Thoughts on Week 1

Thoughts on Week 1 - by Magglio and Jericho

-Watching the Seahawks destroy the Niners was like watching your chick put on a sexy nighty while she's on her period. For a split second, all rationality goes out the window and you think, "oh, I'm gonna tear that ass up." Never happens. Hasn't happened once in the history of the earth or the penis (not sure which was first). So, root for the Hawks at your own risk. Just remember, there's a bloody puss down there.

-The Jets and the Ravens game was fantastic from start to finish. I loved every single story line that became a bit clearer as the night went on; Ray Lewis is still the best defensive player in the league, Rex Ryan my be the coolest son-of-a-bitch on the planet, the Ravens have 3 veteran WRs who are impossible to defend even if you have corners like the Jets, Gruden is the smartest announcer in the game and Jaws is becoming increasingly paranoid, and Mark Sanchez can’t throw the ball more than 10 yards. The only thing missing was a sexy Mexican sideline reporter. Oh wait.

-Fuck Tim Hightower, Phillip Rivers, Shonn Greene, Kevin Kolb, Bernard Berrian, Arian Foster, and the entire 49ers organization.

-Watching Vick elude the Packers defense was reminiscent of his days at Va Tech. He’s still got moves. It’s amazing to think he’s the same year as Ladanian Tomlinson. Two years in the clink kept his legs fresh. The question is what is the best TD dance Vick could do after he runs one in? So far the best I’ve come up with is this: After he scores, two of his lineman come over and get on all 4s while facing each other. Then, two of the other lineman hold on to the ‘collars’ of the down lineman as they lunge at each other barking ferociously. Vick then stands in the middle with his arms spread wide and looks to the heavens as a gesture to all the dogs he put down. Too much?

-I don’t think the Bears are very good, but there is a good chance they can beat Dallas this weekend and roll into week 3’s MNF game in Green Bay at 2-0. Their offense, despite Mike ‘am I still relevant?’ Martz, is still super sketchy. The Bears D should keep them in games but they still have some big time problems. Why do I think they can beat the Cowboys on Sunday? Because the Cowboys are like Heidi and Spencer. Too interested in their own fame to figure out that they have absolutely no talent. Ooooh. Facial!

-The Colts are not as bad as they appear after Week 1.

-The Chiefs are not as good as they appear after Week 1.

-Brett Favre is done. He’s too old and too brittle to make this work one more time. My money is on Tavaris Jackson becoming the starter, because of injury, by week 6. And I promise that is the last time I will mention Brett Favre ever again.

- Um, best pic ever?

III

Thursday Thoughts

Apple
Why do people always hype up “steel cut” when they’re selling oatmeal? Why does this matter? Does anyone really care about the apparatus used to cut (not cook, or even serve, both of which seem much more important) their breakfast? “Turkey Sandwich with dirt-grown tomatoes.” “127 beers on tap, all served in water-washed glasses.” “Horny secretaries covered in testicle-generated spunk.”

Moustache
The NFL playing a game in Europe is the most obvious, self-aggrandizing since Michael Jackson named his son Prince Michael. Do the Brits really care about the NFL? Are we bringing over announces too? We’re not leaving this in English hands are we? “LaDainian Tomlinson just wholly whocked that defenseman, he made him look he was two tassels short of a tassel collection.” Viability of that aside, I’ll tell you one thing, when England returns the favor and hosts an unimportant regular season matchup of two very average cricket teams at the Rose Bowl, I will fucking WALK there if I have to!

Apple
Honestly, is there anything more moronic than the graphic ESPN showed during MNF comparing Brady’s first six starts to Cassel’s? There’s a certain “it” factor to NFL quarterbacks, a swagger, a confidence that when you walk into that huddle all 10 guys know, not think, know they’re going to win. Brady has it. Peyton has it. Jeff fucking Garcia has it. Young guys like Trent Edwards and Matt Ryan have it. Cassel does not. You can’t teach it, you can’t coach it, like big, beautiful natural C cups. You can fake it, you can work out and get great legs and a great ass, but if you ain’t born w/ beautiful, naturals Cs, you ain’t gettin em. The most telling play happened at the 3 minute mark in the 2nd quarter – 3rd and 10 from NE’s own 12 – Cassel drops back, throws a duck and then is absolutely raped by the OLB. Roughing the passer, 15 yards. The thing is, when that happened, I looked at Cassel and thought, “you lucky fuck.” If that were Brady, I would’ve been thinking, “man, how good is Brady, he totally drew that flag.” You see the difference?

Moustache
Let me ask you this, if you’re Larry Johnson, why wouldn’t you be spitting on bitches? I mean, name me one woman who has ran for over 1,500 yards in an NFL season? Exactly. Here was Herm’s response when asked about the situation, “You spit on bitches to prove a point! Hello! You spit to prove a point! You don’t spit to just spit! That’s the great thing about spitting. You spit they listen. I don’t care if she’s not listening, you spit to make her listen!”

Apple
How long until we see Brett Favre in a tuff guy cell phone commercial? I mean, has anyone’s cell phone been more scrutinized over the last year than this guy’s? So Brett’s in the huddle, waiting for the play to be called in but his helmet mike isn’t working, he’s tapping it repeatedly, looking to the sidelines for help. Close up shot of Eric Mangini with one of his patented “my bologna has a first name it’s O S C A R” facial expressions. Then Brett’s face breaks into a crooked smile and you can see him thinking “hey wait a minute, I’m Brett Favre, I can do whatever I want without any kind of reproach and reprimand” – so he takes a cell phone out of his belt and calls the offensive coordinator in the booth. “Hey, Jim, it’s Brett. I was thinking about a Z post, what do you think?” The offensive coordinator starts to object, but Brett just smiles and hangs up. Brett turns back to the huddle but before he calls the play he fires off a quick text message to Peter King. “Petey, thanks again for the rim job last night. Hope the bruise from my nuts slapping against your forehead gets better. B” Brett puts the phone back in his belt, calls the play and breaks the huddle. Once the ball is snapped, Brett avoids the rush, steps up in the pocket and throws a laser across the middle that is picked off by the safety and returned 87 yards for a touchdown. We fade to black as the announcers praise Brett’s approach to the game and scold the receivers for not being within 25 yards of the throw.

Moustache
Wade Phillips doesn’t have the hair to win a Super Bowl. He looks like a guy you’d buy stamps from. For non-baseball watchers like me, here’s a quick guide to how you can tell which team is going to win the World Series: always pick the team with the most disheveled looking manager. The Rays’ manager is way to put together after 180 games; he looks like a history professor at a community college. But the Phillies’ guy? That fat tub of shit is exactly what you want in the World Series. High School Musical 3: Senior Year, much more crowd-friendly than the original title: School Musical 3: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Anyone seen the new 90210? Jenny Garth and Lori Laughlin on the same show? Are you kidding me? That’s like Tony Danza fucking Alan Thicke! Hey, why stop at 18 games, NFL? Let’s make it 20! Wait, 25! Let’s play all year round! Come on, dickweeds, you know what the correct answer here is, don’t you? Adding more games to the most violent sport in history that doesn’t involve a tiger or the words “Pam Anderson” and “fisting” (very popular sport in Finland, although it's called "pfisting" there) is like getting an incredible blowjob and then asking the chick to dance and blow bubbles with your milkshake. Just enjoy your success and watch Seinfeld.