Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jericho Says Stuff

Apples are like fake tits; they need to be firm, but not too firm.

Two football phrases that are really stupid when you think about them:

- “Draft X and they’ll be set at X for the next 12 years” – how the fuck do you know that? Injuries, busts, trades, Pacman, way too many variables to tell.
- “X showed up at camp in mid-season form” – by mid-season everyone is beat up, playing hurt and tired as hell – obviously everyone looks their best in pre-season.

Bruce Bowen is such a detestable son of a bitch that I can hardly watch the Spurs play. What a cheap shot fuck that guy is.

Of all my many talents, immediately recognizing celebrity narrators when a commercial starts is by far the most impressive. Literally, I need about ten words and I can nail it. To this day, I’m still the only one on earth who knows that Billy Crudup is the voice on the MasterCard “priceless” commercials.

Quick look at the NFL:

- Team that everyone is talking about a little too much: Vikings
- Team that no one is talking about that made some great moves in the offseason: Pittsburgh-
- Team(s) that made a bunch of moves that will still blow: Jets, Panthers
- Team that is poised to make a major step forward: Saints
- Team that is poised to make a major step back: Cleveland
- Team(s) I have no idea about: Baltimore, Buffalo, Tennessee, St, Louis, Green Bay (tie)

Why is Parcells picking on Jason Taylor? His job is to clean up the team, install a winning attitude and build a solid foundation; don’t you want your best player to be part of that? Who cares if he’s on that stupid show, goes on SportsCenter and talks about his acting career or whatever, he’s still the best player on your team, a guy who always plays hard is always in top shape – I don’t get this at all. Personally, I think the Tuna has jumped the shark here. He’s knocking on the door of Al Davis territory and that is not a good thing.

Incredible stat that was so incredible that when I read it I had to do some background research to make sure it wasn’t a typo: when Phil Jackson wins game 1 of a series he is 40-0. Are you kidding me?

Quick thoughts on upcoming movies:

- Indy will be a massive hit, put me down for at least $850 million worldwide
- I don’t know why, but I think the Sex and the City movie will be a colossal failure, it will have a big opening weekend, $50-60 million, but I just feel like it’s going to be absolutely terrible, will completely taint the series and not be anywhere near the hit people are expecting
- Hulk 2: Really? I wonder if they considered the title, “Hulk 2: maybe if we hire a great actor you’ll forget that this movie blows”
- Kung Fu Panda: Fuck you panda. Remember when Jack Black was funny? Pretty short lived, huh? It would be perfect irony if Jack Black played Penny Hardaway in the straight to DVD classic: Remember When I Was Good?
- The Happening: I’m so excited to never see this movie. In fact, I can hardly sit still I’m so excited to completely ignore it
- The Love Guru: You know how actors will give an interview about a really bad movie a few years later and say something to the effect of, “I just really needed to make X at that point in my life. It’s really one of my favorite films.” Well, in other news, Mike Myers just booked an appearance on Conan for March 10, 2010 to talk about the Love Guru

My new favorite thing to do in a crowded bathroom is to fart and then use golf talk. There’s something really funny about standing in the urinal with a few other guys, farting loudly and then saying, “hit a house!”

What’s weirder, the 27-minute long R. Kelly sex tape where a young girl calls him Daddy, pees on the floor, has sex with him and then gets peed on? Or, the fact that prosecutors dimmed the lights and played the entire tape at his trail? It’s 27 minutes long! Dimming the lights? How uncomfortable was that room? Imagine the jurors, you’re squeezed into a tiny box with a bunch of strangers watching a video of a really famous person having sex and pissing on a chick, while that same famous person sits 25 feet away. Fuck. I’d be tempted to vote not guilty just to protest the prosecutor for putting me through that.

Isn’t the word “search” in “Obama begins search for VP” a little terrifying? Canseco should be forced to fight an enormous bodybuilder who’s been on roids hard for two years straight – you want to fight roids, huh? Well, here’s your chance. American Airlines is charging $15 to check bags now. $15?! Wait, aren’t they struggling b/c less people are flying? How does this help? Isn’t this like a struggling baseball team charging attending fans $15 every time the team loses? Does anyone here Twitter? I don’t get that shit at all. I’ve basically given up on oranges at this point in my life, who has the time? Why doesn’t baseball have replay? Who was Tom Brady sitting with during game 7 of the Cavs series? I guess this was to expected, CA approves gay marriages and there’s a huge rush for same-sex couples to get married: Ellen and Portia, the gay dude from Star Trek and the gay dude that he beams up, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.

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