More...Apples and Moustaches

Apple:
If you’re a regular reader, which we’d assume you are, then you read yesterday how we hyped Baron Davis’ 4^th quarter heroics. Then, if you are an avid Bay Area sports fan, which again we’d assume you are, you watched the Warriors play Boston last night and witnessed Davis end the game at the buzzer with a leaning jumper. What’s my point? I have none. But last night, when the Warriors got the ball with 6 seconds left, there wasn’t a single person on the court, in the arena or watching on TV that didn’t think Baron Davis was taking that final shot. To watch it executed was pure brilliance. I’m telling ya – the Warriors are the best team in the NBA to watch. Now if they can only pull of a trade in the next hour before the deadline to land a big man. That would be something sweet huh?

Moustache:
Top 5 music albums I’m listening to this week:

1. Radiohead – In Rainbows
2. Daft Punk – Alive 2007
3. Elliot Smith – Either/Or
4. Band of Horses – Cease to Begin
5. Hot Chip – Made in the dark

Apple:
Dude – fuck this rain. Seriously. Enough all ready.

Moustache:
One thing they didn’t tell you about being a grown up: cable TV is fucking expensive. I just paid $160 to Comcast this month. For TV and Internet. You’d think I’d get a complimentary reach around for that amount. Nope, just TV and Internet. I think I’m getting hosed. Sure, I have 800 channels, but I only watch like 9 of them. There should be a way to just pay for the channels you want. Like an a la carte selection of shows. Have you ever seen all the crap they put on there? Nobody watches the Motorcross channel or the Fun with Kittens channel.

Side note: The NFL combine starts today. USC leads the invite list with 12 followed closely by Virginia Tech with 11. Cal has 7. Still trying to find a count for Washington. The NFL Network has full coverage if you want to watch at home. I however do not get the NFL Network. It costs more. No really.

Apple:
In case you missed it, Jericho is MIA this week. He’s being a big fat pussy. I just got off the phone with him. He’s at the Moscone Center for some big nerd trade show. He’s the leader of the nerds, so they need him there to orchestrate the nerdiness. Hurry on over cause at 1pm Jericho is conducting a panel called “Making the Light Saber a Reality: A plan for anal masturbation.” Nerd.

Moustache:
You know who has a dumb face? Chad Ford. That’s who.

Apple:
Miss L is a pervert. Sweet.

Moustache:
I can’t tell if this site is cool. I’m leaning towards not really. Actually I just checked it out even more. It’s super creepy. Do not click on the link. I repeat, do not click on the link. This is as creepy as taking a ‘personality test’ on the side of the road and then continuing to get mail in the months to come encouraging you to visit the local Church of Scientology. This is as creepy as the single gay guy who lives below us and has thousands and thousands of framed paintings of children dressed in early 19^th century clothing. Well, not that creepy, but you get the point. You’ve been warned.

Apples and Moustaches - cause the sun came out

Apple:
I’ve always hated watching the NBA during the regular season. It’s just one-on-ones and lackluster effort until the last 5 minutes or so when the ‘star’ player just drives to the lane and hopes for an 'and one' situation. But all that has changed this season with Golden State. Now this is a team I can rally behind. They’re explosive, they’re fast paced and they play as a team. And is there a cooler player in the NBA than Baron Davis? There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that when it comes down to the 4^th quarter, Baron is getting the ball and Baron is going to score. Monta Ellis may actually be the best player on the team and Steven Jackson plays like a fucking maniac. How about a new slogan for this season: “Warriors basketball. Bring it bitch.”

Moustache:
Rumor Mill: The Niners are interested in DeSean Jackson with their 1^st round pick. Here’s a message to the brain trusts at the Niners…what the fuck are you thinking? DeSean Jackson is the most overrated player coming into the draft since Tony Mandarich. This guy is a bust in the making. My prediction? He’s injured and out of football in 2 seasons…tops. Look, I’m not wishing any harm on him, but he’s just not physically strong enough to compete at the NFL level. And word on the street is that DeSean Jackson doesn’t work out. Ever. Hmm. Sounds like a great plan for a prosperous NFL career.

Side note: I’m not sure who the Niners should take with the 29^th pick overall. I’m going to defer to Jericho on this one. For some reason he’s really good at this sort of stuff. Last year all he talked about was how the Niners should pick some stud LB named Patrick Willis. Nuff said. We’ll let Jericho weigh in on this one.

