A&M’s Top 50 Movies of The Decade

Unless you regularly eat soap you’ll see the headline above and know what this post is about, so I won’t spend too much time on the intro, but here are a few things to be cognizant of as you devour this list over the next few days:

- Lists like this, by their very nature, are completely useless, immaterial and stupid. But fuck are they fun to do. I highly recommend it.

- Ranking awesome movies is kind of like ranking Victoria’s Secret models: the top 10 is surprisingly the easiest part; with the bottom being the hardest b/c they are almost entirely based on mood. For me, the top 3 would be some combination of Miranda Kerr, Alessandra Ambrosio and Adriana Lima, and really does it matter who gets the #1 slot? Everyone wins if those three science projects are involved. But who gets the #41 slot? Much harder.

- On a related note, it’s difficult to balance older and newer movies, because the latter is unavoidably top of mind. I really had to go through IMDB to figure this out and have had to start over several times upon realizing a glaring omission.

- Rewatchability is a crucial factor. I really don’t think you can get an idea of how good a movie really is until you are 30 minutes into your 3rd viewing. The first viewing is always deceptive, impacted by hype, preconceived notions, etc; the second is heavily influenced by your lingering feelings from the first; the third, in a weird way, is the only truly unbiased viewing. This weighs heavily into my selection process.

- It’s also important not to let an individual performance affect the way you think about the movie as a whole, which is more difficult than you think. For example, I hate Lost in Translation; fuck that movie. But Bill Murray’s performance is one of the best of the decade, potentially top 5. If I find that movie on cable I always end up watching for a few minutes purely to see him, but quickly flip away when something reminds me how annoying that movie is. Does this make sense? Even if it doesn’t, fuck Lost in Translation.

- No, seriously, FUCK Lost in Translation.

Without further ado, the top 50 in reverse order:

50. The Bourne Ultimatum
The best pure action movie of the decade and possibly one of the most influential, how many movies have we seen since the first Bourne to feature hand-held filmed fight scenes? The Bourne movies were the Pearl Jam of the 90s, everyone wanted to sound like them.

49. Before the Devil Knows Your Dead
This movie came and went without anyone really noticing, but is one of the best suspense movies of the decade with an absolutely killer fucking cast. Hey meatheads, want to see the sneaky hot Marisa Tomei fucked doggy style for 5 minutes? I thought so.

48. Kill Bill
I love these movies, but the excessive dialogue gets a little tedious on repeat viewings. If anything, this movie is a victim of its own success: the action is so good we get impatient waiting for it.

47. The Queen
One of those movies I expected to fully hate and ended up completely riveted (when was the last time you had a good rivet? I highly recommend it.). So much going on in this movie, it has an unexpected depth and density that really carries it forward. The relationship between the monarchy and the government, which is really at the heart of the movie, is absolutely fascinating.

46. 40 Yr Old Virgin
Of the Apatow movies, this one has aged the best and holds up well over repeat viewings. Further proof that Seth Rogen is a fucking force as a supporting player and a C- as a leading man.

45. Little Miss Sunshine
Another highly influential movie with a host of imitators, this hasn’t aged as well as I thought it would but is still a great movie. Not much else to say.

44. Man on Fire
Strong case for the most underrated movie of the decade and definitely one of the most rewatchable; Denzel doing Denzel things and a very satisfying ending. Great movie to watch on TBS on a Tuesday.

43. The Incredibles
One of Pixar’s most relatable films even though it’s about superheroes; this one probably should’ve been higher. Not only does this movie tackle subjects like teen angst and midlife crisis as well, if not better, than any other movie in the decade, but it’s a fucking kick ass action movie to boot.

42. District 9
The most original, creative and mind-blowing movie of the decade, District 9 transcends the sci fi genre and succeeds on a multitude of levels. Remember the name Neill Blomkamp, folks, we’re going to see some major, major things from him over the next few years.

