Duke likes to Maul

Apple
“Duke likes to maul.” That was an actual quote for the handjob announcer, Thom Brenneman, last night during the BCS Championship game. I’m not one of those guys that like to bash announcers just for the hell of it but this guy was verbally sucking off Tebow to the point I almost came. The ultimate test of a good announcer is if they go unnoticed. But this guy? Who the fuck was he? He openly referred to Tebow as “Superman” and did so even when Tebow did things that weren’t even special. “Superman couldn’t find a receiver so he wisely threw it out of bounds.”

An actual quote from Brennaman last night: "If you're fortunate enough to spend five minutes or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it,"

And of course, after Tebow received a penalty in the 4th quarter for unsportsmanlike content: "That might be the first thing he's ever done wrong."

Or...."I had the chance to sniff Tebow's soiled pants yesterday after practice and let me just say they smelled of a mix between Tony Robbins, Cheese-Its and Barack Obama!"


Moustache
You ever get to the point where you hate all of your music? Hate may be a strong word, but I don’t have anything worth listening to right now. While I write this I’m listening to The Streets third album ‘The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living.’ Yeah, it’s come to that. I have a $25 gift certificate to iTunes that is itching to be spent. Last night, 4 drinks down, I made the bold call I’m going to use it to purchase The Beach Boys’ greatest hits. Or MGMT. Not sure which one. Any suggestions?



Apple
I think I’m turning into a pregnant woman. With all due respect to Sa, who actually is pregnant and puking more than the cast of 90210, I’m showing some strong indicators. I can’t get enough pickles or mustard and I even got choked up when LC and Heidi hugged it out in the season finale of The Hills. I mean, at the end of the day LC is a cunt and we all know it but Heidi showed so much strength in being the bigger person. She’s got a good heart. Now pardon me while I go rub shea butter all over my tummy.



Moustache
How bout them Huskies? With a 1-point victory over visiting Stanford last night the Dawgs run their record to 12-3 with 14-2 Cal coming to town on Saturday. Fuck yeah. This team is explosive. Isaiah Thomas is the real deal and Jon Brockman plays 6 inches taller than he actually is. And that’s not all, UW just lured USC Defensive coordinator Nick Holt away from the Trojans to revamp the football team’s D. With LSU coming to town in week 1 of next season there is a serious buzz around this football team and this school. In Stark we trust!



Apple
My bold and fearless NFL Playoff predictions:

*Baltimore 12, Tennessee 10
*Carolina 34, Arizona 24
*New York 17, Philadelphia 10
*Pittsburgh 38, San Diego 10



Moustache
Jericho comes home this weekend. Between you and me I’ve left him about 50 voice messages while he’s been away. All of them starting with “you are such a flaming pussy….” He’s going to get home, check his messages and think he’s so popular. Then find out they were all from me. Sorry buddy, you have 1 friend in this world. And he thinks you’re a flaming pussy. Deal with it.



Apple
*Check it out. This answers the age old question “Has George Brett ever shit his pants?” Thanks Kendall.

*If you don’t already, it’s time to start reading 23Thoughts. Written and directed by JSherm this site has become an everyday stop for me and should be for you too. Granted he hasn’t posted much in the New Year (just once! Tick tock dude) but when he does its worth while. The only downside is that he also links to Curt Shilling’s blog which is mainly about white supremacy, guns and yeast infections. Let me know what you think.

*Uncle Icee waxes poetic on the bullshit that is the BCS

*Jake Gyllenhaal is on the same workout plan as Jason from the Bachelor







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Now I can die in peace

A picture is worth a thousand words. But I’d like to explain how this remarkable piece of sunshine came to be. You see, Jericho and I are both big fans of Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy. He truly is the best at what he does even though he sucks off Boston at any and every chance he gets. We can over look that, for the most part. So a couple years back when he came out with his first book, “Now I can die in Peace,” Simmons went on a book signing tour which stopped at major cities along the way. Including lovely San Francisco.

Now, I never had any intention of reading his book purely because it’s about how beautiful Jason Varitek’s penis is or something like that. But, I thought it would be fun to shake the man’s hand and truth be told I was still pissed about not being chosen as his intern a while back (remember that?) So I wanted to confront him face-to-face and resubmit my application. Can you blame me?

Jericho and I decided to meet at the bookstore on the day of the appearance. It was after work on a weekday. Jericho had been planning his outfit for weeks in advance. I looked amazing, per usual. Lo and behold I get there, and there’s no sign of Jericho. I wait and wait and wait and at this point the line is getting pretty long. So I buy the book (you have to buy the book to meet him, capitalist fuck) and wait.

