Friday, January 30, 2009
by Magglio and Jericho
Note: These are actual bets posted at Ceasar's in Las Vegas.
* O/U on number of times Kurt Warner will mention God in pre and post game interviews... 14
* O/U on number of times someone will make the obligatory “man, that dude looks pissed” joke when they cut to Brenda Warner in the stands...8 billion
* O/U number of times Larry Fitzgerald Sr. is shown on TV... 2.5
* O/U number of times Larry Fitzgerald Sr. is shown on TV with his fist inside of Rick Reily as Reily jots in his journal, "with hands like a bricklayer but soft like fresh blueberries, Larry Sr. rams his fist in my butthole like tiger nailing a par putt on 18. Father. Mentor. Fister. Human.”...3
* Percentage chance that Magglio wears his signed Fitzgerald jersey...65%
* If Magglio doesn't wear his Fitz jersey, O/U on amount of times Maggio cries that he isn't wearing his Fitz Jersey...14.5
* Chances this is true….Big Ben seems like a guy who spent way too much time on his fifth grade science project. And everyone hated it and he's never forgotten. He spent seven weeks making a paper mache dolphin, for his report "Dolphins: Phriends of Phoes?".
And oh, how they laughed at him, "Ben can't spell, he must be retarded."
"Now, kids, that's not nice to, Ben. He obviously worked very hard making this salmon."
"Dolphin, Mrs. Mankowitz! It's supposed...to be (runs out of the room)…"
Next on Outside The Lines, how a science project gone terribly, terribly wrong inspired a quarterback to greatness, "When I'm on the road, I feed off the crowd. All the screams, all the voices, they just become those kids in Mrs. Mankowitz's class. I can still hear them. I can still hear them."….95%.
* O/U on number of menstruating Steelers fans that will support their team by sporting an enormous, yellow, Terrible Tampon...17.5
* Once again we gave resident tug job KK a chance to contribute. Here is what he came up with: “Number of times John Madden says boom...8.5”
And that’s why we keep him behind the scenes. Thank you KK.
* Number of fists thrown during Springfield’s halftime show because Magglio would rather watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet...Countless
* Percentage chance Kendra from Girls Next Door looks at her fiancée Hank Baskett and thinks “why did I pick this loser?’ 0% (trick question, Kendra doesn’t think.)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
There I was. Sitting at the Cheesecake Factory, crammed into a round table with 7 of my co-workers, waiting for the waitress to take my order. She was making the rounds, in her cheery demeanor, kindly asking “would you like side salad, soup or fries,” in hope of earning a couple more dollars from the corporate card that would be left at the end of the meal. It was obviously a business lunch. We all had on our suits and ties and the small talk was forced. These weren’t the type of co-worker lunches where you talk sports or tell how hung over you were last weekend. No, these were the higher ups. The big wigs. The guys I hope I never become. In salary, in rank and in knowledge yes. But in attitude, in respect, in holier than thou…never.
I was out of my element. My small talk was worthless at this table. I tried to make the ‘gentlemen I’ve called you here today…’ joke but it fell faster than a Jessica Simpson feature film. So I kept to myself. I kept up with the industry talk, I chimed in when it came to our business and when someone mentioned the Super Bowl I refrained from mentioning my thoughts on Big Ben’s big dumb face. Then she got to me.
“And what can I get you?”
“I’ll take the spicy chicken salad please.”
“Which one would you like sir?”
“Um, just the spicy chicken salad.”
“Well, we have two of those…”
Now let’s pause here for a second. It’s been well documented that yours truly could stand to lose a few pounds. This is something we all know. So let’s just say I’m trying to make a good decision at lunch. I opted out of the club sandwich. I stayed away from the beef teriyaki plate. I tried my hardest to not get the burger and fries. And what do I get for my fortitude and will power?
“…we actually have two kinds of spicy chicken salad. We have the roadhouse salad or the weight management salad,” she announced.
Now what is this all about? Do they have to call it the weight management salad? Can’t they give it a more respectable name? Or can’t they only have one salad which fits the spicy chicken salad description? That’s like being at a burger joint and asking for Super Gay Veggie Burger or substituting fries for a side of Lady Boy Salad. Somebody has got to get a clue.
I confirm my choice by muttering ‘weight management’ under my breath. She gives me a half smile and moves on. I coulda strangled her.
The lunch continues as before with as much energy and enthusiasm as a box of hair. Time passes. And time goes on. It was getting uncomfortable. People were hungry and nobody wanted to carry on this charade any longer. Finally the food came. And to nobody’s surprise, instead of following the little ticket that tells you exactly who got what, the rotund man delivering the food held up an unreasonably small white dish and asked, “Who had the weight management salad?”
Some days I just can’t win.
Monday, January 26, 2009
by Magglio and Jericho
Can I get a 'motherfucker say what?' Read this: " The Steelers are a solid football team. A really solid football team. I think their record suffers this year from having the toughest schedule in the league. Tonight they proved that they are in fact a true force to be reckoned with. My prediction for the Super Bowl? Pittsburgh vs. Arizona. No chance the Titans make it. As my homosexual blog mate Jericho correctly stated, one of these days Kerry Collins is going to be asked to make a play to win a game. Nuff said."
