Apples & Moustaches’ Entrepreneur of the Month

*Note: each month Apples and Moustaches showcases one of the brightest, bravest and boldest members of the entrepreneurial community. Nominations forms are submitted by a third party and A&M selects the winner based on a series of criteria ranging from ingenuity to marketability to the average breast size of the employees.

This month’s winner: Charles Selrahc
Title: VP of Casual Design
Company: AssQuerade
Headquarters: Von Ponny, Kansas
Employees: 300+
The Product: Fundies
What it does: Underwear that has a state of the art filtration system, enabling wearers to fart unashamedly in public by emitting a common sound, completely drowning out any potential rip. Fundies come in all shapes and sizes, and feature sounds for three separate situations: office (a chair being pushed back, a stapler, an elevator door opening), dinner party (champagne cork being popped, silverware being put in a drawer, a doorbell) and car ride (horn honking, a siren, a garage door opening). Stop making that “I don’t want to fart” face and start living your life.
Company Tagline: Fundies: It’s our little secret. Hey, is that someone at the door?

Transcript of the interview:

A&M: Great to meet you, Charles, conrgats on the award.

CS: Thanks, Jericho. This is a proud day for farters everywhere.

(The sound of a chair scooting back is heard in the distance)

A&M: Yes, indeed it is. You know, one of the reasons we selected your product, out of the tens of applicants, was your passion for your cause. On your website you mention “correcting the history of the fart.” What does that mean exactly?

CS: Thanks, we are very passionate about our cause. The fart, a beautiful little byproduct of the human body, has long been judged unfairly and had its role in human history completely minimized by a bunch of puritanical anti-fartites.

A&M: Anti-fartites?

CS: Yes, one who hates farts and discriminates against farters in general.

(A stapler is heard several times in the distance)

A&M: Interesting, and you’re saying that these anti-fartites have altered history by purposely omitting the role that farts have played in important events?

CS: Exactly! You hit the nail right on the head.

(The sound of a hole puncher is heard in the distance)

A&M: Well, it sounds like you did too.

CS: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

A&M: Of course you don’t. Let’s talk about history, give me a few examples of what the anti-fartites have done.

CS: There are many of course. I mean, some of the most important events in history have involved or revolved around a fart. You remember Patrick Henry’s famous speech about liberty don’t you?

A&M: I think so, the “Give me liberty or give me death” speech?

CS: Exactly. History has conveniently omitted the second half of that quote. What he actually said was, “Give me liberty or give me death. Excuse that stench, I’m afraid I’ve farted.”

A&M: Wow! I did not know that.

CS: Few do. Even fewer know about Julius Caesar and his famous last words.

A&M: Wait, is this the “et tu Brute” line?

CS: Yes and no. The details of the story are true: Caesar was chased out of Congress and beaten to death by his friends and associates. However, where history goes astray is what happened next. It’s been reported that Caesar looked up at his friend Brutus and uttered his famous line, which translates as “you too, Brutus?” What actually happened was that as he lay dying someone cut an enormous fart. Caesar, annoyed that his brave death scene had been interrupted by the unscrupulous farter, looked up and indignantly said, “was that you, Brutus?”

A&M: Amazing.

CS: Hey, did you know that the first Apollo launch was just a way to cover up a massive case of diarrhea?

A&M: You are truly a professor of fart history.

CS: No, Jericho, human history. Fart history is human history.

A&M: Well said, sir.

CS: Thank you.

A&M: You’re such an expert on farts and farting, any particular fart your favorite?

CS: Oh, there’s just too many good ones to have a favorite. There’s the rip, the foot in the mud, the baby shit, the squirt, the double squirt, the chocolate squirrel, the Hershey hose, the melted brownie blast, the hot potato, the around the world swirl, the loose balloon, the gong, the dirty gong, the swiss mountain dog, the short pants, the Darth Vader, the ambulance chaser, the limping nun, the wounded tiger and of course, El Presidente.

A&M: El Presidente?

CS: Yes, that’s when your fart sounds like the name of the President.

A&M: Wow, I’m not familiar with that one.

CS: Would you like to hear one?

A&M: Wow, you’ve got one in the can?

CS: Of course! Hold on let me turn off my Fundies.

(CS, reaches down the back of his pants and hits a button. After a few seconds…)

CS’ Butt: Grover Cleveland

A&M: Outstanding!

CS’ Butt: You are very welcome, Jericho

A&M: Holy shit! You can make it talk?!

CS’ Butt: Indubitably

A&M: What can you make it say?

CS’ Butt: I am fluent in more than 6 million forms of communication.

A&M: Amazing. Would you mind saying “Magglio eats dick sandwiches?”

CS’ Butt: Magglio eats dick sandwiches for lunch, but first, as an appetizer, he likes Cock-Itz, similar to Cheese-itz, but made from bits of ground up lizard cock.

A&M: Excellent punctuation, ass of a man I was interviewing! A perfect way to end our session!

CS’ Butt: I am always happy to oblige one of my…

(At this, CS’ Butt cuts off in mid-sentence and a low, loud gurgling noise is heard).

A&M: Oh God, what is that?

CS: That, my friend, is two Smokey Big Bites from 7-11.

A&M: It smells like sewage. I feel like Andy getting away from Shawshank.

(The sound of a box of paper clips being spilled on the floor is heard in the distance)

A&M: Fundies turned back on?

CS: Yes.

A&M: Thank God, was getting a little unnerving to be honest. Well, Charles, anything you’d like to add as we wrap up?

CS: Yes, thank you, Jericho. There’s so much I’d like to say to the people of the world, to the children of the people of the world, to the unborn children of the world that will one day be born to the children of the world after the grow up and decide to have children, about the need for tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness. If God wanted us to hold our farts in he’d have sewed our assholes closed and had us excrete through sweating or other methods. Remember what Jesus said to the one-legged, farting goat herder of Nazareth, “Let he who hath split thy pants in vain rejoice, for you shall boof unabashedly on the streets of heaven. To turn the other cheek is God’s gift, to fluff is not folly.”

A&M: Wait, Jesus said that?

CS: Of course!

A&M: That was in the third testament right?

CS: It was indeed! Now, look who is the professor of fart history!

A&M: Human history, Charles. Human history.

(Sobs of joy can be heard coming from Charles’ chair)

A&M: Well, we’ve disgusted our tens of readers enough for one day. Charles Selrahc, congratulations on being Apples & Moustaches’ Entrepreneur of the Month.

(CS starts to respond, Jericho reaches out a hand to cut him off)

A&M: Please don’t.