Keep your love locked down

Apple
Jericho is not at work today. I could rip my eyeballs out with boredom. See, we chat on IM all day long. Now before you go off thinking I’m a total slap dick, I’m not. I get a lot of shit done throughout the day. But every now and then I like to check ESPN and discuss with Jericho. Or get a stupid email and make fun of the person with Jericho. Or get offered Maurice Morris and Julius Jones for the umpteenth time and need to tell Jericho how fucking stupid people in our fantasy football league are. Yup. Pretty standard stuff. Nice way to pass the day that guy is.


Moustache
We put our dog to sleep today. I'm pretty bummed about it too. No, not Patch…but our family dog, Annie. Annie was almost 14 years old. She smelled awful, she was cranky and walked with a limp straight outta a Ma$e video. But damnit if I didn’t love that dog. My little brother will be the most upset by this. He loved Annie more than anyone else and he was only 7 when we got her. It’s tough to hear that kind of stuff. Family dogs are pretty special animals. I’m gonna miss her when I go home for Thanksgiving.


Apple
Obama’s got a tall climb ahead of him, this much I know for sure. He’s got the momentum and the support but I don’t wish this type of task upon anyone. People believe in him and want to see our country turned around. I just wonder how much of a leash they’ll give him. Is this Mike Holmgren in Seattle leniency? Where he can fuck around for years without repercussions? Or is this Marty Schotteinhemier in San Diego where he’ll be lambasted after a 14-2 season?


Moustache
Top 3 albums I can’t stop listening to:

• TV on the Radio – Dear Science
• The Doors – Absolutely Live
• Kanye West – Love Lockdown (ok, this is just a single, but it’s banging)
  

Apple
Ugly chicks shouldn’t wear Tory Burch flats. Not sure why, but this makes sense in my head. I was walking down the street and saw a pair of Tory Burch black flats and looked up and saw this broke ass chick. She was kicked liked the WWE’s China. The whole thing just made me uncomfortable. If you’re gonna wear those Tory Burch flats, and you’re not cute, then at least have some style when you’re hoof stomping around. '


Moustache
Dear Tahoe Santa – The level of excitement I have to see you this weekend is immeasurable. If it was measurable it would be the equivalent of when Yao returned home to China after his rookie season in the NBA and there were all those crazy Chinese people tearing at his clothes and crying and hoping to just get to touch him any part of him. I just want to touch you Tahoe. Any part of you. Is that weird?


Apple
Kendra, the smoking hot chick from Girls Next Door is engaged to Hank Baskett of the Philadelphia Eagles. Kendra obviously doesn’t play fantasy football or she woulda dropped him about 6 weeks ago. Try Bernard Berrian Kendra? Is he single? He’s on fire.



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A few football thoughts before we go celebrate

Titans being 8-0
Magglio alluded to this earlier and I’m willing to listen to counter arguments on this one, but the Titans do not look like a team that can make a deep playoff run to me. They run and stop the run, key ingredients to winning a Bowl, but at some point Kerry Collins is going to have to make a play to win and I don’t think he does it. I watched the entire Titans / Packers game on Sunday and was struck by three things: 1) Albert Haynesworth is the scariest guy on the entire planet. I would rather blow Kimbo Slice, bite his tip off, spit it in his face and say “let’s see what you got, pussy cookie!” then fuck with Haynesworth. Did you see when he dropped back into coverage and batted a ball down!? Holy fucking shit. 2) Chris Johnson is the real fucking deal – he’ll be a good player for a long time. 3) Collins has the slowest, largest windup of any QB I’ve ever seen (sorry, Byron, you’ve been bumped to #2) and if a team can put pressure on him, which hasn’t happened yet all season, Collins will crap himself like he always fucking does. I did a little research on this; do you realize that the Titans have only played one team that ranks in the top 10 in sacks (Minnesota at #8)? In fact, of the 8 teams they’ve beaten, 6 rank dead last in sacks (KC = 32, Cincy = 31, Jax = 30, Indy = 29, Hou = 28, GB, 27)? Can you smell what I’m cooking here? There a good football team no doubt, and they have one of the best coaches in the league, but Kerry Collins and Kerry Collin’s vagina is the elephant’s vagina in the room here. Watch them meet up with someone like the Steelers in the playoffs and watch Collins put the diarrhea in diarrhea sandwich.