I wrote that on November 3rd. Don't believe me? Click here. That's why you read this blog bitches.
Bright Eyes sang "Well I don't know when but a day's gonna come. When there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun." Well, that day has come. Check it out. Damn that bitch got big and in a hurry too.
When you ask someone, "hey, did you get a haircut?" and they respond with "no, i got them all cut" shouldn't you be legally allowed to chop their fucking head off?
I can't decide what to wear on Sunday. I'm either wearing my Larry Fitzgerald jersey (I kept it), a performance wear Cardinals polo shirt (you can see my nipples when I'm excited) or a "do-it-yourself Brenda Warner kit" complete with flattop and a well placed Crucifix.
Saturday night I witnessed a man Saber no less than 25 bottles of Champagne. And yes, I was hungover on Sunday.
If you asked me which best picture nominee will be remade as a gay porn first and what the title will be, I'd have to go with Benjamin Butthole, but wouldn't be surprised if someone just spliced hardcore sex scenes into Milk and called it even.
You know who's going to score on Sunday? Heath Miller. That is something I feel strongly about.
The three most underrated stories of the Super Bowl: 1) are we sure we're ready to live in a world where either Big Ben or Kurt Warner has two rings? 2) Mike Tomlin is very cool, but who was the last cool coach to win a Super Bowl? Belichick dresses like he cleans pools, Dungy is a fucking dweeb, Shanahan looks like a substitute history teacher with an Abe Lincoln hat collection – are we sure cool isn't a curse? 3) Whisenhunt knows Big Ben and the Steelers defensive schemes as well as anyone on earth, why isn't this being talked about more?
Not to get all political or anything, but how nice is it to have finally have a president who is guided by what he thinks and not what he believes? It's like the entire country just got a new girlfriend who knows that a little teeth is ok as long as you don't scrape or bite.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
We saw an incredible performance by LeBron James on Friday night against the Warriors. He’s a beast on the court. I was fortunate to have the opportunity to see him play. Then I got to thinking; this season I’ve seen arguably the 3 top athletes in the 3 major sport...play live. Larry Fitzgerald, Alex Rodriguez and LeBron James. That’s a helluva lineup. And that’s not even an all-time list. I’ve seen those 3 play in the past 12 months. Can anyone out there top me?
Who is the best player you’ve seen play live in each of the 3 major sports over the past 12 months?
Friday, January 23, 2009
written by Magglio and Jericho
I know everyone of you is asking yourself the same questions right now: why hasn’t Jericho weighed in on the Oscar nominations yet? Where the fuck is he? Yes, the article about the guy who can talk with his farts was delightful, but that’s not why he gets paid the big bucks around here. I hear you, friends, hear you loud and clear, however, I haven’t seen enough movies yet to have an objective opinion about who got robbed and who robbed them. I will say this though; not nominating Christopher Nolan for best director for the Dark Knight is one of the bigger oversights I can remember. Honestly, what movie did you see this year, or ever for that matter, that was better made – from a technical, timing, editing, vision perspective – than the Dark Knight? I was hoping for best picture, best screenplay and a host of others, but I can live without them. Nolan got his fucking wallet stolen on this one. That’s a damn shame. More thoughts on this after I’ve knocked out a few more movies.
I’ve been searching for months for a Mr. G the musical sweatshirt like the one seen in Summer Heights High. It does not exist. (Someone make it and lets sell it from this blog…see what I did there? Innovation. Creativity. Desire. It’s called Biz Dev. Anyone want to apply for this position please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org) But I did find this sweatshirt…pretty fucking sweet huh?
In 1998, on Michael Jordan’s final tour, the Bulls came to town. A friend and I went to the ATM, drained our accounts and showed up before the game hoping to scalp some tickets. The cheapest we could fine was $500 each and they were nosebleeds. So, one of my greatest sports regrets in life is that I never got to see Jordan play. Well, I’m not going to let history repeat itself. Suck it JSherm. I’m going to the Cavs and Warriors game tonight with my best girl. Seats are 10 rows back. Check it off the list. Kobe, you’re next.
A chick wrote me an email that ended with ‘Please tell me what you would like me to do.’ Three responses I wish I replied with:
1 - Keep eating those Chipotle burritos. If your goal is to look like Raven Simone then congrats…you’re well on your way.
2 - Have your floating ribs removed and try to suck yourself off you freaky bitch.
3 - Cut off one of your ears so I have a really good reason to feel sorry for you. This whiny cunt thing just isn't working for me.
The Washington Huskies are currently all alone in 2nd place in the Pac-10 with UCLA coming to town on Saturday. While half the world doesn’t acknowledge basketball until after the Super Bowl, finally we have something to cheer about with the Huskies. And even though I’m not going to join, I’m impressed with the ‘Jon Brockman is the Chuck Norris of Basketball’ group on Facebook.
KK brought up a good point today. Never borrow someone elses cell phone. Think about it. How many times have you been in a bathroom and heard some jackhole on their cell phone. Literally pissing and talking. Wiping his ass and chatting it up. You never know where someone’s phone has been. KK also thinks we should institute a rule of informing the person on the other end of the phone what you’re doing should you be the pisser. Maybe we could make this into an iPhone app. Andy, can you nerd it up and make this happen? (Damn it. This is why I never take KK’s recommendations for what to post about.)
