An A&M Quickie

A Few Quick Hits:

• Let me put it this way, I never bring bathroom towels to the beach for the same reason I don’t want to have anal sex with my wife: once it’s out there you can’t take it back. The towel will always be the one that smells like sand and your wife will just be a girl that takes it in the ass.

• Here’s a book I’d definitely buy: A guide to making sounds and proper hand placement while receiving oral sex by George Clooney.

• Why didn’t Popeye have spinach on him at all times? That will always baffle me.

• To me, homosexuality is like peanut butter, I decided a while ago that neither was for me, but I have no problem with either of them existing. In this scenario, gay marriage would be like a peanut butter and banana sandwich, I’m not going to partake myself, but it will not affect my life one way or another if someone eats one.

• Having a good fantasy team is kind of like having sex with your wife, you pretty much know right away if it’s going to happen or not. You can push, you can fight, and every now and then you get surprised, but more often than not the first few moments will tell you everything.

• Microsoft’s new “I’m a PC” ad campaign is akin to getting raped in a prison shower and then bragging loudly at dinner about how you clenched your butt cheeks so tight that there’s no way the guy enjoyed his orgasm.

• The “Who Wore it Best” section of trashy magazines has to be the most ridiculous part of the trashy magazine era. Comparing Charlize Theron to a chick from Gossip Girl is like chiding a zebra for losing a swimming race to a dolphin. Charlize, Heidi Klum, Megan Fox and all the Victoria’s Secret models are not from our Phylum and comparisons to other Phylum are moot.

• If I were a CMO at a light beer company, here’s the only ad slogan I would approve: “It’s on Sale!”

• Does GAP have any idea who they’re customers are? Who are these ads supposed to target? You walk into a GAP and it’s painfully obvious who the clothes are made for: pussies and assholes, but the ads don’t seem to serve any purpose. Jason Bateman and his daughter are pretty cute, but how is that supposed to reach my inner pussy?

A happy ending...

“Sidney Ponson…ingredients for a turkey burger….the 1989 Oakland A’s starting line up in fielding order…Mr. Mariano’s Italian class…”

These were the thoughts running through my head last night while wearing nothing but a robe and plastic flip flops that were 4 sizes too small. I was sitting in a dimly lit room that smelled like cucumbers and freedom as I waited for the knock at the door. Yes, I got a massage last night.

This wasn’t my first rodeo. No, I have had two before. Both were on vacation while in Hawaii. Both took place in outdoor huts where you could hear turtles mating and the masseuses (how crazy is that word?) all had dread locks and could hook up a bag of weed afterwards.

But this time I decided to change up the rotation a bit. I was going to go with a male masseuse. Now, before you make that weird face and start to question if my references to David Beckham and Ryan Reynolds weren’t just for laughs, let me explain. Chicks aren’t strong. It’s the truth. They have small hands, small muscles and I was 2 for 2 on a weak ass rub down. It felt like my mom was gently rubbing my back to put me to sleep. Look, I can take my shirt off and have Patch walk up and down my back if I need a tickle. I call that Tuesday night. But not when I’m paying for it. I want a grown up massage. I wanted to figure out why my wife loves massages so much. I wanted to be sore the next day. (insert butt joke here.)

So there I was. Brainstorming everything I could so if and when it came down to it, being oiled down by another dude and sporting a huge boner, I could properly talk myself out of it. I had perfected this mental preparation in elementary school…who hasn’t? (side note: it works during sex also, to last longer. Try it.) Is there anything out there more terrifying guys? I mean, if it’s a chick giving you a massage, sure it’s embarrassing. But half of you wants it to turn into a porn where she smiles and asks if you’d like her to take care of it for you and the other half of you knows that it’s totally fine…she’s a chick. She’s used to seeing a dong in her face. She calls it a Wednesday night. But a dude? How could I explain this? How could I explain this to myself? I would forever question my sexuality and quickly understand my years of underachieving in fantasy football. The anticipation was causing anxiety like you wouldn’t believe. What if he thought I requested a male because I was gay? What if he was gay? What if I knew him? What if he knew me? What if a finger got a bit too oiled up and slip, right in the butt? I was terrified. This was a horrible, horrible idea.


