Thursday, August 28, 2008
Inspired by the handjobs at TellHimFred I decided to give everyone a quick recap of our Fantasy Football draft this past Monday night. The tough thing about drafting on a Monday night is that you can’t really let loose. Sure, you can sip a Corona and use words only acceptable in a trucker’s diner, but at the end of the night…it’s Tuesday morning. And nobody likes Tuesdays.
(Timeout for a beef jerky break. Fuck I love beef jerkey. Remember at the start of this year when I went vegetarian for a few months. What was I thinking? Damn it that was so gay. If I ever try that shit again somebody had better try and say something. )
So there we were. Myself, Jericho and Patch. Just the guys. Doing guy things. Tecate, a heaping pile of Nachos and a terrible preseason MNF game on the TV in the background. It felt just like an August night should feel. Hope on the horizon but still just kinda sweaty between the legs. This league takes place in Seattle so we have to sign in remotely. This has its pros and cons. Let me explain:
Pro: We don’t have to sit next to Denis. I don’t care if you don’t know Denis, but trust me, you don’t want to sit next to him. Inevitably, no matter where you are, if you sit next to Denis, he starts to get closer and closer to you as the night progresses. And its not like he’s scooting closer to you. No. That would be at least explainable. Denis grows, he overflows, he blubbers outward as the night progresses. I love going to sports events etc with Denis, just as long as I’m not sitting anywhere near him. And yes, his name is spelled Denis. Like Penis. But with a D.
Con: We don’t get to be in the room with the other 8 guys, talking shit, laughing at someone’s pick of Ernest Graham in the 2nd round, encouraging everyone else to keep drinking. Sure, we do the same at our location, but it’s just not the same. Jericho knows all my tricks and all my jokes. Luckily Patch was there and he always thinks I’m funny.
Pro: We get to help each other. I know this sounds weird and totally blasphemous, but it’s nice to be able to bounce ideas and player suggestions off of each other. Now, it got a little tricky when I drew the 1st pick and Jericho the 2nd pick, but we made it work. Also, we made sure to try and pick Patrick Willis at least 5 times which just angered the Seattle guys.
Roethlisberger, Ben QB
Jones-Drew, Maurice RB
Tomlinson, LaDainian RB
Colston, Marques WR
Driver, Donald WR
Evans, Lee WR
Witten, Jason TE
Scobee, Josh K
Bradshaw, Ahmad RB
Hall, Andre RB
Johnson, Chris RB
Jones, James WR
Royal, Eddie WR
Overall, I’m happy with my draft. I think my starting lineup is pretty solid, especially for a 12-team league. My back-ups are totally sketchy; I’m relying on rookie RBs and slap-dick Wrs to get me through the season. Two guys I wanted really badly, Anthony Gonzalez and Santonio Holmes, slipped right away from me both times. I drafted Eddie Royal waaaay too early but Brandon Marshall is hurt and Royal looks like he could be the real deal. If Lee Evans produces this year, and everyone else does what they’re supposed to do…then I got a good chance to compete. And yes, I totally nabbed my man-crush…James Jones.
Romo, Tony QB
James, Edgerrin RB
Peterson, Adrian RB
Burleson, Nate WR
Holmes, Santonio WR
Houshmandzadeh, T.J. WR
Cooley, Chris TE
Crosby, Mason K
Schaub, Matt QB
Jones, Felix RB
Taylor, Chester RB
Ginn Jr., Ted WR
Johnson, Bryant WR
Jercicho’s team is solid. With Romo and All-Day he’s stacked at the top. His team hangs on two players in my opinon; Houshmanzadeh and Felix Jones. If Housh can produce another 100 reception season and Felix can get enough touches, Jericho will be sitting pretty. I love the Chris Cooley pick, I think he’s a bad ass tight end. And secretly, I love the Matt Schaub pick. I think this is the year the Texans finally make the playoffs. Bryant Johnson? That pick was just stupid.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Like throwing up during a tailgate or pulling one off thinking about your childhood babysitter the bachelor party is a true right of passage. And this weekend, our very own Jericho Royall (not to be confused with Eddie Royal) will be embarking on this time honored tradition. Like my bachelor party about a year ago, we will be travelling to Lake Tahoe with 10 sweet dudes and 3 glorious days in front of us. Here are 10 fearless predictions for the weekend.
1. Our friend Josh will win the award for drunkest during the day. And it will be on Sunday, the last day we’re there. And he’ll call his wife and make us all talk to her. And she’ll begrudgingly talk to each of us and we’ll say things to her like “Josh has INSISTED on only Asian strippers. He said he loves the China vagina.” And he’ll get mad and she’ll get embarrassed and it will be a highlight of the weekend.
2. We’ll play poker on Friday night. Jericho hates poker, but we’ll still play. After about 45 minutes Jericho will have moved on to the pool table and we’ll continue with the poker game into the wee hours of the morning. Treek will beat Brett in poker by catching a diamond on the river to make his flush. Damn Treek, that guy always gets his card on the river.
