Closed for XMAS

Apples & Moustaches will be closed for the Xmas holiday. We will return on Monday December 29th. In the meantime be sure to tell your friends about Apples & Moustaches and the handsome sons-a-bitches that make it go 'round.

Mailbag

Since we've been out we've received a slew of emails from concerned readers. Some were just checking in, some sent topless photos trying to entice us to keep writing (thanks Kendall) and one promised a vial filled with tears to prove the pain we've caused (suck it up KK!).

We decided to field a few….here they are:



Hey guys, how was the man date?

Fantastic. Better than advertised. Over the top fun. Our waiter was a big fat guy who liked fantasy football. Sitting next to us was a grown man and his parents who decided this particular steakhouse would be the place to tell them that he loves cock and his roommate 'Chris' was actually his slam piece. You could cut the tension with a knife. It was an ideal situation. The steaks were massive. The drinks were stiff. And no, I didn't whip my balls out. Jericho pulled out a joint as we exited the dinner and we even invited an innocent bystander to join us. It truly was the season of giving. (Important to note, he used Randys…for those of you that dance, Randys is like sucking on some tits while they're propped up in a push-up bra. Its fun either way, but the push-up just adds an exciting convenience factor. Am I wrong?)

My wife made an incredible cameo late night and led us to a crowded bar with a gigantic Bigfoot standing in the middle of the room. We stumbled into a booth and slammed cheap beer while bad indie rock blasted in our ears. It couldn't have gone any better.



First time writer, long time reader…Did either of you make the Fantasy playoffs?

Yes. I did. And I'm playing in the championship game this weekend. Once Jericho was eliminated I immediately hired him as the Director of Psycho Analytics, a very important position on my staff. You see, when we get this close, I like to flip the fuck out. I make dumb decisions. I worry like I was Danny Pintauro looking for work during this economic downturn. Jericho is there to calm me down. So, yes. We're playing for all the marbles this weekend. 1-0. That's my only focus. Just one game. Hold the baby, kiss the baby. Hold the baby, kiss the baby.



Hi Magglio – I think you're so sexy. Why didn't your phone work the past few days?

Funny story actually. Stay with me on this one. I got a quick phone call from the wife on Monday afternoon. Truth be told she was the only one talking. It went something like this: "Stop using your phone. We're switching plans. I'm getting an iPhone. You can't get one. Stop using your phone." Click. That was it. So, yes, I got a new phone. No, it's NOT an iPhone. In the end it was the right call. If you've been following along I've broke about 3 phones in the last 6 weeks and there is no insurance on an iPhone. So this time I picked the phone that was red and white just like The White Stripes. It's slow and clunky but it screams Jack White. And everytime it rings I go from 6 to 12.



Um, I have a problem. I love dudes but I have a small mouth. What should I do?

Well TahoeSanta, that sounds like its genetic. So you could either a) start sucking on softballs to loosen up those baby makers or b) stop sucking dick!



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And I told you to be patient

Five reasons we haven’t posted this week:


1. We can’t stop listening to Bon Iver



2. We’re busy. I know, fuck you too. That’s no excuse. Let me just say Jericho is being a big fat bitch lately. What once was endless banter from Jericho at work has turned into “So busy buddy.” Or “Talk soon, got a meeting.” Fuck you Jericho, we all have meetings.



3. We’re overwhelmed with the news that U2 will have a new album out in March of 2009. No we’re not. Put them on my list of ‘suck a dick’ bands along with Smashing Pumpkins, Counting Crows and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah, I said it.



4. We’re protesting the delay of the California State Budget being signed and refuse to write until it is approved. That’s not true, but it has gotten ridiculous. One thing I never thought about during this whole “USA in the Toilet” era we’re living through is the impact it will have on kids. Art programs get cut, pay for teachers is down which means more perverts teaching kids, and 7th graders are huffing more paint than ever before. (Bigger and better than ever! Check the cliché!)



5. We’ve been too busy jerking off to pictures of Rumer Willis.



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Xmas Man Date 2008

by Magglio and Jericho


Tomorrow night is a special night for us. You see, it’s our Xmas man date. We haven’t been on a man date since April and we're way over due. We’ve selected the best steak house in town, the girls have been sent out to bump fur or whatever it is they do and the whiskey will be flowing. Are you fired up or what?

10 predictions for our Man Date this Friday night:


1) We'll cheers at least 5 or 6 times, each time saying "we're the toughest fucking guys in San Francisco" and be 100% serious.