Browns going to Quinn
It never ceases to amaze how dumb the people who run NFL teams can be; this week’s dumb shit fucking ass move is the Browns giving Quinn his first start during a short week (the Browns play the Broncos on Thursday night). Look, I’m completely fine with starting Quinn, let’s see what you’ve got here, but why not wait until next week and give him extra practice / prep before he makes his debut. He hasn’t worked with the 1st team offense since the preseason and now they are giving him one practice before sending him out? That’s completely fucking moronic. You know the old adage about how the best thing for a young QB is a running game? That’s true of course, but even more important for a young QB: confidence. If you don’t think Quinn’s confidence is down after sliding to #21 and then watching Anderson light it up last year then you’re dumb enough to think starting him this week is a good idea. Young QBs are like virgins on prom night. You want to fuck them and they want to fuck you, but you gotta lube it up!

Romeo Crennel
In related Browns news, when a coach holds a press conference to announce that the backup is starting the next game and then spends 20 minutes reaffirming the fact that this was his decision and not the fans, there’s a 10000000000% chance he’s getting fired in the offseason. No big deal though. Now that Crennel has crossed “head coach of an NFL team” off his bucket list, he can move on to the next item: playing Reginald VelJohnson in a TV movie about all the drama behind the scenes during the making of Family Matters. You see he invested his entire Browns Salary in a run of “WWRVJD?” bracelets, and goddamn it those things are gonna sell! (P.S. #3 and #4 on his bucket list: 3 = see penis. 4 = hit penis against thigh while playing show tunes on the kazoo and go on the road and cheer up sick children under the name “Slap Happy.”)


The Horror! The Horror!
This is just not my year for football, the combined record of the teams I love (Seahawks, Huskies) and team I hate with a passion but am forced to follow b/c I’ve got nothing else to do (Niners, Raiders and my fantasy team) is a putrid 9-32. 9-32! The best of the worst is my barely breathing 4-5 fantasy team – and I start Pennington and Kevin Faulk for goddamn fuck’s sake! Having a 4-5 fantasy team with Pennington and Faulk as the one saving grace of your football season is akin to having a masturbating homeless guy as the one perk to living in your neighborhood. Sure, the place is moldy, the rent is too high and there’s been six break-ins in the last month, but ‘ol Willy Wanker and the Spanklate Factory, he really makes up for it!

USA! USA!

We’ve been slacking. This I know. No excuses. There’s stuff going on. If you’ve stuck with us, then we love you. If you’re just checking in after a few weeks off then blow me. And if you’re voting for McCain tomorrow then we don’t see eye-to-eye to say the least. On the eve of election night, I’ve got a few Apples & Moustaches for you. Let’s dance.


Apple
I went to the Raider game yesterday. Holy shit that was bad football. What’s the worst part about sitting through a 24-0 half where the home team has a total of -6 yards and 0 first downs? Watching a second half where nothing happens. Seriously, nothing happened. The final score was 24-0. It was beyond awful. And I’m not even a Raider fan. Somebody asked me today if JaMarcus Russell was really terrible. I honestly didn’t know how to address the question. The whole team was so awful there wasn’t any one person to pin the blame on. I started yelling for them to put Tui in about mid way through the 2nd quarter.


Moustache
If you haven’t heard/seen this…then please do. Classic. She’s such a hick. (thanks mooch)



Apple
The Steelers are a solid football team. A really solid football team. I think their record suffers this year from having the toughest schedule in the league. Tonight they proved that they are in fact a true force to be reckoned with. My prediction for the Super Bowl? Pittsburgh vs. Arizona. No chance the Titans make it. As my homosexual blog mate Jericho correctly stated, one of these days Kerry Collins is going to be asked to make a play to win a game. Nuff said.