What I’m listening to right now: The Raconteurs, Live at the Warfield 7/23/06. “How you gonna rock yourself to sleep./ When I give up my midnight creep girl/ How you gonna get that deep/ When your daddy ain't around here to do it to you?" I swear I've heard TahoeSanta utter those exact words to a chick once.
Salting the wound. The Brewers gave Prince Fielder $18million over 2 years. Yes, that’s the same exact amount the Giants gave Edgar Renteria. I am withholding any judgment on Renteria until he’s played a few games for us but riddle me this. Who would you rather have? An aging infielder who’s numbers have been in a serious decline the past 5 seasons or a rotund 24 year old who is capable of belting 50 ding dongs a year? A bunch of fucking amateurs.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
*Note: each month Apples and Moustaches showcases one of the brightest, bravest and boldest members of the entrepreneurial community. Nominations forms are submitted by a third party and A&M selects the winner based on a series of criteria ranging from ingenuity to marketability to the average breast size of the employees.
This month’s winner: Charles Selrahc
Title: VP of Casual Design
Headquarters: Von Ponny, Kansas
The Product: Fundies
What it does: Underwear that has a state of the art filtration system, enabling wearers to fart unashamedly in public by emitting a common sound, completely drowning out any potential rip. Fundies come in all shapes and sizes, and feature sounds for three separate situations: office (a chair being pushed back, a stapler, an elevator door opening), dinner party (champagne cork being popped, silverware being put in a drawer, a doorbell) and car ride (horn honking, a siren, a garage door opening). Stop making that “I don’t want to fart” face and start living your life.
Company Tagline: Fundies: It’s our little secret. Hey, is that someone at the door?
Transcript of the interview:
A&M: Great to meet you, Charles, conrgats on the award.
CS: Thanks, Jericho. This is a proud day for farters everywhere.
(The sound of a chair scooting back is heard in the distance)
A&M: Yes, indeed it is. You know, one of the reasons we selected your product, out of the tens of applicants, was your passion for your cause. On your website you mention “correcting the history of the fart.” What does that mean exactly?
CS: Thanks, we are very passionate about our cause. The fart, a beautiful little byproduct of the human body, has long been judged unfairly and had its role in human history completely minimized by a bunch of puritanical anti-fartites.
CS: Yes, one who hates farts and discriminates against farters in general.
(A stapler is heard several times in the distance)
A&M: Interesting, and you’re saying that these anti-fartites have altered history by purposely omitting the role that farts have played in important events?
CS: Exactly! You hit the nail right on the head.
(The sound of a hole puncher is heard in the distance)
A&M: Well, it sounds like you did too.
CS: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
A&M: Of course you don’t. Let’s talk about history, give me a few examples of what the anti-fartites have done.
CS: There are many of course. I mean, some of the most important events in history have involved or revolved around a fart. You remember Patrick Henry’s famous speech about liberty don’t you?
A&M: I think so, the “Give me liberty or give me death” speech?
CS: Exactly. History has conveniently omitted the second half of that quote. What he actually said was, “Give me liberty or give me death. Excuse that stench, I’m afraid I’ve farted.”
A&M: Wow! I did not know that.
CS: Few do. Even fewer know about Julius Caesar and his famous last words.
A&M: Wait, is this the “et tu Brute” line?
CS: Yes and no. The details of the story are true: Caesar was chased out of Congress and beaten to death by his friends and associates. However, where history goes astray is what happened next. It’s been reported that Caesar looked up at his friend Brutus and uttered his famous line, which translates as “you too, Brutus?” What actually happened was that as he lay dying someone cut an enormous fart. Caesar, annoyed that his brave death scene had been interrupted by the unscrupulous farter, looked up and indignantly said, “was that you, Brutus?”
CS: Hey, did you know that the first Apollo launch was just a way to cover up a massive case of diarrhea?
A&M: You are truly a professor of fart history.
CS: No, Jericho, human history. Fart history is human history.
A&M: Well said, sir.
CS: Thank you.
A&M: You’re such an expert on farts and farting, any particular fart your favorite?
CS: Oh, there’s just too many good ones to have a favorite. There’s the rip, the foot in the mud, the baby shit, the squirt, the double squirt, the chocolate squirrel, the Hershey hose, the melted brownie blast, the hot potato, the around the world swirl, the loose balloon, the gong, the dirty gong, the swiss mountain dog, the short pants, the Darth Vader, the ambulance chaser, the limping nun, the wounded tiger and of course, El Presidente.
A&M: El Presidente?
CS: Yes, that’s when your fart sounds like the name of the President.
A&M: Wow, I’m not familiar with that one.
CS: Would you like to hear one?
A&M: Wow, you’ve got one in the can?
CS: Of course! Hold on let me turn off my Fundies.
(CS, reaches down the back of his pants and hits a button. After a few seconds…)
CS’ Butt: Grover Cleveland
CS’ Butt: You are very welcome, Jericho
A&M: Holy shit! You can make it talk?!
CS’ Butt: Indubitably
A&M: What can you make it say?
