Announcement

Today Magglio Ordonez of the Detroit Tigers announced his retirement. My brother sent me the link and asked if I too should announce my retirement from A&M. What a terrible thought. But totally valid based on our lack of posting. What the hell happened to us? Life happened I guess. We both had kids. We both got deeper into our careers. Ultimately we’ve had less time to dedicate to just shooting the shit.

What a depressing thought.

Jericho and I still talk every day. I guess we sorta use our Facebook status updates as one off A&M’s. Again, what a depressing thought. Just wasting our witticisms on fat relatives, former neighbors and that one chick that gave us a hummer in college and now has 4 kids. Yikes.

Well, I’m announcing today that we’re NOT retiring. We’re still living the dream. The dream that one day we’ll be asked to write full time. To quit our jobs and do this for a living. The dream that Bill Simmons will ask us to join Grantland and we’ll show up to their lavish offices and be asked to join the brainstorms and when it gets to us we’ll talk about fisting or peeing on bitches and then immediately be shown the door. Yes. That’s the dream.

Hey, Jericho, let’s get on it buddy. We got a room full of pretentious writers to offend. 

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Ain't that a bitch

by Jericho

I work with a mega bitch. Everyone works with a mega bitch but this
bitch is the mega bitch of all bitches. This bitch is fucking
mythological. She does shit that would make Zeus say, “shit, that’s
fucked. I turned into a swan and raped a bitch once and even I
wouldn’t even do half the shit that bitch does.”

The following exchange actually happened on the phone a few days ago:

Me: do you mind if I segue into another topic while I have you?

Her: that’s fine. But just so were clear, you don’t have me, I have you.

What? What the fuck does that even mean? That’s the kind of shit that
makes you look around your office for a hidden camera. Fucking
congrats, you’re cunt of the year! Hurrah! Hooray! Where should we
send your trophy, which by the way is a beaten old vagina with a
fucking trident shooting out of it? Should we mail it, or just leave
it outside of the orphanage and the next time you come to feed you can
just pick it up?



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Bearded Hatchet Wound

By Magglio and Jericho

Apple

The Raiders should give the ball to McFadden 50 times a game. White safeties are not as cool as white running backs but are infinitely cooler than white wide receivers. Carolina is to backdoor covers as a Kardashian is to endorsing a product. Automatic.

Moustache
You know Apple's tagline: if you don't have an iPhone…well, you don't have an iPhone. Let me just say this: if you're standing in line at an Apple store right now…well, you're standing in line at an Apple store right now.


Apple
Fine, I'll be the one to say what we're all thinking: Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox should star in a porn called Bearded Hatchet Wound. Why would it be called that? Why wouldn't it be called that?


Moustache
If there was a button to push, so every time a preview for Whitney came on, it caused her to immediately stop talking, start stripping and for the boyfriend character to magically disappear never to be seen again. Then I would definitely push that button.


Apple
Want to know the one saving grace about being 0-4 in fantasy? You can see hand sanitizer on the counter. Wait, sorry, I screwed up the intro. Want to know the one saving grace about getting fingered by a high school football team?


Moustache
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that, even when presented him with this miraculous opportunity, Bruno Mars wouldn't change a fucking thing about that dumb cunt's stupid fucking face. It's goddamn fucking perfection. He'll also take a fucking grenade for that bitch. But then again, he's lazy and doesn't even want to get out of his goddamn fucking bed. In other news, I think Pandora's trying to kill me. I have a Van Morrison channel and a Stevie Wonder channel, Bruno gave them both herpes. Or maybe clicking thumbs down isn't strong enough. Maybe I should round house my monitor like some fucked up Chuck Norris movie.




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Chubby bitches love me

By Magglio and Jericho


Apple
The single greatest shirt to wear to a frat party would say, "chubby bitches love me." That would be a massive success on all levels. These are the things you think of when you're baby is screaming at 3am.


Moustache
There’s Lady Gaga’s alter ego weak, there’s Justin Bieber’s wardrobe weak, then there’s Kris Humphries weak. I mean this dude has entered an entirely new realm of pussydom. Sure, he’s putting it to Kim Kardashian but at what cost? Every minute of their silly relationship is in front of cameras and even worse there’s a picture of her feeding him an apple in this month’s US Weekly. An apple. Seriously. She’s feeding him. Remember when cameras caught Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod? At least he’s A-Rod. Who the fuck is this guy?


Apple
I’m addicted to reading the comments on cnn.com stories even though they are written by the dumbest humans on the planet. If anything, the comments are predictable. There’s always the bible thumper, the bigot, the sarcastic guy, the over sharer and the spell checker. You can get lost in the comments section. Be careful.


Moustache
You know who's an underrated douche? Jim Irsay, the owner of the Colts. Spend three minutes scrolling down his Twitter feed, you'll be amazed that a guy worth a billion dollars can be such a fuck knuckle. Look at the picture, look at the diction in his Tweets, then think about how much money this guy has. Anyone else want to stab themselves in the forehead? http://twitter.com/#!/jimirsay

Apple
Craziest spread this week: Niners -5.5 vs. Seattle
Easiest spread this week: Atlanta -3 at Chicago


Moustache
Do you think at family get togethers Lamar Odom pretends to not know who Kris Humphries is? Do you think Lamar shines up his rings and then makes Humphries carry his bags? Do you think in 2 seasons when Humphries is out of a job and Kim dumps him he’ll ask for the tiara she wore during the wedding in the settlement. Pussy.



III

At 25...

By Magglio and Jericho...


At 25 I was only interesting in nailing the ditzy blonde. Today I just ask my wife to role play the ditzy blonde. Like Luda said "we want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed."


