Monday, June 2, 2008
It’s not like when Playboy announces its Playmate of the Year. And it’s not like when the newest Girls Gone Wild DVD arrives and you scour the footage to see if you know any of the chicks. And it’s definitely not like when you stumble upon Wild Things playing in HD and you’re home alone. But the yearly announcement of Maxim’s top 100 is definitely something to take note of. Maxim gets credit for being the greatest cock tease magazine of all time. Only Maxim can get you desperately close to a chick’s nude nipple without showing you said nude nipple. And if you ever saw the Christina Aguilera spread then you know that sometimes almost nudity is just as satisfying as full on nudity.
Now I’m not going out of my way to get the Maxim Top 100 issue, but when facing a 2-hour plane flight and nothing else to read I’ll easily drop the $3.95 ($4.95 Canadian) to see what a so called authority considers the best of the best. I was incredibly disappointed. It’s like Brandon Walsh, Zach Morris and Bailey from Party of Five got together to circle jerk after school. This was the most bogus list I’ve ever seen. I’ll spare you their 100 bullshit entries (Number 84 was the big bitch from Ugly Betty and Ashley Olson is 47, no really) and skip right to their top 10.
I’ll repeat. This is Maxim’s Top 10 chicks of 2008.
10. Ashley Tisdale – Bad nose job? Check. Disney channel slut? Yup. Wants so bad to be hot/famous/important? Totally. Well sweatheart…not to us you’re not.
9. Lindsay Lohan – One of the only good calls by Maxim. This bitch is always up to something dirty. And best part of all, despite the nasty coke addiction she still kept those cannons. Play on LiLo, play on.
8. Christina Aguilera – I agree she’s sexy, but top 10 this year? She was pregnant for half the year and she married a guy who looks like Fivel from An American Tail. Give her a place in the 50s but not the top 10.
7. Eva Mendes – I’ll admit it; this chick does nothing for me. My libido aside, isn’t she a lesbian? Who cares. Did anyone see Hitch? What the fuck was that all about? Top 10 Maxim? Really.
6. Elisha Cuthbert – Another lesbian. Haven’t you seen the pics of her with Paris Hilton. Totally hot, but what the fuck? Not top 10 material. What is it 2003?
5. Sarah Michelle Gellar – I literally stopped reading at this point to check a local newspaper. Has she been in anything in the last 8 years? And let’s be honest this bitch is broke. And Maxim gave her a top 5!
4. Eva Longoria Parker – Eh. Sexy if you’re into 5 foot Latina chicks who weigh about 95 lbs. But the 4th hottest chick of 2008?
3. Jessica Biel – Fair call. Maybe ranked a bit high, but still pretty smoking hot. I know Jericho disagrees with me on this one. Have you seen that ass though?
2. Scarlett Johansson – Sure she’s got massive hermans and a raspy voice but she’s a little sloppy don’t you think? And she’s a fucking terrible actress. Not that it matters with this list or anything. But it had to be said. I’m tired of Scarlett Johansson. Who’s with me on this one?
1. Marisa Miller – BORING! Have a cheeseburger for once in your life! Give a blowjob for once in your life! Terrible pick as the #1.
(Finish the beer)
That one hurt a little didn’t it? Now imagine being stuck at 30,000 feet having to stare at Sarah Michelle Geller’s ugly mug while some hack copywriter at Maxim tries to come up with a witty way to rhyme Buffy with Chubby. Well at least I was inspired. I dug deep for this one here. I reviewed this list about 15 times before I felt comfortable with the team, the placement and the cup sizes. Feel free to debate. But make sure nobody’s watching….HEY-O!
Here it is, my Top 10 hottest chicks of 2008.
10. Bar Rafaeli – Any chick Leo is currently dating gets automatic placement in the Top 10. Nobody can argue this rule.
9. Jessica Biel – Best ass. Hands down. Besides my wife’s.
8. Zooey Deschanel – Totally sexy in a hipster, I’m not gonna shower so let’s play hackey sack and bone down in my VW van kinda way. I’m a big fan of this chick.
7. Bill Simmons – He can be such a little bitch sometimes can’t he?
6. Rachel Bilson – Google search her name and GQ and you won’t be disappointed. Or rent the movie The Last Kiss and turn down the sound whenever Zach Braff is on screen. She’s smoking hot.
5. Cameron Diaz – Finish the SAT question. Jessica Biel is to ass as Cameron Diaz is to…if you guessed legs then you guessed correctly.
4. Hayden Panettiere – Yes I feel like a perve for having her on here because she’s only 19…but she is one good looking teenager isn’t she?
3. Lindsay Lohan – She gets major points for her topless spread earlier this year. In my eyes there’s nothing she can do wrong. I love everything about this train wreck.
2. Mila Kunis – See ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ then let’s talk.
1. Megan Fox – No words can describe.
* Thank you to my wife for helping me pick the hottest pics of these chicks. She had some great lines along the way such as "this picture makes her tits look really hot" and "you can't see her ass in this one, find another" and my favorite "that one is gonna make you look like such a pervert". I'm a lucky man indeed.