CS’ Butt: I am fluent in more than 6 million forms of communication.
A&M: Amazing. Would you mind saying “Magglio eats dick sandwiches?”
CS’ Butt: Magglio eats dick sandwiches for lunch, but first, as an appetizer, he likes Cock-Itz, similar to Cheese-itz, but made from bits of ground up lizard cock.
A&M: Excellent punctuation, ass of a man I was interviewing! A perfect way to end our session!
CS’ Butt: I am always happy to oblige one of my…
(At this, CS’ Butt cuts off in mid-sentence and a low, loud gurgling noise is heard).
A&M: Oh God, what is that?
CS: That, my friend, is two Smokey Big Bites from 7-11.
A&M: It smells like sewage. I feel like Andy getting away from Shawshank.
(The sound of a box of paper clips being spilled on the floor is heard in the distance)
A&M: Fundies turned back on?
A&M: Thank God, was getting a little unnerving to be honest. Well, Charles, anything you’d like to add as we wrap up?
CS: Yes, thank you, Jericho. There’s so much I’d like to say to the people of the world, to the children of the people of the world, to the unborn children of the world that will one day be born to the children of the world after the grow up and decide to have children, about the need for tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness. If God wanted us to hold our farts in he’d have sewed our assholes closed and had us excrete through sweating or other methods. Remember what Jesus said to the one-legged, farting goat herder of Nazareth, “Let he who hath split thy pants in vain rejoice, for you shall boof unabashedly on the streets of heaven. To turn the other cheek is God’s gift, to fluff is not folly.”
A&M: Wait, Jesus said that?
CS: Of course!
A&M: That was in the third testament right?
CS: It was indeed! Now, look who is the professor of fart history!
A&M: Human history, Charles. Human history.
(Sobs of joy can be heard coming from Charles’ chair)
A&M: Well, we’ve disgusted our tens of readers enough for one day. Charles Selrahc, congratulations on being Apples & Moustaches’ Entrepreneur of the Month.
(CS starts to respond, Jericho reaches out a hand to cut him off)
A&M: Please don’t.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
For fuck’s sake. I have a whole new appreciation for all of you parents out there reading this blog. Not the grown-up parents with grown-up kids, but the young parents with young kids. Last night we had the pleasure of watching MoHud’s two kids, ages 4 and 2. For fuck’s sake. I don’t know how you people do it. And take into consideration his kids are very well behaved. But man, the amount of attention they need, the constant watching, the ‘uh oh is she gonna take a header right on the edge of that table in a second’ was mind numbing. I’m a walking zombie today. I got two hours of sleep, tops. Any noise and BOOM I was wide awake. Of course we brought Patch thinking ‘he’s small, furry and very amicable. I’m sure he’ll be a great distraction to the kids.’ Little did we know that Patch is kinda a little bitch around kids. He kept looking at us like ‘who are these small people and why must they insist on being so loud?’ Then he’d steal one of their toys and take off with it while they chased him down the hallway. What a little prima donna.
KK had a great idea last week. (And yes, that’s the first time I’ve ever written that sentence.) Thanks in part to our delicious photo of Whitney Port adjusting on the beach, we now would like to implement ‘Nip Slip Wednesdays’. So, ladies and gentlemen, Marisa Miller.
My hands are freezing. I know that a) you don’t care and b) I made this same comment about 3 weeks ago but I just wanted to reiterate the fact. Plus my nose is cold. I need some fingerless gloves, a ‘nana’ sweater and a cup of green tea with a dollop of honey. Man, I’m turning into a woman.
My favorite new AA, non-affiliated, minor league baseball team: The Pensacola Pelicans
We’re hiring! That’s right. In todays down spiraling economy when most companies are reducing the size of their staff, Apples & Moustaches is hiring. We’re looking for a VP of Business Development. Somebody to help guide us into the future by taking this little slice of sunshine we’ve created and bringing it to the masses. While we love all of you tens and tens of readers, it’s time to think globally. Like in those IBM commercials where there’s a box in a warehouse then the box gets bigger and bigger. We need someone to grow our box. Or at least tend to our box and help it smell better. Please send applications to email@example.com.
The Scronton vegetarian watch continues. Our original guess was he would last 3 weeks. It’s been almost 5 years now. Scronton, my brother, just sent me an email today asking if I remember how good the burgers were at a local fast food joint. He asked if that constituted a meat craving. I quickly told him, just because you’re thinking about dick doesn’t mean you’re sucking it.
I got a phone call last night from my mother-in-law. She wanted to let me know that she read my blog. All of it. Seriously. At this point I'm racking my brain thinking of all of the crude, offensive and just bizarre things we've written about. I mean technically this blog is not built for mother-in-laws. I calmly tried to explain that Jericho and I are writing to a specific audience and we don't really want to line up the Jonas brothers for an evening of pop goes the weasel. You see what I did there? I blamed it on all of you fucks. It's you that drives us to write such nonsense.
Ok, is she still looking? No? All clear? Great. Let's get on with the post.
