And I told you to be patient

Five reasons we haven’t posted this week:


1. We can’t stop listening to Bon Iver



2. We’re busy. I know, fuck you too. That’s no excuse. Let me just say Jericho is being a big fat bitch lately. What once was endless banter from Jericho at work has turned into “So busy buddy.” Or “Talk soon, got a meeting.” Fuck you Jericho, we all have meetings.



3. We’re overwhelmed with the news that U2 will have a new album out in March of 2009. No we’re not. Put them on my list of ‘suck a dick’ bands along with Smashing Pumpkins, Counting Crows and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah, I said it.



4. We’re protesting the delay of the California State Budget being signed and refuse to write until it is approved. That’s not true, but it has gotten ridiculous. One thing I never thought about during this whole “USA in the Toilet” era we’re living through is the impact it will have on kids. Art programs get cut, pay for teachers is down which means more perverts teaching kids, and 7th graders are huffing more paint than ever before. (Bigger and better than ever! Check the cliché!)



5. We’ve been too busy jerking off to pictures of Rumer Willis.



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Xmas Man Date 2008

by Magglio and Jericho


Tomorrow night is a special night for us. You see, it’s our Xmas man date. We haven’t been on a man date since April and we're way over due. We’ve selected the best steak house in town, the girls have been sent out to bump fur or whatever it is they do and the whiskey will be flowing. Are you fired up or what?

10 predictions for our Man Date this Friday night:


1) We'll cheers at least 5 or 6 times, each time saying "we're the toughest fucking guys in San Francisco" and be 100% serious.


2) Magglio will go to town when the bread comes at the beginning of the meal. Jericho will shake his head disapprovingly and Magglio will retaliate with “Fuck you. I can have a piece of bread” of which Jericho will respond “Don’t fill up on that, we’ve got a big meal ahead of us.” This will in fact be the gayest we will be all night.


3) The five words that will be repeated the most throughout the meal: cunt, please, delicious, more, cuntiest.


4) Magglio will order the 24oz Porterhouse. Jericho will opt for the 12oz filet and try to reason “it’s a nice cut of meat.” After 2 and a half minutes of increasingly aggressive insults in front of the waiter, Jericho will cave and get the 16oz New York Strip. Magglio will nod approvingly.


5) Magglio will threaten to pull his balls out at least 7 times. For the first 6, Jericho will say “please don’t” – on the 7th and final, out of exhaustion he’ll say “ok, fuck, do it then.” To which Magglio will say “you wish, fag!”


6) Reactions when getting their steaks: Magglio: I'm going to beat this steak like Spencer beats Heidi. Jericho: Look at this fucking thing! It's almost as big as Greg Oden's dick!


7) At least three times during the meal, Magglio will tap the waitress on the butt and say, "how about another round for the two biggest assholes in the place, sweetheart." FYI, by waitress we mean a 65 old gay man named Alain.


8) Around the 2/3 mark of the steak, Jericho will sigh audibly and lean back in his chair. Magglio will stare menacingly at him until he resumes eating.


9) Jericho, aiming to be the most controversial of the night will say, “at the end of the day, I would totally watch Anderson Cooper in a gay porn, but only if he had a full suit on the whole time.” Not to be outdone and without batting an eye Magglio will counter, “trust me on this one, you definitely want the suit off, guy’s got an ass like a fucking garbage disposal – it just grinds up dick.”

10) Lines walking out of the restaurant: Magglio: shit, we did more damage than Kobe in a Colorado hotel room. Jericho: I feel like Paris Hilton I’ve got so much meat in me.




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Wednesday Quick Day

You know who’s a totally underrated hot chick? Lynne Spears, Britney’s Mom. That’s an old-school slut right there. She’d suck you off so hard your car would start.

Like a lot of you, Magglio has really been struggling emotionally with his attraction to Sarah Palin. He wants to kill her and do her in equal measure. Here’s my two cents: you can separate the “hot” from the “chick” – it’s okay to be attracted to someone completely loathsome, after all, you can hate a bitch, but you can’t hate a tit.

After taking an unintentional break from Jack White the last few weeks, I finally realized the error of my ways and threw on Consolers of the Lonely this afternoon. Let me put it this way, say you've been on a desert island for 6 months and get rescued - your first drink of water is Dave Matthews, your first bite of food is Radiohead, but your first piece of pussy is Jack White. The water and food is just pure rejoicing, but you get nervous when the pussy comes out, but totally excited at the same time. If anyone can sum Jack up better than that you have my gratitude.

