Thursday, May 7, 2009

Today's Apples and Moustaches




Apple
You know what term I don’t get? “Sleep like a baby.” What does that mean? I don’t have kids and haven’t had a tit in my mouth since 7am. Do babies rest peacefully? Doesn’t it seem like they’d be up all night crying and shit? I can’t for the life of me figure this one out. After a tough work-out somebody told me “you’ll sleep like a baby.” I was up all night trying to figure out what that meant.


Moustache
Let’s be serious for a second. Is anyone actually going to watch Star Trek? Am I missing something here? If you’re 50+ years old, or if you’re a frequent masturbator of Japanese anime (not that there’s anything wrong with that) or if you’re a complete turtle humper, then sure…go see Star Trek. But for the rest of us isn’t this just recycling the same old shit? Take it from me. The guy whose best friend loves movies so much that he predicts box office results for months and months out. Let me set the record straight. I can’t stand movies like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Gladiator, Braveheart, etc, etc. Fuck Star Trek. And anyone who goes and sees it.

Apple
Can you feel that strong breeze coming out of The City right now? That’s a collective sigh coming from the Giants’ front office being thankful we didn’t sign Manny Ramirez. Could you imagine if this happened with Manny as a Giant? It would cripple our city, our team, our fans. I think the Giants should send a press release saying the reason they didn’t pursue Manny more aggressively is because they had a feeling he was juicing. Haha. Oh by the way, fuck you Boston. Your titles are tainted. CHEATERS!


Moustache
A couple nights ago Jericho called me and said “you watching the game?” The Giants had already played a day game so I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was talking about the NBA playoffs. “No chance. Wake me when it means something,” I said. I was wrong. I am admitting that now. I caught the 2nd half of the Lakers/Rockets last night and boy was I wrong. NBA Playoff basketball is about as good as it gets. The level of intensity, competition and athleticism makes my nipples hard. Similar to what happened when I watched this trailer.


Apple
You want to know what confuses me? Milk. I enjoy a cup of coffee or 8 every morning and I like to put a splash of milk in it. You know, just to be crazy. Well, there’s skim milk, 1%, 2% and whole milk. I usually opt for one of the first two since I need to maintain my girlish figure. But today, one of the options was Vitamin D Milk. What the fuck does that mean? D for delicious? D for don’t even think about it fat boy? Can’t we just make 2 versions of milk? One that’s full fat and one that’s for fat people. Who do contact to make this happen?


Moustache
We’re less than 4 months away from Fantasy Football drafts. Oh yeah, it’s time to start preparing. Not by like reading about the NFL or anything. But by making your draft day preparations. For my high school league I think we’re going to be drafting at a friend’s bar in Sacramento. Holla. For my college league…who knows? Usually Jericho and I just call-in from San Francisco to those fuck wads in Seattle and are thankful we don’t have to see their stupid faces. We even wrote about it last year, here. (by the way, read the post. I won the league that year. Yes, I'm gloating. Bang Bang Eddie Royal!)


Apple
Finally, the Tahoe/Caity bone-down is imminent. I just hope/fear I get to watch.





III

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

WE are gone so Caity can start focusing on more important things...like waxing her lip (Bert Reynolds), and getting dicked by tahoe.

Caity said...

As long as we're just throwing things out there, let's be clear about the fact that any time someone "anonymously" posts something straight bitchy it's my beautiful baby sister.

Stop salting my game, ho! Fine. There was a brief and temporary lapse in the waxing department, but it's not like I had to be pulled aside at a family function and reprimanded over it. Oh, wait...

p.s. Betsy sharted her computer chair whilst naked and making a shower-time playlist. Our mother had to to buy her a new one.

Jericho Royall said...

Thanks for saying "dicked." That made my whole day.

Uncle Icee said...

I was going to post about Sasha Grey and how hard she gets me but after reading Caity and her lil Sis going at it, I've gotten a new intensity of wood that can't be described! At least until Betsy Sharted her chair...

Jimmy Hoffa said...

So glad I read this later when nobody was going to see it. Fuck you too, Bay Area. I hope Tahoesanta brings you some relevance this holiday season.