Showing posts with label countdown to FWG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label countdown to FWG. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Introducing Fat White Guy


Despite our fake names that make us sound like Latin Chippendale dancers, we are actually just fat white guys. Yep, the secret is out of the bag. So, it is with great pleasure that we share our silly little blog space today with the one and only Fat White Guy or FWG if you're into the whole brevity thing. FWG is a plus sized dude who played D-Line for the UConn Huskies and writes one of the better blogs out there. He provides a unique look at college football from an insider's perspective. He also can eat 3 foot-long Italian BMT's at Subway in one sitting.* He's heading to Austria soon to drink beer, chase foreign women and continue playing football. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing on A&M for the very first time, the Fat White Guy, Rob Lunn.

*FWG has not yet confirmed this. But we're willing to put money on it. All the fixings, including onions and jalapenos, no double meat, light on the spicy mustard. Over/under is 38 minutes. Who wants in on this?


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Allow me to introduce myself. My name is FWG or the Fat White Guy. I played 4 years of college football at the University of Connecticut. 47 consecutive games with 22 starts. I know college football. I have my own blog, THOUGHTS FROM A FAT WHITE GUY in which I break down the world of sports, mostly college football, NFL, and MLB, and also my incredibly hot girlfriend (see below).



But also anything that strikes my fancy, including featured segments like "This Week's Sign of the Apocalpse" and "Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week". But here I am, blogging for Apples and Moustaches.

What an honor. Seriously, what an honor. It’s so intimidating to be in the presence of such great bloggers. (cue “Like a Virgin.”) So when Jericho and Magglio asked me to guest blog for them, first and foremost there were some questions that needed asking. With such "ethnic" sounding names, and living within earshot (cumshot?) of "The Castro," and being "best buddies,"...are you two gay?

The answer was a resounding (and in unison), "No." (Not that there's anything wrong with that). The quick denial means that this topic may still be up for debate. Which brings me to today's guest post.

**Why I don't give a shit that A-Rod Juiced.**

First I don’t know why this is such a huge surprise to everyone. Were you thrown off by his chiseled jaw and Latino swagger? Well apparently that jaw was cut from HGH and not his south of the border genetics. Was he the poster child for all that was good and pure with the sport? I certainly hope not. He’s a New York Yankee for Christ’s sake. It should no longer surprise the American public that athletes are juicing, especially the ones we think are "clean." In the land where bigger is better, and it’s only 40 more cents to "super size it" all of a sudden we want our sports to be free of this self imposed gluttonous madness. I say Juice-on A-Rod! In fact, pass some to your boy (and hetero-life mate) Jeter. A professional athlete’s career is only so long, so call it "maximizing your earning potential." For example, the average career of an NFL Linemen is only 2.5 years. 3 years gets you a pension, and league minimum is under $400,000. If shooting some synthetic testosterone helps these guys make a few extra bucks, or prolongs a career instead of leaving them broke and pension less, then I am all for it.

I'm not saying the next step is passing out syringes to our little leaguers, but we are talking about professionals here. Let them make as much money as possible, by being the very best, in their decidedly short careers. I wouldn't deny a doctor a new tool or medicine that would help him to perform his duty the best. So why are we denying these so called "performance enhancing drugs?" Educate them on the risks, and then turn them free on an endless stream of Winstrol, cream and clear, HGH and whatever else strikes their fancy.

Cause when its over, its over. Take it from someone who knows.



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Monday, February 9, 2009

A champagne hangover



By Magglio and Jericho


Apple
Jericho has been at jury duty the past few days. It's killing me. It means I actually have to do work while I'm at work. He updated me on where things stand with the trial. He said they've started jury deliberations and its come down to 11 saying guilty vs. 1 not guilty. And they need a unanimous decision. (remember OJ?) Unfortunately the 1 voting against the group is a 95-year-old Chinese woman. If there's one thing we've learned while living in San Francisco it's that old Chinese woman are the strongest human beings on the planet. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Forget Barry Bonds, forget Chuck Norris, forget David Blaine or that drag queen who's dating Hugh Hefner's ex chick…I'd take the 95-year-old Chinese woman any day. I guess it'll be some time before Jericho resurfaces.



Moustache
So, Tiger has a daughter named Sam Alexis and a son named Charlie Axel. By doing a few calculations here I'm fairly sure his next kid will either be Joe Ax or Chris X. It's like he's raising an androgynous white trash army over there. Or a bunch of WWE wrestlers.



Apple
At the start of the playoffs the odds for Arizona to win the Super Bowl was set at +5000 meaning if you put down $100 you get $5000 in return. That was at the start of the playoffs. The odds as they stand today puts the Bills, the Texans and the Redskins at +4000 to win the 2010 Super Bowl. What?! How does this make sense? That means 'they' (the sneaky collective sitting behind glass walls and smoking out of corn cob pipes in Vegas) figure the Bills, Texans and Skins have more of a chance to win it all in 2010 then the Cardinals did when the playoffs started this year. That makes no sense. Do they think we're not paying attention? I'm starting a petition. Or burning some bras or something. Who's coming with me?




Moustache
Like everyone else who watched the A-Roid confession on SportsCenter, I was struck by the three following things 1) That sweater? Really? It's one thing to confess to steroid use on national TV, it's another to do it in periwinkle. 2) We all know that steroids make your head bigger, but who knew they made it shinier? He looks like Dora the Explorer's gay brother. 3) Have you ever seen a pair of pinker, plumper lips in your life? Cheater or not I'd totally mouth fuck him.



Apple
Let's get something straight here. If you look and talk like Chris Brown you don't hit Rihanna. You don't raise your voice at Rihanna, you don't look cross at Rihanna, you don't even think ill thoughts about Rihanna. This is the literal equivalent of Pepe La Pew bitch slapping that cat.









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