I get a text from Jericho. It reads: “Sorry buddy, got caught at work, can’t make it.”

At this point I’m irate. I’m standing alongside all these overweight, hairy, Boston d-bags who are quoting Good Will Hunting and talking about the time they puked in O’Neill’s bar down on Third Street. It’s similar to being in Chinatown where you can’t understand anything anyone is saying. But substitute strong willed Asians with dumb looking Bostonians.

So it’s my turn to meet the Sports Guy. He’s smaller and has more gray hair then I expected. I shake his hand, tell him I think Kevin McHale looks like a drag queen from the mid-80s, and hand him my intern writing submission. I muttered something about “you must’ve not gotten it” or something like that. He politely took the piece of paper and said he’d read it later. Or he’d use it dispose of his gum later. One of the two, I forgot.

Then he says “Who should I make it out to?”

“Can you make it out to Jericho?”

“Sure.”

“And can you be sure to mention what a fucking pussy he is.”

Somewhat stunned, he grabbed his sharpie and wrote what you see above. Brilliant. I then tried to touch him some more and that’s when security grabbed me and told me it was time to go. I managed to touch the top of his head and knock over a chair before being pummeled. My last memory was a look of shock and horror on Bill Simmons’ face.

Overall I was thrilled with the moment. I never told Jericho about what I had the Sports Guy write. A few weeks later I wrapped up the book and surprised Jericho. The payoff when he read the inscription was priceless. And now I post it for us all to enjoy. I never did read that book. But Jericho did. He said it was a fictional tale of a boy who wanted nothing more than to be on the tail end of a gang bang with Carton Fisk, Bill Russell and Tedy Brushchi. I never asked Jericho what happens in the end. Hmm, I wonder.




Thanks to TahoeSanta for the photo.

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Thoughts on....

Thoughts on....


The new espn.com layout
Talk about a fuck you on the first day back in the office. ESPN.com ruined a lot of good people’s Monday morning by retooling their homepage. I didn’t know what to do with myself this morning. It’s worse then the time Giants fans were cock teased about Vlad Guerrero only to see him sign with Anaheim. Come to think of it that was the last serious ‘big bat’ rumor to hit the Giants over the past 7 seasons. I’m not buying any of this Manny to the Giants talks. Manny wants 4 guaranteed years at least which we cannot afford. Plus, just wait till he gets those 4 years. He’s gonna beef up like Andruw Jones, quit playing defense like Andruw Jones and his average will plummet like guess who? …yep, that’s right, Andruw Jones.



Texas vs. Ohio State:
(insert hand job motion here)



Rock of love tour bus
Truth be told, I turned on this show with about 30 minutes left so I missed most of the introductions….but rest assured this has been added to the series recordings list. Wow. Where to begin? Has Bret Michaels signed a deal with the devil? Or is he just the luckiest guy on the face of the earth? I mean really, how in the world did he pull this off? “Listen Bret, we have an idea for a show. We’re going to get 25 slutty, morally flexible women who worship the ground you walk on to pine after you for weeks on end. You can do anything you want with them whenever you want. We’ll even edit it all to make you look like an upstanding citizen when their behavior turns unsuitable for TV. What’s the catch? There is none. Seriously. Just wear lots of makeup. And get some more face work done. And always wear a bandana.” My favorite part is when he references being “on the road.” What the fuck? Since when in the last 15 years has Bret Michales been “on the road?” I think he was in SF for 10 minutes last year when he played at the Red Devil Lounge (capacity 300 people). Granted that’s more people than read this blog, but I’ve never banged Pam Anderson. At least not in the biblical sense.



The Baltimore Ravens
Damn it. When I grow up I want to be the Baltimore Ravens. This team is so ridiculous. They have the same identical make-up of the team that won the 2001 Super Bowl; a lights out defense and a strong running game. Except this time they brought along a strong armed quarterback. I don’t care if he’s a rookie, just like when Trent Dilfer was there, they just need Joe Flacco to not make any mistakes. The Ravens play for field position and are down right disruptive on defense. My man crush on the Ravens is currently on par with my man crush on Ryan Reynolds. If the Ravens happen to beat Tennessee this weekend (they’re getting 3 points?! WTF?!) then it would swell to David Beckham man crush status. No, I know. I like them that much.





New pictures of Bar Rafeli in a bikni:
Brilliant.