2) Magglio will go to town when the bread comes at the beginning of the meal. Jericho will shake his head disapprovingly and Magglio will retaliate with “Fuck you. I can have a piece of bread” of which Jericho will respond “Don’t fill up on that, we’ve got a big meal ahead of us.” This will in fact be the gayest we will be all night.


3) The five words that will be repeated the most throughout the meal: cunt, please, delicious, more, cuntiest.


4) Magglio will order the 24oz Porterhouse. Jericho will opt for the 12oz filet and try to reason “it’s a nice cut of meat.” After 2 and a half minutes of increasingly aggressive insults in front of the waiter, Jericho will cave and get the 16oz New York Strip. Magglio will nod approvingly.


5) Magglio will threaten to pull his balls out at least 7 times. For the first 6, Jericho will say “please don’t” – on the 7th and final, out of exhaustion he’ll say “ok, fuck, do it then.” To which Magglio will say “you wish, fag!”


6) Reactions when getting their steaks: Magglio: I'm going to beat this steak like Spencer beats Heidi. Jericho: Look at this fucking thing! It's almost as big as Greg Oden's dick!


7) At least three times during the meal, Magglio will tap the waitress on the butt and say, "how about another round for the two biggest assholes in the place, sweetheart." FYI, by waitress we mean a 65 old gay man named Alain.


8) Around the 2/3 mark of the steak, Jericho will sigh audibly and lean back in his chair. Magglio will stare menacingly at him until he resumes eating.


9) Jericho, aiming to be the most controversial of the night will say, “at the end of the day, I would totally watch Anderson Cooper in a gay porn, but only if he had a full suit on the whole time.” Not to be outdone and without batting an eye Magglio will counter, “trust me on this one, you definitely want the suit off, guy’s got an ass like a fucking garbage disposal – it just grinds up dick.”

10) Lines walking out of the restaurant: Magglio: shit, we did more damage than Kobe in a Colorado hotel room. Jericho: I feel like Paris Hilton I’ve got so much meat in me.




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Wednesday Quick Day

You know who’s a totally underrated hot chick? Lynne Spears, Britney’s Mom. That’s an old-school slut right there. She’d suck you off so hard your car would start.

Like a lot of you, Magglio has really been struggling emotionally with his attraction to Sarah Palin. He wants to kill her and do her in equal measure. Here’s my two cents: you can separate the “hot” from the “chick” – it’s okay to be attracted to someone completely loathsome, after all, you can hate a bitch, but you can’t hate a tit.

After taking an unintentional break from Jack White the last few weeks, I finally realized the error of my ways and threw on Consolers of the Lonely this afternoon. Let me put it this way, say you've been on a desert island for 6 months and get rescued - your first drink of water is Dave Matthews, your first bite of food is Radiohead, but your first piece of pussy is Jack White. The water and food is just pure rejoicing, but you get nervous when the pussy comes out, but totally excited at the same time. If anyone can sum Jack up better than that you have my gratitude.

Here’s a question, is Beyonce’s “I am Sasha Fierce” album the first concept album to not have a concept? Can someone please explain the difference between Sasha and Beyonce?

I think if you had a roto draft for the current SNL players it would go like this:

Amy Proehler: $39.00
Kristen Wiig: $37.50
Andy Samberg: $31.75
Jason Sudeikis: $27.75
Will Forte: $25.00
Seth Myers: $23.25
Fred Armisen: $22.50
Bill Hader: $21.00
Darrell Hammond: $15.75
Keenan Thompson: $14.00
Casey Wilson: $11.00
Bobby Moynihan: $9.75

My draft strategy? I pony up for Samberg (purely based on viral appeal), then do everything I can to grab Hader (the most underrated cast member in my opinion) and Moynihan (a rising star) in the later rounds. I’d feel pretty good about trotting out a Hader – Samberg – Moynihan lineup.

Welcome to Husky Nation

A few quick tips for new Washington football coach Steve Sarkisian...

-Know your Don James history. Seriously. The whole city of Seattle can not only rattle off Coach James’ all time record at UW (153-57-2) but can also tell you his favorite food (haystacks), favorite fruit (papaya) and his shoe size (11). You think I’m joking? This is like asking Tony Romo who his favorite receiver is when the game is on the line (the safety), Heidi Montag what she wants to be when she grows up (a unicorn) and CC Sabathia where he wants to play baseball next season (cheesesteaks). Not sure any of that made sense. But did you know Don James has 4 Rose Bowl wins in 6 tries and 99 Pac-10 wins, still a record?