Well, I’m happy to report (or sad to report you sick fucks) that there was zero movement downtown. Nothing. Not even a wrinkle. All thoughts/fears of sexual arousal disappeared immediately. The guy introduced himself and acknowledged that I was at the spa with my wife. Whew. After about 3 minutes I quickly forgot my homophobic worries and spent the rest of my time doing endless calculations of the overall ROI of the massage. Was it worth it? How many rubs per body part per dollar were spent? Is this what is supposed to be happening? Does this feel better than if my wife, a non professional masseuse was rubbing my shoulders? Is this what it feels like for Patch when I rub his neck? Are there dog masseuses? Who would pay for that shit? I bet weirdos in LA pay for dog massages. Ok, if I had the money I’d totally get Patch a hot female masseuse. What would he want her to wear? What would I want her to wear? It was exhausting.

It was like taking a bum hit of ecstasy and having a few beers while you wonder the whole time if you’re actually feeling the effects or if you’ve just talked yourself into it. (side note: if you have to ask yourself, then nope, it didn’t work. Take another.)

I still don’t get it. Sure, I felt good and relaxed afterwards. But for the price we paid, I don’t know if it’d go again. I’d rather put it on Atlanta at home giving 1.5 against Carolina this week parlayed with the Niners getting 11 at home against Dallas.

But I’d definitely ask for a dude again. This much I know for sure.




*

An A for you and an M for me

Apple
Look, sometimes the universe just doesn’t want you to win. Case in point, I was dropping the kids off at the pool, stood up and the seat cover came with me, dripping pee and water on to the front of my pants. So now it looks like I peed myself, which, for all practical purposes, I guess I did, but as any self-respecting whiskey drinker can attest to, when I piss myself I mean to piss myself. Whiskey drinkers don’t piss themselves on accident – when you set down that halfer of Makers on the counter you are basically saying to the guy at the counter, “yeah I’m pissing myself tonight what the fuck are you going to do about it?”


Moustache
I’ve got a gnarly cold and have been overdosing on Tylenol Cold and Chamomile the last few days. Hey, is just me, or when you see the word “Chamomile” do you instantly think of a girl in tight spandex pants with a really noticeable clump of butt hair, aka, Camel Heel? Or is that just me?


Apple
I’m sorry, but calling Sarah Palin a “star” is kind of like calling Brad Johnson a “quarterback.” Republicans, if this is your great hope for 2012, you might want to start drinking Drano. There’s a lot she can read, a lot of knowledge she can acquire in 4 years, but you can’t learn smart. McCain couldn’t get younger between 2004 and 2008, and Palin can’t get smarter by 2012. Anyone see that interview where she admitted that she didn’t know Africa was a continent? Honestly, a lot can be taken out of context and a lot of the shit politicians say can be easily explained, but I dare anyone to counter that one. Africa? I mean, Bush can’t talk too good, but I do think he knows the continents.

(Which might be the most amazing part of the Palin era, the fact that she makes all rational, thinking people look at Bush and say, “you know what? Maybe he’s not so dumb afterall.” This may be the last great move of the Rove era, knowing that McCain had no chance whatsoever, he pushed for a VP candidate that would somehow make Bush look a little better on his way out. The equivalent to this would be hooking up with the ugliest girl in college, then immediately walking up the second ugliest girl and punching her in the face. Then you can go to all your friends and say “see, look at ugliest girl in college, she’s not so bad now, huh?”


Moustache
Way too early Oscar Predictions:

Picture: Milk (call this a hunch, but with all the noise about Prop 8 this pic is coming at an absolutely perfect time, feels right to me)

Director: Christopher Nolan, Dark Knight (I do think Dark Knight becomes the first comic book movie to get a best pic nom, which is really all you can hope for, everything about the Dark Knight was great, great performances, great sets, great writing, but at the at end of the day it’s Nolan’s show and he fucking announced himself in a big way and the Academy will want to recognize that)

Actor: Clint Eastwood, Gran Torino (this is a complete fucking hunch, but Clint announced a year ago that this would be the last time he’d be in front of the camera and I think the Academy won’t want to let one of most Oscar-friendly stars in history ride off into the sunset (prerequisite cowboy joke) without a lil gold fella)

