An A&M Quickie

A Few Quick Hits:

• Let me put it this way, I never bring bathroom towels to the beach for the same reason I don’t want to have anal sex with my wife: once it’s out there you can’t take it back. The towel will always be the one that smells like sand and your wife will just be a girl that takes it in the ass.

• Here’s a book I’d definitely buy: A guide to making sounds and proper hand placement while receiving oral sex by George Clooney.

• Why didn’t Popeye have spinach on him at all times? That will always baffle me.

• To me, homosexuality is like peanut butter, I decided a while ago that neither was for me, but I have no problem with either of them existing. In this scenario, gay marriage would be like a peanut butter and banana sandwich, I’m not going to partake myself, but it will not affect my life one way or another if someone eats one.

• Having a good fantasy team is kind of like having sex with your wife, you pretty much know right away if it’s going to happen or not. You can push, you can fight, and every now and then you get surprised, but more often than not the first few moments will tell you everything.

• Microsoft’s new “I’m a PC” ad campaign is akin to getting raped in a prison shower and then bragging loudly at dinner about how you clenched your butt cheeks so tight that there’s no way the guy enjoyed his orgasm.

• The “Who Wore it Best” section of trashy magazines has to be the most ridiculous part of the trashy magazine era. Comparing Charlize Theron to a chick from Gossip Girl is like chiding a zebra for losing a swimming race to a dolphin. Charlize, Heidi Klum, Megan Fox and all the Victoria’s Secret models are not from our Phylum and comparisons to other Phylum are moot.

• If I were a CMO at a light beer company, here’s the only ad slogan I would approve: “It’s on Sale!”

• Does GAP have any idea who they’re customers are? Who are these ads supposed to target? You walk into a GAP and it’s painfully obvious who the clothes are made for: pussies and assholes, but the ads don’t seem to serve any purpose. Jason Bateman and his daughter are pretty cute, but how is that supposed to reach my inner pussy?