Pete Carroll
Hats off to Pete Carroll, the baddest motherfucker in college football. USC put a whooping on Penn State and made a solid claim on the Number 1 ranking. What I appreciate most is his honest, confident and cocksure responses to questions about how good USC actually is. “Nobody in the country could beat us,” Carroll said as he hoisted the Rose Bowl trophy in the air. I totally agree. Fuck you Oklahoma/Florida/Utah. On a side note Steve Sarkisian called a helluva game didn’t he? I speak for the whole Northwest when I say I can’t wait to get him decked out in Purple and storming around the Husky sidelines. On a second side note, how sick is Taylor Mays going to look in a 49ers jersey? That’s the badass free safety we’re missing. I’m ok passing on Crabtree if it means we can get Mays. I also think we should get Mark Sanchez in the 2nd round and let him develop for a year while Shaun Hill leads us to the Wild Card berth. Then, we take the Super Bowl in 2011. Holla.



The blueberries I’m eating right now:
Disgustingly mushy. Nothing worse then disgustingly mushy blueberries. Man, fuck these. What’s that? Fuck you. Of course I’d rather be eating Frito’s but did you read my resolutions for 2009? I’ve got goals asshole. Mush, mush, mush.



Current Super bowl odds:
Again, these numbers are based on a bet of $100 so it you put $100 down on Arizona to win it all then you’d get $3,000 in return.

Arizona Cardinals +3000
Baltimore Ravens +700
Carolina Panthers +500
New York Giants +250
Philadelphia Eagles +600
Pittsburgh Steelers +400
San Diego Chargers +800
Tennessee Titans +600



Celebrity nonsense:
*Kellie Pickler lost 28 pounds, only 40 more to go.


*Brad Pitt is rocking the gayest little moustache, but don’t worry he doesn’t get to nail Angelina as often as he’d like you to believe. She’s busy saving the world you really think she’s still playing dress up games for him?


*Jennifer Love Hewitt broke off her engagement, somewhere Tara Reid and her J-Love voodoo doll rejoice.


*Amy Winehouse slipping a nip and scratching her nuts, check it out. Hey Amy, skinny heroin addict is way sexier than flabby booze hound. Get your addictions straightened out please!


*For all of you who scoffed at my ranking of Lindsay Lohan on my top 10 list, check this out. Happy New Year indeed!







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Fight On 2009!

Jericho is out of the country. The secret’s out of the bag. He’s in South America gallivanting with his best girl. Or fleeing those pedophile charges. Not sure which one. I haven’t talked to him in almost a week and its driving me nuts. I did however have an email from him waiting for me this morning. It was one sentence long and all it said was “I hope you’re betting the farm on the Ravens this weekend fag.” Damn him.

My new year’s resolutions:


1. Go to Spring Training
I’ve only done it once and it was incredible. A few years back my dad, my brother and I went down to Scottsdale to watch the Giants. The experience was priceless and every year we say we’re going to do it again. Well, now it’s a resolution on the blog. So let’s make this happen guys.


2. Spin kicks
When I was young I would practice spinning jump kicks all the time. Recently I realized it’s been years since I’ve brought one of these out. I think 2009 is the year the spin kick returns. You’ve been warned.


3. Finish my books
I love to read. And my wife, being the biggest nerd reader I know, perpetuates this addiction. The problem is we go to the book store too often and I wind up always buying a new book. So inevitably I never finish one book before starting another. I have so many books that are ½ or ¾ read right now. From now on I will not buy a new book until I’ve finished one in progress.


4. Set a ‘menu’ trap
We have a sign on our apartment building that says ‘no menus please.’ However, lo and behold, every day some ass clown drops off a menu for Pizza, Chinese or some other bullshit diarrhea restaurant in the area. Well, enough is enough. I’ve fantasized about rigging the entrance with a hybrid bear trap/steel cage torture device to catch these fuckers in the act. I haven’t worked out all the details yet but essentially the trap would slam shut around the perpetrator’s ankle while the steel cage slammed shut around the rest of their body. Then, the offending asshole would be force fed a collection of all menus we’ve collected over time. I haven’t figured out the force feed part yet. Is it a mechanical arm that does the force feeding and how do I pin their arms back and pry the mouth open? 2009 is the year I work out these kinks.


5. Start my book
I’m tired of saying I’m going to get this started. It’s time to start putting fingers to keyboard. If I’m ever going to quit my day job and move to a cabin in Vermont and grow a massive beard and eat soup out of a can and chop my own firewood and write the great American novel then I need to get this story off the ground in 2009.