Actress: Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road (Big year for Kate, I think she actually will have two nominations in this category, one here and one for The Reader – marking her 6th and 7th nominations overall – kind of crazy that the best actress of her generation doesn’t have a trophy yet, something the Academy will fix this year)

Supporting Actor: Ralph Fiennes, The Duchess (I do think Heath gets nominated, but Ralph is an industry favorite who’s never won and gives two enormous performances in this movie and in The Reader, think of this as a culmination award)

Supporting Actress: Meryl Streep, Doubt (The minute this script landed on her desk she was already nominated, just a hunch here, but I think the Academy is ready to make her the most decorated person in history)


Apple
I took Mrs. Royall to Cyrus the other night, a 5 star restaurant in Healdsburg, CA that has a “Chef’s Choice” Menu – you basically don’t order, they just bring you course after course of the most exotic, strange, weirdly delicious food you’ve ever had in your life. If you’ve never had an experience like this, French Laundry is another one, I highly recommend it, the service is out of this world, the little things like the linens and silverware are like nothing you’ve ever seen and the food is unbelievable – a once in a lifetime experience all the way around. A few observations:

- At the end of the day, the food that you recognize and have had before is by far the best. We had squash spaghetti with pumpkin sauce that tasted like nothing I’ve ever had before, no precedent for it, and it was unbelievably good, but at the end of the day the duck breast is what I remember most. Here’s the analogy for this. Let’s say you’re in a dark, swanky club. Nine bands get up and play one song each. The squash spaghetti is the greatest band in the history of Denmark – you appreciate them for their artistry, for the fact that they don’t sound like anything else you’ve ever heard. But a few bands later, here comes the fucking White Stripes, they don’t say a word they just fucking launch into seven nation army – they greatest performance of their greatest song. That’s the duck breast – you dig?
- The service was so fucking good that at one point I expected a waiter to offer to burp me. You can imagine that can’t you? Waiter saunters over, extends his arm with a freshly washed towel draped over it, and I lean over while another waiter gently taps my back until I burp. Hell, they might even have a special burping menu and you can pick which technique you want. “I’ll have that pat, tap, tap, tap and the lady will have the swirl, pat, swirl, pat.”
- Remember the Milgram experiment from college? That psychological experiment from the 50s when the testers were quizzing someone and then shocking then when they got the answers wrong, proving the power that an authority figure has? I think you could do a similar study at restaurant like this – serve people crazy shit like human fingers and baby heads and see if they eat it. “Well, this is pretty weird, but it’s 5 star and all so here goes! You gonna eat your nail?”

For fuck's sake!

Shot down. That’s what happened. I wrote a whole post tonight. Not sure what it was about. Ok, I lied. I know exactly what it was about. It was gay. Totally gay. And luckily my wife read and it and told me it was gay. And not to post it. Because of its gayness. Note to self, don’t drink red wine, put on Elliot Smith and try to post. This blog is pretty linear in its direction. Not in its topics, cause with that we’re all over the place. But at least we’re consistent about our ridiculousness. We never stray too far off the path of ridiculousness. If I come along and get all Nancy Kerrigan and post some touchy feely bullshit then what does that do to our reputation? Smushes it. Knocks it around. Like Samantha Ronson when she gets to rub her face in those delicious looking funbags.

This much I know. Jericho is back tomorrow, thank God, it’s been lonely. The Giants and the Huskies can hold their head up high for a few more days. I watched most of the World Series of poker last night but turned it off during the final table just to prove a point. For the first time all season I’m feeling good about all of my fantasy teams but know very well that feeling will soon disappear. I have 11 people on Facebook who’ve asked me to be their friends and I knowingly haven’t acted on it. I love red vine licorice more than I love pancakes and waffles. Patch took the most impressive shit today, literally it was the size of a well fed third grader. I just found out about a few random people who read this blog and I couldn’t be happier. If Ryan Reynolds was any more attractive I might consider switching teams. My green Hurley hat is my new go-to hat in my collection. Keith Olberman’s video denouncing Prop 8 was moving…trust me, Google it. I still find myself wildly attracted to Sarah Palin, not her ideas, just her banging body. For fuck’s sake, I just used the word “wildly” in a sentence to describe my feelings like I was Charlotte Bronte. My new favorite response to something I find crazy is “for fuck’s sake.”


