Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Bitch please

I missed my flight Friday night to kick off my Memorial Day weekend. Three hours and about six pints later I didn’t really care. But did you know the airport charges $10.99 for a cocktail with two shots? It’s one thing to be at the Cliff Hotel surrounded by Russian mail order brides and well-dressed Indian men but at the airport? Surrounded by nacho cheese dispensers and fat guys with commemorative pins in their hats? Bitch please. (By they way, let’s bring back the term “bitch please.” Was there ever a better way to punctuate a sentence? I don’t think so.)

There is zero chance Pacman doesn’t play this NFL season. Dipping beef jerky into cottage cheese is so much better than it sounds. Matt Ryan is getting paid more than Tom Brady. Thomas Jones will once again be drafted way to early in fantasy drafts. If I could punch one person in the face it would be Shia LeDoosh, that smug little shit needs a good ass kicking. What’s gayer than the premiere of Sex in the City is the girls who try and dress up like Sarah Jessica Parker when they arrive at the theatre. Bitch please!

Summer is almost back which means one thing…BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS!!! If you’ve been with us for the whole ride then you know what to expect. It’s pretty amazing. Jericho has the incredibly dorky ability to correctly predict what movies will pull in at the box office. Sounds nerdy? It is. But pay attention. Jericho knows more about movies than pretty much anybody in the whole wide world.

The secret is almost out. The Giant’s Alex Hinshaw is ridiculous. If you haven’t heard of him yet then you’re welcome for the tip. Hinshaw got called up from the minors a couple weeks ago and he is devastatingly devastating. Yeah, I said it. Here are his career big league stats: 4 IP, 10 Ks, 1H, 0BB, 0ER. The future is here. The future is now. And the future is wearing a cockeyed Giants ballcap.

Is it me or do the Celtics blow? I mean seriously. Who is their go-to-guy? I’m still trying to figure this out. The Lakers have Kobe. The Spurs have Tony Parker. The Pistons have Chauncey Billups (I guess). And the Celtics? Who? Garnett? No. Ray Allen? Please. Osama Rondo? Good luck with that. The Lakers will win this championship easily. It will be about as exciting as last year’s Boston vs. Colorado World Series.

By the way, my friend Andy is a Detroit fan. A fan of all Detroit sports actually. As his hockey team (insert jerk off motion here) is on the cusp of a championship, his basketball team is 1 loss away from being exposed as old, slow and not as tough as they want you to believe. My question is…what does that feel like? To have your teams moving in opposite directions on the biggest stage possible. The highs are monumentally high and the lows are catastrophically low. Maybe this is why he isn’t answering his phone.

This just in…Eddie Murray is in talks to remake Beverly Hills 4. Don’t let Brett Favre catch wind of this.

The Cowboys will once again be featured on HBO’s Hard Knocks. This is too good to be true. Pacman? T.O.? Romo and Jessica Simpson? Pardon me for the semi I’m currently sporting and will maintain until early August.


Jimmy Hoffa said...

That was me with the cinnamon, and man - that coffee must be truly dreadful. I'm sorry for you. Go Cs.

RK said...

I heard that they're going to save the $14,000 it was going to cost them to hire Judge Reinhold and John Ashton by letting Eddie play Taggart and Rosewood in white face.

They should spring Nick Nolte from rehab and get him in this...they can call it "Another 48 Hours in Beverly Hills."

Also: Magglio, you owe me $125.