Monday, May 19, 2008

Oh right...8am...

The dream has died. I’m back to work. And in all fairness…thank God. I was starting to go insane. A little structure in my life is a good thing. But let me tell you something…today was a SHOCK to my system. Imagine going more than a month without having to report to any one location, setting your own schedule, answering to no one. Kinda sounds like Ozzy Osbourne’s life doesn’t it?

Here are 9 mildly funny and entirely true observations after my first day of work...

1. This is a grown up job. There are thousands of employees working for this company. I went through hours of orientation which included a 30-minute video on sexual harassment. At my last job, if I went more than 30 minutes without hearing somebody say “horse cock” it was a rarity.

2. Big brother is watching. I got a call from a guy in Houston who wanted to install something on my computer. I said no problem. Within seconds he had taken over my computer remotely and started to move things around, close windows and go deep into my system. What does this mean for Apples & Moustaches? I’m not sure. My days of surfing the web for pics of scantily clad 18-year-old chicks (for your viewing pleasure, of course) may be over.

3. I still got it. Sure I took some time off and didn’t do much to stay in mental business shape…but I still got it. I’m like Michael Phelps. I might not have worn the most aerodynamic Speedo or shaved my legs the morning of…but I sure as shit blew away the competition.

4. There’s a benefit of working for a large company. Many benefits in fact. Free snacks. Free coffee. Discounts to local gyms. Outstanding benefits. And best of all, I’m not commuting. It’s important to note however, the coffee in the “break room” is absolute shit. It tastes like a combination of soil and Kung Pao Chicken. But it got the job done. So I’m not complaining.

5. Taking the bus to work sucks. It’s crowded. It’s hot. It smells bad. And you have to hold on to a railing or a bar, which most likely is covered in various human excrements. Yuck. Plus I could hear some guy on his cell phone going on and on wishing his father a happy birthday. When I finally turned to look at him he was actually speaking into what appeared to be a ham sandwich.

6. It was quiet at work. Eerily quiet. I know I had a good thing going and I know the grass is always greener on the other side…but shit. At my last job there was music blasting non-stop. Today, I found myself transfixed by the sound from the air conditioning.

7. There were moments when I felt like I had my own Miss Patterson from the movie Big. Like I said, this is a grown up job, and I had people helping and doing things for me today. It was kinda surreal.

8. Patch has an outstanding little bladder. I left him at home today. All day long. First time we’ve done that. I got home at 6:30 and as far as I can tell there weren’t any accidents. If it was me I would have peed on the floor at least 3 times. I have the bladder of a 12 year old Vietnamese girl.

9. I was surrounded by some truly unattractive people. Let me be honest. I am a damn handsome man. And this company, as far as I can tell, is a breeding ground for ugliness. I hope it’s not something in the water.


Anonymous said...

Quick tip on the coffee - couple dashes of cinnamon in the cup makes the shittiest coffee drinkable. If you like cinnamon. Our office coffee is pig swill too.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Boston pitchers are fags indeed. Check out Clay Bucholz's gay lover here.

Anonymous said...

You totally wore your aerodynamic Speedo to work today. Don't lie.