3. I will spend more time on Sunday in the water than out of the water. I will scare beach goers with my offensively pasty complexion. A handful will wonder if I am foreign, a Swede perhaps.
4. Phil, the most unique breed of humans you’ll ever met, will amaze the rest of us by his pure stamina, energy, enthusiasm and charm. If Jim Thorpe, Joey Chestnut and Bea Arthur had a child it would be Phil. He truly is one-of-a-kind. He’s my early vote for weekend MVP.
5. One night we will call Gavin, Mark, Moody and Benny to give them the ‘what for.’ These are four dudes who should be coming with us this weekend but let their labia’s trip them up one way or another in the process.
6. I will put a significant dent into my fifth of Maker’s Mark and will proceed to sing Sublime at the top of my lungs by 11:30pm on Friday night. I will then call my wife, who will kindly ask me to not call her anymore that weekend after the sun has gone down. I’ll call her back within minutes to apologize.
7. Ten of us will show up at our 10pm steakhouse dinner reservation Saturday night. Mysteriously, only 8 of us will be left when the dinner is over. By the time we leave the casino that night to return home, there will only be 6 of us left. Myself, Jericho and Steener will definitely be in the final 6. Evan will be the first to disappear.
8. Jericho will wake up on Saturday afternoon THE most hungover person in the house. It’s just something he does. And this isn’t like glassy eyes, headache, grumpy hungover. No, this is a “won’t get out of bed until 4pm, won’t eat anything until 8pm, and won’t crack a beer until 8:01pm” type of hungover. This I would bet the farm on. I’d also bet the farm on Warren wearing those gay little plaid shorts he loves so much. He got them from LL Bean I think.
(This one isn’t a prediction. It’s just a topical gripe. Here’s a new rule for the office. No John Mayer can be played. Never, ever. There is nothing cool about John Mayer. Not his music, not his haircut, not his boyish charm. Play him at home when you’re lactating and watching Dr. Phil by your lonesome but not in the workplace, it’s inappropriate.)
9. I will shotgun a beer before noon on Sunday and be totally impressed with my finish time. I will then get a bit too excited and challenge other people to various contests for shot gunning and/or pounding beers. This will end quickly for me but will help make list item number 1 come true.
10. I will try my hardest not to be stuck in the room with bunk beds but will inevitably wind up on the top bunk for at least one night. Don will insist on having a bunk bed for the entire weekend. Listen, I hate bunk beds. I’ve never liked them. Ever since I was 10-years old and sat on the edge of the top bunk in my room with my brother while it came crashing down. It scared us half to death. Since then I’ve avoided bunk beds like the devil avoids Kurt Warner.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
by Magglio and Jericho
*Why does ESPN always insist on stupid geographical competitions which are nothing more than clever ways for their production teams to travel more often? I don’t give a shit where people thing “Titletown USA” is or who people think is the “Pigskin Capital” of our country. Not sure anyone cares really. Come to think of it, College Gameday is the same just without the online voting. Lee Corso’s frequent flier miles must be off the charts.
* So hot right now: Telling someone to “eat a bag of dicks”
* Hard Knocks on HBO deserves its own post. It is clearly THE best show on TV. Not sure you could argue otherwise. And did you see Ray-Rays appearance? Incredible. Can we please have a channel dedicated to a 24/7 live stream of Ray Ray? Why hasn’t this happened? His pep talk to his little brother gave me goosebumps. “Say yo prayers. Call yo mama. And play football.” That my friends is the gospel.
* You know what's stupid? The "I have no opinion" option in online polls. Why the fuck would you click on a poll if you have no opinion? That's like sitting down at a restaurant and telling the waiter, "nah, not hungry"
* So hot right now: Male lower back tattoos. Or, Man Stamps.
* Sleeper Fantasy Pick: Texans Defense
* Five post topics we scratched at the last minute in favor of this one:
1) Sisterhood of the travelling pants and its correlation with female menstruation patterns
2) Michelle Obama; I bet that bitch can paaaaaaaarty!
3) Washington at Oregon getting 13.5 points. Bet the farm or don’t be crazy?
4) Strippers for Jericho’s bachelor party this weekend…go to a club or order in?
5) Can I legally rename Patch “Sexy Jesus?”
* The Olympics are like pancakes, i always get really excited for them, love the shit out of the first 8-10 bites, but by the time I’m done I’m so bored I never want to eat them ever again.
* This year’s Vincent Jackson: Santonio Holmes
* Will Ken Burns direct the documentary "Ken Burns' Head: For a Guy With So Much Money, Why does He Always Look He Just Got Squeezed Out of a Butt?" or will he leave that for someone else?