*

Will you be my Billy Volek?

Apple
“I'm hung over, my knees are killing me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.”


Moustache
The Sports Guy, despite his raging boner for all things Boston, is as good as it gets. No doubt about it…this is from his recent column ranking the NFL teams:

“Really, the fantasy football season isn't fun. Winning is OK; losing is agonizing. You constantly feel awful about your choices and your bad luck; it's the only exercise that causes arguments with friends you normally never would argue with; and you spend roughly a kazillion hours managing your team for the 10 percent chance that you might win your league. There's just not a ton of upside. It's almost like smoking cigarettes -- it started out with good intentions, and it's something to do, and it can be fun in the right moments, but ultimately, there are an inordinate amount of moments when you find yourself leaning out a window in 20-degree weather to puff out a quick cig as your nose gets frostbitten, or bumming a cig from a group of horrible girls and then feeling obligated to talk to them, or waking up in the morning and coughing up your right lung. Really, it's more harm than fun. And yet, we continue to do it. And love it. This entire paragraph made me want to smoke.”


Apple
There are few victories in fantasy football, as the SG clearly notes, so you need to celebrate them when you can. Well, this week, I’m celebrating. I picked up and started Tyler Thigpen and had the high score this week with Hightower still left to play. Feels good. And between you and me, I think I’m going to start Thigpen over Romo next week. Yeah. I’m that crazy. I’ve been saying it all season, if I’m gonna make any sort of run at it this year I got to find that big pick-up mid season. Like Drew Bennet a few years back. Or Shaud Williams a few years before that. Hey Tyler, will you be my Billy Volek?


Moustache
Contrary to popular belief, Patch is not the one eyed dog featured in the SPCA commercials with Sarah McClaughlin. But, I do believe he will, and should, someday be a national sensation.


Apple
I saw TV on the Radio last night. Fantastic band, I highly recommend seeing them live. They are so passionate about what they do. We stood about 8 feet from the front of the stage. That lasted about 4 songs, and when I couldn’t even bob my head because it was so crowded, we moved to the back of the room. I gotta say, it’s fun to be close, but it’s more fun to be able to breathe. That’s my strategy. I like to get as close as possible for a few songs, then move back and take it all in. And to the nerd standing next to me who looked like Sally Jesse Raphael if she was a 19 year old frequent World of Warcraft masturbator…keep up the good work. From the outside you look like a major tool. And though your dance moves did nothing to disprove my theory of your dorkdom, I appreciated your intensity. Now get a hair cut.


Moustache
Let’s check in on some bets shall we? At the start of the year I put money on Jacksonville to win the whole thing. Not good. I put money on the Bears to win less than 8 games. They’re currently 5-4. Ouch. I need that team to fall apart quickly. Luckily I have Rex Grossman helping me out. I also have money on the Steelers to win more than 9.5 games. They stand 6-3 but have the hardest schedule in the NFL. I think that team is Super Bowl bound. Mewelde Moore and all.


Apple
Speaking of 9.5, the Niners are 9.5 underdogs tonight in their only MNF game of the season at Arizona. Anyone want a piece of that action?


*

Keep your love locked down

Apple
Jericho is not at work today. I could rip my eyeballs out with boredom. See, we chat on IM all day long. Now before you go off thinking I’m a total slap dick, I’m not. I get a lot of shit done throughout the day. But every now and then I like to check ESPN and discuss with Jericho. Or get a stupid email and make fun of the person with Jericho. Or get offered Maurice Morris and Julius Jones for the umpteenth time and need to tell Jericho how fucking stupid people in our fantasy football league are. Yup. Pretty standard stuff. Nice way to pass the day that guy is.


Moustache
We put our dog to sleep today. I'm pretty bummed about it too. No, not Patch…but our family dog, Annie. Annie was almost 14 years old. She smelled awful, she was cranky and walked with a limp straight outta a Ma$e video. But damnit if I didn’t love that dog. My little brother will be the most upset by this. He loved Annie more than anyone else and he was only 7 when we got her. It’s tough to hear that kind of stuff. Family dogs are pretty special animals. I’m gonna miss her when I go home for Thanksgiving.