41. Elegy
I think only two people in America saw this movie, but they loved it and thought it was completely mesmerizing from start to finish. Has anyone had a weirder, cooler career than Ben Kingsley? Regardless of how you feel about little indie movies about aging professors and their much younger lovers, this movie does have one central theme that we can all get behind: how absolutely horrifically sad it would be if Penelope Cruz had to have her breasts removed. I think I’d become a Jehovah’s Witness and start selling bibles over the phone or some shit if that happened.

Coming tomorrow: #40-31



JR

Pole Licking

I had two great jokes today that I wanted to share.

1. CNN ran a special about winter storms today and they had a segment on a kid who licked a pole and got his tongue stuck. They were showing clips from A Christmas Story comparing the two situations and I said, "it's nice to see a pole licking story that doesn't involve tiger woods."


2. For our company Christmas party tonight, everyone was required to bring a gift for the white elephant dumb fuck gift exchange (great indie band name), I went to Walgreens and bought anti-diarreha medicine, a cannister of handy wipes and a carton of tennis balls. I wrapped the whole thing in a little bag and wrote on the card: the perfect gift set for the gaseous tennis enthusiast.

Happy fucking Holidays!



JR

a closer look

"Borrowed" from TheAwl.com:



If you're like me (and the rest of America, according to the Billboard Hot 100), you love the Jay-Z song "Empire State of Mind." But here's the thing: there's apparently a frequently-misunderstood lyric regarding popular NBA players LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, one that seems to leave a number of people befuddled. Maybe you've heard this line? It's in the second verse and goes something like this, "I got it made/If Jeezy’s payin’ LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade." A lot of people think this has to do with an NBA franchise, of which Jay-Z is a part-owner: the New Jersey—soon to be Brooklyn—Nets. Those people are wrong.

In Young Jeezy's song "24-23 (Kobe-Lebron)," Jeezy uses the players' jersey numbers to articulate the price he's paying of a kilogram of cocaine. The chorus of that song goes, "I used to pay Kobe [24], but now I pay LeBron [23]." This means that he used to pay $24,000 for a kilo of coke, whereas now? He only pays $23,000, you see.

So, in "Empire," Jay-Z takes this one step further, so as to show his impressive status in New York. He suggests that, while Jeezy may be paying $23,000, Jay-Z is paying a mere $3000 (expressed as Dwyane Wade's jersey number) for a kilo of cocaine.





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hella tight

By Magglio and Jericho

Apple
The funniest development in our home is how much Patch hates the toaster. It really is puzzling and hilarious all at the same time. Any time anyone touches the toaster, sets it or it dings as ready, he goes ape shit. And mind you, this is a dog that doesn’t ever bark. But for some reason that toaster has just rubbed him the wrong way. I think it’s because they’re shaped similarly, short and squatty. Or maybe some weird shit goes on when we’re at work and Patch and the toaster have had falling out. Whatever it is, it’s fascinating.


Moustache
I’m not eating meat that comes from factory farms. Only from family farms, which make up roughly 1% of all meat produced in America. Fuck you, I’m educated in this subject. Don’t try me. What I’m confused about is why vegetarian’s make such a strong effort to eat meat substitutes. It’s really fucking bizarre. Whole Foods makes a good veggie chili but they put soy protein in that “imitates meat texture.” What the fuck is that all about? That’s like being a lesbian who gets off on a dildo. Doesn’t make sense does it?


Apple
Whenever I’m in a bad mood i immediately put The Black Keys on. They're like a good cleanse, but one that doesn't make your poop a lot bigger (which apparently happens if you quit dairy). The Black Keys are the stoned blow job in a hot tub of bands.


Moustache
There is no chance Jake Locker is going to stay for his senior season at Washington. I’ve accepted this as fact. With a rookie salary cap rumored for 2011 why would he leave $10-$15 million on the table just to play one more season in college? I’m sorry. This just isn’t the way sports works. I don’t like it, not one bit. But look at Sam Bradford and Matt Leinart as recent examples of how this can backfire. Whatever. It was great watching his last hurrah on Saturday night, a 42-10 dismantling of Cal. Let’s get ready for the Nick Montana era!