* Sleeper Fantasy pick: Edgerran James. You can grab him in round 5. Keep in mind Morgan saw him when they came to Oakland however and said Edge looked like a pulling guard.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
1. Drafted 6 running backs to my fantasy team who aren’t starters on their own teams. Witness; Maurice Jones-Drew, Darren McFadden, Matt Forte, Andre Hall, Chris Perry and Brandon Jackson. What was I thinking?
2. Sat next to a knowledgable Tranny at the DMV as I waited for over 2 hours just to change the address on my car. This man bitch knew so much about San Francisco including “where to get free energy drinks” (union square every Wednesday around 1pm), “how to stop neighborhood cats from scratching on your tires (pour salt around the edges)” and, not surprisingly, where to find the best/sketchiest Vietnamese food. (Tu Lan on 6th and Market)…but you probably knew that already.
3. Got my picture taken with the Blue Jays’ mascot, got laughed at by a group of 8 year olds, then asked to leave after I told one of them they were gay.
4. Completely missed Michael Phelp’s record breaking 8th gold medal and Usain Bolt’s record shattering 100m dash.
5. Ate the best (and most expensive) meal of my life at The French Laundry. Seven courses, with wine pairings and a 20-year Tawny Port to finish. God Bless America.
6. Put money on the Chicago Bears to win less than 8 games (-160) and the Pittsburgh Steelers to win more than 9.5 games (+120).
7. Lost my phone. Again. (well, technically the last 2 times I broke it. This time it’s just gone. Completely.)
8. Watched AJ Burnett strike out 13 and Mark Scutaro (Scrooootaro!) double in the winning run as the Blue Jays beat the Yankees in Toronto. That’s right, I said Toronto. I’m surrounded by overly positive Canadians. It’s pretty sweet.
9. Party in Vegas till 7am. Wake up an hour later and got it started all over again. Sometimes I surprise even myself.
10. Read over 8 magazines over a span of 3 flights (Sports illustrated, ESPN, GQ, Vanity Fair, US Weekly, En Route (the official magazine of Air Canada), Men’s Health and Men’s Vogue.) I also watched countless hours of Ali G, stand up with Dave Attell and sadly Definitely, Maybe with Ryan Reynolds and that chubby kid from Little Miss Sunshine.
Monday, August 18, 2008
This month’s winner: Dr. Vonnie Wadkins
Company: Periodontal and Oral Operation Products (NYSE: POOP)
Headquarters: San Francisco, California
The Product: Craque Attaque
What it does: A powerful breath spray designed to fight plaque buildup in crack heads, a phenomenon the company has named: Craque. Strong enough to stop the spread of craque, but with a gentle garbage and asbestos flavor so it goes down smooth, Craque Attaque is preferred
five to one by crackies around the world.
Company tagline: Whaque Craque with Craque Attaque
Transcript of the interview:
A&M: First off, congratulations on this award. I hope you won’t mind a trophy instead of our normal plaque; we thought the irony would diminish the significance.
(Disclaimer: A&M does not actually give plaques or trophies to winners, but does have relationships with several plaque and trophy stores that offer winners a 15% discount. For a complete list of said stores please click here)
VW: Ha, yes, I understand that joke completely.
A&M: I noticed you had a few plaques in your foyer, do you ever shake your fist at them threateningly?
VW: Oh yes, I am always saying to them “straighten yourself out!” and “why are you crooked, Mr. Plaque!” Why just yesterday I said to our Dental Product of the Year Award plaque, “why are you always leaning to the left, what are you? My one cock and my three balls!?”
A&M: I want to get to the Craque Attaque, but three balls?
VW: Yes, that I know about. There may be more. In my old neighborhood they used to call me Vonnie Five Balls, but I think that was euphemistic for my juggling.
A&M: Ah, now we get to the good stuff. So the inventor of Craque Attaque is also an accomplished juggler?
VW: Well if you had nine balls you’d be a great juggler too.
A&M: Ah, well, I only have two balls, but they’re both nodding. Let’s move on, shall we? Tell us a little about yourself, how did you get your start in dental health?
VW: Well I should say at the start that I’m an inventor by trade; dentistry is more of a hobby.
A&M: Interesting. So what else have you invented that propelled you to this point?
VW: Have you heard of the HairMaster?
A&M: The wig company?
VW: No, no. The HairMaster is a Stairmaster that trims your pubic hair while you exercise. We also call it the Shape and Slim.
A&M: Oh, the S&S, sure.
VW: I also invented The Hooker Bat.
A&M: Hmmm, what’s that?
VW: It’s a bat for clubbing hookers in the head so you don’t have to pay them.
A&M: Okay. And how is The Hooker Bat different from a regular bat?
VW: Well, regular bats are made for hitting baseballs and softballs. This is very similar, similar build, similar material, except it’s made for hitting hookers.
A&M: Ah, I see. Important distinction.
