As long as we've got each other...

Nine things on my mind after a truly jam packed week:

1) If you’ve been a longtime reader then you know 2 things about my sports gambling habits. First, I’m terrible at sports betting. And second, all of my funds have been cut off until football season starts again in order to try and save any sort of dignity I have left. So needless to say I am fucking chomping at the bit for football season to get here. I’ve been passing the time by checking out the over/under lines for total regular season wins. Here’s what I like so far: Patriots under 11.5 wins, Raiders under 5.5 wins and Denver under 7 wins.


2) My obsession with Michael Pollan has reached new all-time highs. This guy is a genius or a prophet at the very least. Pollan is a journalist from Berkeley who investigates food production in our country…and it’s eye opening to say the least. This is my new obsession. I have a feeling it will last a bit longer than the time I decided to become an Asian. But don’t worry, I’ll spare you all from my thoughts, findings and observations on foods. Nobody likes a whiny bitch.


3) I was in Atlanta for work earlier this week. Caity, I’m sorry I didn’t call. I didn’t have time to see you so I didn’t even want to lead you on. Next time we’ll get together, I promise. By the way how the fuck do you deal with that humidity? It’s like walking around in a sweaty ball sack. Not walking with a sweaty ball sack but walking in a sweaty ball sack. Now it makes more sense why Ted Turner hates the Jews.


4) I thought the Home Run Derby was one of the most boring events I’ve ever seen on TV. And that’s coming from someone who also watched the nominations for the daytime Emmy’s earlier this week. It’s just not that cool to watch these big fat fuckers take a hundred swings over and over. Inevitably this event will have to change in order to stay interesting. MLB got lucky with Josh Hamilton’s incredible string of homers during last year’s event, but that was an anomaly. More likely it’s like this year where a guy watches 6 perfect pitches in a row then swings as hard as he can at the 7th. Who cares if he hits it over the wall? Let’s focus on the fans in the bleacher seats. Reduce it to 15 people total and give each of them a police batton and a glove and whoever gets the most balls at the end gets to kick Mike Golic in the face as many times as they want. Thoughts?


5) Wanna know what? Tim Lincecum is pitching tonight. That’s right. He’s 10-2 and is well paced to pick up his 2nd Cy Young award in a row. If you haven’t seen Timmy pitch then buy MLB.tv, go to your local sportsbar, or give the cable guy a hand job/blow job combo with a slow shifty in the middle…because you’re missing out. Timmy is the most exciting player in all of baseball right now.


6) The response for our upcoming Fantasy Football drafting rules post has been good so far. (Thanks Cody D!) But we need more. Send your thoughts, hopes, dreams and perversions to applesandmoustaches@gmail.com



7) The ESPYs are this Sunday. Or put another way, feel free to grocery shop, wash your hair, let your dog eat your homework, pour hot sauce down your pee hole or do ANYTHING besides watch the ESPYs on Sunday. Unless you enjoy 2 and a half hours of watching a TV network try to blow itself. Hey ESPN, I’ll save you the trouble. It’s not possible and actually it’s kinda embarrassing when you let others watch.



8) I have the most massive zit on my nose right now. It’s the kind where I can actually see it when I just look forward. It’s awful. And I’m not the kinda person who gets these things often. But I’ll say one thing. Thank God for women. I immediately asked my wife what to do. Without hesitation she directed me to one of the hundreds of secret magic potions in our bathroom to help with the problem. But it’s never as simple as “in the 2nd shelf there’s a white bottle’…oh no, it’s always way more complicated than that. This morning, and I’m paraphrasing here, these were the directions for what to apply to my nose. “Go to the 2nd drawer and open up the large black box. In the 3rd compartment you’ll find a small troll named Gustav. Compliment him on his shoes. In return he will hand you a strip of lamb’s skin which you should immediately start dabbing on your nose while whistling the theme song to Growing Pains.’ Fingers crossed this works.



9) The new Dead Weather is out, and I need to get it worse than Neil Young needs a good dick slap to the forehead. By the way, they’re on Jimmy Fallon tonight.


III