Apple
Obama’s got a tall climb ahead of him, this much I know for sure. He’s got the momentum and the support but I don’t wish this type of task upon anyone. People believe in him and want to see our country turned around. I just wonder how much of a leash they’ll give him. Is this Mike Holmgren in Seattle leniency? Where he can fuck around for years without repercussions? Or is this Marty Schotteinhemier in San Diego where he’ll be lambasted after a 14-2 season?


Moustache
Top 3 albums I can’t stop listening to:

• TV on the Radio – Dear Science
• The Doors – Absolutely Live
• Kanye West – Love Lockdown (ok, this is just a single, but it’s banging)
  

Apple
Ugly chicks shouldn’t wear Tory Burch flats. Not sure why, but this makes sense in my head. I was walking down the street and saw a pair of Tory Burch black flats and looked up and saw this broke ass chick. She was kicked liked the WWE’s China. The whole thing just made me uncomfortable. If you’re gonna wear those Tory Burch flats, and you’re not cute, then at least have some style when you’re hoof stomping around. '


Moustache
Dear Tahoe Santa – The level of excitement I have to see you this weekend is immeasurable. If it was measurable it would be the equivalent of when Yao returned home to China after his rookie season in the NBA and there were all those crazy Chinese people tearing at his clothes and crying and hoping to just get to touch him any part of him. I just want to touch you Tahoe. Any part of you. Is that weird?


Apple
Kendra, the smoking hot chick from Girls Next Door is engaged to Hank Baskett of the Philadelphia Eagles. Kendra obviously doesn’t play fantasy football or she woulda dropped him about 6 weeks ago. Try Bernard Berrian Kendra? Is he single? He’s on fire.



*

A few football thoughts before we go celebrate

Titans being 8-0
Magglio alluded to this earlier and I’m willing to listen to counter arguments on this one, but the Titans do not look like a team that can make a deep playoff run to me. They run and stop the run, key ingredients to winning a Bowl, but at some point Kerry Collins is going to have to make a play to win and I don’t think he does it. I watched the entire Titans / Packers game on Sunday and was struck by three things: 1) Albert Haynesworth is the scariest guy on the entire planet. I would rather blow Kimbo Slice, bite his tip off, spit it in his face and say “let’s see what you got, pussy cookie!” then fuck with Haynesworth. Did you see when he dropped back into coverage and batted a ball down!? Holy fucking shit. 2) Chris Johnson is the real fucking deal – he’ll be a good player for a long time. 3) Collins has the slowest, largest windup of any QB I’ve ever seen (sorry, Byron, you’ve been bumped to #2) and if a team can put pressure on him, which hasn’t happened yet all season, Collins will crap himself like he always fucking does. I did a little research on this; do you realize that the Titans have only played one team that ranks in the top 10 in sacks (Minnesota at #8)? In fact, of the 8 teams they’ve beaten, 6 rank dead last in sacks (KC = 32, Cincy = 31, Jax = 30, Indy = 29, Hou = 28, GB, 27)? Can you smell what I’m cooking here? There a good football team no doubt, and they have one of the best coaches in the league, but Kerry Collins and Kerry Collin’s vagina is the elephant’s vagina in the room here. Watch them meet up with someone like the Steelers in the playoffs and watch Collins put the diarrhea in diarrhea sandwich.

Browns going to Quinn
It never ceases to amaze how dumb the people who run NFL teams can be; this week’s dumb shit fucking ass move is the Browns giving Quinn his first start during a short week (the Browns play the Broncos on Thursday night). Look, I’m completely fine with starting Quinn, let’s see what you’ve got here, but why not wait until next week and give him extra practice / prep before he makes his debut. He hasn’t worked with the 1st team offense since the preseason and now they are giving him one practice before sending him out? That’s completely fucking moronic. You know the old adage about how the best thing for a young QB is a running game? That’s true of course, but even more important for a young QB: confidence. If you don’t think Quinn’s confidence is down after sliding to #21 and then watching Anderson light it up last year then you’re dumb enough to think starting him this week is a good idea. Young QBs are like virgins on prom night. You want to fuck them and they want to fuck you, but you gotta lube it up!