VW: Very. We also have the Hooker Bat Lite. Which is very similar to the Hooker Bat, but it’s designed for when a hooker overcharges you.
A&M: Ah, so that’s more of a negotiation tool?
VW: Exactly. Sometimes you want to get out of paying all together and sometimes you just want to negotiate a better rate, either way we have the bat for your needs.
A&M: So all of your inventions have revolved around health to some degree, why crack head plaque?
VW: Well, I’d been living in San Francisco for about two months when I got the idea. I’d lived in big cities before, so crackies weren’t necessarily new to me, but the SF crackies were different, right away I noticed that -
A&M: That a majority of them are veterans or suffering from some kind of mental illness?
VW: No, that most of them were either losing their teeth or toothless all together.
VW: Which is quite gross. It’s one thing to be hassled for a change by a urine-drenched, masturbating whacko, I mean, no one likes that, but if you want to live in a progressive, incredibly rich city like San Francisco, you have to deal with that kind of stuff. And after all, who hasn’t pissed themselves while pulling one off and then needed bus fare? Sounds like a helluva Saturday night, actually. However, when the urine-drenched, masturbating whacko has bad teeth? Intolerable.
A&M: You are making a lot of sense right now, Vonnie Five Balls.
VW: Oh, I know it. So anyway, a lot of organizations were trying to feed or clothe the homeless, but no one was making any money. So I thought to myself, there is a huge market opportunity here, but it isn’t in getting them off the street, it’s in getting inside their mouths.
A&M: You realize of course those other organization you mentioned are non-profits, right?
VW: Yeah, no shit they’re non-profits! The CEO of one organization was driving a Volvo. A Volvo! I wouldn’t wipe my ass with a Volvo!
A&M: Excellent. So you recognized the problem, you coined the term Craque and then start developing Craque Attaque.
A&M: From an invention standpoint, it seems the biggest breakthrough you made was creating a spray that can reduce plaque. Typically, only regular brushing and flossing can address plaque issues, how did you invent a spray that can do the same?
VW: Well, our secrets are our secrets, Jericho, but I will say that not only is the proof in the pudding, but the proof is the pudding.
A&M: I have no idea what that means.
VW: You don’t have to. You don’t have to get on the bus or ride around on the bus to know that the bus exists and that it rides around even if you’re not on it.
A&M: Are you on crack right now?
VW: Crack? Please! I’m rich! I’m on a special combination of gold dust, albino alligator and baby.
A&M: Interesting. So, before we wrap up I wanted to quickly ask about how Craque Attaque is administered. It seems most crackies only want food or money and seem pretty reluctant to accepting care of any kind, how have you convinced them to use your product?
VW: Convinced?! You have no idea how our business model works do you?
A&M: Um, I thought I did. You sell to cities right? And their healthcare workers administer the spray on the street or at shelters, right?
VW: Hell no! You don’t make any money selling to cities, two nuts, we sell directly to private citizens.
A&M: Ah, ok, so private citizens can offer to help the people they see on the street?
VW: Well, I don’t know about offer – see the way it works, is that we sell Craque Attaque to private citizens who keep the spray on their person at all times, that way when a crackie approaches and asks for change or hassles you in some way you can spray it directly in their mouth.
A&M: Okay, so everyone can contribute to fighting the Craque problem.
VW: Sure, not only does the spray greatly combat the spread of Craque, but it also causes the crackie to convulse and pass out for a period of up to ten minutes, allowing you to continue on your way undeterred!
A&M: So, at the end of the day Craque Attaque is just mace?
VW: Ha, no, common mistake. Mace goes in the eyes and merely causes a mild stinging. We can actually knock the person out completely.
A&M: Okay, okay, now your business model makes complete sense. So, fighting Craque really is an ancillary goal?
VW: No, we don’t separate the two actually, that’s the genius of the product. Being able to contribute to the greater good and not have to stop your conversation to brush aside the closest crackie, everybody wins.
A&M: Even the crackies?
VW: Well sure, we’re saving their teeth after all. Besides, only one type of person should be toothless, Jericho.
VW: No, prostitutes.
VW: Oh yeah, that’s the only way to get gummy bears.
A&M: Gummy bears?
VW: You wouldn’t understand; you have to have at least 6 balls just to attempt it.
A&M: Fair enough.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Last week I was driving back from a meeting in the East Bay. I was listening to KNBR 680 ‘THE Sports Leader.” They were talking some sort of madness about Corey Maggette being the reason why the Warriors will be a serious Western Conference contender this year. You have to love local sports talk radio. But that’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing because during the commercial break they had a “special prize pack giveaway” to caller number 9. Having nothing else to do (besides drive), and using my handsfree device (because I’m a rule follower people!) I called in. Lo and behold Magglio was the lucky caller number 9. And what did I win for my deft ability to time a switchboard? Two tickets to see the Packers face the Niners in San Francisco. (pause for excitement). This Saturday. (Pause for disappointment because it’s a preseason game.) In the upper deck. (Pause for anger. How does a radio station give away upper deck seats. And at a pre-season game nonetheless.)