-You need a schtick. Jim Lambright had hairy balls. Rick Neiuhasal had the sweater vest. And Keith Gilbertson had bitch tits. What will your legacy be?


-The chicks get better looking when the sun comes out. You can’t do any worse than the slap dick you just replaced. The rain may go away but it will always be grey outside. Yes, everyone drinks coffee. Jake Locker may be the second coming so use him wisely. The best team in the entire city right now call themselves the Storm. Isaiah Thomas is playing basketball but he’s only 18 years old. Everyone drives a Subaru wagon. They call soda, pop.


-But most importantly Steve, despite the past 7 seasons, we fully expect to be competing for the National Championship every single season. That is not a joke. We’re trusting you with the keys to one of the best programs in the country. You should feel honored to take the wheel and we’re excited to have you on board. Go Dawgs.

A Few A&M Quickies

• Okay, here’s my question, why do they never have a camera crew where Mort is? Where the fuck does he go? You’re telling me there isn’t one camera in the vicinity? “And for more on Daunte Culpepper’s allergies, here’s Mort, live from the Bermuda triangle.”

• I really like the Killers, but they want to be Queen so bad it’s getting a little embarrassing. If the lead singer starts blowing random people in the crowd we may have to have an intervention

• Three things that will always baffle me no matter how many times they are explained: 1) How planes fly 2) How printers work 3) Why really famous, really handsome celebrities grow dumb, little moustaches

• Number 3 is especially pertinent, have you seen Brad Pitt lately? Shit, Maddox finally got his first pube and fake Dad fucking shaved it off and glued it to his nose.

• I never thought I’d say this, but I definitely don’t want to have sex with Madonna anymore. She’s still hot and all, but honestly, I think it’d hurt. Her buttcheeks are like two sawed-down bricks. Can you imagine slamming into her as hard as you can (b/c you know you don’t tap Madge) for 20 minutes? It’d be like trying to get a first down against the Ravens and then trying to fuck Haloti Ngata in the pile.

• While we’re chatting about Madonna, I think A Rod might be the only guy in the history of the world who would answer the “how’s my dick taste question?” Can’t you see Guy bumping into A Rod at JFK, asking that question with a “I’ve had 14 beers even though I’m dead sober” smirk and then having A Rod purse his lips and say “it tastes like cherry coke, Guy, flat cherry coke,” and then saunter away triumphantly?
  

• One more Madonna / Guy / A Rod joke, you know those weird Verizon commercials when someone points over their shoulder at the “network” and that weird looking cunt with the glasses is standing there with a “suck that, Class of 91!” look on his face? Wouldn’t it be amazing if Guy saw A Rod at the airport and said, “oh by the way, it’s not just my dick, it’s our dicks,” and then points over his should at everyone Madonna’s ever slept with? Rodman, Canseco, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Santa Claus, Vanilla Ice, Michael Jackson, David Blaine, JKF Jr., the tiger that mauled Roy…

• So the Lions are 0-12, horrible defense, pitiful offense, have no hope, no good young players other than Calvin Johnson, basically the laughing stock of the league. Now, let’s say Rod Marinelli goes to his boss’ office and asks for a 10 yr extension but doesn’t present any kind of plan for improving the team, he just brings pictures of his kids and his assistants’ kids and says how much it will totally suck for everyone involved if he gets canned. Isn’t that exactly what the Big 3 just did?

• Okay, okay, I get it, Britney is healthy now, clean, sober. But when did her face get so manly? What the fuck happened? I watched a few minutes of that MTV documentary and kept thinking to myself, “man, Ryan Philippe is totally going to win an Emmy for this.”

• I didn’t like the new Kanye the first time I heard it, but it’s growing on me in a hurry. After all, new Kanye is new Kanye. Let’s say you’re fooling around with your girl and she starts to go down on you – but then, all of a sudden she says, “you know what? I’m bored with plain old BJs.” So she stands you up, directs you to lay face down on the kitchen counter with your bottom half hanging over the edge, then she kneels beneath you, supports your legs with her hands and then and blows you that way. I mean, it’s kinda weird and unexpected, but it’s still head, right? Once is weird, twice is better and after 15 times you can’t remember ever feeling like it was strange. That’s the new Kanye.