They're shitty

Let me set the scene. It’s Tuesday evening. I’m sitting at the bar with my best girl sipping a Makers and Diet Coke. Yes, Diet Coke. It’s hard work looking this good. Let me continue. The Giants have squandered a 2-0 lead and find themselves knotted up at 2-2 in the bottom of the 9th. Now they’re battling. I mean this team is showing some real grit. They’re not just going to roll over and…fuck…Ray Durham boots an easy ground ball and the runner scores from second. Yeah, that’s right. The runner scores from second on an infield grounder. The Giants lose. They’re shitty.

On our walk back home I get a text from my friend Morgan. It reads, “this guy here is dead…Cross him off then.” And it hits me like a ton of bricks. The Giants are eerily similar to the famed Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League. We've got a bunch of guys that nobody's ever heard of. Half of our roster was selling real estate or working on their golf game last season. And nobody is giving us a shot. Let’s take a look at the evidence.

Lou Brown/Bruce Bochy – Manager
The grizzly skipper. He always seems to have the right thing to say. He can always rally the troops to believe in one another. And he always smells like a mix of pine tar, sunflower seeds and Rolaids. This is the classic baseball manager. This one lined up perfectly. Have you seen Bochy’s facial hair?!

Classic quote: “My kinda team Charlie, it’s my kinda team.”

Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn/Tim Lincecum – Stud pitcher
It’s hard to imagine Lincecum with the ‘vedge head’ hair cut, drilling a bunch of chicks and doing hard time for stealing a car. But Lincecum is a dead ringer for the Wild Thing with his rocket arm. Lincecum throws BB’s. Lincecum is the franchise. The baddest dude in the locker room. 12-year-old face and all.

Classic quote: “I look like a banker in this.”

Ed Harris/Barry Zito – Aging pitcher
This one hurts. But it’s the truth. And I can totally see Zito making old guy jokes to the young guys in the locker room. Wasn’t Harris the one who gives up the key hit in the final game against the Yankees? (side note: It was the AL championship right? Whatever happened to the Indians in the Series? Why did we never find this out?) Ok, Harris is 10 times better than Zito. That’s how bad things have got. Zito blows. I don’t know any other way to put it at this point.

Classic quote: “Crisco, Bardol, Vagisil. Any one of 'em will give you another two to three inches drop on your curveball.”

Jake Taylor/Aaron Rowand – The unspoken leader
Hear me out. Jake Taylor was a few years removed from his prime with rickety knees and was arguably the face of the franchise. Aaron Rowand came to San Francisco with inflated numbers thanks to being sandwiched in a killer lineup in Philly. He uses his face to catch himself when he falls and the marketing geniuses in the front office won’t let us forget his hustle anytime soon. Rowand seems crafty enough to lay down a bunt when everyone in the building is expecting he’ll swing away. Now that I think of it, I like this comparison. (self-five)

Classic quote: “I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.”

Roger Dorn/Omar Vizquel – Aging shortstop
To his credit, Omar would never give up on a grounder because he feared getting a ball to the face. Omar is a magician with his glove but let’s face it, he’s old. He’s kinda cranky. And he may use self tanner. Just like Dorn he’s a former All-Star (2002). But not when he was on our team.

Classic quote: “Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you. Strike this motherfucker out.”

Willie Mays Hayes/Eugenio Velez – Flashy speedster
Hayes couldn’t get on base besides walking or getting a few slap singles. Same as Velez. Hayes had world class speed. So does Velez. Hayes had a problem with pop-ups and push-ups. Velez? Not sure yet. But have you heard his first name pronounced? It’s so cool. Oo-heen-E-O. That’s my attempt to write it phonetically. Now try saying it.

Classic quote: “Going somewhere?” “About 90 feet.”

Honorable mention:
*We don’t have a Pedro Cerrano. We let him go in the offseason and erased his existence from our ballpark. Not having this bat in our lineup is going to hurt real bad. And if you recall, it was Cerrano’s 2 run blast that tied the game in the Indian’s shootout with the Yankees. There is a part of me that wants to give it to Bengie Molina but the most homers he’s hit in a season is 19. And Cerrano easily hit 40 that year…I’m guessing.

*Dave Righetti as Pepper…the skippers’ right hand man.

*Jon Miller as Harry Doyle…the voice of the Giants.

*Jeff Kent as The Duke…the most hated opponent with unruly nose hair.


But let us not forget how this shit show ends. The Indians catch fire late in the season and wind up making the World Series. I think this points to good signs for The Giants. All it takes is a little clubhouse voodoo, enticement to see Peter McGowen nude, a resurgence from some unknown guys and a smoking hot player’s wife to cause some inner turmoil. Has anyone seen Dan Ortmeier’s wife? Anyone?