So – besides the fact that these tickets all around sucked more than Taylor Swift’s music interlude during the Olympics last night – I already had plans this Saturday. (more on that later in the week.) So I did what I normally would do in this situation. I opened them up to the community at-large; Craigslist.
Here was the posting:
49ers vs. Green Bay - 2 tickets - FREE - $1 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2008-08-12, 10:13PM PDT
I have 2 tickets to the Niners vs Packers on Saturday August 16th.
I cant make it
Seats are Section UR04, Row 07
These are free to a good home.
Tell me why you want them
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 794478621 *********
And here are some actual responses:
I'm a giant Favre fan, I will go there to scream and boo rodgers and mcCarthy, and hopefully Ted Thompson (pregame) as well. A lifelong fan and owner, I hate Ted for what he has done.
Thanks for considering me! I will pick up wherever you need me to be.Go Pack! Kelly
Dear Kelly – These tickets were all yours until you said you'd boo Aaron Rodgers. He's a local guy, a Pac-10 guy and we in the bay area support him whole heartedly. I understand what you say about Thompson and McCarthy, but this is not Rodgers' fault. I'm sorry, I cannot give my tickets to somebody who will be booing Aaron Rodgers. Go Niners. Go Pac-10.
Hi there, I will have them. Let me know your contacts. -Vik
Vik – I just recently switched to glasses. And only for distance. Or driving. So I don’t really wear them enough to warrant contacts. But as soon as I get some contacts I’d be happy to introduce you guys. -Mags
Hello. I saw your ad on craigslist and was wondering if the two tickets are available for the game. I would love to attend due to the fact that I have only been to one 49er game in my whole life. The other reason is that I am in college which means I have a very limited budget these days and I wouldn't of had a chance at going to a 49er game without the help of fans like yourself who would be willing to give away two tickets. I am hoping to attend the game with a friend of mine who is also an avid fan of the niners. Please consider me for the pair of tickets to the Green Bay vs 49ers game and I would be more than willing to meet to pick them up today if need be. Thanks in advance and I look forward to your reply. Greg
Greg – It’s painfully obvious you are a scalper. Fuck off. Magglio
i would love, love, love, love, love your tickets to the niner game this weekend!! i'm a huge 49er fan and I think aaron rodgers is totally hot. he was a few years ahead of me at cal.
also totally hot -> my girlfriend and I. we can send u pix in exchange for the tickets?
see my myspace site for a preview:
(the 16 and the 80 are for montana and rice!!)
let me know if you're interested
Um. Well. Um.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
We got carried away in our post yesterday and would like to explain. We don’t hate the French. In fact, we love the French. We love their wines, we love their women and we love their small point guards. Apologies if we’ve offended any of our friends in
(But fair warning. Don’t antagonize Michael Phelps. He’s dangerous as is already.)
Monday, August 11, 2008
by Magglio and Jericho
Last night's 4x100 relay
The Olympics are a little like march madness, in that for three weeks you care so, so much about something you ultimately don't care about. And I don't buy the patriotism thing either, I wish I could but when last night's relay was brought to you by Disney's " Beverly Hills Chihuahua" it sorta takes the piss outta the thing. With that said though, last night's race was one of the more exciting finishes I think you'll ever see. Besides, we may not be able to rally around our love for America, but we can definitely rally around our collective hatred for the French.
Paris Hilton's response to the McCain ad
Jericho: Paris Hilton’s response to the McCain ad
Magglio: I don’t want to write about that one. You write something.
Jericho: You love her though.
Magglio: Yeah, but I had no opinion about that video beyond how smoking hot she looked. Jericho: Cool
Fantasy Football Drafts
Fantasy Football drafts are kind of like getting married on a blind date. you have an idea of what you want and don't want, you hope for the best, but ultimately, regardless of how it all plays out, you're stuck with these fucks for the foreseeable future. I am so excited / terrified for my draft i can barely move.
The US Women’s Gymnastics team
I want to nail ‘em. All of ‘em. Not sure what it is about these chicks. They’re not that cute but there’s just something about how compact they are, those shimmering red unitards and the fact that they could treat me like a pommel horse. I want to nail ‘em all. The big one that looks like a linebacker. The skinny blonde one who’s so serious. The tall one that looks like a Cheshire cat. Hell, even the old lady who speaks broken English and air kisses them on the cheek when they’re done. As long as she wears that little white official Olympic Team USA jumpsuit then I want to nail her too.
Jericho’s two cents: I like how some have boobs and some don't which means the star giggles a little bit for some of them.