Here’s a question, is Beyonce’s “I am Sasha Fierce” album the first concept album to not have a concept? Can someone please explain the difference between Sasha and Beyonce?

I think if you had a roto draft for the current SNL players it would go like this:

Amy Proehler: $39.00
Kristen Wiig: $37.50
Andy Samberg: $31.75
Jason Sudeikis: $27.75
Will Forte: $25.00
Seth Myers: $23.25
Fred Armisen: $22.50
Bill Hader: $21.00
Darrell Hammond: $15.75
Keenan Thompson: $14.00
Casey Wilson: $11.00
Bobby Moynihan: $9.75

My draft strategy? I pony up for Samberg (purely based on viral appeal), then do everything I can to grab Hader (the most underrated cast member in my opinion) and Moynihan (a rising star) in the later rounds. I’d feel pretty good about trotting out a Hader – Samberg – Moynihan lineup.

Welcome to Husky Nation

A few quick tips for new Washington football coach Steve Sarkisian...

-Know your Don James history. Seriously. The whole city of Seattle can not only rattle off Coach James’ all time record at UW (153-57-2) but can also tell you his favorite food (haystacks), favorite fruit (papaya) and his shoe size (11). You think I’m joking? This is like asking Tony Romo who his favorite receiver is when the game is on the line (the safety), Heidi Montag what she wants to be when she grows up (a unicorn) and CC Sabathia where he wants to play baseball next season (cheesesteaks). Not sure any of that made sense. But did you know Don James has 4 Rose Bowl wins in 6 tries and 99 Pac-10 wins, still a record?


-You need a schtick. Jim Lambright had hairy balls. Rick Neiuhasal had the sweater vest. And Keith Gilbertson had bitch tits. What will your legacy be?


-The chicks get better looking when the sun comes out. You can’t do any worse than the slap dick you just replaced. The rain may go away but it will always be grey outside. Yes, everyone drinks coffee. Jake Locker may be the second coming so use him wisely. The best team in the entire city right now call themselves the Storm. Isaiah Thomas is playing basketball but he’s only 18 years old. Everyone drives a Subaru wagon. They call soda, pop.


-But most importantly Steve, despite the past 7 seasons, we fully expect to be competing for the National Championship every single season. That is not a joke. We’re trusting you with the keys to one of the best programs in the country. You should feel honored to take the wheel and we’re excited to have you on board. Go Dawgs.

A Few A&M Quickies

• Okay, here’s my question, why do they never have a camera crew where Mort is? Where the fuck does he go? You’re telling me there isn’t one camera in the vicinity? “And for more on Daunte Culpepper’s allergies, here’s Mort, live from the Bermuda triangle.”

• I really like the Killers, but they want to be Queen so bad it’s getting a little embarrassing. If the lead singer starts blowing random people in the crowd we may have to have an intervention

• Three things that will always baffle me no matter how many times they are explained: 1) How planes fly 2) How printers work 3) Why really famous, really handsome celebrities grow dumb, little moustaches

• Number 3 is especially pertinent, have you seen Brad Pitt lately? Shit, Maddox finally got his first pube and fake Dad fucking shaved it off and glued it to his nose.

• I never thought I’d say this, but I definitely don’t want to have sex with Madonna anymore. She’s still hot and all, but honestly, I think it’d hurt. Her buttcheeks are like two sawed-down bricks. Can you imagine slamming into her as hard as you can (b/c you know you don’t tap Madge) for 20 minutes? It’d be like trying to get a first down against the Ravens and then trying to fuck Haloti Ngata in the pile.

• While we’re chatting about Madonna, I think A Rod might be the only guy in the history of the world who would answer the “how’s my dick taste question?” Can’t you see Guy bumping into A Rod at JFK, asking that question with a “I’ve had 14 beers even though I’m dead sober” smirk and then having A Rod purse his lips and say “it tastes like cherry coke, Guy, flat cherry coke,” and then saunter away triumphantly?
  