Moustache
My Dad made a cool statement tonight about the election. He said every 4 years he's always voted for the lesser of two evils. Nobody actually liked Al Gore or John Kerry. We were just forced to vote for them because they weren't as big a nut sack as the other guy. But this year is different. Obama is different. He talks different, he listens different and he looks different. This is someone to rally behind and believe in. Not just an old white guy talking about the same old stuff just slightly different then the last guy. Good observation Dad.


Apple
How smooth was Obama on MNF tonight? He’s so in touch with what’s going on. His answers were well thought out and aware. McCain’s answers were canned, they came off like your senile 73-year old grandfather who got into the liquor cabinet and when he imitated Chris Berman with his ‘back, back, back’ it was just painful. Even Berman was fake laughing. Talk about knowing your audience, Obama’s answer to institute a playoff in college football was dead on. McCain’s answer about steroids was so forced, so out of date, it hurt. It hurt like my head will Wednesday morning after partying with my fellow San Franciscans. Cause when Obama takes this thing, the roof is gonna blow off this motherfucker.


Now go vote!

Pumpkin Patch

I never thought I'd be that guy. But there I was. Scrambling through a bin of pet costumes frantically looking for a small sized pumpkin outfit. In my humble opinion, it was the find of the century. Are you kidding me? Look at that dog. It's adorable. Sure, the hat is a bit small and it kinda looks like a Yarmulke (so much so we've come to call him the Halloween Rabbi) but adorable, none the less.

Happy Halloween.



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A Royall Tale

Humor me for a minute as I regale you with a mythical story.

A long, long time ago in the hills of Sardania, there was a handsome, virile, vigorous young man named Yarlo Choilrej. Yarlo had recently matured into manhood and was quickly proving to be the most trusted, the most feared and the bravest warrior in his village and arguably the entire country. Like all young men of this time, Yarlo yearned for a life of adventure, an opportunity to prove his mettle to the Gods, the prospect of dying nobly, or better yet, retiring to a life of fortune amid the esteem of his people and the vaginal admiration worthy of such a hero.

Unfortunately for Yarlo, there were no great wars, no skirmishes, no battles to prove his worth. There were contests and competitions - which he won so repeatedly and so handily that men stopped entering – but he knew, as did the people around him, that legends are not made from these pursuits. Yarlo prayed incessantly for the chance to distinguish himself amongst the legends and heroes that had come before him; for it can be said that never having an opportunity is even worse than dying dishonorably.

He had everything except his great victory. He had bested his peers, his legend was known as far as a man could walk, but he had never tasted the blood of a worthy enemy. He was handsome, athletic, gifted at strategy; women panted at his entrance, man bowed at his exit, but yet, there was no title, no trophy and nothing to signify his otherworldly greatness other than the whispers of children and the empty platitudes of sycophantic men.

What does this story ultimately mean? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. But it’s the only thing that calms me down when I think about how fucking awful I am at fantasy football.

Thursday Thoughts

Apple
Why do people always hype up “steel cut” when they’re selling oatmeal? Why does this matter? Does anyone really care about the apparatus used to cut (not cook, or even serve, both of which seem much more important) their breakfast? “Turkey Sandwich with dirt-grown tomatoes.” “127 beers on tap, all served in water-washed glasses.” “Horny secretaries covered in testicle-generated spunk.”

Moustache
The NFL playing a game in Europe is the most obvious, self-aggrandizing since Michael Jackson named his son Prince Michael. Do the Brits really care about the NFL? Are we bringing over announces too? We’re not leaving this in English hands are we? “LaDainian Tomlinson just wholly whocked that defenseman, he made him look he was two tassels short of a tassel collection.” Viability of that aside, I’ll tell you one thing, when England returns the favor and hosts an unimportant regular season matchup of two very average cricket teams at the Rose Bowl, I will fucking WALK there if I have to!