At 25 my wardrobe consisted largely of Snoop Dogg Clothing and Wu-Wear. Today it’s more about button down shirts and form fitting jeans. Don’t think I lost my street edge though. I’ll still blast a muthafucka.


At 25 I jerked off at least twice a day. Today, well, I still jerk off at least twice a day. I just have someone to help me out.


At 25 I used to smoke weed and do stuff. Clean my apartment; pay bills; grocery shop; go to the gym; organize my closet. Today if i get high I can barely perform my basic functions as a mammal. "I don't want to breathe right now, too fucking tired."


At 25 I started Rudi Johnson and LaMont Jordan at running back for my fantasy team. This year I’m hoping to start Jamal Charles and Ryan Williams.


At 25 I thought Jack White was a prophet sent from above. Today, I’m even more certain of his immortality.


At 25 I ate at Taco Bell on average 3 times a week. Today, I can’t remember the last time I went to a Taco Bell. I’m assuming their sales have plummeted since I opted out of their Grade D meat.


At 25 I took orders. Today I give them. Booyah.


At 25 I drank Captain Morgan’s with Diet Coke. Today I drink High West on the rocks.


At 25 I wondered if the Giants would ever win it all. Today I wonder if I’ll ever stop smiling/bragging/dancing/shit talking after last season’s incredible run.


At 25...I liked a finger in the butt. Not in a gay way, in a "I heard this makes blow jobs even more awesome" way. And it did. For a while. Eventually though, you have that moment when you realize, "Jesus Christ, there's a finger in my butt right now.” Sure, it's kinda awesome, but there's a fucking finger in my butt." 25 years old. What a place. Anyway, I like three fingers in there now.



III

Hooked on Pussy Phonics

By Jericho -

Do you ever stop and think about how many pussies there are in the world? There are more than 3.4 billion women on the planet, that's a big fucking plate of pussy. How much does a pussy weigh? 2 pounds? 5 pounds? There could be as much as 17 billion pounds of fucking pussy on this planet! That's incredible! How big is a pussy? 3 inches tall by an inch wide? Is that even the right measurement? Do doctors measure pussy circumference? Pussy diameter? Does Pi factor into Cherry Pie? How am I supposed to think of measurement terms to keep this joke going when there are 10 billion fucking inches of pussy out there? Do you realize that if you stacked every pussy on top of each other, you'd have enough pussy to get to the moon and back! Space Pussy! One small step - Space Pussy! How are we supposed to just work, and walk, and eat - Space Pussy!

I know this is futile, but let's take a step back from the pussy population and think about a few other things that make life on this planet fucking awesome. Here's a few from my list: the NFL, the Box Office and the Kindle. I fucking love all three of these things.

What's more amazing: that Peyton and Brady have already thrown for a combined 89,572 yards or the fact that their yardage total is the equivalent of more than 1 million pussies? How much better did the Peyton v. Brady debate just get? Great game from Brady today: 24/33, 4,208 pussies and three touchdowns.

The Harry Potter franchise just passed Star Wars as the most lucrative franchise in history with more than $7.3 billion in worldwide gross. $7.3 billion fucking dollars! That means there twice as many ducats in Harry Potter's vault than pussies on earth. That's an unworldly dollar to pussy ratio.

Do you realize that if every pussy on the planet had the power of speech, and we assigned one word per pussy, those pussies could read War and Peace 62,000 times? That's some literary fucking pussy! I tried to read War and Peace once. I lasted for about 12 pages. Fucking Russian literature; long meandering sentences, desolate atmospheres, bad sausages around a dwindling fire. Fuck that noise. But you take that bleak fucking depressing bullshit and have it coming out of a pussy? Sign me the fuck up. Hooked on pussy phonics.

Fucking amazing isn't it? All these goddamn pussies. If you created an infographic charting all of these pussy facts then you'd be a gigantic fucking dildo because infographics are for cunts and fucktards. Look! This is what the Internet really looks like! This is what the tip of my dick really looks like. Here's an idea, all the cunts and fucktards that spend hours making dumb infographics about shoe sizes getting smaller and vegetable oil - Space Pussy!



III

Damn you's a sexy fish

Apple
Netflix loves me. They make a killing from people like me. I’ve had ‘Into the Wild’ for 3 weeks now. Just sitting next to the TV like the fat girl at the bunny ranch hoping someone picks her for the evening. I’ll probably send it back. It says it’s 2 and a half hours long, I’ve already read the book, and I don’t think I can watch Emile Hersch’s stupid face for that long. Plus watching movies about anorexia just makes me hungry.


Moustache
The cover of Details magazine this month has a picture of Shia LaBeouf with the headline ‘Hollywood’s Last Bad Boy’. I’ve tried to finish this sentence 10 times with a joke. But nothing worked. Finally Jericho pointed out that the first sentence is the joke. So there you have it.


Apple
I want Laurel and CT to procreate. If only so that they create a super RR/RW Challenge baby. They could name it Aldon Rachel Lavin. Somewhere a mad scientist is focused solely on creating a super RW/RR competitor. I can’t see how this isn’t possible.


Moustache
One of my favorite jokes is doing the scissor motion when talking about two chicks. It’s just perfect. It beats the jerk off motion when you don’t care. And it narrowly beats the two handed underhand cup and lift at the chest motion. What it doesn’t beat is the two handed, make a V with your fingers and connect with a friend doing the same…then peep through the hole. You know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t then please stop reading this blog.


Apple
Remember this? Respect.




Oh yeah, follow us on Twitter @rickreilyisgay. We don’t do much. But it’ll make us feel cool if you follow us.

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