Apple:
Can baseball please get here any quicker? Every year, without fail, my brother calls me and tells me, in earnest, that he thinks we have a shot at winning it all this year. Well you know what? He just called. And I think this year he’s making some sense. I’m reading articles about the Giants like they’re laced with crack cocaine. And not that cheap shit you find on Market and 8^th, I’m talking Union and Fillmore crack….the good stuff. Did you know we have a SS prospect named Brian Bocock? How fucking sweet is that? Look, I may make fun of our lineup and I may laugh when we send Brian Wilson out in the 9^th to seal the deal…but I sure as shit believe in this team and believe they are going to compete for the NL West.

Side note: My friend Brett put together a cool baseball pool this year where you pick which teams will win the division, guess who will win the major awards, who will have big stats, etc. It’s only 20 bucks to enter. And it’s a whole season of fun. Email me if you want in.

Moustache:
Question: Is the strike going to affect TV ratings when shows are back on the air? I find myself happy that I haven’t been glued to the TV as much. Sure, I miss The Office and 30 Rock, but no longer am I rushing to get home on Wednesdays for the Bionic Woman. Damn it! That girl on girl thing they were insinuating was just about to come to fruition. Anyways, as long as Road Rules/Real World is still in tact then who cares what happens to the rest of ‘em. Right?

Apple
Best dunk of the Slam Dunk Contest: The Birthday Cake…by Gerald Green. Look, Dwight Howard is amazingly talented and can jump out of the gym. But he’s also 6’10”. He SHOULD be able to dunk with ease. He’s not Rayne Mahaffey for fuck’s sake. Gerald Green on the other hand showed the most creativity in my opinion. Wow! Dwight Howard put on a cape?! What a zany guy!

Side note: In 2001, when Vince Carter competed, it was hands down the most exciting dunk contest of all time. Better than the Jordan/’Nique showdowns of the 80s. There. I said it. Nothing else has even come close. Get off your high horse Magic.

Sloppy Hoots

We're going to let this picture do the heavy lifting for today. In honor of Lindsay Lohan letting the dogs out we can't really find much else to write/talk about. Lots of different words have been used to describe what she's working with. We keep coming back to 'cans'. Seems appropo. Well, here's to you Lindsay. Thank you for the late Valentine's day present. (Hugh Hefner must be kicking one his blondes right now wondering why he wasn't first to get these.)

Side note: We're figuring the reason she decided to show them now is because likely in 3-5 years she's going to be tucking her Hermans into her waist. Way to seize the moment LiLo. And again, thank you.

Happy Friday

So nice. A long 3-day weekend is ahead, the sun is starting to come out and the Giants haven’t lost a single game yet this season. This is one of those days though. Jericho has mumbled all of 5 words to me. Something about 'so busy', 'work is crazy', 'i'm a grown up now', 'blah blah'. Whatever. Asshole. So enjoy the photo above, and here are 5 thoughts/links/things to leave you with before this glorious weekend begins:

1. Eddie Vedder just announced a very small west coast solo tour. He’s calling it his April Fool’s tour. Rumor has him playing at Zellerbach Hall in Berkeley. Sweet. Tickets will be impossible to get but damn that sounds pretty nice.

2. I have a drinking chess set that I have yet to take out of its box. Anyone out there want to play? Basically, the chess pieces are all shot glasses, you fill them up, and everytime a piece is captured you have to take a shot. I’m thinking this could be a good way to celebrate President’s Day Monday…any takers?

3. The Falcons just unloaded a mess of players including Alge Crumplerstilsken (I won' t stop calling him this until Chris Berman officially adopts it on air...Michael are you still spreading the word?) and Byron Leftwich. Thoughts on where Leftwich is going next season? My money is on the Niners, Redskins or Bears. Sad when a QB falls off so quickly like Leftwich has. Kinda like what happened to Culpepper.

4. And…Happy Anniversary!…It was just 16 years ago today that Jeffery Dahmer was sentenced to fifteen consecutive life terms for the murder of fifteen people. Here’s to you Jeff. I hope you’re spending your days in hell rotting uncomfortably.

5. MTV has just announced it will be hosting the first ever Real World Awards Bash on March 29^th. And you, the faithful viewers at home, have the opportunity to vote. Personally, I think the categories are kinda weak. They should be structured like in High School, with the ‘most likely to’ format. Like, most likely to succeed, most likely to wind up 50 years old and still competing on the Gauntlet. Most likely to marry an NBA player. Most likely to appear in an informercial. Most likely to develop a nasty methamphetamine addiction. And so on. And so forth.

Let's Play Word Association

by Magglio & Jericho
As a friendly reminder, word association is a game we like to play on occassion which is basically top of the head thoughts/reactions on one word triggers. Usually conducted over IM, one of us gives the other person the word to react to. Every word/subject was used this time except for 'dingleberries'. Jericho didn't want to react to that one. Here are our unedited responses.