6. Find a new drink
I love whisky. Love it. Tonight, being New Year’s Eve I set the over/under on my Whisky and Diet Cokes at 9.5. But I’ve found that it’s truly the only drink I have. I’ll have a glass of wine if I’m with friends at dinner, I’ll have a beer if I’m at a bar watching a game, but if it was up to me I’d opt for the Maker’s everytime. I need to shake it up a bit. Any ideas? And no, I don’t want to try a Vodka Tonic you sissy.


7. Drop a few lbs.
Here’s a secret I’ll let you in on. Sure, I’m devastatingly handsome and hung like a rhino but I have a bit of a “weight” problem. So it’s time to focus on not eating that 2nd triple cheeseburger and opting for the baby carrots instead.


8.Bet the farm on the Super Bowl
My cousin-in-law taught me this one. He told me he bets all football season and then bets every penny on the Super Bowl. I love this idea. It’s time to start saving for the granddaddy of them all. Wait, that’s the Rose Bowl. And I’m taking USC and giving the points tomorrow in that game.


9. Sell a screenplay
Not mine, Jericho’s screenplay. He’s written some killer scripts that need to be produced. Especially his last one. So my resolution is to do whatever I can to help him sell one of these fuckers. I can’t wait to be your Oscar date on the red carpet buddy. “And what are you wearing Magglio?” “The dress is Vera Wang, my heels are Dolce & Gabanna and the panties are my own design.”


10. Stretch
Something you may not know about me, I’m phenomenal at the Sit N Reach. Remember that test in grade school? Where you sit with your legs extended and see how far you can reach? Well I was amazing at it. Still am. Truth be told I was challenged 4 times in 2008 in the Sit N Reach and I walked away victorious in all 4. I’m thinking I should go to nearby elementary schools and start hustling 4th graders. In order to keep my streak alive I need to stretch more in 2009.



Have a good and safe New Years homos.


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Hello ladies...

Look at that photo. Are you kidding me? Look again. You think the sun shining on his face like an Angel sent from the heavens is a coincidence? Think again. That my friend was Patch on Xmas morning. Overjoyed at the new vest that Santa brought him. A little full from too many treats left in his stocking. His chest hair busting out of his vest like he was David Hasselhoff on a routine beach sweep. Yes, that my friends is a happy little dog.

Carry on.


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Is this week over yet?

If you’re reading this, then that means you’re most likely at work this week. Which sucks. Ideally it’s a half-cocked week where half the office is out and the half that’s in the office is more into discussing the bowl games and the upcoming NFL playoffs than actually doing work. Regardless, I feel for you. It’s no fun to be at work during weeks like this when you could technically not be in the office and NOBODY would notice. Whatever. If you’re reading this on some South Amercian beach where topless Brazillian chicks are running around playing futbol then more power to you. But if you're on your honeymoon on said topless beach then only steal glances secretly.


My thoughts on things and what not:


*There are 2 types of people in the universe. People who like Will Farrell and people who do not. I am someone who likes him. I think he’s funny. I fully accept that when I go to see one of his movies it will be absolutely stupid (besides Stranger Than Fiction, brilliant movie by the way), he’ll potentially do a character I’ve seen before and there will be moments of absolutely hilarity. But in the end I accept all of this and love him and will see any and all of his movies. For those of you in the other group. Those of you who say ‘he’s not funny’ or ‘I’ve seen Step Brothers 3 years ago when it was called Talledega Nights’. Blow me. Yes, that’s right, blow me.


*If Tom Brady never plays another down of football will he go into the Pro Football Hall of Fame? This guy was a lock. A no doubt, hands down lock to go to Canton. And now? With another knee surgery lingering and the possibility of missing another season becoming more and more realistic, where does he stand? He may never play again. Sure, he has 3 rings and 2 Super Bowl MVPs. But the stats just won’t be complete. Look at Terrell Davis. He dominated football for 7 seasons, has 2 Super Bowl Rings, a Super Bowl MVP and is the all-time leading rusher in Broncos history. But no Hall of Fame due to injury. I’m told Gale Sayers is in the HOF despite his career being cut short by injury. Can one of our older readers please let us know if Brady and/or Terrell Davis should be in the HOF based on the Gale Sayers argument? Thank you.


