Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Happy Birthday Jericho

Today is Jericho’s birthday. Shit. I remember when Jericho was just a little girl. I remember holding him in my arms as he cried and cried and suckled on my tit. I remember taking him out to the bars last year so he could get his first legal drink. He had 2 cosmos and puked all over himself. What a sweatheart.

Well, it’s a great day and a sad day. I wish I was with Jericho to celebrate his birthday. We’d no doubt be doing his favorite things in the whole world. Drinking Maker’s Mark, watching Michael Jackson videos and arguing over which A-list actor he’d rather make out with. If you had to. No seriously, if you had to. So the next best thing I can do is put together a wish list for Jericho. The following are the top 7 things I wish I could get Jericho for his birthday.

1. A six foot bong and our friend Benny knocking at the door with some of Seattle’s finest. I don’t care if you don’t know Benny or if you don’t smoke but trust me, it would make Jericho’s day.

2. The DVD complete series of One Tree Hill. With special DVD extras including an interview with the head stylist and make up artist on set. That Shaun Michael Murray is a dreamboat. I know Jericho would just love it!

3. The ability to realize that Thomas Jones is not a good pick in the first round of the draft this year. True story. Six years ago Jericho’s fantasy team went undefeated in the regular season then lost in the playoffs. Sure it was a disappointment but he put together a helluva season. The next 5 years? Pitiful. Absolutley brutal. Jericho continues to hitch his wagon to losers like Cedric Benson, Drew Brees and Kevan Barlow. Change strategies dude. Whatever you’re doing now is NOT working. Think Joseph Addai. Think James Jones. Think Braylon Edwards.*

4. A knuckle sandwich. You heard me Jericho.This day isn't all reach arounds and cupcakes.

5. A pony keg of Guiness, an iPod filled with Band of Horses, The Natural, Eddie Vedder’s solo album and every song Jack White has ever made. And the iPod’s on shuffle. And Jericho gets to have Megan Fox dance to every song. No! Jericho gets to have Megan Fox digitally stimulate Jessica Simpson while he enjoys an appetizer of pita bread and spinach dip out of her honey pot. Perfect!

6. A guest appearance on Ebert & Robert. With the subject being: the influence of Johnny Depp on tighty whiteies in the United States.

7. A shopping spree at Ted Baker, Ben Sherman and John Varvatos. Here’s the thing. Jericho is one stylish dude. But he buys all of his gear at thrift stores. You wouldn’t believe it if you saw it. The man works wonders at thrift stores. And I know he loves these brands. But, in the dream world that is this post, I’d like to give him a chance to buy some stuff brand new from the store directly. Funny thing is. He’d never accept this present. He’s like a grumpy old man these days.

*Please note, from here on out anything I write that directly references fantasy football players is complete bullshit. Too many of you fucks are in leagues with me. If you think I’m tipping my hand just to gain some credibility on this blog you’re fucking crazy. Except when I mention Marvin Harrison. I think he’s gonna be a stud this year.

Happy Birthday buddy. You’re the man.

Great post yesterday. I’ll see you this weekend.


Anonymous said...

Happy birthday Jericho! And if you want to look like CHAD Michael Murray, I'm sure Magglio could give you some pointers.

Anonymous said...

I am very very concerned. This is the first photo of a woman since the July 4 post. In between all men. And I think Jericho and Magglio would say "Mighty attractive men." I am very concerned.

Anonymous said...

whats a sweatheart? Is that like a sweatband? GOD I LOVE SWEATBANDS.

Unknown said...

Happy belated birthday, Jericho.

Magglio- I'll note here that I had Addai, Braylon and James Jones last year. Suck it (belatedly and in 16 days).

Anonymous said...

nfl was me. the internets is confuse.