Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Guess whose back?

After days in hiding Jericho has resurfaced. Finally. I felt lonelier than Cuba Gooding Jr. after he cashes his check for those Hanes commercials. So what better way to welcome our dear friend Jericho back then with a rousing game of word association? As always, I threw a few thought starters over the table and he returned with what he does best. Enjoy.

CNN is doing a special celebrating the 60th anniversary of Israel...They keep talking about how non-violent Israel has been…Celebrating Israel for being pacifists, is sort of like celebrating Courtney Love for being off-crack. You should write everything in pencil.

Annika Sorensten is retiring…which means either one of three things 1) she's hurt and doesn't want to tell anyone, 2) she's on ‘roids and is about to get caught, so she's cutting and running before they can catch her or 3) she just realized that her and Roger Clemens got invited to the same dinner party and is terrified that someone will figure out they're the same person, which wouldn't be horrible, but she loves railing that 12 yr old country singer.

Iron Man’s success at the box office….I’m flabbergasted by how much money Iron Man has made in its first two weeks. Stunned, flummoxed, astounded, bowled over, bewildered. $175 million through its first ten days! Unreal. I guess we can chalk this up to two things: 1) there’s been absolutely nothing for kids to see in the last five months and they came out in droves, 2) people were just as impressed as I was by that story that Terrence Howard won’t have sex with a woman unless she’s used a baby wipe on her entire downtown, because wiping doesn’t come close to cleaning that area significantly. Are you listening, ladies? The man was nominated for an Oscar once, just ask him, he’ll remind you five times in one sentence. Obviously this is 10,000 12-year-old boys screaming in unison, “we agree with you, Oscar-nominated actor Terrence Howard, women need to clean their vaginas! By the way, what is a vagina anyway?”

Barry Zito celebrated his 30th birthday yesterday…Look, I don’t know anything about baseball and don’t care to. It’s a boring, ultimately meaningless sport that corrupted itself for a few million dollars and now is living in the aftermath, kind of like one of those chicks who tries to break the “fucking 400 guys in an hour” records and then three months later sits down to pee and accidentally engulfs the entire toilet like an enormous vagina sweater. Anyway, I’ve gotten a little interested in the Giants this year. They’re fun to watch, scrappy, almost like a real life Major League (see Magglio’s outstanding post for further details) – except with one major flaw: Barry Zito is such a fucking vagina that he sucks the life out of this team. Even on days when he’s not pitching, he is such a colossal failure that he disheartens everyone around him. He’s like the guy at a bachelor party who just got dumped by his chick, so even when everyone’s yelling and having fun he’s looking straight ahead with a blank expression on his face. To take this one step further, the Giants are Megan Fox and Zito is the Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her forearm. The Giants are young, feisty, feasting on their chance. Zito is a fucking cliché, the overpaid puss hole who sours everything up. Fuck you Zito. Oh, and happy 30th b-day!

Ray Lewis arrived at mini-camp in midseason form last weekend, weighing 255 pounds with 6 percent body fat and biceps large enough to make running backs cringe…This is known as "the annual article about Ray Ray that makes me totally overvalue the Ravens" - this happens to me every year around this time. Three years ago, ESPN ran that special on his off-season workout that included a segment where Ray just stared at the camera for 74 hours. Two years ago, we learned that Ray started swimming, last year he was sleeping 14 hours a night. I don't know what he's doing this year that’s any different than the last three, but there’s a great chance I pick them to go 12-4. Like I do every fucking year. I can't get away from Ray Lewis. At this point I need to grow a mustache get a jean jacket and invite Ray to butt camping in Montana, because I just can’t quit this fucking guy.

The Cavaliers are at Boston tonight with the series tied 2-2…I've watched every minute of this series and let me tell you one thing - other than LBJ's dunk over KG, which was so good I almost punched my girlfriend in the face - this series fucking blows. It's awful. Terrible basketball by both teams. With the Boston guys, yes they've had great careers, but aren't you starting to think there's a reason that neither has won anything before? They just don't make anyone better, they don't play well as a team and no one can really take over when it matters. I'm 100% convinced that even if Boston wins the series they'll lose to DET, a total team in every sense of the word. As for CLE, other than LBJ, if any of these guys got picked to be on my team for a game at the gym, I'd get in my car and go home. Talentless, heartless, fucking horrible. How fucking messy are the finals going to be? LA, Utah, NO or SA would fucking buttfuck anyone in the east coast.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Seriously Mag, "Guess Whose Back?" Weren't you an english major?

Also, Iron Man is a good summer movie. Probably not as good as the new Batman, but still...