Monday, July 20, 2009

You don't say...

Having a blog is a very narcissistic thing to do. I am assuming that you, the reader, care about what silly thoughts are in my head. Not just care, but are interested enough to keep coming back day after day. Jericho and I started this blog with the goal to make each other laugh. That’s it, plain and simple. And while we’re at it if we can make you laugh inappropriately loud at your desk, or show you some good cleavage shots or get TahoeSanta laid in the process – then we’ve accomplished something together. Haven’t we?

Here are ten things you never knew about me:

1. In one of my college writing classes I couldn’t figure out how to finish a story I was writing. So, instead of coming up with something interesting I finished it by saying “he sat in his car and took 3-foot bong rips until he couldn’t feel his face any more.” When I got my paper back my teacher had circled the final sentence and wrote in the margin: “We’ve all been there.” True story.

2. I am deathly afraid of birds. Pigeons mainly. My fear is that they’re going to touch me. I know they won’t hurt me; I just have this crippling fear that they’re going to touch me. And that would just about be my biggest fear in the whole world.

3. If I ever decide to take mushrooms again I’ll do it at the California Academy of Science here in the city. That place is fucking rad. I’d sit in the aquarium section all day. I don’t think I could handle the planetarium. That shit tripped me out after having only a few cups of coffee.

4. I know every single word to O.P.P. Seriously. When I was like 10 years old I dedicated a solid 3 month period of my life to memorizing the song. No pen and paper or anything cheesy like that. Nope. I just listened to O.P.P. about 13,000 times. That does the trick.

5. I’ll only fight Jericho if he’s had more to drink than I have. He’s stronger than I am. I’ll admit that. But I’m scrappier and I don’t fight fair. So if we’re hanging out its my goal to get him as wasted as possible just in case it comes to fisticuffs. By the way, he instigates 99% of all fights between us.

6. The other day when I left for work I kissed my wife and told her to “have a safe day.” She gave me a weird look. That’s easily both the dorkiest and most ‘old Jewish woman’ thing I’ve ever done. Ever.

7. About 7 years ago I promised Jericho we would have a Whisky and Coke with Jack White someday. Needless to say it hasn’t happened yet, but I wouldn’t bet against us.

8. I love to mop. I don’t like filling the bucket, or sweeping the floor, or figuring out the proportion of soap. But the actual act of mopping brings me so much pleasure it’s hard to explain let alone understand.

9. A few years back, at a photoshoot in NYC, the head stylist offered to waive his $500 haircut fee if I referred to him as a “her” and let “her” sit on my lap while doing the cut. Best looking haircut I ever got.

10. Every night I take my shirt off in front of the bathroom mirror and have a flex-off with myself. After I’m satisfied, I make my wife come in and comment.



Joel Gross said...

After your flex-off with yourself, do you ever put 2 grapes on either end of a toothpick and place this newly created "Barbell" on your penis and see how many lifts you can do? Cuz that's just about my favorite hobby. :)

Anonymous said...

Pigeons are flying diseased rats and I believe in pigeon genocide. Thank you.

Emily said...

I believe John Harris wrote that pigeon genocide comment. It has to be John. And I now also believe that pigeon fear is genetic, passed down on the Y gene.