President George W. Bush at the Olympics being interviewed by Bob Costas:
I lived in a house with a couple of buddies once and we had the sketchiest landlord of all time. The place was incredible, great view, sick house, but the experience is totally tainted by how fucking skeevy our landlord was. So, anyway, when we were moving out, we cleaned the absolute shit out of the place, knowing that he was just dying to find a hair someplace and dock $500 off our deposit. I cleaned my room like a fucking mad man, not sure if I’ve ever cleaned a place that much before or since. So, I’m the last one there, the house is done, the keys are about to be dropped off. I don't know what came over me, but I went back in, went back to my room and took a piss in my closet. And this is basically Bush's approach to the last 4 months of his presidency. He's smirking and doing that weird laugh where only his shoulders move and saying, "fuck it, you deal with it.”
The 49ers’ quarterback situation
I’m going to save most of my thoughts on this for A&M's annual NFL preview, but I will say this about the Niners, Martz and the QB’s: have you ever seen the devil's own? The Brad Pitt and Harrison Ford cop movie? It's a great premise, Irish mobster in NY is befriended by an old, Irish cop - everything seemed great, except for one thing: Brad Pitt can do Irish accents like I can shit money. Wrong actor in the wrong movie at the wrong time. That basically sums up SF's QB situation, I'll let you guess which QB is Pitt and which QB is Pitt's accent.
Friday, August 8, 2008
As you’ll have noted from Magglio’s post on Wednesday, it’s been an up and down week. On the plus side, the Olympics are starting, the bullshit Favre saga is over and the Dark Knight is tearing up the box office like a priest at a Boy Scout camp. On the other hand, I’ve been working on a massive document this week that hit its 40th page yesterday – 40th! – I set a new personal record by working until 11pm last night and, as Magglio mentioned, I got attacked by fucking bees. What the fuck!? There are bees in San Francisco?! Goddamn fucking bees, why haven’t we killed them yet? Why do we still have bugs on this planet? Can someone answer that for me please? Let me get this straight, we can solve a crime with a fucking toe hair, we can make square, seedless watermelons, but we still have mosquitoes? How the fuck does that make sense?
Anyway, here’s a few things I’m thankful and god-awfully pissed about this week:
Fuck You, Cicle Family.
Let me explain. So, there’s this family with the last name Cicle. There’s the dad, Pops Cicle and his hyperactive, non-stop wife named Motor. They have three kids, two girls and a boy. The first daughter dates both men and women and her name is Bi Cicle, the other daughter had a drug problem and a tattoo on her forearm that reads “I’ll do anything once” – her name is Try Cicle. The boy, who has this annoying habit of repeating everything back to you, is named is Re Cicle and he has an annoying habit of repeating everything. So anyway, the Cicle family went to see Taxi Driver, the movie with Travis Bickle, but rather than popcorn they got a pickle, and while they were tickled when Bickle rescued the girl, they all wished he’s put down the gun and use a sickle.
I mean, fuck the Cicle Family, right?
Thank You, Packers Organization.
You played the Favre situation perfectly and absolutely knocked the trade out of the park. I like Favre and enjoy watching him play, I mean after all, he’s like a kid out there! But I’ve been on Green Bay’s side 100000% since this shit started. Favre held them hostage every singe year, flirting with retirement and deciding later and later each year if he would come back. How can you blame the organization for pushing him to make his decision earlier? Switching QBs is the hardest move in sports – it completely changes the personality and identity of your entire team. And yes, Favre made hundreds of millions of dollars for the team and the city, I respect that, but he also made a few hundred himself, so I don’t think the organization “owes him” squat. You do everything you can to honor your legends, but not at the expense of the team and the season. Congrats, GB, you played this fucking perfectly, getting a 3rd and maybe a 2nd rd pick for someone that was never going to play for your franchise again is like having a girl that you secretly hate break up with you and then give you seven amazing porns as a parting gift. Fucking score!
Fuck You, Doctors.
You know what pisses me off? When doctors suggest performing a treatment and then get miffed when you ask them how much it costs. Fuck you, lab coat, yeah you went to a lot of school, yes you’re serving the “greater good” whatever the fuck that means, but at the end of the day all you’re doing is providing a service. You’re a glorified refrigerator repairman, you fuck! “Well, I don’t know, you’ll have to ask someone at the desk about that.” Fuck off! Don’t propose something you don’t know how everything about, that’s like a waiter getting pissy and saying, “I obviously wouldn’t know about that, you’ll have to ask someone in the check-making department.” And another thing, why do I have to take my pants off? You take your fucking pants off!
