Fuck, fuck, double-turtle monkey humper. Fuck. I hate taking the bus. It’s so crowded with breath and condensation and touching and snot and weirdos. It makes my fucking skin crawl. I can’t figure out what’s worse…the drooling guy behind doctor prescribed wrap around sun glasses who keeps reaching his hand out to me like he wants me to touch him, the creepy 40-something woman with long white hair continuously sneezing into her hand, which mind you is protected by what appears to be a white mesh biking glove, or the clean cut dooshbag from the Marina who yells ‘Let her off people’ every time the bus stops. Yeah, we get it asshole. We know how the fucking bus works. As soon as I remove my testicles from this man’s left shoulder, contort my right leg so I can step over the impeccably dressed black guy without stepping on his alligator boots and duck so I don’t inhale a big furry Berkeley armpit from the 22-year old “God is a tree” chick then I can let her off. Man, I hate the fucking bus.
March 30, 1602: In a bout of dysentery fueled-rage, William Shakespeare bites his thumb at a young nobleman. Distraught and detested, the young nobleman takes off his glove and waves it threateningly at Shakespeare. Humiliated and emasculated, Shakespeare locks himself in his room and writes the best plays of his career.
March 30, 1973: Dane Cook was born. Through the butt. He was a butt baby.
March 30, 1982: Elton John snorts an 8-inch long rail of cocaine and then drunkenly says the following, “27 years from now I’m going to go on a national tour with Billy Joel and screw him in his butthole every night.”
March 30, 1994: Nic Cage last read a screenplay
March 30, 2000: A young Jericho and Magglio sit outside their upcoming English Lit class feverishly trying to finish a joint before class starts. In the end, they decide the stress isn’t worth it and they head back home while rolling another.
March 30, 2002: The last time Pam Anderson's vagina was a brunette
March 30, 2006: Miles Simon, Khalid El-Amin, Trajon Langdon, Mateen Cleeves, a fifth of Wild Turkey and a loaded revolver ironically gather to watch the Final Four. Nobody says a word.
March 30, 2008: We didn’t write a post. But the next day, on March 31st, we wrote this one
March 30, 2009, 5:05pm: Jericho regrets suggesting this stupid idea in the first place
1. I got the sniffles. I think it’s a combination of travel, no sleep and getting back into work. But I also have a lot of plans starting tonight. The question is, will the whisky completely wipe out my general feeling of shittiness or will it compound the problem?
2. Jericho and I watched the games together last night.We couldn’t stop laughing after realizing that it was Greg Paulus’ last game ever and he’d soon be selling life insurance or real estate or some shit like that. All night we were yelling ‘Paulus Insurance, how can I help you?” Guess you had to be there.
3. A month ago we saw Portugal. The Man perform at Café Du Nord. Two words; fuck yeah. This band is legit. I just bought their new(ish) album too. It turns me on. Like sundresses. Please, check them out.
4. Villanova is scary. They royally fucked Duke last night. Imagine if Nova would’ve actually hit some shots last night. It would have been a 40 point blowout.
5. Dear Kendall – I think you forgot what you’re supposed to do with me. I belong in your tummy, not on the sticky floor of the bar. Love - the 3am shot of Jameson. (Happy Bday Kendall)
Apple Let’s get one thing straight. I want to see the new movie ‘I Love You, Man.’ I think those dudes are funny, especially Jonah Hill. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to plan a man date around it. All these stories I hear about two dudes going out to dinner then to this movie is gayer than two guys on a unicycle. Look, Jericho and I went on man dates before man dates existed, before the term “bromance” existed, and coined the term ‘man salads’ before any one else did. But that doesn’t mean that we’re going to put on our fanciest cocktail dresses, slam some cosmos and giggle on our way to the Sex in the City premiere. Do I make myself clear? Give me some steaks, some whisky and some MNF and then let’s talk man date. Grow a pair gentlemen.
