Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Fight On 2009!

Jericho is out of the country. The secret’s out of the bag. He’s in South America gallivanting with his best girl. Or fleeing those pedophile charges. Not sure which one. I haven’t talked to him in almost a week and its driving me nuts. I did however have an email from him waiting for me this morning. It was one sentence long and all it said was “I hope you’re betting the farm on the Ravens this weekend fag.” Damn him.

My new year’s resolutions:

1. Go to Spring Training
I’ve only done it once and it was incredible. A few years back my dad, my brother and I went down to Scottsdale to watch the Giants. The experience was priceless and every year we say we’re going to do it again. Well, now it’s a resolution on the blog. So let’s make this happen guys.

2. Spin kicks
When I was young I would practice spinning jump kicks all the time. Recently I realized it’s been years since I’ve brought one of these out. I think 2009 is the year the spin kick returns. You’ve been warned.

3. Finish my books
I love to read. And my wife, being the biggest nerd reader I know, perpetuates this addiction. The problem is we go to the book store too often and I wind up always buying a new book. So inevitably I never finish one book before starting another. I have so many books that are ½ or ¾ read right now. From now on I will not buy a new book until I’ve finished one in progress.

4. Set a ‘menu’ trap
We have a sign on our apartment building that says ‘no menus please.’ However, lo and behold, every day some ass clown drops off a menu for Pizza, Chinese or some other bullshit diarrhea restaurant in the area. Well, enough is enough. I’ve fantasized about rigging the entrance with a hybrid bear trap/steel cage torture device to catch these fuckers in the act. I haven’t worked out all the details yet but essentially the trap would slam shut around the perpetrator’s ankle while the steel cage slammed shut around the rest of their body. Then, the offending asshole would be force fed a collection of all menus we’ve collected over time. I haven’t figured out the force feed part yet. Is it a mechanical arm that does the force feeding and how do I pin their arms back and pry the mouth open? 2009 is the year I work out these kinks.

5. Start my book
I’m tired of saying I’m going to get this started. It’s time to start putting fingers to keyboard. If I’m ever going to quit my day job and move to a cabin in Vermont and grow a massive beard and eat soup out of a can and chop my own firewood and write the great American novel then I need to get this story off the ground in 2009.

6. Find a new drink
I love whisky. Love it. Tonight, being New Year’s Eve I set the over/under on my Whisky and Diet Cokes at 9.5. But I’ve found that it’s truly the only drink I have. I’ll have a glass of wine if I’m with friends at dinner, I’ll have a beer if I’m at a bar watching a game, but if it was up to me I’d opt for the Maker’s everytime. I need to shake it up a bit. Any ideas? And no, I don’t want to try a Vodka Tonic you sissy.

7. Drop a few lbs.
Here’s a secret I’ll let you in on. Sure, I’m devastatingly handsome and hung like a rhino but I have a bit of a “weight” problem. So it’s time to focus on not eating that 2nd triple cheeseburger and opting for the baby carrots instead.

8.Bet the farm on the Super Bowl
My cousin-in-law taught me this one. He told me he bets all football season and then bets every penny on the Super Bowl. I love this idea. It’s time to start saving for the granddaddy of them all. Wait, that’s the Rose Bowl. And I’m taking USC and giving the points tomorrow in that game.

9. Sell a screenplay
Not mine, Jericho’s screenplay. He’s written some killer scripts that need to be produced. Especially his last one. So my resolution is to do whatever I can to help him sell one of these fuckers. I can’t wait to be your Oscar date on the red carpet buddy. “And what are you wearing Magglio?” “The dress is Vera Wang, my heels are Dolce & Gabanna and the panties are my own design.”

10. Stretch
Something you may not know about me, I’m phenomenal at the Sit N Reach. Remember that test in grade school? Where you sit with your legs extended and see how far you can reach? Well I was amazing at it. Still am. Truth be told I was challenged 4 times in 2008 in the Sit N Reach and I walked away victorious in all 4. I’m thinking I should go to nearby elementary schools and start hustling 4th graders. In order to keep my streak alive I need to stretch more in 2009.

Have a good and safe New Years homos.



tahoesanta said...


Keep the liquor burbon, and make it a Manhattan.

Other peoples wives will immediately grab for your cock the second you order this drink. Make sure you have your slap hand ready, because nobody likes it when their wife grabs for another guys dong. Just make sure you order it on the rocks.

tinyheat said...

funny that, i was gonna buy spring training tickets and give them as a gift to cw, but then i thought, hell no, there is no way that fool is going to have fun without me! since you know, i would only be able to splurge for one and not for two.

and im with you on finishing books. its a problem of mine as well. right now i have devised a reading now pile, a kind of reading pile and a pile i hope to get to sometime this year. so, we'll see.

and as for the whiskey - hows about the sazerac?

Happy new year!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the well wishes. Amazing post. I challenge you to a 2009 sit and reach.

Anonymous said...

Drinks-wise...go for a Gibson. Nobody drinks 'em and they're actually quite good. Of course, I'm one of those perverts who likes those little cocktail onions.

Walk On Boy said...

This is incredibly tardy, but I'm at work and staring intently at the screen makes it look like I'm working. And now pounding on the keyboard doubles the effect.

Christ almighty, keep the whiskey. Just have a rotation. Or a middle reliever/closer. Or whatever baseball analogy you're most comfortable with.

And finishing books is most definitely a problem. Although I have no qualms about having five to ten books stacked willy-nilly around the house. It makes me feel more smarterfied.

Other than that, great work. And will the pacer/push&pullup challenge be added to your domination of a fourth grader in the sit and reach?