6 observations from the last 72 hours:
1) I'm glad Stephanie, the 34-year-old widow, got a one-on-one date with Jason but let's be honest she's not going to stick around too much longer. She’s really nice but this isn’t about cupcakes and marmalade. It’s about who’s going to look the best standing next to Jason on the cover of US Weekly…am I wrong? I'm impressed he dumped the tall blonde chick. She was nothing more than a banging body. She looked like she'd be awful in bed. Lots of weird whimpering noises and when she finally got on top she'd close her eyes and hum the soundtrack to Notting Hill for inspiration. Just awkward. My pick, Naomi, is banging. I like where I stand. Onward.
2) Last week was Indian week. We saw Slumdog Millionaire (amazing), looked at nude pics of Bollywood actresses (hairy) and went to a new Indian restaurant called Dosa on Fillmore (blowout). Stay tuned, this week is shaping up to be Anglophile week.
3) Give me the Cardinals and the 7 points. Fuck the east coast media. Nobody is giving them a shot. Shock the world is my new motto whenever anyone wants to talk Super Bowl. And you know what? I’m fine with the 2 week wait. I mean honestly, once football is over what do we have left? The NBA? Sweet. I’d rather watch Burn After Reading on repeat. Worst. Movie. Ever.
4) Wade Boggs was a big fat boozer….no really, check it out (Thanks DC)
5) A new Facebook pet peeve of mine…people who only post pictures of themselves doing good deeds. I have one “friend” whose pictures consist of her holding ethnic children, her raking leaves with a giant orange vest on and her in front of some bullshit charity sign with a bunch of her ugly friends. We get it. You’re better than we are. Now please refer to the picture of me clutching a bottle of whisky and deliriously staring down my wife. YES WE CAN!
6) Saturday night we ventured to the suburbs and wound up at a Sushi place for dinner. Talk about the place to be! Ooh wee! A sushi spot in the burbs on a Saturday night goes off like a bar in downtown Baltimore after the Orioles announced their 6 year deal with Nick Markakis. (What the fuck? They gave him Edgar Renteria money.) Without fail, 7 of every 10 women at the Sushi spot had fake tits. That’s not an embellished stat for affect. I went table to table to support my findings. And it wasn’t like fake tits just to add a little giddy up, no, no, these were mammoth hooters and they were ON DISPLAY. Fascinating. I saw some of the sluttiest outfits I’ve ever seen in my life at this restaurant. Who said the burbs are only for perverts and Republicans?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Hi there, Jericho’s twins here. Jericho is still on vacation mode so he asked us if we wanted to handle today’s post. Normally we’d say no, we’re a wreck unless we get at least 23 hours of sleep a day, but we’ve had a lot on our mind lately. See, Jericho and Mrs. Royall recently went on a romantic jaunt through Central America and Jericho thought it would be a good idea to completely shave us for the trip. We weren’t opposed to the idea at first, but then it got weird, our hair grew back unevenly and we just wanted to get back to being happy and hairy.
We imagine that the tens of you reading this might be thinking about beautifying your pair, or maybe you already do, but have you actually stopped to consider what your beanbag thinks of this? What about our feelings?!
We kept a diary during of our recent balding experience so you can see first hand how each step of this process affects us. Maybe this will deter you maybe it won’t, but fuck it, Jericho said we could write today’s post and this is what you’re getting.
We’re huge! This feels incredible! Other than being stuck to a leg 90% of the time, this is amazing! We’ll destroy Mrs. Royall. In fact, we’ll take on anyone in the room. Hey, lady getting water, want to drink something really delicious? Hey, UPS lady, forget brown, want to see what balls can do for you? Hey 9 yr old boys playing hacky sack, want to feel something even softer on the back of your neck?
Fuck, we’re itchy. We’ve heard of chin stubble, but ball stubble? We look like a couple of little George Clooneys.
Man, what’s wrong with our hair? Why is it growing back so sporadically? We look like fat babies. And not the good-looking c-section babies either; but big, disheveled, for-the-love-of-God-put-a-tit-in-our-mouths babies.
This is starting to feel a bit better, but why is there a bald patch towards the lower left half? We’ve got a serious nuthawk going right now. Is it all going to come back? We’re half afro, half bald spot, we look like Donovan McNabb.
Thank God. Furry and friendly. We look Abe Vigoda’s eyebrows and that’s how we like it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
This post is coming out sideways like a mid-morning shit after a breakfast of All-Bran, turkey bacon and a Grande Macchiato with extra foam.
Super Bowl Pick
What's funny is that there isn't really a dominant team left - every single one has a flaw in some way. With that said, I can't see Flacco winning on the road in the AFC Championship and I think Donovan is about to have the ultimate "he just crapped himself" of he just crapped himself games - I like AZ and PITT.
Kate Winslett is the kinda cute, kinda heavy, really dirty chick from History class that promises you a hummer in the parking lot if you talk to her at lunch time when everyone is watching. And you have to weigh the choice carefully. It’s like a “choose your own adventure.” Do you deal with the questions from friends about ‘why were you hanging out with her’ in exchange for a quick BJ? Or do you save face and jerk off when you get home. That has nothing to do with Kate Winslett. But I bet she gives a great blow job.