Romeo Crennel
In related Browns news, when a coach holds a press conference to announce that the backup is starting the next game and then spends 20 minutes reaffirming the fact that this was his decision and not the fans, there’s a 10000000000% chance he’s getting fired in the offseason. No big deal though. Now that Crennel has crossed “head coach of an NFL team” off his bucket list, he can move on to the next item: playing Reginald VelJohnson in a TV movie about all the drama behind the scenes during the making of Family Matters. You see he invested his entire Browns Salary in a run of “WWRVJD?” bracelets, and goddamn it those things are gonna sell! (P.S. #3 and #4 on his bucket list: 3 = see penis. 4 = hit penis against thigh while playing show tunes on the kazoo and go on the road and cheer up sick children under the name “Slap Happy.”)


The Horror! The Horror!
This is just not my year for football, the combined record of the teams I love (Seahawks, Huskies) and team I hate with a passion but am forced to follow b/c I’ve got nothing else to do (Niners, Raiders and my fantasy team) is a putrid 9-32. 9-32! The best of the worst is my barely breathing 4-5 fantasy team – and I start Pennington and Kevin Faulk for goddamn fuck’s sake! Having a 4-5 fantasy team with Pennington and Faulk as the one saving grace of your football season is akin to having a masturbating homeless guy as the one perk to living in your neighborhood. Sure, the place is moldy, the rent is too high and there’s been six break-ins in the last month, but ‘ol Willy Wanker and the Spanklate Factory, he really makes up for it!

USA! USA!

We’ve been slacking. This I know. No excuses. There’s stuff going on. If you’ve stuck with us, then we love you. If you’re just checking in after a few weeks off then blow me. And if you’re voting for McCain tomorrow then we don’t see eye-to-eye to say the least. On the eve of election night, I’ve got a few Apples & Moustaches for you. Let’s dance.


Apple
I went to the Raider game yesterday. Holy shit that was bad football. What’s the worst part about sitting through a 24-0 half where the home team has a total of -6 yards and 0 first downs? Watching a second half where nothing happens. Seriously, nothing happened. The final score was 24-0. It was beyond awful. And I’m not even a Raider fan. Somebody asked me today if JaMarcus Russell was really terrible. I honestly didn’t know how to address the question. The whole team was so awful there wasn’t any one person to pin the blame on. I started yelling for them to put Tui in about mid way through the 2nd quarter.


Moustache
If you haven’t heard/seen this…then please do. Classic. She’s such a hick. (thanks mooch)



Apple
The Steelers are a solid football team. A really solid football team. I think their record suffers this year from having the toughest schedule in the league. Tonight they proved that they are in fact a true force to be reckoned with. My prediction for the Super Bowl? Pittsburgh vs. Arizona. No chance the Titans make it. As my homosexual blog mate Jericho correctly stated, one of these days Kerry Collins is going to be asked to make a play to win a game. Nuff said.


Moustache
My Dad made a cool statement tonight about the election. He said every 4 years he's always voted for the lesser of two evils. Nobody actually liked Al Gore or John Kerry. We were just forced to vote for them because they weren't as big a nut sack as the other guy. But this year is different. Obama is different. He talks different, he listens different and he looks different. This is someone to rally behind and believe in. Not just an old white guy talking about the same old stuff just slightly different then the last guy. Good observation Dad.


Apple
How smooth was Obama on MNF tonight? He’s so in touch with what’s going on. His answers were well thought out and aware. McCain’s answers were canned, they came off like your senile 73-year old grandfather who got into the liquor cabinet and when he imitated Chris Berman with his ‘back, back, back’ it was just painful. Even Berman was fake laughing. Talk about knowing your audience, Obama’s answer to institute a playoff in college football was dead on. McCain’s answer about steroids was so forced, so out of date, it hurt. It hurt like my head will Wednesday morning after partying with my fellow San Franciscans. Cause when Obama takes this thing, the roof is gonna blow off this motherfucker.


Now go vote!