Moustache Why do we still print the Phone Book? What a fucking waste of paper, money and time. Printing and distributing the phone book is like offering a movie on VHS, calling a restaurant to make a reservation or jerking off to the lingerie section of the Sears Catalogue. I would walk outside of my house and scream “I need to buy balloons!” before I looked that shit up in the Phone Book.
Apple Is it wrong that I really want to see the Pussycat Dolls naked? Even though I’m totally convinced at least one of them has a dick. Not like a full on dick, but like an oversized WWE Chyna clit-dick. Know what I’m saying?
Moustache My new favorite phenomenon is chubby buff guys that wear really tight shirts; because you can’t really tell if they used to be ripped and packed on a few, or used to be el gordo and are shaping up. In other words, is this guy on his way somewhere or did he just leave?
Apple We don’t really discuss religion on A&M and for good reason, but I need to ask for a ruling here. As a quick preface, I was raised in a multi-denominational house, was exposed to a little bit of everything, but don’t really side one way or the other and am generally very unknowledgeable about religion and religious customs. Anyway, my wife and I go to the same Easter function at her aunt’s house every year and got the official invite earlier this week. I was chatting about it with a few people and asked this question, “It’s a little early to send the invite, isn’t it? Was Jesus even dead yet?” The group was patently offended. I don’t get it – he died right? And we celebrate his rebirth on Easter? How was that question offensive?
Moustache Just an observation: whenever you see dogs humping how come the chick never seems to be enjoying it? Is it because there wasn’t any foreplay and he was just ramming it home? Or is she not an exhibitionist? This is the question that continues to baffle me.
Apple This time of year always features my favorite mind-numbingly idiotic story: “Team X said they will listen to offers for the #1 pick.” No one wants the #1 pick; too much money and too much pressure to make the right pick. Think of it this way, would you spend half of your life savings to go on five dates with Cameron Diaz? Maybe you like each other, maybe you fall in love, get married and live the rest of your life spending her money and working on your short game. But what are the odds of that? Isn’t it more likely that after the fifth date she stands up with a “if you ever get 500 miles from me again I will have you shot and electrocuted,” as you look around for a US Weekly photographer in the slim hopes that maybe you can parlay this adventure into a stint on Fox’s new reality show “So You Think You Can Dance With a Monkey.” Well, sometimes NFL teams have to dance with a monkey, but no one ever really wants to.
Ah shit. Yours truly has been invited to participate in what the kids are calling a podcast with the brain trusts at NFL Draft Day Countdown. This is a really exclusive podcast and they only invite the smartest and most handsome people in the world to participate. So naturally I was asked to join. It's going down tonight at 6:30pm (that's west coast time sucka. We don't speak east coast. Who do you think we are, ESPN?) If I figured this shit out correctly then you can listen right here on our blog. Or just read their overview and figure it out yourself:
****** "Tune in tonight to check out the latest LIVE episode of NFL Draft Day Countdown- Wednesday evening at 9:30 EST (6:30 PST). We'll cover the latest NFL news, Draft updates including player Pro Days and the latest changes to our Mock Draft and Big Board.
And as always, don't forget to subscribe to our RSS feed at NFLDraftDayCountdown.com for the latest breaking NFL news, Team Draft Needs, and ground breaking articles that bring you inside the NFL Draft War Room.
Don't forget- Tonight 9:30 EST (6:30 PST) call 724-444-7444, enter 41213 for the Caller ID or log-in to TalkShoe.com to join the show chat.
Download past podcasts on iTunes or Talk Shoe- Search: NFL Draft Day Countdown." *******
San Francisco to New York is roughly a 6 hour flight. New York to Buenos Aires takes another 10 and a half hours. That’s a total of 16.5 hours of me sitting on my fat ass with nothing to do. Except watch movies. FDA, FTC and USDA approved movies deemed socially acceptable for an airplane viewing audience. Meaning no foul language and no chance of a topless scene. It was like Hebrew school all over again. Man I watched some awful movies. Let’s do a quick run down of the movies I suffered through. And yes I watched every single one. What else was I supposed to do?