Thank You, Dark Knight
For completing obliterating almost every box office record in existence. Un fucking believable. The Dark Knight crossed the $400 million marker in 18 days, completely horse fucking the previous record, Shrek 2 passing the mark in 43 days. 43! OK, OK, where do we go from here? #2 overall is all but locked up, can it challenge Titanic’s $600? 10 days ago I would’ve said no chance, but I’m starting to alter my thinking here a bit. On it’s current pace, The Dark Knight should top out somewhere between $485-$515, good for second place but still well short of Titanic’s mark. Here’s the wild card though: The Oscars. The movie is well-reviewed enough, respected enough and making enough money (don’t discount the box office’s sway on the voters) that it has a very realistic chance of being the first comic book movie nominated for Best Pic. If this happens and the movie can get a second wave it is very, very possible that it surpasses Titanic. Is this great or what?
Fuck You, Russia
For attacking Georgia. Hot-lanta, Savannah, OutKast, Greg Maddux, Calvin Johnson, Otis Nixon, Terry Pendleton, what the fuck did the Peach State do to you? That Cold War thing was one thing, but Georgia? Why the hell would you – what’s that? Say that again? Oh, they’re attacking Georgia the country? Well, shit! Why didn’t you say so? Knock yourself out, Russia!
Thank You, Clay Aiken’s Baby.
For introducing the phrase “platonic baby-making partner” into the lexicon. Now that, my friends, is the greatest indie band name of all time.
Fuck You, Hamm’s Ankle and Hamm’s Hamstring
For ruining the American’s chance at a gold medal in men’s gymnastics. Man, both brothers go down a week apart from each other that is fucking heartbreaking. In other news Hamm pulling out with a hamstring injury has officially replaced German luger Eberhard Kotinzipper having to miss the ’92 winter games after he zipped up too fast and cut the tip off his englehorn, as the most ironic Olympics injury of all time.
Thank You, Cindy Crawford
For just being so smoking hot. I can still remember being 13, seeing this for the first time and actually hearing my dick say, “hey, why don’t you go to your room and pull on me really hard 500 times?” Flash forward 15 years later and you are still one of the hottest birds around. Thanks!
Fuck You, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
For just being so goddamn dumb. Let’s forget that this story revolves around 4 girls who share a pair of jeans that magically fits them all. This has to be the worst title of all time, am I wrong? That’s really the best they could come up with? Gross, dude. This isn’t even shit, it's worse than shit, it’s the shit that your shit shits out. I mean, if your shit could shit, it would shit this shit. Right?
Thank You, Jonas Brothers
For helping me to stop fantasizing about Miley Cyrus, which always made me feel sick and weird, but you three, with your well-washed hair and irreverent vests, I want to put on same Hanson, line you up like little scoops of ice cream and nail you until I pull something. I feel great about this fantasy, thanks guys!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Today was a rollercoaster ride. I had some pretty high highs and some pretty low lows. One minute I was king of the world the next I was nothing more than a damsel in distress. I kept track. Cause that’s what I do. Here’s a recap of my ups and downs on this lovely Wednesday….
Our very own Jericho got swarmed and stung by a rabid pack of angry bees this morning. He was stung somewhere between 8-10 times including one on his head. All day I had to deal with IMs like “my head’s throbbing fag” and “remember when I got stung by bees fag?”
It’s Sports Illustrated and US Weekly day! I’m man enough to admit that I read US Weekly but I always get sloppy seconds on that one. The SI? That’s all mine. There’s something so refreshing about being the first to read a magazine. I’ve been parading mine around tonight like it was the fucking prom queen. Washington is ranked 70th overall in the preseason poll. I’ve yet to find if Jake Locker is getting Heisman mention in the issue. He sure as shit better be.
The mold growing out of the garbage when we got home tonight. We found the root of the problem. Corn on the cob. Or, just the cob. But before you think that we’re messy please note we had corn on Monday night. That’s two days. Who knew that mold could grow like that after just two days.
The red, white and blue sweatband we plan to put around Patch’s mid-section all day on Friday to commemorate the start of the Olympic games. We also decided that we’re gonna playing drinking games during the opening ceremonies. The only rule we have so far is to take a drink anytime they show an Asian person.
My motherfucking calculator. I’m telling ya, at work I have the worst calculator in the history of the world. This is the kind of calculator that doesn’t register unless you hit the button straight on. And when I calculate, I calculate like nobody’s business. So I need something that can keep up. Luckily I don’t have to calculate often in my job. Thanks to Dan for letting me get up on his TI original circa 1993. Now that’s a fucking calculator.
Tonight we’ve got Project Runway and Hard Knocks. Let me explain, in plain English, my thoughts on these two shows. Project Runway is cool. I like fashion, I like the creativity in clothing and yes I know how gay that sounds. However, Hard Knocks on HBO is in my top 5 favorite television shows ever made. It’s fucking brilliant. I heard a rumor my friend Andy doesn’t have HBO so he won’t see it. Well guess what Andy? I called Comcast today, they can hook that shit up in about 30 seconds so now you have no excuse. This goes for all of you out there. If you’re not watching Hard Knocks this season you are officially uninvited from reading this blog. You heard me. Move along. I’m sure the hand jobs over at TellHimFred.com would rather have you.