• One more Madonna / Guy / A Rod joke, you know those weird Verizon commercials when someone points over their shoulder at the “network” and that weird looking cunt with the glasses is standing there with a “suck that, Class of 91!” look on his face? Wouldn’t it be amazing if Guy saw A Rod at the airport and said, “oh by the way, it’s not just my dick, it’s our dicks,” and then points over his should at everyone Madonna’s ever slept with? Rodman, Canseco, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Santa Claus, Vanilla Ice, Michael Jackson, David Blaine, JKF Jr., the tiger that mauled Roy…

• So the Lions are 0-12, horrible defense, pitiful offense, have no hope, no good young players other than Calvin Johnson, basically the laughing stock of the league. Now, let’s say Rod Marinelli goes to his boss’ office and asks for a 10 yr extension but doesn’t present any kind of plan for improving the team, he just brings pictures of his kids and his assistants’ kids and says how much it will totally suck for everyone involved if he gets canned. Isn’t that exactly what the Big 3 just did?

• Okay, okay, I get it, Britney is healthy now, clean, sober. But when did her face get so manly? What the fuck happened? I watched a few minutes of that MTV documentary and kept thinking to myself, “man, Ryan Philippe is totally going to win an Emmy for this.”

• I didn’t like the new Kanye the first time I heard it, but it’s growing on me in a hurry. After all, new Kanye is new Kanye. Let’s say you’re fooling around with your girl and she starts to go down on you – but then, all of a sudden she says, “you know what? I’m bored with plain old BJs.” So she stands you up, directs you to lay face down on the kitchen counter with your bottom half hanging over the edge, then she kneels beneath you, supports your legs with her hands and then and blows you that way. I mean, it’s kinda weird and unexpected, but it’s still head, right? Once is weird, twice is better and after 15 times you can’t remember ever feeling like it was strange. That’s the new Kanye.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends

I want to have Jack White’s baby.

That was my Facebook status update today. I share that with you because most likely you’re not my friend on Facebook. Don’t take offense. On here, in this here blog world, you’re my good friend. We’re close. If I had something in my teeth I’d expect you to let me know. If you needed a shoulder to cry on then go on, let us hear about it in the comment section. We’re with you. But in the real world? Not so much.

I bring this up because today it slipped at work that I have a blog. Ouch. I hate that. The last thing I need is my co-workers reading my thoughts on Selma Hayak’s major yabbos!

(They’re like mini-basketballs. No, they’re like puff pastries fresh outta the oven. I want to stick my nose right in there. I want to dab each of them with a little bit of honey, sprinkle them with some powdered sugar and enjoy. Thoroughly enjoy. I want to crawl inside of them and conduct a puppet show with a moral lesson at the end for the kids. Remember a few years back when some supermodel got her tits insured for a million dollars? Well what are we doing for Selma’s bad boys? These need their own branch of government. These things could cure old age. For fuck’s sake! I don’t care if you’re a dude or a chick but the picture from yesterday's post should be in a museum. Am I wrong?)

Where were we? Oh right. These are thoughts I only share with my friends.

I have a really hard time mixing work and real life. A really hard time. And I bring this up because Facebook seems to be the point at which both worlds collide. Hear me out. I’m on Facebook. I collect friends. I spy on people from High School who have become uncomfortably heavy. I do my best to make people laugh with my status updates. But a few days ago I got a friend request from a chick I work with. I didn’t know what to do. If I ignore her then it’s gonna get awkward at work if it ever comes up. If I accept then my life is over. I don’t want her to see pictures of me hammered or wall postings from my slap dick friends. That’s for me to enjoy. When I’m away from work. When I can be myself.

I’m completely different at work. Please know this about me. I don’t talk about my junk, I don’t make jokes about little boys and I sure as shit don’t talk about what I actually did on the weekends. That’s for my friends. That’s for you all. That’s not for my co-workers to know about. I’m a respectable citizen of the working world. I’m not trying to be elitist. And I don’t think my shit don’t stink. (Check that sentence English majors.) But you know what? That’s my stink. And I hold its fumes close to my heart.

To be honest, I’ve never shared the applesandmoustaches.com link on Facebook either. It’s just another piece of me that I’d like to keep separate. I don’t want my neighbor from 5th grade who won’t shut up how much he misses his ‘boo’ to be in on this little joke we have going on here.

I’d be a terrible famous person.

