that sometimes almost nudity is just as satisfying as full on nudity.
Now I’m not going out of my way to get the Maxim Top 100 issue, but when facing a 2-hour plane flight and nothing else to read I’ll easily drop the $3.95 ($4.95 Canadian) to see what a so called authority considers the best of the best. I was incredibly disappointed. It’s like Brandon Walsh, Zach Morris and Bailey from Party of Five got together to circle jerk after school. This was the most bogus list I’ve ever seen. I’ll spare you their 100 bullshit entries (Number 84 was the big bitch from Ugly Betty and Ashley Olson is 47, no really) and skip right to their top 10.
I’ll repeat. This is Maxim’s Top 10 chicks of 2008.
10. Ashley Tisdale – Bad nose job? Check. Disney channel slut? Yup. Wants so bad to be hot/famous/important? Totally. Well sweatheart…not to us you’re not.
9. Lindsay Lohan – One of the only good calls by Maxim. This bitch is always up to something dirty. And best part of all, despite the nasty coke addiction she still kept those cannons. Play on LiLo, play on.
8. Christina Aguilera – I agree she’s sexy, but top 10 this year? She was pregnant for half the year and she married a guy who looks like Fivel from An American Tail. Give her a place in the 50s but not the top 10.
7. Eva Mendes – I’ll admit it; this chick does nothing for me. My libido aside, isn’t she a lesbian? Who cares. Did anyone see Hitch? What the fuck was that all about? Top 10 Maxim? Really.
6. Elisha Cuthbert – Another lesbian. Haven’t you seen the pics of her with Paris Hilton. Totally hot, but what the fuck? Not top 10 material. What is it 2003?
5. Sarah Michelle Gellar – I literally stopped reading at this point to check a local newspaper. Has she been in anything in the last 8 years? And let’s be honest this bitch is broke. And Maxim gave her a top 5!
4. Eva Longoria Parker – Eh. Sexy if you’re into 5 foot Latina chicks who weigh about 95 lbs. But the 4th hottest chick of 2008?
3. Jessica Biel – Fair call. Maybe ranked a bit high, but still pretty smoking hot. I know Jericho disagrees with me on this one. Have you seen that ass though?
2. Scarlett Johansson – Sure she’s got massive hermans and a raspy voice but she’s a little sloppy don’t you think? And she’s a fucking terrible actress. Not that it matters with this list or anything. But it had to be said. I’m tired of Scarlett Johansson. Who’s with me on this one?
1. Marisa Miller – BORING! Have a cheeseburger for once in your life! Give a blowjob for once in your life! Terrible pick as the #1.
(Finish the beer)
That one hurt a little didn’t it? Now imagine being stuck at 30,000 feet having to stare at Sarah Michelle Geller’s ugly mug while some hack copywriter at Maxim tries to come up with a witty way to rhyme Buffy with Chubby. Well at least I was inspired. I dug deep for this one here. I reviewed this list about 15 times before I felt comfortable with the team, the placement and the cup sizes. Feel free to debate. But make sure nobody’s watching….HEY-O!
Here it is, my Top 10 hottest chicks of 2008.
10. Bar Rafaeli – Any chick Leo is currently dating gets automatic placement in the Top 10. Nobody can argue this rule.
9. Jessica Biel – Best ass. Hands down. Besides my wife’s.
8. Zooey Deschanel – Totally sexy in a hipster, I’m not gonna shower so let’s play hackey sack and bone down in my VW van kinda way. I’m a big fan of this chick.
7. Bill Simmons – He can be such a little bitch sometimes can’t he?
6. Rachel Bilson – Google search her name and GQ and you won’t be disappointed. Or rent the movie The Last Kiss and turn down the sound whenever Zach Braff is on screen. She’s smoking hot.
5. Cameron Diaz – Finish the SAT question. Jessica Biel is to ass as Cameron Diaz is to…if you guessed legs then you guessed correctly.
4. Hayden Panettiere – Yes I feel like a perve for having her on here because she’s only 19…but she is one good looking teenager isn’t she?
3. Lindsay Lohan – She gets major points for her topless spread earlier this year. In my eyes there’s nothing she can do wrong. I love everything about this train wreck.
2. Mila Kunis – See ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ then let’s talk.
1. Megan Fox – No words can describe.
* Thank you to my wife for helping me pick the hottest pics of these chicks. She had some great lines along the way such as "this picture makes her tits look really hot" and "you can't see her ass in this one, find another" and my favorite "that one is gonna make you look like such a pervert". I'm a lucky man indeed.
While we won’t have hard numbers until 4pm or so today, here’s what we know so far:
1. SATC = $55 million (my prediction: $55 million)
2. Indy 4 = $46 million (my prediction: $58 million)
Two things I got wrong:
Indy’s decline in week 2.
I estimated that the fourquel (is that a word? It should be) would drop about 42% and register about $58 million, it looks like it dropped by a much larger margin, roughly 54%, whipping up about $46.
Estimating that Indy would top SATC.
I thought it would be close but that Indy would inch past the four whores, I was wrong. SATC came on strong and pulled in about $10 more. I correctly predicted SATC’s opening (more on that in a second) but whiffed on Indy’s week 2.
Something that I got so ridiculously right that I never want to see anyone questioning me ever again:
$55 million. $55 million! Do you realize that I predicted the exact amount of SATC’s opening?! Are you kidding me? That’s right Anonymous, Anonymous, Only Chick Not Seeing Dumb Slut Movie This Weekend and Mandi, suck it!
Update on Indy’s Quest to make an assload of money:
Last week, I wrote about the groundbreaking deal that Ford, Lucas and Spielberg signed to make Indy 4, here’s the latest update.
Marketing / distribution: $115
Total Budget: $300
Worldwide Gross to Date: $482
Net Profit: $182