The scratch on my forehead
No idea how it got here. None. I woke up this morning with a 2-inch scratch right across my dome. Was I sleeping aggressively? Was it a hate crime from Patch when I wasn’t looking? Is my wife into some really kinky shit and I didn’t realize it? These are the questions that will baffle me all day long.
Whitney from The Hills’ Nip Slip
God bless America.
The autographed Larry Fitzgerald authentic jersey that just arrived at my desk
Yes. You read that right. And 14-year-old Magglio has a massive boner right now. I want to put this jersey on so badly right now. I want to challenge my co-workers to run into me full speed. I want to set up an agility test in the hallway using chairs and conference tables and I want to post everyone’s times in the break room so we can see where people stand. That’s what I want to do. I want to go get my football from home and have Jericho throw me post routes in the park till I cramp up because I’m not 16 years old anymore. That’s exactly what I want to do. Unfortunately, it’s not for me. I have to send it elsewhere. But for the next 15 minutes it will sit on my desk, I will sniff the authentic Reebok stitching, and I will day dream.
Jericho’s lack of posting
Ok, I’ll give him a break. He’s been away for almost 3 weeks so obviously he’s buried in emails and bullshit at work. But come on, enough is enough. Did you know he still hasn’t read the posts from when he was gone? I know. I can’t believe it either. Remember how ridiculously ridiculous I’ve been? I know, I know. No, stop it….no, go on. Whatever. He contributed the first one on here about the Super Bowl. And then said he was too busy for anything else. I'm expecting a fantastic Oscar preview soon. A&M may be accepting applications soon. Times are tough. Stay tuned.
Monday, January 12, 2009
10 reasons to be happy this Monday afternoon….
1) Because Jericho is back. For fuck’s sake that was painful. More painful then what it must be like for Tony Parker to have sex with Eva Longoria, “Do it baby. Do it. Make love to me. We’re making love. We’re doing it. We’re making love now baby. This is making love. We are in love and we are making love. This is us doing love. This is us love doing each other. Who’s my baby? Who’s my baby?”
2) Because my little brother, on his first ever weekend betting on football, put 5 bucks down on a 4 team money line parlay and correctly picked the Ravens, Cardinals, Eagles and Steelers. Not with points mind you, he picked outright winners. The odds were 40-1 and he got $200 back. Incredible. As for me? I lost every single bet I placed this weekend.
3) Because Jericho being back means we’ll get an honest to goodness Oscar preview. My biggest question is where have all the fun movies gone? Every movie out right now is about love lost, or World War 2 or losing your loved ones in World War 2. I could use a dose of Rosie O’Donnell right now. That big bitch always makes me laugh.
4) Because Lil’ Joshy is on Facebook which means I get to keep tabs on what he’s up to from a safe distance. Remember, this is the guy who spent 2 weeks last summer reading up on male lactation in hopes of one day being able to nourish his cat, Trabek. He kept reasoning that he wanted to try and give back the love that his cat gives him.
5) Because pitchers and catchers report in just 32 days!
6) Because today is Monday which means The Bachelor is on tonight. In my betting league I got the 3rd overall pick and took Naomi. I’m feeling good about my choice. She looks the most like DeAnna and we know that he’s into that sorta thing. It also means we’ll get to see Nikki and her major yabbos flopping around. Decent.
7) Because last night at the Golden Globes, neither Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt won a thing. Because Tracy Morgan is a funny motherfucker. Because Drew Barrymore’s hair looked so stupid. Because Leonardo DiCaprio is banging Kate Winslet and everyone knows it even Sam Mendes. Because J-Lo tried to wear another “J-Lo” dress and then everyone realized she’s a mom of twins and that was like 10 years ago and at the end of you were left asking yourself “why is J-Lo trying to wear another ‘J-Lo’ dress?”
8) Because Peyton and Eli are not only out of the playoffs but they’re about to get smoked by Venus and Serena in the Double Stuffed Racing League. The Williams sisters are giving 4.5 points. Take the points and the over. Trust me on this one.
9) Because Rock of Love was on last night and Bret Michaels kept the sloppy Brazilian chick (pictured) around. She’s what would happen if Manny Ramirez, Winnie from the Wonder Years and a bottle of Patron made a baby. Also, the chick who looks like a dude really cleaned up for the final scene and you know what? She’s kinda hot. This show is the biggest and best train wreck on television. Without question. The most unsurprising part which always seems to surprise me is how turned on I am by the time the show is over. So nobody call me Sunday night around 10. I’m busy. Just saying.
10) Because I just remembered that Tahoe Santa and Treek owe me money which means my gambling addiction will live another day. Yes. My account is currently at $0. Mama needs some juice.
Friday, January 9, 2009
“Duke likes to maul.” That was an actual quote for the handjob announcer, Thom Brenneman, last night during the BCS Championship game. I’m not one of those guys that like to bash announcers just for the hell of it but this guy was verbally sucking off Tebow to the point I almost came. The ultimate test of a good announcer is if they go unnoticed. But this guy? Who the fuck was he? He openly referred to Tebow as “Superman” and did so even when Tebow did things that weren’t even special. “Superman couldn’t find a receiver so he wisely threw it out of bounds.”
An actual quote from Brennaman last night: "If you're fortunate enough to spend five minutes or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it,"
And of course, after Tebow received a penalty in the 4th quarter for unsportsmanlike content: "That might be the first thing he's ever done wrong."