Jason Kidd
Remember when Jason Kidd was a rookie on the Mavs and he said that the team was about to do a 360? Well, they just did.

The Other Boleyn Girl
How much hotter is Natalie Portman than Scarlett Johansson? With that said and agreed upon, how much more would you rather nail Scarlett?

Croissants
Croissants are kind of like pills and sluts, if they're not really, really bad for you what's the point?

Valentines’ Day
The one day of the year when crappy husbands get to pretend they're good husbands - analogous to McConaughey playing a physicist so he can pretend he can spell.

SF Giants Lineup
A Russ Davis and a Tyoshi Shinjo away from breaking the record of most visible labias on one MLB roster.

A joke, not ours:
A man comes home on Valentine's Day with a duck under his arm.
His wife meets him at the door.
He says "This is the pig I'm fucking".
"That's not a pig, it's a duck," she replies.
"I was talking to the duck."

SI Swimsuit Issue
15 years ago this would have been the most bonerific week of my young life. Now? Please. If I wanted a good dry hump I'd go sit in the park at lunchtime when the weather gets warm.

Or

The SI swimsuit is kind of like my nipples, I really don't need them, but I'm really glad I have them.

Zach Thomas, who has more tackles than any linebacker in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, will be released by the Miami Dolphins, a league source said Thursday afternoon.
Tackles are a crucial but ultimately misleading stat. Where on the field were the tackles made? Why isn't that a stat? Total number of yards gained before the tackle, that would help determine how good the player was. Is he a HOFer? Well, was there ever a time where he was in the top three of his position? No. Will you remember him 20 years from now? No. Does he look like what happens when Brian Urlacher fucks Treat Williams? Yes.

Superdelegates voting against the popular vote
The superdelegate thing makes no sense, it seems incredibly undemocratic - shouldn't the party who got fucked in 2000 by winning the popular vote but losing the election reject a system like this? Isn't this like using cocaine to get cure your cocaine addiction?

Sheryl Crow
When I hear her name it's like bad cramps from dinner the night before. Every now and then it hurts and you have to release a dreadful smell to release the pain. After a few days, and a few messy bathroom adventures, it eventually works itself out. Other than that I love Sheryl Crow.

3 Apples, 2 Moustaches

Apple
You gotta watch who’s buttering your bread these days. It’s a tricky world out there and it’s only getting trickier. With TIVO and DVR becoming more prevalent, advertisers are getting sneakier about product placements. Witness Real World/Road Rules Challenge, they wear Under Armour clothes, they compete for a Zune and they eat all of their meals at the Chili’s Diarrhea Galleria. Ok, I made that last one up. But it’s everywhere. I was just on CNN.com and one of the top stories was about how this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover image was “magic.” I was confused. Until I realized that CNN owns SI. Magic? I’ll be the judge of that.

Moustache
Pitchers and catchers report tomorrow. The Giants will be interesting to watch again because of their pitching. Other than that this team falls pretty flat. Dan Ortmeier, Kevin Frandsen and Nate Schierholtz…sounds like the western regional sales team for First Choice Life Insurance. Nope, folks. That’s your SF Giants. Side note: Barry Zito will have a great year. I am positive of this. He is such a head case and last year was way too much pressure. But now he’s had time to cool off. He’s recognizably not even the best pitcher on this staff. It’s a perfect scenario for Zito. Could this be the first year a SF Giant wins the Cy Young?

Apple
The incessant man-crying on The Biggest Loser has to stop. So does the psycho therapy. We get it. You’re fat. Your parents divorced at an early age. You found solace in food. Boo-hoo. Now shake it off and get back in the gym. I want to see nothing else on this show besides, challenges, temptations, workouts and a breakdown of everything they put into their body. If you’re keeping track at home (which I am) it took 8 episodes before they made any mention of an actual food they’re putting into their body (save the product placements for Quaker Oatmeal, Extra Gum, etc). Last night we were told that a turkey sandwich for lunch with a piece of fruit is a great way to stave off hunger. Thanks. Brilliant insight.

Moustache
Fuck Roger Clemens. If he would’ve just manned up and apologized or said he needed a little dab of HGH to get over a painful injury (who hasn’t) then we would’ve all forgave him and moved on. But no. He’s trying to prove a point and in the end he’s gonna end up looking like a bitch. He’ll never make the Hall of Fame and his name will forever be synonymous with steroid users like Bonds, Sosa and McGuire. Step 1 for Roger, fire your PR guy/advisor. Step 2, stop injecting family members with HGH. Step 3, move the compound to Montana and open up a slaughterhouse like Bo Jackson did. Live off the millions, join the local hunting association and drink with the locals at the pub. Is it a sad way to end your illustrious career? Yes. Is it better than the alternative which is making us all watch you get picked apart in the media culminating in a Sunday Conversation on ESPN with Roy Firestone (remember that guy?) where you break down and say you did it for the love of the game? I think so. Whatever. I hate that I wasted my breath on you today.