Apple
We’re having an argument regarding the gloves pictured above. Magglio thinks they’re fresh to def. Jericho thinks they look like you’re going to a gay snowman party. What do you think?




III

"I'd pound her out"

Last night I got super stoned and watched the 2-hour series premiere of Jersey Shores on MTV. Let me just say, that was the best waste of brain cells I’ve had in a long long time. I highly recommend you hop on board. Let me give you the quick overview. It’s basically a mash-up of the Real World and the 1 hour MTV True Life segment ‘I’m going to the Jersey Shore.’ They take a group of 8 (not 7, see it’s different!) over tanned, over buffed, over hair gelled guidos and guidettes and put them all in a house on the Jersey shore for the summer. It’s already the greatest show on television. There’s an abundance of sex, fist fights, and sloppy drunk hooters. The real question is will any of these folks be eligible for the RR/RW Challenge? Cause I’d pay good money to see Ronnie and Evan square off in an elimination event. Sometimes life hands you lemons and you make a lemon custard, eat it, shit it out and it sprouts a money tree. Yes. Sometimes life is that good. That my friends is what Jersey Shores means to me.


III

Dead To Me

Dear Housh, or as you shall be referred to for the rest of my life: Cock-Sucking Pig-Fucking Worthless Cunt-Sucking Piece of shit,

Fuck you, you fucking pile of dog shit. This is what we're paying $8 million a year for?!?! 14 fucking yards against the fucking Rams! Here's a list of people that could get at least 40 yards against the Rams:

Justin Timblerlake
RuPaul
Julia Childs
Tahoe Santa (good for 67 and a touch easily)
My left nut
My right nut
RuPaul's nuts
Ken Ober
Woodrow Wilson
Kiera Knightley
The guy who hit the Balloon Boy balloon with a shovel to get the air out (easily the most underrated savage move of the year)
Malia Obama
The ShamWow guy (who has prolably been raped so many times in jail by now that his asshole looks the black hole Eric Bana used in Star Trek to go back in time 129 years)
The guy from Police Academy that did all the noises
Ted Danson's hair piece
Deon Butler (the third string receiver on the Hawks who unequivocally should be starting over you)
My Mom
My Mom's Mom
My Mom's Mom's Mom
Your Mom
Anyone on fucking earth's Mom

Yes, most of the people on the list don't have the slightest bit of athletic ability. Yes, most are women and a lot of them are dead, but if we put these odds up in Vegas, we'd all win money betting against your dumb fucking ass.

"It's not my fault. It's the play calling. Hasselbeck isn't looking my way. We take what the defense gives us. I'm just running the plays they call."

Oh cut the fucking shit! Which is exactly what the Hawks should do this offseason, cut the fucking shit in the #84 jersey and forget this goddamn fucking thing ever happened.

Thanks,
Seahawk Fans everywhere.



JR

and also...

Apple
Leighton Meester has a music video out. It features Robin Thicke. Now I’ll be honest. I’d like to put my poems inside of Leighton Meester, but what gives her the right to think she’s a pop artist? She’s not. She’s a good looking, bitchy actress, on the CW network. That’s it. This is the equivalent of when Joe Buck tried to do a monologue on his late night show. Everyone just thought he was announcing things rather than trying to make jokes. The outcome was disastrous. Stick to what you know Leighton. Wearing Louboutin’s and causing drama..you sexy bitch.


Moustache
An actual conversation between my brother and I:

Me: Them Crooked Vultures.

Scrotum: Totally.

Me: Have you listened to them yet?

Scrotum: No idea what you are talking about. Sometimes I say totally when I really mean I have no idea what you are talking about. Like the whole Jesus was a carpenter thing.


Apple
Hand jobs are like Canada. Nobody loves them and it’s not really where you want to go....but it’s better than not going anywhere at all.


Moustache
Ever seen the video for ‘Empire State of Mind’? I can’t figure out why Alicia Keyes is dancing and playing the piano at the same time. Don’t you think she should just choose one and stick to it?




III