Or...."I had the chance to sniff Tebow's soiled pants yesterday after practice and let me just say they smelled of a mix between Tony Robbins, Cheese-Its and Barack Obama!"
You ever get to the point where you hate all of your music? Hate may be a strong word, but I don’t have anything worth listening to right now. While I write this I’m listening to The Streets third album ‘The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living.’ Yeah, it’s come to that. I have a $25 gift certificate to iTunes that is itching to be spent. Last night, 4 drinks down, I made the bold call I’m going to use it to purchase The Beach Boys’ greatest hits. Or MGMT. Not sure which one. Any suggestions?
I think I’m turning into a pregnant woman. With all due respect to Sa, who actually is pregnant and puking more than the cast of 90210, I’m showing some strong indicators. I can’t get enough pickles or mustard and I even got choked up when LC and Heidi hugged it out in the season finale of The Hills. I mean, at the end of the day LC is a cunt and we all know it but Heidi showed so much strength in being the bigger person. She’s got a good heart. Now pardon me while I go rub shea butter all over my tummy.
How bout them Huskies? With a 1-point victory over visiting Stanford last night the Dawgs run their record to 12-3 with 14-2 Cal coming to town on Saturday. Fuck yeah. This team is explosive. Isaiah Thomas is the real deal and Jon Brockman plays 6 inches taller than he actually is. And that’s not all, UW just lured USC Defensive coordinator Nick Holt away from the Trojans to revamp the football team’s D. With LSU coming to town in week 1 of next season there is a serious buzz around this football team and this school. In Stark we trust!
My bold and fearless NFL Playoff predictions:
*Baltimore 12, Tennessee 10
*Carolina 34, Arizona 24
*New York 17, Philadelphia 10
*Pittsburgh 38, San Diego 10
Jericho comes home this weekend. Between you and me I’ve left him about 50 voice messages while he’s been away. All of them starting with “you are such a flaming pussy….” He’s going to get home, check his messages and think he’s so popular. Then find out they were all from me. Sorry buddy, you have 1 friend in this world. And he thinks you’re a flaming pussy. Deal with it.
*Check it out. This answers the age old question “Has George Brett ever shit his pants?” Thanks Kendall.
*If you don’t already, it’s time to start reading 23Thoughts. Written and directed by JSherm this site has become an everyday stop for me and should be for you too. Granted he hasn’t posted much in the New Year (just once! Tick tock dude) but when he does its worth while. The only downside is that he also links to Curt Shilling’s blog which is mainly about white supremacy, guns and yeast infections. Let me know what you think.
*Uncle Icee waxes poetic on the bullshit that is the BCS
*Jake Gyllenhaal is on the same workout plan as Jason from the Bachelor
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
A picture is worth a thousand words. But I’d like to explain how this remarkable piece of sunshine came to be. You see, Jericho and I are both big fans of Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy. He truly is the best at what he does even though he sucks off Boston at any and every chance he gets. We can over look that, for the most part. So a couple years back when he came out with his first book, “Now I can die in Peace,” Simmons went on a book signing tour which stopped at major cities along the way. Including lovely San Francisco.
Now, I never had any intention of reading his book purely because it’s about how beautiful Jason Varitek’s penis is or something like that. But, I thought it would be fun to shake the man’s hand and truth be told I was still pissed about not being chosen as his intern a while back (remember that?) So I wanted to confront him face-to-face and resubmit my application. Can you blame me?
Jericho and I decided to meet at the bookstore on the day of the appearance. It was after work on a weekday. Jericho had been planning his outfit for weeks in advance. I looked amazing, per usual. Lo and behold I get there, and there’s no sign of Jericho. I wait and wait and wait and at this point the line is getting pretty long. So I buy the book (you have to buy the book to meet him, capitalist fuck) and wait.
I get a text from Jericho. It reads: “Sorry buddy, got caught at work, can’t make it.”
At this point I’m irate. I’m standing alongside all these overweight, hairy, Boston d-bags who are quoting Good Will Hunting and talking about the time they puked in O’Neill’s bar down on Third Street. It’s similar to being in Chinatown where you can’t understand anything anyone is saying. But substitute strong willed Asians with dumb looking Bostonians.
So it’s my turn to meet the Sports Guy. He’s smaller and has more gray hair then I expected. I shake his hand, tell him I think Kevin McHale looks like a drag queen from the mid-80s, and hand him my intern writing submission. I muttered something about “you must’ve not gotten it” or something like that. He politely took the piece of paper and said he’d read it later. Or he’d use it dispose of his gum later. One of the two, I forgot.
Then he says “Who should I make it out to?”
“Can you make it out to Jericho?”
“And can you be sure to mention what a fucking pussy he is.”
Somewhat stunned, he grabbed his sharpie and wrote what you see above. Brilliant. I then tried to touch him some more and that’s when security grabbed me and told me it was time to go. I managed to touch the top of his head and knock over a chair before being pummeled. My last memory was a look of shock and horror on Bill Simmons’ face.
