A few A&Ms...

Apple
So I’m holding a handful of nuts (that’s what she said) and blindly popping them into my mouth. It’s about 3pm, I’m hungry and some cashews, almonds and peanuts are really hitting the spot. And then outta nowhere. CRACK! What the fuck? A shell. A motherfucking pistachio shell. Who the fuck puts pistachio’s in the mix of nuts? I’m going to answer that for you. The new girl they hired at the front desk. I respect her ambition and thank her for keeping us fat and happy at work (stupid mini Snickers) but maybe we mix the nuts the normal way. Without pistachios. This is what irks me today.


Moustache
Our new favorite joke, between Jericho and myself, is IMing each other Rick Reily’s latest column on ESPN hoping to get the other guy to click on the link. His articles are always the most schmaltzy, exploitative, cheesy pile of shit ever written. And it just gets worse from there. Seriously, try reading more than 4 sentences without throwing up in your mouth a little. So we hide the link, we rename the descriptor, anything it takes to get the other guy to open the article. Yep. That’s how we pass the time at work.


Apple
Ouch. Baron Davis bailed on the final year of his contract and won’t be with the Warriors next season. I don’t get it. Somebody explain this to me. He was guaranteed $17.8M this year. He can’t possibly think he will get more from someone. And if it’s all about the championship that’s not fair either. The Warriors are lining up a solid squad this year. Pick up a big free agent and they could be a serious contender. Oh well. Good times Boom Diddy. Time to usher in the Monta Ellis era.


Moustache
What is it about using the toilet in a public restroom that makes you always flush before you go? I mean, you’re just gonna mess it up again anyways. Why do we feel the need to make sure our excrement is received in only the cleanest, untainted and pristine toilet water possible? Or is that just me? I’m over sharing again aren’t I?


Apple
One of my Fantasy Football leagues is drafting in Vegas this year. The question won’t be who is the most hungover or who lost the most gambling the night before the draft. The real question will be the same as any other year. How long will the draft take? We average about 6-8 hours a draft easily. Last year’s draft took 9 hours. (Armand literally took 45 minutes in the 8th round to pick Greg Jennings. But what was anyone gonna do about it? Armand looks like a cross between Ving Rhames and that big fucker Vin Diesel.) And that was when we were crammed into someone’s living room. So what happens when we’re surrounded with the sins of Vegas? Over/Under is 10.5 hours. Shit. I’m gonna need a lot of dirty magazines.


Moustache
Sweet. The Bachelorette “the men tell all” episode was tonight. And DeAnna put on a few pounds. But not like a casual few. A hefty handful. I bet a few of those dudes let out a sigh of relief when they saw her. Sure, she can keep it nice and tidy when the cameras are rolling but when the show’s over she doubled down more than a few times at the dessert bar. Why did this make me so happy? I’m not quite sure.

Side note: The ‘tell all’ episode of The Bachelor or Bachelorette show is so stupid. They always play it at the worst time too…one week before the finale. So you have to wait a whole week to see the final episode. It’s the equivalent of the NFL making you watch the punt, pass and kick competition on Super Bowl Sunday and then playing the game the following weekend. And yes, I did just compare the Bachelor with the NFL. Drink it in Simmons.


Apple
The Giants got horse cocked tonight. Zito dropped to 3-12. Who cares? We’re still fucking cooler than the Mariners. And Lincecum is making a serious case to start the NL All-Star game. And fuck you Cubs. I hope you’re cursed for another 135 years. Damn I love the Giants.


Moustache
Damn. New pictures of Jessica Simpson on the beach with Tony Romo. And she’s sporting a teeny tiny bikini. God bless the paparazzi. Check them out here.



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