Apple
Honestly, is there anything more moronic than the graphic ESPN showed during MNF comparing Brady’s first six starts to Cassel’s? There’s a certain “it” factor to NFL quarterbacks, a swagger, a confidence that when you walk into that huddle all 10 guys know, not think, know they’re going to win. Brady has it. Peyton has it. Jeff fucking Garcia has it. Young guys like Trent Edwards and Matt Ryan have it. Cassel does not. You can’t teach it, you can’t coach it, like big, beautiful natural C cups. You can fake it, you can work out and get great legs and a great ass, but if you ain’t born w/ beautiful, naturals Cs, you ain’t gettin em. The most telling play happened at the 3 minute mark in the 2nd quarter – 3rd and 10 from NE’s own 12 – Cassel drops back, throws a duck and then is absolutely raped by the OLB. Roughing the passer, 15 yards. The thing is, when that happened, I looked at Cassel and thought, “you lucky fuck.” If that were Brady, I would’ve been thinking, “man, how good is Brady, he totally drew that flag.” You see the difference?

Moustache
Let me ask you this, if you’re Larry Johnson, why wouldn’t you be spitting on bitches? I mean, name me one woman who has ran for over 1,500 yards in an NFL season? Exactly. Here was Herm’s response when asked about the situation, “You spit on bitches to prove a point! Hello! You spit to prove a point! You don’t spit to just spit! That’s the great thing about spitting. You spit they listen. I don’t care if she’s not listening, you spit to make her listen!”

Apple
How long until we see Brett Favre in a tuff guy cell phone commercial? I mean, has anyone’s cell phone been more scrutinized over the last year than this guy’s? So Brett’s in the huddle, waiting for the play to be called in but his helmet mike isn’t working, he’s tapping it repeatedly, looking to the sidelines for help. Close up shot of Eric Mangini with one of his patented “my bologna has a first name it’s O S C A R” facial expressions. Then Brett’s face breaks into a crooked smile and you can see him thinking “hey wait a minute, I’m Brett Favre, I can do whatever I want without any kind of reproach and reprimand” – so he takes a cell phone out of his belt and calls the offensive coordinator in the booth. “Hey, Jim, it’s Brett. I was thinking about a Z post, what do you think?” The offensive coordinator starts to object, but Brett just smiles and hangs up. Brett turns back to the huddle but before he calls the play he fires off a quick text message to Peter King. “Petey, thanks again for the rim job last night. Hope the bruise from my nuts slapping against your forehead gets better. B” Brett puts the phone back in his belt, calls the play and breaks the huddle. Once the ball is snapped, Brett avoids the rush, steps up in the pocket and throws a laser across the middle that is picked off by the safety and returned 87 yards for a touchdown. We fade to black as the announcers praise Brett’s approach to the game and scold the receivers for not being within 25 yards of the throw.

Moustache
Wade Phillips doesn’t have the hair to win a Super Bowl. He looks like a guy you’d buy stamps from. For non-baseball watchers like me, here’s a quick guide to how you can tell which team is going to win the World Series: always pick the team with the most disheveled looking manager. The Rays’ manager is way to put together after 180 games; he looks like a history professor at a community college. But the Phillies’ guy? That fat tub of shit is exactly what you want in the World Series. High School Musical 3: Senior Year, much more crowd-friendly than the original title: School Musical 3: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Anyone seen the new 90210? Jenny Garth and Lori Laughlin on the same show? Are you kidding me? That’s like Tony Danza fucking Alan Thicke! Hey, why stop at 18 games, NFL? Let’s make it 20! Wait, 25! Let’s play all year round! Come on, dickweeds, you know what the correct answer here is, don’t you? Adding more games to the most violent sport in history that doesn’t involve a tiger or the words “Pam Anderson” and “fisting” (very popular sport in Finland, although it's called "pfisting" there) is like getting an incredible blowjob and then asking the chick to dance and blow bubbles with your milkshake. Just enjoy your success and watch Seinfeld.

