Monday, June 23, 2008

Life as a cowboy

I went away this weekend. Boy, I tell ya…I went a ways away this weekend. I packed some jeans, my most western looking shirt and my thousand dollar designer cowboy boots and went on a helluva adventure. I went to a dude ranch.

10 observations from my weekend at a dude ranch.

1. I’m not as tough as I think I am. And you know what? You’re not as tough you think you are either. The dudes who worked at this ranch, who wrangled the horses and led the adventure expeditions…these were real cowboys. These guys kill rattlesnakes with their bare hands, chase and catch wild pigs on foot (both witnessed this weekend) and if they need a beer they unleash their 12 foot cocks to go fetch it for them. (not witnessed this weekend...but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.)

2. Everything is quoted in beers. How long will this horse ride last for? About 5 beers. How long before we get back to the lodge? About 2-3 beers. How much longer will this post be? About 1 more beer. But drink quickly.*

3. Sure, I might not be able to drink like I’m 22 anymore (thank God) but when the Maker’s comes out I’ll put the kids to bed. Believe that.

4. Shooting a shotgun is exhilarating. But it leaves a motherfucker of a bruise. It’s one of those bruises that I’m proud of though. I’m not gonna lie, when I was at the bathroom today during work, I lifted my sleeve to check it out again. It kinda looks like the top of Gorbachev’s head.

5. Coors Light is quite possibly the best beer for a dude ranch. It’s the trifecta of beverages. Light, refreshing and super easy to pound. It also blends in perfectly with clothing when you spill it. It’s like the Kate Hudson of beers. You wouldn’t mind having one around all the time.

6. Sunburned lips suck real bad.

7. A rule even I knew…don’t take your BMW to the country. It’s a given…or so I thought. We aren’t in Kansas anymore Dorothy. You’ll be forging rivers (city kid talk) which are actually small streams (country talk) and the BMW just isn’t gonna make it. Our lesbian car (Honda C-RV) however handled like a true champion. The ROI on the lesbian car purchase has definitely been achieved.

8. Not bringing Patch was the right call. Sure, he would have looked adorable with a little red bandana tied around his neck but between the coyotes, the 12-guage target practice and the stomping horses Patch would’ve been in for a rough ride. Plus, they grow ‘em big in the country. The cats on the ranch were easily twice his size.

9. Horseback riding is incredible but be warned. Afterwards your inner crotchel area will hurt real bad for days and days. Not your crotch or your choate per se, but like the inner leg/crotch/balls area. For the sake of argument let’s just stick with inner crotchel.

10. Words you can’t say while at a dude ranch: sparkles, berry, ouch, tickle, bunny rabbit, snickerdoodle or rumpelstilsken. Not that I tried or anything.

*Apples and Moustaches do not condone drinking and driving. However, Apples and Moustaches absolutely condone shot gunning, beer bonging, and flip cup while operating a slip and slide.

**You wanna see where boys become men and men become cowboys? Check out RS- Guest Ranch. Now man up lady boy and click that link!



Anonymous said...

Geez...I'd forgotten how much of a pussy you are! Thanks for the reminder. As for #4, you're supposed to hold the shotgun tight-like in the shoulder area. Did you wear Patch's red bandana in his stead? Pussy.

Anonymous said...

i was at the buc this weekend on polk. does that count as country?

p.s. great pic

Anonymous said...

did you shoot any pigs? or just target practice? im not allowed to play with guns

Miss L said...

Not to bust your balls after all these months, but your DUDE ranch had a fucking day spa. Nice roughing it. Who'd you go with? The Cowboy from the Village people?


Anonymous said...

I have to come to the defense of this city kid. He shot our biggest guns, and rode the biggest and fastest horses we had. Although lets say he never really felt the need for speed when in the saddle. He handled everything we had to offer out here.
P.S. If these guys are to hard on you bring them out here and we will feed them to he pigs.

Magglio said...

Yeah step off bitches! Or I'll send my homeboys from the c'ntry to set you straight.