Overall I was thrilled with the moment. I never told Jericho about what I had the Sports Guy write. A few weeks later I wrapped up the book and surprised Jericho. The payoff when he read the inscription was priceless. And now I post it for us all to enjoy. I never did read that book. But Jericho did. He said it was a fictional tale of a boy who wanted nothing more than to be on the tail end of a gang bang with Carton Fisk, Bill Russell and Tedy Brushchi. I never asked Jericho what happens in the end. Hmm, I wonder.
Thanks to TahoeSanta for the photo.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The new espn.com layout
Talk about a fuck you on the first day back in the office. ESPN.com ruined a lot of good people’s Monday morning by retooling their homepage. I didn’t know what to do with myself this morning. It’s worse then the time Giants fans were cock teased about Vlad Guerrero only to see him sign with Anaheim. Come to think of it that was the last serious ‘big bat’ rumor to hit the Giants over the past 7 seasons. I’m not buying any of this Manny to the Giants talks. Manny wants 4 guaranteed years at least which we cannot afford. Plus, just wait till he gets those 4 years. He’s gonna beef up like Andruw Jones, quit playing defense like Andruw Jones and his average will plummet like guess who? …yep, that’s right, Andruw Jones.
Texas vs. Ohio State:
(insert hand job motion here)
Rock of love tour bus
Truth be told, I turned on this show with about 30 minutes left so I missed most of the introductions….but rest assured this has been added to the series recordings list. Wow. Where to begin? Has Bret Michaels signed a deal with the devil? Or is he just the luckiest guy on the face of the earth? I mean really, how in the world did he pull this off? “Listen Bret, we have an idea for a show. We’re going to get 25 slutty, morally flexible women who worship the ground you walk on to pine after you for weeks on end. You can do anything you want with them whenever you want. We’ll even edit it all to make you look like an upstanding citizen when their behavior turns unsuitable for TV. What’s the catch? There is none. Seriously. Just wear lots of makeup. And get some more face work done. And always wear a bandana.” My favorite part is when he references being “on the road.” What the fuck? Since when in the last 15 years has Bret Michales been “on the road?” I think he was in SF for 10 minutes last year when he played at the Red Devil Lounge (capacity 300 people). Granted that’s more people than read this blog, but I’ve never banged Pam Anderson. At least not in the biblical sense.
The Baltimore Ravens
Damn it. When I grow up I want to be the Baltimore Ravens. This team is so ridiculous. They have the same identical make-up of the team that won the 2001 Super Bowl; a lights out defense and a strong running game. Except this time they brought along a strong armed quarterback. I don’t care if he’s a rookie, just like when Trent Dilfer was there, they just need Joe Flacco to not make any mistakes. The Ravens play for field position and are down right disruptive on defense. My man crush on the Ravens is currently on par with my man crush on Ryan Reynolds. If the Ravens happen to beat Tennessee this weekend (they’re getting 3 points?! WTF?!) then it would swell to David Beckham man crush status. No, I know. I like them that much.
New pictures of Bar Rafeli in a bikni:
Hats off to Pete Carroll, the baddest motherfucker in college football. USC put a whooping on Penn State and made a solid claim on the Number 1 ranking. What I appreciate most is his honest, confident and cocksure responses to questions about how good USC actually is. “Nobody in the country could beat us,” Carroll said as he hoisted the Rose Bowl trophy in the air. I totally agree. Fuck you Oklahoma/Florida/Utah. On a side note Steve Sarkisian called a helluva game didn’t he? I speak for the whole Northwest when I say I can’t wait to get him decked out in Purple and storming around the Husky sidelines. On a second side note, how sick is Taylor Mays going to look in a 49ers jersey? That’s the badass free safety we’re missing. I’m ok passing on Crabtree if it means we can get Mays. I also think we should get Mark Sanchez in the 2nd round and let him develop for a year while Shaun Hill leads us to the Wild Card berth. Then, we take the Super Bowl in 2011. Holla.
The blueberries I’m eating right now:
Disgustingly mushy. Nothing worse then disgustingly mushy blueberries. Man, fuck these. What’s that? Fuck you. Of course I’d rather be eating Frito’s but did you read my resolutions for 2009? I’ve got goals asshole. Mush, mush, mush.
Current Super bowl odds:
Again, these numbers are based on a bet of $100 so it you put $100 down on Arizona to win it all then you’d get $3,000 in return.
Arizona Cardinals +3000
Baltimore Ravens +700
Carolina Panthers +500
New York Giants +250
Philadelphia Eagles +600
Pittsburgh Steelers +400
San Diego Chargers +800
Tennessee Titans +600
*Kellie Pickler lost 28 pounds, only 40 more to go.
*Brad Pitt is rocking the gayest little moustache, but don’t worry he doesn’t get to nail Angelina as often as he’d like you to believe. She’s busy saving the world you really think she’s still playing dress up games for him?
*Jennifer Love Hewitt broke off her engagement, somewhere Tara Reid and her J-Love voodoo doll rejoice.
*Amy Winehouse slipping a nip and scratching her nuts, check it out. Hey Amy, skinny heroin addict is way sexier than flabby booze hound. Get your addictions straightened out please!
*For all of you who scoffed at my ranking of Lindsay Lohan on my top 10 list, check this out. Happy New Year indeed!