Hey GQ...blow me

I haven't spoken to Jericho all day today. It's the longest we've gone without talking since I punched him in the leg after a long night of drinking and rendered him immobile for a few days. Eventually I bought him a lava lamp and all was forgiven. But this time it's different. I lost. I lost bad. The final score was 111-64. So what did Jericho do at my lowest moment when Rudi Johnson finished the game with 6 yards and Vincent Jackson just caught a TD pass? He texted me the following "How's that taste bitch?" Not cool Jericho, not cool.


If I were talking to Jericho then I would call him and ask him if he could name who GQ considers the top 25 sexiest women in film of all time. They just released their list in the latest issue. As you well know, Jericho is a hardcore movie dork. I'm talking big time dork. He's the kind of guy who thinks a fun Tuesday night involves back-to-back showings of "A River Runs Through It" followed by "Steel Magnolias." Big time nerd. Jericho's favorite game in the whole world is when I ask him to guess the top 5 grossing movies of individual actors, in order, and their total earnings. I'm dead serious. It's frightening. Last week I gave him Denzel and he nailed it. The gross earnings as well.


Ok, I broke down and called him. I had a moment of weakness. I conceded victory, allowed him the pleasure of a verbal thrashing and then quickly brought up the GQ article. Talk about a change. Jericho went from Desmond Howard posing after a TD at Michigan to the over acting Asian girl on Barney when it comes time to sing the picnic song. He immediately said he could get 15 of the 25 correct. Bold. The over/under was set. I took the under, my wife also took the under, Jericho's wife-to-be, she took the over. (Great sign during pre-marriage by the way.)


Then he had some questions;
1) Is this sexiest woman in a movie or over an entire body of work? Great question. Looks like it's based on individual movies.

2) What's the time period? 1957 to present.

3) How much time does he get? As much as he needs as long as he calls me tonight. And don't worry about him cheating. That's impossible. He gets off on this kind of shit so much I can just picture him right now hunched over the coffee table with a pen and paper feverishly reviewing his mental spank bank but not like you and I would (see: Denise Richards and Neve Cambell in Wild Things.) No, he's going way back. I'm talking Dame Judi Dench in Elizabeth deep. We'll see how he does.


Eighteen minutes later, he calls. First one he guesses is Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Yes. Then he guesses Sophia Loren in Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. Wow, 2 for 2. Then it all goes down hill. Observe:


Jericho: Bo Derek, 10

Magglio: No, not on the list:

Jericho: What?! Not possible. Check it again.

Magglio: No buddy, it's not on here.

Jericho: That's crazy, this whole game is suspect.

Magglio: Yeah, that doesn't make a lot of sense. Even I knew that one.

Jericho: What about Marilyn Monroe?

Magglio: Let me check…No. Not on here.

Jericho: What?! GQ made a list of the 25 sexiest women in film and Bo Derek and Marilyn Monroe are not on there?

Magglio: I guess they did.

Jericho: This game is over.

Magglio: Well, do you want to at least let me know who else you put down?

Jericho: No. The game is over.

Magglio: Come on buddy, just tell me who you thought it would be.

Jericho: If I called you and said 'guess the top 25 bands of all time' and The White Stripes and Radiohead were not on there what would you do?

Magglio: I'd be pretty pissed off.

Jericho: Ok then.

Magglio: Well can you at least email me the list?

Jericho: I'm taking this notebook and I'm tossing it off the balcony right now. There it goes. (sounds of paper flapping) It's gone. Fuck this game.

Magglio: Sorry buddy.

Jericho: It's ok. We'll talk tomorrow.


And with that, the game was over. Just like that. But hey, for those of you that took the under looks like you won. A bet is a bet.


Here’s the bullshit list if you’re interested. And yes, they did pick a 13 year-old girl who looked like a 12 year-old boy. Bullshit. Maybe if we’re lucky Jericho would give us his top 25.




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