*I love the Giants signing of Randy Johnson. Love it. I don’t care if he’s 45 and coming off of his second major back surgery. If we can get 12-15 quality starts out of him then it’s worth it. He’s a force on the mound and you tell me what team wouldn’t want him as their number 4. My prediction; once one of our young arms prove themselves (Bumgarner, Alderson) we’ll make a move for a bat. But the team as it currently stands is rock solid. We’ve improved our pitching staff (Affeldt) and just signed a guy named Jesus. Seriously. His name is Jesus. Mark my words, the Giants will contend this year.


*Current Super Bowl odds; (The odds are read in increments of $100 meaning if you put down $100 on the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl then you get $5000 in return.)

Arizona Cardinals +5000
Atlanta Falcons +2000
Baltimore Ravens +1200
Carolina Panthers +500
Indianapolis Colts +1000
Miami Dolphins +2500
Minnesota Vikings +2500
New York Giants +250
Philadelphia Eagles +1000
Pittsburgh Steelers +450
San Diego Chargers +1000
Tennessee Titans +600

Thoughts? The Colts and Ravens sure look tempting.


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Fuck you miss

Apple:
Dude, this Xmas I got a pooping reindeer. You may have seen this before. The concept is truly brilliant. It’s a reindeer stuffed with brown Jelly Belly’s who “poops” when you push down on its back. It’s like Paris Hilton if you replaced the candy with coke and the pushing down on its back with blowing a load on her tits. Not sure what that meant. But man wouldn’t that make a great stocking stuffer? Think about it. A pocket Paris. Imagine the commercials…”Now you can “B” an “L” on her “T’s” in the comfort of your own home!” Say what you will, but that bitch is still banging. And I think at this point she’s even better in bed because she’s got a reputation to uphold.


Moustache:
I won my fantasy league. Yes I did. Thank you. No, stop you’re making me blush. Here was my starting lineup in the championship game; Matt Schaub, Maurice Jones-Drew, Sammy Morris, Marques Colston, Randy Moss, Bang Bang Eddie Royal, Jason Witten, Ryan Longwell and the Ravens Defense. Despite Schaub’s zero TD performance I won 107-95. My WRs all had big days lead by Colston’s 2 scores. This is my second time winning this league which means my farewell email to my league this year was beyond offensive. Now pay the birthday boy!


Apple:
Speaking of…if I know you, and I like you, then save-the-date this Febuary 7th. My birthday is coming up and that’s the date we’ve chosen to celebrate. My wife is doing all the planning so all I have to do is show up, be amazing and wear something off the hiz hiz. I’m already starting to plan my outfit.


Moustache:
There’s a generational gap when it comes to giving directions. My new pet peeve is when somebody tries to explain to you how to get somewhere. Just give me the address. Stop telling me about turning left at the red house or going two blocks and then turning at the first right past the 7-Eleven. Just give me the address. For the most part this seems to happen with people who are older than me. And maybe its my new iPhone that makes me want to skip directions and go straight to Google Maps. (yes, I got an iPhone and yes, I’m terrified about breaking/losing/mangling/dry humping my iPhone. Pray for me.)


Apple:
The Niners finished the season with a bang. This team is moving in the right direction. My friend R. Kelly tells me we’re a good right tackle away from the playoffs. I think we’re a Michael Crabtree and a full season under Coach Singletary away from making a serious run in the playoffs. The Niners finished 7-9. What the fuck? I’ll type that again just for fun….The Niners finished 7-9!


Moustache:
Two bets were made at the beginning of the season. I picked the Chicago Bears to win less than 8 games this year. They finished 9-7. Fuck you Kyle Orton. I also picked the Pittsburgh Steelers to win more than 9.5 games. They finished 12-4. I’m waiting to see the Super Bowl lines when they come out tomorrow morning but I’m thinking of putting something down on the Steelers and maybe even the Ravens. Though I think the Panthers are the strongest team, this shit never turns out like you think it will. Stay tuned. (side note: Hey KK, thanks for the tip on Hawaii over Notre Dame in the Grilled Stuft Burrito Hand Job bowl. Awesome. Really cool. Glad I rely on you for gambling advice.)


Apple:
Over Xmas I saw 3 movies. Here’s my KB reviews in honor of A&M’s good friend KB.
*Milk – It was great.
*Nothing but the Truth – Loved it.
*Last Holiday starring Queen Latifah – What the fuck?


Moustache:
Who else is watching Summer Heights High on HBO? Holy fuck. I can’t get enough. I’m still only 5 episodes deep so I’m not caught up but this shit is brilliant. I can’t stop calling everything ‘random’ and I’ve got that damn song in my head “…she’s got a bad habit, bad habit…” Now you do too. Hopefully.



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