My phone, as in where it landed after I launched it when I got home. I’m a relatively chill guy. I keep my cool in 98% of all situations. But when my bus ride home takes an extra 30 minutes and consists of me jammed up against weirdos, homeless crack heads and pervy old dudes then sometimes that 2% rears it’s ugly head. Now I gotta go get a new phone. So, if you’ve tried to call or text me in the last few hours I’m sorry. I gotta go pay a visit to Verizon tomorrow.
My current mood. My outlook on tomorrow. My excitement for the rest of this month and the rest of this year. Things are looking good. And maybe it’s because I have Conor Oberst’s album playing in the background but things are definitely looking up.
“If I go to heaven I’ll be bored as hell/like a crying baby at the bottom of a well.”
Apples & Moustaches are unavailable to post at this time because Timmy is pitching. First pitch is 12:45pm and the Giants are going for the series win against the d-bag Braves. If you’d like to watch at home or in the office click here, here or here.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Tonight's original post was deleted. This is the replacement post. In a focus group of one the original post was deemed 'not up to par' with what I normally write. So I scrapped it. And now I'm left with this. A picture of Paris Hilton and a list of 10 things I hope to accomplish tomorrow.
So, here goes my impromptu manifesto.
Tomorrow, I will…
1. Ride the bus to and from work without touching any of the hand rails. But I will still lather myself in Purell when I’m done.
2. Walk to and from lunch without being asked for spare change.
3. Buy Conor Oberst’s new CD. Damn that dude is talented.
4. Research about Matt Forte to find out if he’s really worth the hype.
5. Plan my outfit for my Friday night tribute to America. It is opening ceremonies. Pay attention.
6. Pack my lunch. Then eat my lunch. Then decide it wasn’t enough and go out to lunch. I got a pant size to live up to, come on.
7. Laugh at my friends who update their Facebook status…then update my Facebook status.
8. Fantasize about Jake Locker, Patrick Willis and James Jones. Not like that…you sick fuck.
9. Claim that my favorite movies of all time include Fight Club, Requiem for a Dream, The Usual Suspects and A Bronx Tale.
10. Call Comcast to get HBO set up again. Because Wednesday starts the new season of Hard Knocks. By far the best tv show in the history of the universe.
Friday, August 1, 2008
It’s hard to break away to post some days. But you know what? We’re dedicated to making that happen. Dedicated to getting our words down on paper. Dedicated to sharing our viewpoint on life with our tens and tens of readers. Jericho can’t join us this afternoon; he’s on his way to Seattle. You see, Jericho is about to get married. So he’s got a mess of showers, parties, festivities to take care of. (Just wait KK you’ll see how it goes.) But don’t worry, I’m here. And here’s what’s on my mind today:
***Elliott Smith is pure genius. Take any one of his albums and I promise it’s complete all the way thorough. Anytime I go to a concert, right before the main act takes the stage, I have this weird habit of imagining who I wish was taking the stage. Often times it’s the White Stripes. Sometimes it’s Sublime (if I’ve had a bunch of drinks). Sometimes it’s TV on the Radio (if I’ve had a few rips.) But lately it’s been Elliott Smith. I’m not trying to sensationalize his death or make him into a martyr. But I’m sure he’d be sensational live.* I’m seeing Bright Eyes tomorrow night at Bottom of the Hill. Actually, he’s playing as Conor Oberst. Whatever.
***Nothing better than a new bar of soap. Am I wrong? And at the same time nothing worse then getting into the shower with just a sliver of soap. You know who notices this? Guys do. Girls don’t. They use those poofy things and body wash. You have to write body wash in italics. That’s just the rules. And if you’re reading this out loud say body wash like you’re wearing nothing but a robe and swirling some good port. Go on, try it.
***We’ve been getting some traffic from this site - 23 thoughts . Not sure who this dude is or how he found out about us. I read some of his stuff. He’s a Yankees fan which is a plus. Not a lot of F words. Not a lot of pictures of chicks. But a whole lot of sports. This blog is officially on our watch list for the next few days before we’re ready for the full endorsement. Let us know what you think.
***I got hit on last night by a dude. This is rare for me. I never get hit on by dudes. Jericho on the other hand? He’s a dude magnet. It must be the gay little outfits he puts together. But me? Never. So it was strange. It was on the bus. I thought it was just casual conversation. Till the guy followed me to the end of the bus and wanted to know where I lived. That’s when I was saved by the exit. Thankfully. Totally weird. And he was pretty fat. So it wasn’t even flattering.
***Lincecum is on the hill tonight. He’s one of the top 4 best pitchers in baseball. Hamels, Webb, Volquez and Lincecum. Not in that order of course. I’d love to see him lock down a Cy Young…wouldn’t we all?
*Special thanks to That Guy they call RY for burning every single Elliot Smith album for me way back when.