Apple
Heidi Montag is smoking hot. There, I said it. Her video? Despicable. Her boyfriend? Such a tool. Her 15 minutes of fame? Almost up. Her next video, also filmed and directed by said d-bag boyfriend? To be released any day now. Anybody who spends 99 cents on her song on iTunes is dumber than Roger Clemens’ disaster control advisor. On a side note, the new season of The Hills is filming now and should start again in the fall. I can’t wait.

Forgive me for I have sinned

Dear Diary,

I went to Vegas last weekend. They weren’t kidding. What happens in Vegas definitely should stay in Vegas. The best way to describe my 36 hours in Sin City would be this: I treated Vegas like I had never been there and like I was never going back. Translation: I went bat shit crazy. Ten observations from a hedonistic weekend:

1. Every chick who works in Vegas dresses like a stripper. It doesn’t matter if it’s a cocktail waitress, the lady at the concierge desk or the person banging on my door at 9am asking if I want my bed made up. I saw your little outfit through the peephole. Sexy little maid, I know what you were up to.

2. Betting the over/under is the most underrated bet in sports. Full credit goes to Jericho who regularly bets over/under lines on Monday Night Football games. I gave it a whirl and spent 2.5 hours Saturday morning doing quick math in my head, chewing through my finger nails and praying shots wouldn’t fall in the Georgia Tech / UCONN game. Though the game was already decided, the last 3 minutes were intense. I wound up winning on the under…one of only a handful of sports bets I would win all weekend.

3. New rule: When in Vegas it is totally acceptable to order the most obnoxious girly drink possible. Not only is this acceptable, it is almost required. We went to The Beatles’ LOVE show at the Mirage on Saturday night. (Side note: Fantastic show. Don’t let the training wheels version from the Grammy’s Sunday sway your thoughts. This was a 2 hour visual mind trip. I highly recommend it.) We decided to grab drinks at the concession stand before the show. EVERYTHING about the drink I ordered was obnoxious. The size, 40oz in a see through cup. The color, bright red. The alcohol, about 6 shots. The price, $20. Needless to say I was comfortably numb for the duration of the performance.

4. I was right. Strippers are way more into chicks then they are into guys. Jericho put it best; “it’s because chicks don’t have a giant boner jabbing into them the whole time.” Well said Jericho, well said.

5. When you arrive on a Friday night, no matter what time it is, you need to treat it like it’s about 7pm. Get settled in your room, change your clothes, have a pre-drink warm-up, go to a good a dinner and then hit the town. Sure, you’ll end up going to bed around 5 or 6am but hell it’s Vegas…what the fuck else are you going to do?

6. Vegas is not a Vegetarian friendly place. I knew this going in. I wasn’t expecting any great food options, but there were at least 3 restaurants where my only option was the fried cheese sticks or the fried tempura. My fault, I know, my fault.

7. Spotted Frank Thomas at about 3am at a ‘club’. He’s fucking gigantic. One of the larger humans I’ve ever seen. I am positive he could have played professional football and started at the offensive or defensive tackle position.

8. The guy who stands in the bathroom to hand you a towel after you’ve washed up is so prevalent in Vegas they must have their own union. It was shocking. I went to a bathroom that was seriously no bigger than 4 feet square and of course there was a guy in there, casually hanging out, offering me Tic-Tacs after I had done my business. It’s incredible. What a shitty job. Pun intended.

9. Quick hits: Fuck Cal for getting blown out by Oregon at home. Fuck Georgetown for losing at Louisville and fuck Stanford for only beating Oregon State by 15. And while we’re at it, fuck the pro-bowl. Anyone who watched the game, let alone bet on it, is a fucking idiot.

10. Two bets I made I thought you all should know about: 1) Jacksonville to win the 2009 Super Bowl at 15 to 1 odds. 2) Arizona Diamondbacks to win the 2009 World Series at 20 to 1 odds. But hey, what do I know?

So Diary, it was a rousing good time all around. I will never stay on the strip again, the Hard Rock was perfect. We left Vegas at the perfect time and as always I was so glad to be home. I just hope what actually happened in Vegas definitely stays in Vegas.

Email if you want to see pictures.
xoxo,
Magglio