Monday, August 18, 2008

Apples and Moustaches Entrepreneur of the Month Award

*Note: each month Apples and Moustaches showcases one of the brightest, bravest and boldest members of the entrepreneurial community. Nominations forms are submitted by a third party and A&M selects the winner based on a series of criteria ranging from ingenuity to marketability to the average breast size of the employees.

This month’s winner: Dr. Vonnie Wadkins
Title: Founder and Chief Science Officer
Company: Periodontal and Oral Operation Products (NYSE: POOP)
Headquarters: San Francisco, California
Employees: 468
The Product: Craque Attaque
What it does: A powerful breath spray designed to fight plaque buildup in crack heads, a phenomenon the company has named: Craque. Strong enough to stop the spread of craque, but with a gentle garbage and asbestos flavor so it goes down smooth, Craque Attaque is preferred
five to one by crackies around the world.
Company tagline: Whaque Craque with Craque Attaque

Transcript of the interview:

A&M: First off, congratulations on this award. I hope you won’t mind a trophy instead of our normal plaque; we thought the irony would diminish the significance.

(Disclaimer: A&M does not actually give plaques or trophies to winners, but does have relationships with several plaque and trophy stores that offer winners a 15% discount. For a complete list of said stores please click here)

VW: Ha, yes, I understand that joke completely.

A&M: I noticed you had a few plaques in your foyer, do you ever shake your fist at them threateningly?

VW: Oh yes, I am always saying to them “straighten yourself out!” and “why are you crooked, Mr. Plaque!” Why just yesterday I said to our Dental Product of the Year Award plaque, “why are you always leaning to the left, what are you? My one cock and my three balls!?”

A&M: I want to get to the Craque Attaque, but three balls?

VW: Yes, that I know about. There may be more. In my old neighborhood they used to call me Vonnie Five Balls, but I think that was euphemistic for my juggling.

A&M: Ah, now we get to the good stuff. So the inventor of Craque Attaque is also an accomplished juggler?

VW: Well if you had nine balls you’d be a great juggler too.

A&M: Ah, well, I only have two balls, but they’re both nodding. Let’s move on, shall we? Tell us a little about yourself, how did you get your start in dental health?

VW: Well I should say at the start that I’m an inventor by trade; dentistry is more of a hobby.

A&M: Interesting. So what else have you invented that propelled you to this point?

VW: Have you heard of the HairMaster?

A&M: The wig company?

VW: No, no. The HairMaster is a Stairmaster that trims your pubic hair while you exercise. We also call it the Shape and Slim.

A&M: Oh, the S&S, sure.

VW: I also invented The Hooker Bat.

A&M: Hmmm, what’s that?

VW: It’s a bat for clubbing hookers in the head so you don’t have to pay them.

A&M: Okay. And how is The Hooker Bat different from a regular bat?

VW: Well, regular bats are made for hitting baseballs and softballs. This is very similar, similar build, similar material, except it’s made for hitting hookers.

A&M: Ah, I see. Important distinction.

VW: Very. We also have the Hooker Bat Lite. Which is very similar to the Hooker Bat, but it’s designed for when a hooker overcharges you.

A&M: Ah, so that’s more of a negotiation tool?

VW: Exactly. Sometimes you want to get out of paying all together and sometimes you just want to negotiate a better rate, either way we have the bat for your needs.

A&M: So all of your inventions have revolved around health to some degree, why crack head plaque?

VW: Well, I’d been living in San Francisco for about two months when I got the idea. I’d lived in big cities before, so crackies weren’t necessarily new to me, but the SF crackies were different, right away I noticed that -

A&M: That a majority of them are veterans or suffering from some kind of mental illness?

VW: No, that most of them were either losing their teeth or toothless all together.

A&M: Ah.

VW: Which is quite gross. It’s one thing to be hassled for a change by a urine-drenched, masturbating whacko, I mean, no one likes that, but if you want to live in a progressive, incredibly rich city like San Francisco, you have to deal with that kind of stuff. And after all, who hasn’t pissed themselves while pulling one off and then needed bus fare? Sounds like a helluva Saturday night, actually. However, when the urine-drenched, masturbating whacko has bad teeth? Intolerable.

A&M: You are making a lot of sense right now, Vonnie Five Balls.

VW: Oh, I know it. So anyway, a lot of organizations were trying to feed or clothe the homeless, but no one was making any money. So I thought to myself, there is a huge market opportunity here, but it isn’t in getting them off the street, it’s in getting inside their mouths.

A&M: You realize of course those other organization you mentioned are non-profits, right?

VW: Yeah, no shit they’re non-profits! The CEO of one organization was driving a Volvo. A Volvo! I wouldn’t wipe my ass with a Volvo!

A&M: Excellent. So you recognized the problem, you coined the term Craque and then start developing Craque Attaque.

VW: Yes.

A&M: From an invention standpoint, it seems the biggest breakthrough you made was creating a spray that can reduce plaque. Typically, only regular brushing and flossing can address plaque issues, how did you invent a spray that can do the same?

VW: Well, our secrets are our secrets, Jericho, but I will say that not only is the proof in the pudding, but the proof is the pudding.

A&M: I have no idea what that means.

VW: You don’t have to. You don’t have to get on the bus or ride around on the bus to know that the bus exists and that it rides around even if you’re not on it.

A&M: Are you on crack right now?

VW: Crack? Please! I’m rich! I’m on a special combination of gold dust, albino alligator and baby.

A&M: Interesting. So, before we wrap up I wanted to quickly ask about how Craque Attaque is administered. It seems most crackies only want food or money and seem pretty reluctant to accepting care of any kind, how have you convinced them to use your product?

VW: Convinced?! You have no idea how our business model works do you?

A&M: Um, I thought I did. You sell to cities right? And their healthcare workers administer the spray on the street or at shelters, right?

VW: Hell no! You don’t make any money selling to cities, two nuts, we sell directly to private citizens.

A&M: Ah, ok, so private citizens can offer to help the people they see on the street?

VW: Well, I don’t know about offer – see the way it works, is that we sell Craque Attaque to private citizens who keep the spray on their person at all times, that way when a crackie approaches and asks for change or hassles you in some way you can spray it directly in their mouth.

A&M: Okay, so everyone can contribute to fighting the Craque problem.

VW: Sure, not only does the spray greatly combat the spread of Craque, but it also causes the crackie to convulse and pass out for a period of up to ten minutes, allowing you to continue on your way undeterred!

A&M: So, at the end of the day Craque Attaque is just mace?

VW: Ha, no, common mistake. Mace goes in the eyes and merely causes a mild stinging. We can actually knock the person out completely.

A&M: Okay, okay, now your business model makes complete sense. So, fighting Craque really is an ancillary goal?

VW: No, we don’t separate the two actually, that’s the genius of the product. Being able to contribute to the greater good and not have to stop your conversation to brush aside the closest crackie, everybody wins.

A&M: Even the crackies?

VW: Well sure, we’re saving their teeth after all. Besides, only one type of person should be toothless, Jericho.

A&M: Babies?

VW: No, prostitutes.

A&M: Really?

VW: Oh yeah, that’s the only way to get gummy bears.

A&M: Gummy bears?

VW: You wouldn’t understand; you have to have at least 6 balls just to attempt it.

A&M: Fair enough.

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