The Secret Life of Bees Overview:
A story about dumpy women and their obsession with dusty roads, ugly frocks and the repugnant men in their lives. Similar to the Sarah Palin story.
Positives:
Dakota Fanning. Please let me know when it’s ok to publicly obsess over Dakota Fanning. I understand she’s only 15 but this chick is gonna be bangin’ in a few years.
Negatives:
Everything else. I didn’t actually watch the whole movie. I think Queen Latifah was in it and that big bitch from American Idol. Oh yeah Alicia Keys made an appearance but she’s about as worthless of an actress as Drew Barrymore post age 6.
Torture scale:
9 out of 10. This movie was fucking stupid.
Quantum of Solace Overview:
A James Bond movie trying to break the record for most pointless car chase (or similar type chases) in the history of film.
Positives:
The theme song written, produced and performed by Jack White. (I think Alicia Keys sings on it too. That bitch has no idea how lucky she is.)
Negatives:
Everything else. Does anyone actually watch these movies? Can we please just stop making James Bond movies? They’re like the Brett Favre or the U2 or the PopTarts of movies. Nobody gives a shit. Your time has passed. Please, just go away.
Torture scale:
4 out of 10. Cool looking cars. Good looking chicks. And let’s be honest, Daniel Craig looks great without a shirt.
The Duchess Overview:
Kiera Knightly purses her lips and struts around in awkward renaissance fair attire. Similar to those nerds in Golden Gate Park every 3rd Saturday of the month.
Positives:
Feeling the internal moral dilemmas of a woman coming of age in a land of male dominated society. The tension is palatable.
Negatives:
It’s The Duchess for fuck’s sake. If you need me to spell out the negatives of this movie then please stop reading my blog.
Torture scale:
7 out of 10. Stupid movie. Keira Knightly is stupid too.
The Express Overview:
The story of Ernie Davis, the first black man to win the Heisman Trophy.
Positives:
Football scenes. Cliché football lines everywhere. Dennis Quaid.
Negatives:
Any minute it feels like they’re gonna break into song a la Remember the Titans. At least there’s no Denzel.
Torture scale:
3 out of 10. At least this movie had some balls. Way better than The Polar Express. Anyone remember that one? With the creepy 3D kids?
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Overview:
Aliens invade earth and plan on killing all human beings until Jennifer Connolly (who I want to put my poems inside of*) convinces Keanu Reeves (who plays the alien, no really) that they shouldn’t. No seriously. That’s the plot. That’s the whole fucking story.
Positives:
A gut wrenching performance by Trey Smith, Will and Jada’s 11 year-old shit stain son.
Negatives:
Everything. Worst movie ever. Go back and read the overview. Jennifer Connolly doesn’t even hint at her fun bags let alone whip them out. Remember the good old days? Like the double-sided dildo she dominates in Requiem for a Dream? I sure do.
Torture scale:
15 out of 10. Worst. Movie. Ever.
Slumdog Millionaire Overview: N/A (we all know this story.) This was actually my second time seeing this movie. I wanted to see how it held up the second time around and frankly my Stephen King book of short stories was getting boring. I know, blasphemous.
Positives:
The little kids are still endearing. The chick is smoking hot when she grows up. The music is catchy and the director’s influence still stands up.
Negatives:
This movie will suck in a year. Trust me on this one. I think Jericho mentioned it earlier. This movie does not age well. The gimmick of the game show wears thin and the story line is just weak. It’s like watching Die Hard today. If Bruce Willis just had a cell phone then the movie would be 3 minutes long.
Torture scale:
3 out of 10. Second time around it’s still interesting to watch. But don’t wait too much longer to see this movie again. It’s gonna suck some serious dick in a few year’s time. Kinda like Dakota.