Jericho and I have talked about it. We came to the conclusion that we are completely different people in the real world then we are on this blog. On the blog, I am a bit gentler, write about my feelings and always get mad at him when he berates a commenter (sorry Mark. Actually I don’t think Mark ever came back after that last one.) In real life I like to tip a few back and knock over furniture. Jericho on the other hand writes about pedophilia, sodomy and Shaun Alexander’s vagina. In real life Jericho’s a peach. A gentle flower with soft hands.

I just can’t do it. It’s a slippery slope. First one co-worker’s my friend, then another. Then I’m saying things on my Facebook status like “peanut oil is a tasty substitute for olive oil” and “Mondays sure are the pits!”

Fuck that.






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Sweet Candied Yams

My hands are cold today.

I tried to warm them by sitting on them, but then I couldn’t type. I drank a cup of tea and spilled some on my crotch and got laughed at by co-workers. Maybe I should switch to V8. Then more girls would like me.

(That was my Matthew Berry impression. That guy’s a major d-bag. Am I wrong?)

Welcome back from Thanksgiving, hope everyone’s blah blah blah filled with good times and cheer. Me? I ate way too much. I know everyone says this, but I actually did eat way too much. I perfectly timed my Thanksgiving dinner so I was at maximum hunger and maximum stomach capacity at the time of mastication. (Yes, you read that correctly. Hunger and stomach capacity are two separate and equally important factors to consider when trying to maximize your food intake. Consider this your gastro tip of the day.) I spent the rest of the day immobile, hiccupping and feeling disgusting. Pretty sexy huh?

Let’s get to it.


Apple
Lane Kiffen signed to be the head coach of Tennessee next season. Chalk it up as another loss for Washington. There was some good momentum around Kiffen joining the Dawgs up north but obviously the allure of rednecks and big haired trophy wives sounded better. Whatever Lane. I hope you’re paired with Peyton on Alumni bowling night and you have to listen to him tell his crazy Toga party stories, “…and then me and the fellas picked some branches off a tree and made them into crowns. The Greek’s used called them Laurel Crowns. My daddy lets me wear a crown on my birthday cause he says I’m a special boy….”



Moustache
New Kanye album is out now…Stream it for free here. At first listen I love it. Jericho wants to debate the album in an upcoming post so I’ll save my thoughts for later.



Apple
I ain’t no holla back girl.



Moustache
I’m having a great hair day today. I feel bad for my hair stylist (yes I have a hair stylist) because she only sees me when I look like Richard Simmons and desperately need some help or when I look like a shorn sheep right after the hair cut and I should be in hiding for about 2 weeks. If she could only see her work in action today…she’d take a snapshot and include it in her hair portfolio NO! She’d make it the LEAD photo in her hair portfolio.



Apple
Unless Sage Rosenfels throws for 8tds and 700 yards tonight I’ve officially made the playoffs in both of my leagues. Holy shit. I don’t think I’ve done that ever before. If nothing else I can be proud of the season I put together based on:
1) Drafting ‘Bang Bang’ Eddie Royal before he was known to the rest of the fantasy world.

2) Trading for Tony Romo but not starting him until I got every bit of goodness out of Tyler Thigpen.

3) Starting Ted Ginn Jr and Matt Jones during their hot streaks and letting them ride the bench when they cooled off

4) Picking up the Ravens D after week 1 (thanks Jericho)

5) Drafting Aaron Rodgers and Matt Forte.

Now let’s see if I can be more Philadelphia Phillies rather than Tampa Bay Rays during my return to the post season.



Moustache
I went to the Dr last week cause I wasn’t feeling well. Among other things, he told me to stop using Q-tips in my ears. He could tell by looking in them because he said he could see scaring. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I didn’t use Q-tips this morning. Do you know what that’s like? It’s like sitting in a packed church that’s dead silent and trying to hold in uncontrollable laughter. It’s like going to Tepia Taqueria, ordering the Burrito Supreme then being stuck on a boat for the next 4 hours. It sucks. My ears have been itching all day.



Apple
Big ups to Michael and David…two of my cousins who are regular readers of this blog. (I love saying “big ups” like I’m black. Or ‘I ain’t no holla back girl’ like I’m a skinny white girl trying to be black.)



Moustache
Thanks for reading. Here's our gift to you...a joke, try it out in your fantasy league now........"Remember when Plaxico was so pissed at being on (fill in friend's name here) team that he shot himself in the leg? Can't blame him can you?"






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